III | encounters with a lover
Agnes returned from Mass in an off mood. It wasn’t like she wasn’t happy to be home or to have gone to Mass. She was content about all of it but when she looked at Nora, she remembered the conversation from the day before she sighed deeply.
Agnes Holmes and any form of sexual relations were nonexistent. And it’s been like that for years. And by years, her whole life, except for one moment. She tried not to think about it and ignored it when she did. Like any God-fearing person. Lust wasn’t a thing that blinded her, but she couldn’t get the thought of Nora even writing a poem about sex out of her mind. Or, she just hadn’t given lust an option to blind her. She shook her head.
Maxxie ran up to her, wagging her tail furiously. Agnes picked her dog up and carried her off to her bedroom. Sounds came from the spare bedroom. A tapping noise. It sounded like Nora was working.
“I think I’m gonna lose my mind.” she trailed off as her eyes fell to Maxxie. “Maxxie…” She kissed the dog’s head before putting her down on her bed. Maxxie laid down with her body out stretched.
A knock made her ears ring. She turned, seeing Nora. The poet stood in the doorway and said, “Did you just come back? I didn’t hear come in.” Agnes sat down next to Maxxie.
“Are you okay?” Asked Nora as she walked into her bedroom.
She nodded but her mind was unravelling. Pulling at the seams. She glanced up at Nora’s face and really looked at her. She had freckles littering her dark olive skin. Her nose at times looked slightly crooked but it suited her face. Curly hair ran down her shoulders. “I’m fine, I’m just tired.” Half truths were better than lies.
Nora stared then narrowed her eyes. She bent down, making eye contact with Agnes. “I’ve been around you long enough to know when you’re lying, Agnes Holmes.” Her hand moved to Agnes’s bare knee. Agnes didn’t know whether to stare at Nora or at her hand.
“Is it because of yesterday because I wasn’t trying to make you upset if I did.” The poet’s thumb traced circles into her knee. She swallowed as her eyes moved down to look Nora in the eyes.
“You didn’t make me upset…I-I just don’t see why you just didn’t tell me.” Agnes explained, choking up on her words. Her hand remained on Agnes’s knee. She tried counting in her head to distract herself but every time she got to twenty, Nora’s hand moved up to her thigh back to her knee. Like she was trying to comfort her. But she didn’t realize how much it was driving Agnes crazy.
“I didn’t tell you because some of the poems are about you.” Nora whispered.
“I know as a friend, so I don’t…that’s not answering.”
“It is…answering.” Nora sighed but her eyes softened, pleading almost for Agnes to understand.
Nora had leaned in without Agnes realizing and laid her head on her knee. This made Agnes freeze. She forced out a shaky breath. Breathe, Agnes. Breathe. Her breathing became shallow and she tried to rethink Nora’s words. Then they sunk and tears welled up in her eyes. Her hand hovered for a moment over Nora’s hair. “Why are you writing about me?”
“Is it that hard to comprehend?” Nora’s words weren’t annoyed or angry but soft and tender.
Nora pulled away with her eyes slowly meeting Agnes’s again. Reaching out her hand, she wiped away the tears. “There is no college ex-girlfriend. There’s only you. I like you; it’s not something I want to hide and it’s okay if you don’t like me…I’ll get over it.” Maxxie ran from out of the room, when Nora stood up, moving to sit down next to Agnes on the bed.
Agnes felt herself breaking from inside. Everything that her father told her. Everything that the coaches from the camp told her. Came crashing down in an instant. She built brick walls around herself for years and now, they were gone and she was exposed. Naked for the first time in her entire life. And she could barely find the words. Nora looked worried at Agnes’s silence.
“Oh. And there’s no one else?”
“Oh.” Agnes whispered. “I’ve thought about…you…but I didn’t know if I could be like that.”
Nora placed her hand on Agnes’s cheek, making her look at her. Her thumb ran across the skin. She focused her attention on the way Nora was looking at her. Her eyes never looked anywhere else. Nora kissed her other cheek and let go. “Think about it some more if you need to. I won’t rush anything.”
A thought came to her mind, but she let it simmer for a couple of seconds and before she could stop herself she said, “Can you kiss me?” Nora’s eyes widened but she quickly recovered, leaning down.
No. “Y-Yes.” The feelings she had been holding back for months flooded her mind and she just wanted them silent for even a moment. Her breath stuttered. Closed fists rubbed against her thighs. What the fuck am I doing? She thought. Her brain was fried.
The kiss made everything go quiet. Nora’s lips were soft and Agnes noticed the tiny noise that came out of the poet when their lips touched. Warmth spread across her and couldn’t breathe. Nora’s hand grabbed her chin, pulling her in further. She whispered something that Agnes couldn’t make out between the kisses. Her eyes fell closed when Nora’s hand moved to her lap. It only lasted a few seconds, but it felt like minutes had gone by. Nora’s lips almost tasted sweet.
When they pulled away, Nora leaned her forehead against Agnes’s. “Please…don’t regret it.” Nora whispered with her eyes still closed.
Agnes didn’t say anything, but her eyes said everything. They were soft and wanting. She brushed her nose against Nora, wanting to kiss her again but moved against it. She thought of Ginna in that moment and how they would spend time together in her bedroom. They were kids but they curious ones.
It was only one kiss. She wanted to regret it. To push every moment where she felt love and care for Nora away, but she didn’t. Agnes reached up and ran her thumb against Nora’s cheek.
“I won’t but I’m scared.” She whispered. “Of everything…”
The tender moment snapped in two. Nora pulled away but her eyes remained on Agnes. “You’re scared of your dad finding out…that you kissed a girl?”
Agnes shook her head, ever so slowly. “That I have feelings for a girl.” She moved her thumb against Nora’s bottom lip, aimlessly. She was doing things she wouldn’t have thought of doing. Maybe, it wouldn’t be so bad to let good things be for a moment. Nora and her. Her father would disown her. It was one thing to stop speaking to her but allowing her to go back home under certain circumstances and another for him to do that. She had fallen. She had let her desires consume her, even though they felt natural. Like they were meant for her.
Nora’s head fell lightly to Agnes’s shoulder. “I don’t want you to feel guilty.” Agnes laid her chin on top of the poet’s head.
“I need you…too much to feel guilty.” Agnes whispered into the air, but it didn’t fall onto deaf ears. The poet breathed against her skin, making her shiver. She kissed the exposed skin, peeking from Agnes’s collar bone.
Tears fell down her cheeks slowly. She wasn’t crying because she was upset or because she didn’t want Nora to touch her. She did but the moment was too tender. To soft. Her heartbeat pounded in her chest and her breath held within it. It was only one kiss and Nora pulled away. She noticed Agnes, wiping them away.
“It’s okay.” She whispered. Nora smiled tragically. “I’ll be here no matter what.”
Agnes wished she could wander the earth without any need human interaction. Be a sojourner in the earth and be one with Him in Heaven for the rest of eternity as He wished. Who would protest to her leaving? Her parents? Doubt it. Adam? He would miss her, but he would eventually get over it. Nora? She couldn’t think of what Nora would do. Her thoughts halted as a half-asleep Nora rolled onto her side.
Agnes stared at the wall with a blank expression. Her mind had not let go of the kiss from nearly a month ago. Nothing happened since then, if you can take only kissing as something happening. A part of her was glad. The other half, however, wanted more. And she felt guilty about that. To crave touch that she shouldn’t. To crave someone…she shouldn’t. She moved from her sitting position to lie down, facing Nora. Her delicate features were softened, almost resembling an angel. She wanted to reach her hand out and touch Nora. But she didn’t, instead, she turned to grab her phone from off the nightstand.
Her phone opened to an article she had been reading the night before. Something about James Bishop. He was a gay activist and author. The more she read, she found out, he was Christian. It talked about how he didn’t lose his faith when he accepted his sexuality. She thought about if she could do the same. Accept herself as she was and still be with Him. At the end of the article, it showed a picture of Bishop and his partner with their two cats. That made her think of Nora and Maxxie. Not living alone was appealing. Until Nora, she had gotten used to coming home to only Maxxie. It had barely been three months since Nora and her poems.
There was movement behind her and then, a groan escaped Nora. She glanced over her shoulder to look at her. “What…time is it?” Her voice was deeper than usual. Agnes looked at her phone for the time before turning her body to fully face Nora.
Nora rubbed her hands over her face to wake herself up. When she stopped, there was pause in the air. Then, she turned her head to the side to look at Agnes. “How long have you been awake?”
Nora rolled her eyes. “And why didn’t you wake me up? I could’ve made breakfast.” She wrapped her arms around Agnes’s shoulders, pulling her close enough that their noses touched.
“You should’ve woke me up…”
“You needed to sleep. You stayed up all time.”
Nora pecked Agnes’s lips then a deeper kiss followed. A whimper left Agnes. “Well, I’ll cook us lunch or I could order something…” She dragged her lips to kiss the corner of Agnes’s mouth. Her hand clenched around the poet’s shirt as she kissed her again. Her body melted into Nora’s.
The poet moved her body to hover over Agnes’s and steading the kiss. “N-Nora.” Whispered Agnes as she tried to get her attention. Her body grew hot and Nora’s hands begun to wander underneath her shirt. “Nora…”
Nora made a noise like she was listening to her, but Agnes couldn’t figure out if she actually were. She let out a shaky breaths in between each kiss. “The food.” Agnes didn’t care about the food, but she didn’t want it to go too far.
“I’m sorry. Okay.” Nora pulled away, blinking down at Agnes. Like she had just realized what they were close to doing. “Shit.” She sighed as she ripped herself off the bed and left the room without another word.
Agnes stared at the ceiling as she tried to catch her breath. It wouldn’t be the first time something like this happened between them, but it never went too far. Nora always stopped. Her body shook as she noticed the uncomfortable feeling below her waist. She got out of bed and took a shower. When she was done, she strolled into the kitchen and Nora staring at her phone.
“We can talk about it,” Agnes said, walking in front of Nora and pulling her phone down.
Nora grabbed Agnes’s hands and pressed them together. She pressed her lips against them, her eyes never leaving Agnes’s. “I won’t do anything. You don’t have to worry.” She let Agnes’s hands go and returned to her phone.
Agnes replayed her words in her head. There was moment, a split second, where she wished she could be without the need of Nora. She needed her too much. But she didn’t know how well she would be able to handle the thought of them going beyond kissing. She knew Nora wasn’t upset with her, she could tell that much.
“I trust you,” Agnes whispered as she pulled Nora into a hug, wrapping her arms around her shoulders. She leaned into the crook of Nora’s neck and closed her eyes. Nora returned the hug and wrapped her arms around Agnes’s waist. They stayed like that for a minute before pulling away. Agnes kissed her cheek and smiled softly.
“I would hope you do…trust me.” Nora gave her a smug look, playing with the hem of her shirt, twirling it in her fingers.
“What did you order?” Agnes asked.
It was her father’s birthday. She stared at the reminder on her phone and closed her eyes at the thought of calling him. So, she sent him a text message and locked her phone. A message from him showed seconds later and she froze. He asked her to come down to Florida. Agnes didn’t respond and sighed. It was the first time; he had ever responded to her texts or calls in years. She wondered what changed. Then a thought of Adam telling their dad about her and Nora crossed her mind. And she texted him. Did you tell dad about Nora and me?
It took him hours to respond and by that time, Nora had got back from her apartment. And it was only a simple no from him. She felt relieved. Nora stood in front of her bed, staring down at her phone. But it still didn’t answer why he wanted to see her. She pushed thoughts of her father away and focused on Nora. “Did you bring me anything?” she joked lightly.
Nora turned to faced her. Her eyes snapped to Agnes. Something was wrong. Agnes noticed it when their eyes met. Her eyebrows furrowed. “What’s wrong?” The poet shook her head.
“It’s nothing…it’s just I wanted to ask if you wanted to go on date with me?”
Before Agnes could speak, Nora cut her off. “Outside of the apartment, Agnes.” Leaned her body on the bed by her hands. Agnes didn’t know how to respond. She wanted to leave the apartment; they had before. But not as what they are now. What were they again? Were they dating?
“Sunday. After you get back from Mass.” Agnes froze at the word. She shook her head.
“Why not Saturday?” Agnes asked.
“We can do Saturday. Just normally, you spend hours copped up in here, thought you would want to get out after Mass.” Nora crawled onto the bed and flopped on the other side.
Agnes pressed her back into the bed frame and feeling the wood of it against her. “Both days are fine.” She turned to look down at Nora before leaning down and kissing her cheek.
“It doesn’t feel like it is.” Nora grabbed her by the cheek, pulling her face closer. Her fingernails brushed against the hairs on her neck. “Tell me…what’s on your mind?” Piercing eyes stared back at Agnes.
Her mouth opened and closed. Sunday was for Him. Keep the sabbath holy. He commanded. She licked her lips. Her mind was split in two: Nora’s eyes and keeping her sanity in check. She wanted to kiss her and she buried the thought. “Sunday is for Him.” She whispered. She couldn’t help but lean her face down. She stopped before their lips touched.
“Fridays and Saturdays are for you.” She whispered into Nora’s lips. Weekdays were for work for the both of them, so they rarely saw each other except when Nora popped with cupcakes her coworker gave her on a random Wednesday. Agnes pressed their foreheads together.
“So, todays for me?” Nora chuckled before slipped her hand into Agnes’s straightened hair. She nodded, needing to kiss her. So, she did. It was kind and forgiving until it wasn’t. But as always nothing happened.
Agnes stared at Nora’s empty seat after she had left to go to the bathroom. They had only been out of their first date for less than an hour and a half and her nerves were out of control.
She had never been on a date before, and she assumed it would just be like how it was on July 4th. Before she had the wine. Nora returned, patting her hands on the dress she was wearing. It was a long brownish red dress that covered every inch of her body except her neck and above her collarbone. Her curls were pulled back into a pinned back in a bun.
Agnes watched her seat down and she thought about how beautiful Nora looked. Her face heated up when Nora caught her gaze. “I don’t mind you staring but make sure you pick something good; I might want to try it.”
“Oh,” Agnes whispered and glanced down at the glass of water in front of her.
The waiter came and went and they talked about anything that came to mind. “Have you ever gone to Egypt, since your mom’s from there?” Nora shook her head.
“She rarely talked about it. I figured my dad didn’t want to either. I don’t know what happened and I stopped asking. I think it might’ve had something to do with her parents,” Nora took a sip of water.
“They met when my mom was an exchange student and became friends then I popped up while they were in college. My sisters came later.”
Agnes nodded, thinking about a younger Nora. Nora gave her small things about her life outside of her, but she would have to ask or otherwise she wouldn’t hear anything about it. “Do they…are they okay about what you are?”
Nora tapped her fingers against the table, staring at the question as if it was floating in the air. “My mom is from what she says anyway.” She didn’t push on the fact that Nora didn’t mention her father. Agnes knew for a while now that he had passed when Nora was thirteen. She laid her hand on Nora’s, trying to comfort her in a way. It only made herself conscious of the other people around them. But she tried not to pull away.
“How’s Mary and Joey?” Agnes asked, wanting to change the subject.
Nora played with her fingers. “She wants us to start doing those coffee dates again and Joey wants to have a birthday party for one of his friends.” It calmed the poet down to touch her.
“Do you want to go?” Agnes asked as the waiter came with their food.
She moved her hand back. “We can if you want. The party’s on the 12th.” Nora’s eyes glanced at her plate than at Agnes’s face.
“That’s fine with me.” She whispered.
Joey’s house wasn’t as filled as she thought it was going to be. She imagined he would have more friends. There were only less than ten people not counting Joey himself. He had always seemed like the type of person that had an extreme amount. They all lingered around his living room.
There were kid toys thrown around. She didn’t know much about Joey. Besides what she had assumed. Nora handed her a soda, and they went to the dining table that was weirdly placed directly behind the couch in the living room. Mary kissed Agnes and hugged her, dragging her into the sit next to her. Nora sat on Agnes’s left.
She felt eyes on her and turned to see the birthday boy staring at her. Agnes smiled awkwardly. She had never met him before and if she remembered correctly, his name was Erik. Her hand clenched the soda before placing it in front of her. The party had been going for an hour before they showed up. And Joey was tippy.
A choirs of groans followed even from Erik. “I don’t want to play your weird games on my birthday, dude.”
“Fine, we can play uno.” Joey said defeatedly.
They came back to her apartment after midnight on that Saturday. She wondered how to feel. The tone of the air was stable and calm, but something was nagging her. Nora kissed her cheek before saying something about taking a shower. The shower turned on in the close distance. Agnes sat down on her bed, staring at her hands. She had came to terms with what was going on. The future was coming to her mind quite often. What she wanted with a relationship with Nora and where it would go. She whispered, “Let Your Will be done.” Nora said she would wait for Agnes but how long would she truly wait for her to be ready? A year? Five? Ten? She shook her head at the idiotic thought.
She was just giving herself more to worry about. Her phone buzzed on her nightstand and a message from her father appeared. I will be coming to you instead. Her heart stopped. By the time, Nora walked into her room, her whole body was shaking. Tears sting her eyes.
“Are you okay?” Nora whispered.
Agnes saw her feet before she saw anything else until Nora lifted her face with her chin. Their eyes met and Agnes let out a choking noise. “Hey…” Her eyes softened at the sight of Agnes, and she hugged from where she was standing. Agnes nosed her face into her shirt. Silent tears fell, staining Nora’s shirt. Minutes flew by before either of them spoke, but when it happened, Nora’s voice echoed in her mind.
“It’s your dad isn’t?” Her voice was low but tender. She wasn’t whispering it like it was a secret between them. Agnes nodded when she had stopped crying.
“H-He’s coming here.” Agnes pulled away to look up at Nora, watching her facial expression. It was eerily calm. Nora reached down, wiping the tears away with her thumb.
He’ll ruin everything. She thought. Everything she built since she’s known Nora. She couldn’t let that happen, but she couldn’t run from him and his judgmental gaze. “Do you want me to lea-.”
“No. Never.” Agnes shook her head. “Stay here.”
“I don’t want to get in between you and your family, Agnes.” Nora argued.
Agnes grabbed the hand that was on her face and kissed it. “He’s the one that got in between me and my family. I want you…to stay.” Nora smiled without it reaching her eyes.
She could tell Nora was still worried about it. She racked her brain for a way to reassure her. “He wouldn’t touch my apartment with a ten-foot pole. Maxxie would bite him if she got a whiff of him.” That got a small, amused noise from the poet.
Eventually, Agnes left to take a shower. When she got back, Nora was still awake. Normally, she would fall asleep before Agnes. It took her longer to fall asleep. Nora was on her phone, typing something. Agnes crawled into bed and turned to Nora. “You have church in the morning. You should sleep.” Nora whispered, turning off her phone and turning to face Agnes.
“I will,” Her eyes fell to Nora’s lips.
Agnes nodded but she leaned in, kissing Nora. And they fell into a familiar game. But Agnes lifted herself to sit on Nora’s lap. The poet’s eyes widened before she pulled Agnes down to kiss her again. Nora kissed her harder. Deeper than before. It was desperate. She pulled Agnes down by her neck. The same hand moved to her hair and tangled between the curls. Agnes hadn’t straightened her hair that day. A moan escaped her, and she felt hot all over. What was she doing? She tried to focus on the moments in between the kisses, but Nora’s other hand slipped into her shorts. And she let her. Her face fell to the crook of her Nora’s neck and she pushed out a shaky breath.
“I-Is this, okay?” Nora whispered nervously.
Agnes nodded. “It’s okay.” She forced words out, trying to focus on the words and not Nora’s hand. She kissed Nora’s neck and moaned into it.
The art of needing something so much that it consumed you. The moment felt like that for Agnes. Like it was filling a hole, she could not fill. An itch she couldn’t scratch. And the moment it was satisfied, she needed more. She needed Nora and letting her go wasn’t a possibility. A gentle sin was committed in her mind but in her heart, it was anything but a sin.
An hour later, she traced the outline of Nora’s shoulder with her pointer finger. Her body was wrapped in Nora’s arms, and she listened to her heartbeat. It was slow and steady because she had fallen asleep. She liked the warmth that came from Nora. It was a nice contrast to the coldness of the room. She wished she could just stay like this with Nora. Not having to worry about anything else again but she wasn’t that naïve. She was human though.
“Go to sleep.” Nora whispered groggily, kissing Agnes’ forehead. She laid her head on Nora’s chest and closed her eyes.
Sunlight bloomed into Agnes’s bedroom, waking her up. Her body was faced with Nora’s back and reached out to touch the outline of spine. The light fell on her skin in a way that almost looked like she was glowing like an angel. She littered kisses from one shoulder to the other. “You’re beautiful.” She whispered. Nora made a noise and turned over, pulling her into a soft embrace.
“Beautiful?” Nora whispered back, smiling. Agnes pressed her face into the crook of her neck and closed her eyes. Time would have to freeze for Agnes to stop loving her. She realized the soft nudging of the feeling months ago, but she didn’t have a name for it. Love. With their bodies tangled together, Nora pulled Agnes into a kiss. It would’ve tasted sweet if it weren’t for the morning breath they both had.
“You’re always beautiful.”
“Choose your words wisely, Aggie or neither of us are getting out of this bed.”
Agnes’s fingers traced the outline of the poet’s face as she deepened the kiss. Her heart swelled as she thought about wanting more of it. The kisses, the love, Nora. It was a pity she did need to get out of bed to take Maxxie outside. Nora groaned when Agnes pulled away. “I have to take Maxxie outside.” She got out of bed and quickly got dressed.
The evening came quicker than she hoped because she got another text from her dad. He had booked a plane ticket for a roundtrip to see her. He would only be there for a few days. She knew her mom was forcing him to try to rekindle their relationship. Her mother had told her last week when she had taken Adam’s phone during a phone call. She was surprised that her mom didn’t feel the need to mediate the whole thing and got him to take time off of work. Her father hated taking time off work for anything much less for Agnes.
She stared at the open book in her hand and closed it, getting bored. Nora was sitting next to her with her laptop, writing. Agnes watched her from the small distance between them. “Do you want to read what I wrote?” Nora glanced over at her with sweet eyes.
Agnes nodded as she leaned over to see the poem. She noticed that the document was nearing the end and she hadn’t read much of it. She thought about waiting to read the whole thing if Nora ever published it. And if she did, the poem she was staring at would be the last one she would read.
but never to where you are,
An age may pass but if my words of love
find their way to your heart let it be by
Warmth spread across her face as she reread it. The poems were about her she knew that now. She remembered all of the poems she read until this one. “You love me?” Her eyes flicked to Nora’s nervous ones. Her mouth opened and closed for a second and then she nodded.
“Thought you knew…I love you, Agnes.”
“Oh.” Her brain went to mush, but she smiled through it, letting it reach her eyes.
“Yeah. I thought you just liked me.” Agnes joked.
Nora rolled her eyes and kissed her cheek. “I love you too.” Even with her father’s message sitting unanswered on her phone, the moment felt calmer than she expected. A bit anti climatic. It took her a moment to realize she preferred it that way. She didn’t want a grand confession or an angry one. She just wanted Nora to talk to her.
“We’re adults now. Liking is for kids.”
The diner Agnes met her father in was small and cozy. It was close to the airport, and he said it was because he was hungry from his flight. Thomas Holmes sat at a booth near the back of the diner and there was a plate of pancakes in front of him. Her legs took a lot of convincing to move from the entrance. He’s only going to be here for a few days and then he’ll be gone. She thought as she walked over to him and slid into the booth. He didn’t acknowledge her for the first couple of seconds.
She leaned against the cold booth, wanting to sink into it. His voice had been a constant in her life for the past ten years and now, he won’t even speak to her. “Dad?” He hummed, turning to look out the window.
“C-Can you just look at me? Speak to me?” Her hands shook as she leaned her body against the table. She slowly reached out her hand, but Thomas snatched his hand off the table before she could touch him.
He turned to look at her, finally with a distant expression. He looked at her like a stranger and not his daughter. His only daughter. “I like what you’ve done with your hair. The curls look better of you…like your mother’s.” Then he cleared his throat when the waitress came to take her order.
The only thing she could stomach was a coffee, and it didn’t take long for her to get it. Her thoughts wandered to Nora and what she might be doing. “Thank you. Where are you staying? I could take you there after you eat.” She offered. Her shaking hands slid back into her lap.
He pursed his lips. “I think I can manage. No need to cause any trouble.”
Agnes nodded, sipping her coffee. Why does she even bother? He won’t accept her even if she was dying and it was his last words to her. Tears welled up in her eyes, but she blinked away the tears. “Yeah, but I have a car, dad and I don’t want you stranded in a city you don’t anything about.” She tried her best not to let her voice shake.
He placed his fork down and let out a deep sigh. “What do you want from me? I came because your mother kept pestering me about it. Said something about…doesn’t matter.” He wiped a hand over his mouth.
“This is pointless.” She whispered but he heard her anyway.
His jaw twitched. “Nothing has changed.” She said louder. “You are the same man that sent m-” Agnes caught herself before she blunted out anything and stood up from the booth.
“You hate me, I get but I am still your daughter.” She swallowed as she watched his face for any reaction to her words. There was a glimpse of pain in his eyes, but it disappeared in a matter of seconds.
“Call me when you want to have an actual conversation, Thomas.” Then she left the diner.
Her apartment was cold when she returned. Maxxie and Nora had gone on a walk. She would be alone for another hour. She wanted to scream, to throw something, to…hurt him. Something to get her mind from the pressure building in her chest. Tears fell down her cheeks and a sob escaped. Her body took her to the couch, and she sunk into it. It was pathetic to feel this way she knew that. She knew her father would react the way he did. She knew him and yet, a small part of her, wanted to see if he had changed even a little bit.
It had been ten years, and she had gone back home once, and he wasn’t even there. Her breathing came out like she was wheezing. She rubbed a fist over her chest but it didn’t help.
Eventually, she ended up in her bedroom and climbed into bed, not even moving when the front door opened. “Agnes.” Nora’s voice echoed through the apartment and she lifted the cover over her head.
“Are you okay?” Her voice was closer that time and then a hand was on her shoulder.
“How was the breakfast with your dad?” She asked.
“I shouldn’t’ve gone.” Agnes spoke up and removed the cover from her face.
Nora sat down by her legs, rubbing Agnes’s legs. It felt nice to be comforted. Agnes spent her life wanting to be comforted…to be loved by someone. She had it with Nora. And she was crying over her dad. “But you would’ve regretted if you didn’t.” Her voice was sweet, almost angelic. Nora crawled to the other side of the bed and wrapped Agnes in her arms. She relaxed in them, tracing her fingers over Nora’s arm.
Her mom kept calling her and by the time the afternoon came, she had called her over ten times. Agnes shut down her phone after the tenth call. She knew it was about her father and she didn’t care. Her mom would try to convince her to see him again, but it was useless in her eyes to try to get through to him. Why should she be the one to convince him that she was a human being? That she was his daughter. Agnes watched Nora rummaged through the cabinets of the kitchen, looking for a pot. The ingredients that Nora needed for the dish weren’t available in any store around them and it was too late for her to order it from a store an hour away. The poet was sulking.
“We could just order pizza,” Agnes said defeatedly, staring at the cup in her hand. It was empty but needed something to distract herself.
Nora let out a huff and sat down on the kitchen floor. She looked annoyed. “I wanted to make dinner,” She whispered.
“I could do it,” Agnes responded, getting up to meet Nora in the kitchen. Nora laid her head on the fridge behind her and stared up at her. She reached out her hands, pulling Agnes down to her. “I wanted to make you something.”
She pulled Agnes into her lap and hugged her. In that moment, everything felt natural. To be held was something Agnes relished in. She leaned her head against Nora’s shoulder.
“What about pasta?” She whispered into Nora’s ear. The poet shivered, tightening her grip.
“Don’t whisper in my ear like that?” Nora complained but her smile said the opposite. Her annoyed expression vanished within seconds and something else replaced it.
“Why?” Agnes asked jokingly with a soft smile.
Nora ran her fingers through Agnes’s hair. It was a gentle touch. The poet’s fingers grazed her hairline to her cheek to her lips before stopping and brushing it across her lower lip. “Because I’m supposed to be annoyed and…now, I want to just touch you.” There was a pause like Nora was thinking about what she had just said.
Aggie moved her head from the poet’s shoulder and held her eyes tightly. She let out a breath. “You could do both.” It was bold, she knew that. Tempting Nora into something they hadn’t done before or even talked about.
Just about everything that had done thus far had been gentle and loving. What she wanted or at least she thought she did. They should talk more about the sexual dynamic between them, but it felt awkward for Agnes being as that she had only had sex with Nora. Nora stared back at her without saying anything like she was hesitant.
Agnes leaned her forehead against the poet’s. Still staring into her eyes. Quietly, she breathed in Nora’s presence. She couldn’t tell what Nora was thinking until Nora reached for cheek then leaned forward to kiss her. “Nora, I don’t want to makeout on the floor.” Nora nodded, seconds later, Agnes was being carried to her bedroom and laid on the bed.
“We can about this now or we can talk about it later," Nora explained. “About…the sex.” They were adults and most adults had somewhat healthy relationships with sex, but Agnes was not one of them. She barely even had a relationship with it.
Nora stood over her at the front of the bed. Her hands wrapped around Agnes’s ankles. “We can do whatever you want to do.” Her hands tightened a bit.
“Talk about it later.” She moved Agnes’s legs to wrap around her hips and leaned in to kiss her again. “Just tell me what you do and don’t like.”
“Okay.” Said Agnes with a nod.
“Are you going to tell Mary about us?” Agnes whispered.
They were in her bedroom and she was wrapped in Nora’s arms. The day was spent in bed and with Agnes, wondering if she could talk about this with her priest. She would have to schedule a day for confession with him. Praying about her relationship with Nora and going to Him about it was important to her but also awkward because of the rules on chastity for people like her. She had stopped thinking about how the church would see their relationship a long time ago.
But there were still the looming emotions of it. Feeling like she was disappointing the Church but she tended to push them away when they came. She leaned her forehead against Nora’s collarbone. Her question was still in the air and she waited for Nora to respond.
“No, do you want to? She knows I’m a lesbian. Don’t think she would care that much. I think she would be more surprised by you than anything else.” Nora explained, she placed her chin on top of Agnes head.
“You can tell her.” Mary would be the first to know about them. She knew there was nothing to hide between them. Mary and Agnes weren’t exactly the best of friends. She cared more about her brother or mother’s response to their relationship than anything else but that would have to wait. Adam knew she liked Nora and that they kissed but she didn’t tell anything besides that. And her mother knew nothing.
“Isn’t it weird though? You haven’t told anyone you like women and you want me to just come out to people for you?”
Agnes thought about it. “I’ll do it then.” She brushed a finger against the bare skin of Nora’s hip.
