Itās precisely 9:08 pm and I want fewd. I was talkin with my friendo here, Matthia, and earlier ended up having a smol but good cry about stuff I realized affected my eating habits/relationship with food as a child. It helped to talk about it, and I felt a bit of a weight lifting off my chest. As heavy (overweight) as I feel most of the time, after that, I felt a lot lighter. It didnāt hit me until then that what made me feel sluggish the most wasn't the food I ate or didnāt ate, it was that feeling I was carrying on my chest, heart, and soul. I felt very light when I felt like I was taking care of myself and eatingĀ āwellā days in a row, even if I hadnāt really been eating thatĀ āwellā. (By that I mean eating enough, or eating the right nutrients.) Itās as if I feel like Iāve lost weight, eaten healthier, gotten better, when I believe in myself and love myself more as a human being. Call it,Ā ārecognition of selfā, which includes what has led me to this point in my life. When I was younger I wanted to pretend emotional eating was normal. It was a problem solver. Only eating what was available and convenient was ALSO normal and a problem solver. Not beingĀ too thin or too overweight WAS a problem, but I ended up just covering my fluctuating weight. I usually felt that I was overweight, not only from my visits to the doctor and her showing me the graphs of me gaining and losing and gaining more- but just how I lived my life everyday. There is a lot I know I have avoided acknowledging and overcoming and I can barley admit I still have an eating problem today. I so badly want to pretend I never had one, because I just know it is not who I am. But maybe that has been the problem. I keep telling myself that itās not who I am, but if I did accept myself, and accept that it was still a part of who I am, perhaps I could learn to love that part of myself and finally let it go. Itās not that I donāt exactly accept it, but I do wish it gone. Too much. Every day. Accepting it ISNāT the same asĀ āgiving inā to itās control, but instead listening to it, and learning from it. I know this, yet it still scares me. It doesnāt stop the stomach aches, or the pain from knowing it was wrong so why did I listen to it anyways? Who can say any of it is truthfully wrong when it may be more wrong to hurt my soul more than my body. My body can and will be easily healed because it is something you can feel and see pretty straightforwardly. Humans are good at that, and I donāt have a problem staying true and motivated to trying new routines, foods, diets, exercise etc. But the reason I cannot find anything that works or sticks with my lifestyle is because I have not let my soul heal at all. Maybe a little when I at least admitted it wasnāt healthy to keepĀ āgiving inā and pretending itās okay, but that doesnāt mean simply stopping and trying to change the definition ofĀ āgiving inā and pretending THATās okay, it means I have to actually be patient and take the time to let my soul grow and move on peacefully as it should. All of those tempting ads about pills and fast diets and exercise plans that would get you to your goals in 4-6 weeks is what I wished I could do. I was scared of how badly I wanted to just force myself into those weeks,Ā āstarveā myself even for weeks, you know let my soul suffer for just a little while as long as it meant I could change on the outside somehow. I knew deep down my soul would be suffering either way, but at least this way I could stop being overweight. I would be going through the same journey, only now it could be a secret. No one could tell I had an eating, energy or lifestyle problem. I could act like everything is fine and no one would question me. I could eat new healthy foods and do new routines and exercises, and no one would question me. I would look like a normal healthy person doing normal healthy person things. But if I did those things now, the way I am now, I see myself as someone who will never get there no matter how hard they try. I donāt quite understand it fully, but maybe thatās part of the problem, and why it DOES feel like I am stuck sometimes. I donāt believe I am, the fact I can admit all of this now says something, but I still get that feeling. So perhaps, just perhaps, if I let my soul understand what it means to have a relationship with food, to be happy and healthy, full energy and light on their feet, even if that means eatingĀ āunhealthyā foods inĀ āunhealthyā amounts atĀ āunhealthyā times- I can learn what it means to be myself.
