u can just scroll past i dont expect anyone to read
i hope when i die that i didnt waste half of it incapacitated and miserable, wondering why im alive at all. i just turned 28 and i first got mentally ill when i was 14. since then, i only have 1 good year at a time before i spiral back into crippling depression and have to switch my medication again. everytime the antidepressant stops working, it takes a whole year to restabilize, and that whole year im suicidal, waiting to be normal again. i go back and forth, one year wishing i was dead, the next year just happy to be sleeping at night and able to leave the house. i live an extremely uneventful life in the precious time that i get when my meds are working, because i dont have the inner drive to experience anything other than normalcy, because its all i ever want, and can never maintain. people go their entire life sleeping every single night, while i waste my life going insane from sleep deprivation because i get so stupidly depressed that my brain loses the ability to go unconscious. i have entered an absolute living hell 8 times total, and every additional time i fall back in, it gets worse. if i want to stay alive and live a full life i have to find a psychiatrist who prescribes klonopin, which is the only thing that has ever knocked me out cold, but is a controlled substance and ive only been blessed with access once in my life.
a timeline of how fucked my brain gets, so i can keep track and tally the years
only normal for 3 months during the summer
19- wasted, my dad died when i hadnt slept in a year
20- normal, 21- wasted (5 yrs total)
22- normal, 23- wasted (6 yrs total)
24- normal, 25- wasted (7 yrs total)
26- normal, 27- wasted (8 yrs total)
i turned 28 a week ago and im still fucked up wasting time until normalcy returns. ive been taking prozac max dose for half a year now, and i still barely sleep at all. the signs of progress are my mood is completely stable, i dont get panic attacks anymore, im not constantly on the verge of sobbing, i feel somewhat content, and i dont feel like im going insane anymore, and have vowed to never smoke weed again which made me extra levels of insane and got me beat up by a cop and in jail for 4 days.... now i have ptsd from getting beat within an inch of my life, and i get flashbacks which terrify me and give me an instant panic attack
i dont know if i want sympathy or not but i really just want to feel less utterly alone. i have 0 friends, because i dont have the capacity to maintain friendships while im mentally ill. i dont live with family anymore, so i have close to zero human interaction. i dont text anyone at all, i havent left the house in a year while switching medication, and im still waiting to be normal, even after 6 months on max dose antidepressant. bc of the time passing, i have no idea if the day will ever come.
if u read every word of this i believe ur in love with me, and i wish that love could save me from myself, but unfortunately it cant
i will return to being silent and only using a queue to keep my blog active. if u had the heart to read this far, maybe your well wishes will comfort my soul and make me sleep at night. but, reality is i know im alone, and im used to it at this point.
all i wonder is if ill ever be truly genuinely happy.
i hope when i die, i die with inner peace.
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