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current hyper-fixations: steve harrington
★ currently working on: american teenagers - a stranger things series -> masterlist:
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at the end of the day, writing is something i do as an outlet/for my own pleasure, so don't take anything too seriously!
characters in each 18+ fic are aged up to 18 or older if they aren't already - this is an 18+ blog - that being said, do not interact with any of my content if you are a minor/ageless blog!
summary: life has changed since the battle of starcourt - you and steve in particular.
series masterlist:
authors note: hey...how ya'll doin....
eight months later
★
dear jonathan,
sorry for the late response, its been a little hectic over here the past couple of weeks. keith has been on a power trip ever since steve accidentally rented someone the wrong star trek. he totally forgot the voyage home just came out and gave the customer the search for spock!! total dingus.
i hope everything is good over there in sunny california. it sounds like you guys are really starting to settle!
lucky (or maybe unlucky) for you, nothing seems to change here in hawkins. its the same as you left it.
its starting to get warmer, but not nearly as warm as i bet it is over there. its so weird that this year is almost over - it feels like it just started.
its a bummer you haven't heard from any schools yet, but i'm sure it wont be long! i was talking to nancy the other day and she said the same thing. its so exciting you guys applied to the same schools - if anyone is going to make it in the long run, its you two.
i haven't heard back either. i'm not really sure how to feel about going to school in the fall. i've really adjusted to the life of a working woman!
i sometimes still drive dustin to school. he's stopped asking often, though, now that i mention it. he probably thinks he's too old now for a babysitter. he says he misses you guys and asks to say hi to will and el for him.
the rest of the kids are doing okay. i'm not sure how much will and el have told you, or how much the kids have told them, but i think they are still adjusting to high school.
lucas is honestly really thriving. he joined the basketball team, and even though he's totally riding the bench, i'm so proud of the little guy! well, he's not really little anymore, but whatever. steve spent all of august and september practicing with him, getting him ready for try outs. don't tell steve i told you this, but i think he got really invested. listens on the radio every friday night he can't get out of work to hear how the game goes and if lucas got to play. spoiler - he usually doesn't.
dustin and mike joined the hellfire club, which as i'm sure you can remember is run by that one super-senior eddie munson. it's a dnd club (so i'm not really sure where "hellfire" came from, but whatever), so i'm not really surprised. lucas joined as well, but i dont think he's as into it as he used to be. anyways, they seem to be doing pretty good, for the most part.
max is a different story.
i think she's really struggling after everything that happened last year. i'm sure you know, but after what happened with billy, his dad packed up and moved back to california, leaving max and her mom by themselves. they had to move into the forest hills trailer park.
sometimes max shows up at my house in the middle of the night. she says nothing, just asks if she can sleep in the spare room. my dad has been going on more work trips since he's close to retiring, and my mom has been going with him, so i'm usually alone anyways. i never mind the extra company.
maybe she just needs to be around someone who understands what its like to loose a brother.
to be honest, i'm really worried about her. but theres only so much you can help someone with if they don't want to help themselves.
anyways, the rest of us are okay as well. robin is killing her senior year - new crush of season goes to vicki, this girl in band with her. robins convinced shes straight, but steve and i think otherwise.
robs comes by family video every afternoon and helps me and steve out, ranting about all her interactions with vicki that day, whether its a short conversation, a greeting in the hall, or simply just looking at the back of her head in class. honestly adorable!
and steve is doing good as well.
anyways, how are all of you over there? you barely said anything in your last letter! is will adjusting alright? is el making friends? how is joyces job? and besides submitting your applications, how are you doing?
i miss you guys. its not the same without you.
nancy told me shes not coming to lenora for spring break anymore. she said she had too much work. are you guys okay? i know distance can be hard sometimes.
anyways, i'm expecting a lot longer of a letter next time, jonathan byers. i know you've got in you.
-your friend from home that misses you.
★
you woke up today like almost every other day for the past eight months- tangled in your best friends arms.
you mailed off the letter to jonathan yesterday, and you were already eager for a reply. clinging to any sense of normalcy had become your MO.
steves arms were steady around you, his skin warming you in all the right ways. if you leaned back enough you could feel the scrunch in is features against your back that signaled his close-to-conscious state.
a deep sigh left your lips, your eyes still shut as you turned around, nudging into the crevice between his shoulder and neck, lashes kissing his skin. you felt his lips part against your shoulder, his breath fanning against your skin, sending light shivers through your veins.
yours legs were entwined between his, arms secured around each others bodies. you felt steve squeeze you tighter, and you shifted to be pressed impossibly closer.
"mornin'," he rasped sleepily into you. you hummed, hands coming up to scratch up and down his bare back.
"hi," you murmured back, lips pressing against him as you spoke. he let out a quiet groan and squeezed you tighter, your chest pulsing at the contact.
after a few seconds he let you go, pushing himself up to sit on the mattress. you rolled onto your back, eyes fluttering open as you subconsciously bit your lip, watching as he ran his hand through his rustled hair, back muscles rippling as he did so.
god.
he slips out of bed, walking over to your ensuit, flipping on the light as he does so. he closes the door and a few moments later you hear the sound of the shower running. you selfishly wish he had left the door open.
this had been your morning routine almost every morning for eight months.
ever since the fall, the silence in your house from your parents often absence became overwhelming. you had stuck it out for a few weeks, but when your dreams were plagued by memories of giant inter-dimensional monsters and evil russians torturing your best friend as you feared for your life, there was only so much you take on your own.
and steve had the special ability of chasing nightmares away - you assumed you did the same for him.
it started one night in october. you had hosted a scary movie night with robin and steve, and your parents were in new york for the week. robin had left as soon as the movie finished, needing to study for a calculus test the next day. steve had stayed behind to help clean up.
he was about to leave, and you remember grabbing his wrist. he had looked back, watched as you clearly struggled for words.
"steve..." you had uttered, lips parting as you attempted to explain yourself. explain how much you needed him to say with you. how much it scared you how much you needed him. how there was still so much left unsaid between the two of you that it sometimes physically hurt to look at him, even all these months late. after what happened in the bathroom at starcourt, what happened at the hill before you drove back to the mall.
your eyes must've explained it. must've mirrored something he experienced as well. because he simply nodded, dropped his car keys in the tray by your door, and stepped out of his shoes, wrapping his fingers around yours and lead you up to bed.
steve was good like that. he didn't push.
it wasn't like sleepover were foreign to the two of you. its just that a lot had changed since the start of the summer, and you weren't sure what boundaries were in place now, which ones should be.
since then, he had very rarely slept anywhere else. sometimes the two of you switched over to his house, but yours always felt safer, for some reason. maybe it reminded him of better times during childhood, something his own house lacked.
his drawer from the years before had expanded. his toothbrush now sat next to yours in the cup next to the sink, his body wash in your shower, his belongings scattered across your room.
you tried not to think about how domestic it all was.
you hadn't kissed or anything since july. though all of this, arguably, was probably much. much worse than kissing.
you soon rise as well, padding down the stairs and brewing two coffees - one black, one with three sugars. when steve comes down, hair wet and only sporting boxers, your eyes intentionally remained locked on his as you pass him the former mug, looking away as you jog up the stairs to hop in the shower yourself.
when you come down, dressed in jeans and a short-sleeved top, steve is sitting at your kitchen counter, coffee nearly finished and now dressed himself. he glances over at you as you sit in the stool next to him, peering over his shoulder to look at the newspaper.
he nudged your shoulder, lips tilting up, brows pinching. "going for a new scent?"
you frown in confusion, turning your head and sniffing your upper arm. your cheeks go scarlet when you realized you had used his body wash instead of yours.
he chuckles, foot nudging yours as he turned his eyes back to the paper. shaking off your fluster, you clear your throat, walking over to the entryway, grabbing your bag. "ready?"
soon you and steve are sat in his car, windows down as your favorite mixtape plays through the speakers. the new crowded house record filtered through, and you twirled a piece of hair and hummed along to the lyrics of dont dream its over.
when you reached robins house, steve pulls to a stop, and the langley-limbed girl threw herself in, placing herself in the middle seat.
"thanks for the ride, lovebirds," she grins, the nickname resulting in an exasperated shake of the head from steve and a roll of the eyes from you.
robins dad usually drove her to school on the way to work, but he was away this week. luckily, she had two best friends who needed to drive to work as well, and often picked up the slack of her fathers absence.
"sure, robs," you mutter, lips tilting up.
you twist over your shoulder to look at her as steve backs out of the buckley driveway. you scrunch your nose. "okay, so, goal with vicki today?"
ever since robin had come out to you and steve at the end of summer, your friendship had strengthened. talking relationships and crushes with robin was vastly different than it was with carol back in the day, and you weren't as knowledgeable about lesbian dating as robin probably wished, but you tried your best.
this was the one area where steve probably gave better advice than you.
she sighs, opening up her palm. you reach into your purse, grabbing out your makeup bag, holding it out to her. she shuffles through the contents as she replies. "well, theres the pep rally, and the game tonight," she pulls out your contact mirror and a tube of mascara, widening her eyes and she brushed the black over her lashes. "maybe i could strike up some convo there?"
you hum, turning back around to face the front. "totally. thats perfect."
steve scoffs. "no no, you don't want to be trying too hard."
you narrow your eyes at him. "how is striking up conversations trying too hard?"
he sighs. "come on, its robin. her version of striking up conversation is very different than most peoples," he glances back at her. "no offense, robs."
she shrugs, moving on to her other eye. "none taken. what do you suggest then?"
he shrugs. "i dunno, just, like, be yourself."
you snicker. never mind, horrible advice.
robin seems to agree. "okay, first of all, you're literally quoting me to me. second, easy for you to say," she groans when the tube hits her eyelid, a finger coming up to smudge the black off. "you ask out a girl and she says no, big deal. maybe your ego is a little bruised, but if i ask out the wrong girl - bam. i'm a town pariah."
she sighs. "and besides, you get like, a million dates a month. clearly being yourself comes more natural to you," you watch as her brows dip, silently working out the logic in her own statement.
your tongue pokes into the side of your cheek, your head turning to the side.
yeah. steve was dating. a lot. and none of the people he was dating was you.
you supposed you couldn't be upset about it, not really. you were the one who had practically begged him to not speak of it, who shut down the conversation when he had brought it up in the bathroom at starcourt. it was your fault. you couldn't be jealous, couldn't feel even an ounce of envy.
but nothing in life was ever that simple, was it?
every single time you heard him warily utter a new girls name, you recalled the way your lips tingled for hours after they made contact with his.
the only nights he didn't spend with you were when he had dates. sometimes he was out all night and you wouldn't see him until work the next morning. you wouldn't ask, wouldn't wonder whether he had simply gone back to his house alone or...it didn't matter.
sometimes he came home - to your home - late, crawling into bed, wrapping his arms around you from behind. you were always awake, but you feigned sleep. you often wondered if he knew.
you didn't feel a aching throb in your chest. didn't feel your stomach twisting in thick knots. you didn't. in fact, you didn't even think about the dates. i swear.
you didn't ask questions. you didn't let yourself breath in case he smelled like someone else. you just laid there, not letting your mind wander.
you could almost feel the air shift in the car. steves voice sounded fragile as he spoke, clearing his throat. "thats not true, rob."
she raised her brows. "oh yeah? whos the girl of the week then?"
you felt eyes on the side of your head. you didn't look to see which one of them it belonged to. he clears his throat again. "heide. thursday night."
robin hums mockingly. "heide. and tell me, is heide clearly, obviously, 100% straight and 100% into you?"
steve moves in his seat uncomfortably, his body stiff. "um, i mean, 100% is intense, but..."
robin smacks the wand back in the tube, twisting it and throwing it back in the bag. "case in point!" she places the mirror back inside, zipping it close, hitting your shoulder to hand it back to you. you startle, clearing your own throat as you take it out of her hands, rubbing your lips together as you toss it back in your purse.
you let out a breath. "robin, im sure vicki isn't the 'wrong girl'."
"and how, exactly may i ask, do you know that?"
"she returned fast times paused at 53 minutes, 5 seconds," steve interjects, recovered from the dip in conversation. "do you know who pauses fast times at 53 minutes and 5 seconds? people who like boobies, robin!"
you and robin both scrunch your noses in disgust.
"ew, gross, don't say boobies!" she exclaims in disgust.
"its not a big deal, okay? everyone in this car minus her over there likes boobies. princess, back me up here," he looks pointedly over at you.
you narrow your eyes at him, before turning back to robin. "ignoring how gross the way he said it was... i mean, he's not wrong," you shrug sheepishly. "why else pause it there?"
robin groan. "whatever."
steve pulled into the school, and robin sat up straight, spotting a friend. "hey, wait up!" she calls out, grabbing her bag with a beaming smile, leaning forward to place a kiss on both of your cheeks, before hopping out and joining the crowd.
steve lets out a deep breath, driving away. its quiet for a moment, the silence thick.
you suck your teeth. "so, thursday night?"
his head jerks in your directions before refocussing. "uhh, yeah, yeah. thursday night."
you nod, foot tapping against the floor, eyes trained ahead. "am i expecting you back, or...?"
oh my god, shut up! you internally chided. steve and dating was a topic that was completely forbidden between the two of you. not that you had ever verbally agreed to it, but it was supposed to be clear.
he squirms. "um...not really sure yet," he huffs out, eyes flicking over to you. "is that...alright?"
you turn to him instantly, eyes wide. "of course!" you practically exclaim. you wince slightly, turning to face ahead again. "of-of course. whatever you, uh, need, er," you cringe, letting out a small, antsy laugh. "you know what i mean."
god, kill me now.
he lets out a breathy, slightly awkward laugh. "um, sure. yeah."
the rest of the drive was silent.
★
where did steve meet this heide, anyways?
what did she look like? did she look similar to you, or did she look nothing alike? you had never seen the girls he dated. this wasn't like high school where you knew all of them.
did she make him bend over, clutching his stomach as he laughed? did she know what each twist of his face meant, each glimmer in his eyes? no, definitely not.
remember how i said you didn't think about his dates? i lied.
in fact, it was all you could think about, some days.
he would either tell you awkwardly the night before at dinner, faux-casually in the morning in the car, or would wait until robin brought it up. he was lucky that he didn't have to break the news this time around.
every day that steve had plans the night of, you were distracted. sloppy. you put the films in the wrong section, half-hearted and borderline rude to customers, stared off into the distance as you tried to picture what each girl looked like.
linda had dark, brown hair, and beady brown eyes with thick eyelashes. she was bone skinny, and enjoyed reading, but in a cool way.
samantha was blond and curvy in all the right places. she fluttered her eyes up at him from across the table and said the word "like" after every sentence.
you of course, didn't actually know any of this stuff, but your assumptions had become bible.
as you sat behind the register as steve unloaded packages from the staff room, you gazed out the window, conjuring up the new girl. heide.
heide is medium height. 5'5, maybe 5'6? yes, 5'6. she has blue eyes and brown hair, that sits just below her shoulders. she had round cheeks and full lips. she's going to wear a sophisticated blouse and dark-wash jeans. steves going to be impressed she didn't wear something too revealing. hes going to appreciate it. respect it.
they met somewhere cute, like the grocery store. she was looking for oat - no, almond milk, and steve showed up, leaning against the freezer, throwing her his signature charming smile, making a joke so bad and stupid that she laughed anyways. he asked for her digits. she gave them. he called her that same night and asked her out.
"thursday at eight," he would've asked - no, directed. "my treat."
what would they talk about? what could they possibly talk about? no girl could ever understand what you guys had been through the past few years. what was there to discuss - the weather?
you knew how pathetic it looked, how it sounded - but you could hardly care. not when it was your steve. not when it was your fault.
robin had been trying to convince you to go on dates yourself for months.
"come on, it gets to a point," she had pointedly said one night in your kitchen, the two of you sporting glasses of wine. steve was out with tracy that night. he took her to the diner - your diner.
you had sighed, taking a long sip. "i couldn't do it. it would feel...disingenuous."
she groaned. "who cares? just like he's allowed to go on dates, so are you," she frowned. "either you pluck up the courage to take back what happened in the bathroom - or even admit that you want to take back what happened in the bathroom, baby steps - or you move on," she shrugs. "take your pick."
you bit your lip, robin reading the look in your eyes. she let out a breath, reaching across the counter to grab a post it and a pen from her bag, scribbling. you narrowed your eyes, leaning forward to read what se was writing.
"this, is a friend of a friend," she stated, the pen cap between her lips. "he is apparently very hot, very cool, and very single," she finished, handing you the sticky note. it held a phone number, followed by the name james.
her lips tilted. "take back the bathroom, or take hottie james out. choose," she wiggled her brows.
both options sucked. you chose neither.
a part of you selfishly wondered if he was doing it for certain motives - to make you jealous, to try to get over you. a bitter part of you hoped for that. the other bitter part of you conspired that he had just...moved on. that it was just a fluke, a glitch in the system.
but how could that be true? how could that possibly be real, when he spent every night in your arms, looking at you the way he did, smiling at you the way he did, kissing you the way he had back in july.
you could hardly think, brain turning to mush at the feeling of his lips working against yours. he was limp for the first second, but he quickly responded, one hand coming to cup the back of your head to pull you closer, his other to your lower back.
you weren't sure how to explain what you were feeling in this moment. it was like everything just made sense. it just felt right. just like how your body had always molded perfect with his, your lips did as well.
a pit of dread laid in your stomach because of this - because of how right it was. had this always been inevitable? was this always going to happen at some point?
it was almost like he had imagined how you would kiss him so often that he was able to guess right. he kissed you like he had done it a million times before. there was no hesitance, no trace of question or timidness.
it wasn't like walking into a new house - unfamiliar and unknown. no - it was like coming home.
but if that was so - if he was still feeling...whatever, towards you - why hadn't he done anything? what hadn't he fought for you?
the questions towering in your head toppled when you heard the staff door open, steve stepping out, holding a stack of tapes. "hey, think y'can help me put these away?"
you nod, shaking off your thoughts, stepping towards him, grabbing about half from the top. "sci-fi section," he informed as he led the way.
the two of you spent the next thirty minutes putting away the tapes, the ice thawing as you slowly overcame the tension from the morning, speaking mindlessly and chatting about the films.
you did what you did best - pretending it didn't happen. that none of it happened.
★
you had been planing on going to the basketball game at the high school that night, but it had slipped your mind that steve was bringing brenda - someone you actually did know from high school.
total bimbo. steve really knew how to pick 'em.
you had played off a headache. steve hesitated before leaving, asking if you needed him to stay home. you waved him off, saying you were fine.
you were not fine. at all.
so as steve and robin flirted it up with their people of interest at the game, you sat on your couch, watching the cable as you fisted popcorn into your mouth.
you promptly ignored the misery creeping in, the absolute despair at the thought of steve with another girl. back in high school you would feel discomfort at the concept, but now, burning hot envy poisoned your stomach.
once your bowl of popcorn was done, you stood up with a heavy sigh, padding over to the kitchen. you placed the dish in the sink, opening up a drawer to grab a piece of gum, itching to do something with your mouth. you open the top one, and you squint when you spot a folded up post-it in the corner.
you take it out, unfolding it, to see the number of the guys robin had reccomened - james. you swallowed, chewing on your lip.
you were desperate for a distraction. determined to not think about steve with brenda, or heide, or even with you.
you didn't think twice. you walked over to the phone and dialed the number.
★
james arrived thirty minutes later. you were grateful for his haste.
you got into his car, and he gave you a simple nod in greeting. you didn't ask him to take you out - you asked if he was free to hang out. it was clear what this was for.
after a while of driving through the dark, casual conversation being made, he parked in an empty lot. he pulled out a pack, waving it in his hands. "y'mind?"
you shook your head, holding out your hand. he raised his brows as he handed it to you. you pulled out a stick, placing it between yours lips as he just had. he brings a lighter to the end of his, before returning the favor.
its quiet as you both smoke, his hand inching for your thigh. you don't flinch. your mind stays blank.
it's not long before your cigarettes are discarded out the window, and you're sat on his laps, lips ravenously attacking his. in this moment, you think you really like james - because he didn't ask why you called, didn't try to slow it down or get to know you better. that wasn't what you wanted.
james was a good kisser - but he had nothing on steve.
the thought made your eyes water, but you squeezed your eyes tighter, pressing yourself closer to him. he wasn't warm like steve. it didn't feel right.
if the kiss with steve felt like returning home, this was akin to checking into a hotel
when the tears escaped and slipped past your eyes, james pulled away. he took a long look at your face. he nodded quietly. "alright?" he asked.
you nod, sniffling. "i'm sorry," you laugh in a small, pathetic way. "i don't know whats wrong with me." lie, you knew everything that was wrong with you. it was a five letter word starting with a "s" and ending with "t-e-v-e".
he shook his head. "s'alright. no big deal." you thought it was really nice that james wasn't being a dick. if you were him you would be at least a little annoyed.
soon he was driving you back home. this time, he walked you to the door.
you lingered for a second, looking up at him, a nervous glint in your eyes. he considered you.
he leaned forward, placing a soft but firm kiss against your lips. you weren't sure what you had expected him to say, but you felt relieved when all that left his lips was, "take care of yourself."
you swallowed, then nodded. "yeah, you too," you replied quietly. you stood and watched as he walked back to his car, driving away.
you couldn't shower off the shame, the pain that lingered. how steve could do it so easily was beyond you - how he could just be with someone else, kiss someone else.
you felt a special kind of loathing you had only reserved for yourself. not only had you wasted the poor guys night, but you had wasted your own. all of it was your fault. you couldn't forgive it, couldn't forgive that this was all your fault.
because you could be jealous, and angry, and upset with steve all you wanted, but at the end of the day, this was your doing. and that was so, so much worse.
you got ready for bed, laying down in the dark of your room. you weren't sure how much time had passed before you heard steves car pull into the driveway, his footsteps coming up the stairs.
he quietly opened the door, and you heard the dropping of his clothes, the drawers opening as he searched for new ones. a shiver ran down your spine as your mind conjured up images of what he looked like in this moment.
he climbed in behind you. "hey, y'awake?" you waited a second before nodding.
his arms wrapped around your stomach, and he let out a deep breath as he relaxed into you - like he had been holding it all night, like he could finally breath now. "hows your head?"
you subconsciously settle back into him. oh right, you had a headache. "a bit better," you reply hoarsely.
you felt a prickle of guilt again, before a flash of red hot anger. he did this almost every week - crawling back to you after spending the night with another girl. in fact, he was doing that right now. you were allowed to do it once, too. you were allowed.
he hummed, his fingers snaking around your waist. you almost trembled. "good," he murmured, before squeezing your skin. "hey, get this, sinclaire got off the bench."
a gasp escaped your lips, and you couldn't help but twist in his arms. "really?"
he gave you a tired grin. "mhm, and, guess what?"
"what?"
"he shot the winning point."
an elated laugh left your lips. "seriously? oh my god, i can't believe i missed it!"
"i know. kid looked overjoyed. he's spending the night partying with the team," he informed.
you scrunch your nose, yet your smile didn't falter. "wow, he's like a mini version of you."
"oh, come on, he's much better," he teased, causing you to snicker.
"look at you, being humble," you teased back. you didn't even register how your hands had landed around his shoulders, fingers threading at the hairs on the nape of his neck. didn't process how easy the domestic act had come to you, how normal all of this felt - even when you're mad at him. even when you're mad at yourself.
"yeah, well, you know me, princess," he voiced back throatily, eyes dancing with amusement. "always rooting for the youth."
you bite back your smile, shaking your head. its when your noses graze that you begin to understand how close you are to him, remember everything that passed tonight.
your lips part, features going soft yet strained. "steve..."
he shifts, his own smile faltering. "yeah?"
you almost ask. you almost ask how tonight was, how brenda was. whether they had an actual, substantial conversation, whether she made him laugh, or vice versa. whether he dropped her off with a kiss, or if he was going to go out with her again.
you almost admitted what you had recklessly done tonight - how you had met with a stranger and kissed him in his car. how you had started crying because it was a good kiss, but paled in comparison to steves lips on yours. how everything seemed to pale in comparison.
you almost confessed how much you despise that he's dating. that he even knows what other girls tastes like. that picturing him at a restaurant, sat in front of a girl that isn't you, almost makes your chest crack.
you almost ask him to stop, because you selfishly and undoubtably knew that he would do whatever you asked, even if it killed him. you only felt more guilt and self-loathing at these thoughts, but they were real. they were the rawest form of you - steve had the special talent of bringing it out of you without even trying.
he must've seen it - maybe not all of it, but seen where you were going - because his brows pinched in what looked akin to pain, and he subtly shook his head, diving between your bodies, resting in the nape of your neck. his lips softly peppered below your ear, so lightly it could be passed off as nothing. it was never nothing - at least not for you.
you actually did shiver this time. was this his way of telling you? of saying that he still felt it, that it hadn't gone away? that no matter how many girls he took out or took to bed, that it was always going to be you?
your chest aches. maybe he could do it - go out, be with other girls, come back home - but you couldn't. couldn't shake that you had been with someone else tonight, had someone elses lips on yours just an hour ago.
you let out a shaky breath, turning around in his arms, causing his lips to disconnect. you weren't brave enough to pull away completely.
steve got the hint, sighing softly, defeatedly, as he rested back into you, not pressing his lips anywhere else. you didn't let yourself linger on how good his lips felt against you, didn't let yourself regret - you couldn't take regretting anything else.
you couldn't stop feeling the guilt. it was suffocating everything in you.
you felt his breaths even out eventually, soft snores coming from his lips.
a/n: hi angels!!! im so so sorry for how long the break was. i really didn't anticipate being gone for that long, but honestly i really dont regret it. i feel so much more motivated now and my love for these two has restored, so to me it was worth it!! everyone wants me to produce the best version of these two, and i could only be able to give that if i took the time off. so yes, anyways, i hope you enjoyed, and i can't wait to be active again!!
summary: life has changed since the battle of starcourt - you and steve in particular.
series masterlist:
authors note: hey...how ya'll doin....
eight months later
★
dear jonathan,
sorry for the late response, its been a little hectic over here the past couple of weeks. keith has been on a power trip ever since steve accidentally rented someone the wrong star trek. he totally forgot the voyage home just came out and gave the customer the search for spock!! total dingus.
i hope everything is good over there in sunny california. it sounds like you guys are really starting to settle!
lucky (or maybe unlucky) for you, nothing seems to change here in hawkins. its the same as you left it.
its starting to get warmer, but not nearly as warm as i bet it is over there. its so weird that this year is almost over - it feels like it just started.
its a bummer you haven't heard from any schools yet, but i'm sure it wont be long! i was talking to nancy the other day and she said the same thing. its so exciting you guys applied to the same schools - if anyone is going to make it in the long run, its you two.
i haven't heard back either. i'm not really sure how to feel about going to school in the fall. i've really adjusted to the life of a working woman!
i sometimes still drive dustin to school. he's stopped asking often, though, now that i mention it. he probably thinks he's too old now for a babysitter. he says he misses you guys and asks to say hi to will and el for him.
the rest of the kids are doing okay. i'm not sure how much will and el have told you, or how much the kids have told them, but i think they are still adjusting to high school.
lucas is honestly really thriving. he joined the basketball team, and even though he's totally riding the bench, i'm so proud of the little guy! well, he's not really little anymore, but whatever. steve spent all of august and september practicing with him, getting him ready for try outs. don't tell steve i told you this, but i think he got really invested. listens on the radio every friday night he can't get out of work to hear how the game goes and if lucas got to play. spoiler - he usually doesn't.
dustin and mike joined the hellfire club, which as i'm sure you can remember is run by that one super-senior eddie munson. it's a dnd club (so i'm not really sure where "hellfire" came from, but whatever), so i'm not really surprised. lucas joined as well, but i dont think he's as into it as he used to be. anyways, they seem to be doing pretty good, for the most part.
max is a different story.
i think she's really struggling after everything that happened last year. i'm sure you know, but after what happened with billy, his dad packed up and moved back to california, leaving max and her mom by themselves. they had to move into the forest hills trailer park.
sometimes max shows up at my house in the middle of the night. she says nothing, just asks if she can sleep in the spare room. my dad has been going on more work trips since he's close to retiring, and my mom has been going with him, so i'm usually alone anyways. i never mind the extra company.
maybe she just needs to be around someone who understands what its like to loose a brother.
to be honest, i'm really worried about her. but theres only so much you can help someone with if they don't want to help themselves.
anyways, the rest of us are okay as well. robin is killing her senior year - new crush of season goes to vicki, this girl in band with her. robins convinced shes straight, but steve and i think otherwise.
robs comes by family video every afternoon and helps me and steve out, ranting about all her interactions with vicki that day, whether its a short conversation, a greeting in the hall, or simply just looking at the back of her head in class. honestly adorable!
and steve is doing good as well.
anyways, how are all of you over there? you barely said anything in your last letter! is will adjusting alright? is el making friends? how is joyces job? and besides submitting your applications, how are you doing?
i miss you guys. its not the same without you.
nancy told me shes not coming to lenora for spring break anymore. she said she had too much work. are you guys okay? i know distance can be hard sometimes.
anyways, i'm expecting a lot longer of a letter next time, jonathan byers. i know you've got in you.
-your friend from home that misses you.
★
you woke up today like almost every other day for the past eight months- tangled in your best friends arms.
you mailed off the letter to jonathan yesterday, and you were already eager for a reply. clinging to any sense of normalcy had become your MO.
steves arms were steady around you, his skin warming you in all the right ways. if you leaned back enough you could feel the scrunch in is features against your back that signaled his close-to-conscious state.
a deep sigh left your lips, your eyes still shut as you turned around, nudging into the crevice between his shoulder and neck, lashes kissing his skin. you felt his lips part against your shoulder, his breath fanning against your skin, sending light shivers through your veins.
yours legs were entwined between his, arms secured around each others bodies. you felt steve squeeze you tighter, and you shifted to be pressed impossibly closer.
"mornin'," he rasped sleepily into you. you hummed, hands coming up to scratch up and down his bare back.
"hi," you murmured back, lips pressing against him as you spoke. he let out a quiet groan and squeezed you tighter, your chest pulsing at the contact.
after a few seconds he let you go, pushing himself up to sit on the mattress. you rolled onto your back, eyes fluttering open as you subconsciously bit your lip, watching as he ran his hand through his rustled hair, back muscles rippling as he did so.
god.
he slips out of bed, walking over to your ensuit, flipping on the light as he does so. he closes the door and a few moments later you hear the sound of the shower running. you selfishly wish he had left the door open.
this had been your morning routine almost every morning for eight months.
ever since the fall, the silence in your house from your parents often absence became overwhelming. you had stuck it out for a few weeks, but when your dreams were plagued by memories of giant inter-dimensional monsters and evil russians torturing your best friend as you feared for your life, there was only so much you take on your own.
and steve had the special ability of chasing nightmares away - you assumed you did the same for him.
it started one night in october. you had hosted a scary movie night with robin and steve, and your parents were in new york for the week. robin had left as soon as the movie finished, needing to study for a calculus test the next day. steve had stayed behind to help clean up.
he was about to leave, and you remember grabbing his wrist. he had looked back, watched as you clearly struggled for words.
"steve..." you had uttered, lips parting as you attempted to explain yourself. explain how much you needed him to say with you. how much it scared you how much you needed him. how there was still so much left unsaid between the two of you that it sometimes physically hurt to look at him, even all these months late. after what happened in the bathroom at starcourt, what happened at the hill before you drove back to the mall.
your eyes must've explained it. must've mirrored something he experienced as well. because he simply nodded, dropped his car keys in the tray by your door, and stepped out of his shoes, wrapping his fingers around yours and lead you up to bed.
steve was good like that. he didn't push.
it wasn't like sleepover were foreign to the two of you. its just that a lot had changed since the start of the summer, and you weren't sure what boundaries were in place now, which ones should be.
since then, he had very rarely slept anywhere else. sometimes the two of you switched over to his house, but yours always felt safer, for some reason. maybe it reminded him of better times during childhood, something his own house lacked.
his drawer from the years before had expanded. his toothbrush now sat next to yours in the cup next to the sink, his body wash in your shower, his belongings scattered across your room.
you tried not to think about how domestic it all was.
you hadn't kissed or anything since july. though all of this, arguably, was probably much. much worse than kissing.
you soon rise as well, padding down the stairs and brewing two coffees - one black, one with three sugars. when steve comes down, hair wet and only sporting boxers, your eyes intentionally remained locked on his as you pass him the former mug, looking away as you jog up the stairs to hop in the shower yourself.
when you come down, dressed in jeans and a short-sleeved top, steve is sitting at your kitchen counter, coffee nearly finished and now dressed himself. he glances over at you as you sit in the stool next to him, peering over his shoulder to look at the newspaper.
he nudged your shoulder, lips tilting up, brows pinching. "going for a new scent?"
you frown in confusion, turning your head and sniffing your upper arm. your cheeks go scarlet when you realized you had used his body wash instead of yours.
he chuckles, foot nudging yours as he turned his eyes back to the paper. shaking off your fluster, you clear your throat, walking over to the entryway, grabbing your bag. "ready?"
soon you and steve are sat in his car, windows down as your favorite mixtape plays through the speakers. the new crowded house record filtered through, and you twirled a piece of hair and hummed along to the lyrics of dont dream its over.
when you reached robins house, steve pulls to a stop, and the langley-limbed girl threw herself in, placing herself in the middle seat.
"thanks for the ride, lovebirds," she grins, the nickname resulting in an exasperated shake of the head from steve and a roll of the eyes from you.
robins dad usually drove her to school on the way to work, but he was away this week. luckily, she had two best friends who needed to drive to work as well, and often picked up the slack of her fathers absence.
"sure, robs," you mutter, lips tilting up.
you twist over your shoulder to look at her as steve backs out of the buckley driveway. you scrunch your nose. "okay, so, goal with vicki today?"
ever since robin had come out to you and steve at the end of summer, your friendship had strengthened. talking relationships and crushes with robin was vastly different than it was with carol back in the day, and you weren't as knowledgeable about lesbian dating as robin probably wished, but you tried your best.
this was the one area where steve probably gave better advice than you.
she sighs, opening up her palm. you reach into your purse, grabbing out your makeup bag, holding it out to her. she shuffles through the contents as she replies. "well, theres the pep rally, and the game tonight," she pulls out your contact mirror and a tube of mascara, widening her eyes and she brushed the black over her lashes. "maybe i could strike up some convo there?"
you hum, turning back around to face the front. "totally. thats perfect."
steve scoffs. "no no, you don't want to be trying too hard."
you narrow your eyes at him. "how is striking up conversations trying too hard?"
he sighs. "come on, its robin. her version of striking up conversation is very different than most peoples," he glances back at her. "no offense, robs."
she shrugs, moving on to her other eye. "none taken. what do you suggest then?"
he shrugs. "i dunno, just, like, be yourself."
you snicker. never mind, horrible advice.
robin seems to agree. "okay, first of all, you're literally quoting me to me. second, easy for you to say," she groans when the tube hits her eyelid, a finger coming up to smudge the black off. "you ask out a girl and she says no, big deal. maybe your ego is a little bruised, but if i ask out the wrong girl - bam. i'm a town pariah."
she sighs. "and besides, you get like, a million dates a month. clearly being yourself comes more natural to you," you watch as her brows dip, silently working out the logic in her own statement.
your tongue pokes into the side of your cheek, your head turning to the side.
yeah. steve was dating. a lot. and none of the people he was dating was you.
you supposed you couldn't be upset about it, not really. you were the one who had practically begged him to not speak of it, who shut down the conversation when he had brought it up in the bathroom at starcourt. it was your fault. you couldn't be jealous, couldn't feel even an ounce of envy.
but nothing in life was ever that simple, was it?
every single time you heard him warily utter a new girls name, you recalled the way your lips tingled for hours after they made contact with his.
the only nights he didn't spend with you were when he had dates. sometimes he was out all night and you wouldn't see him until work the next morning. you wouldn't ask, wouldn't wonder whether he had simply gone back to his house alone or...it didn't matter.
sometimes he came home - to your home - late, crawling into bed, wrapping his arms around you from behind. you were always awake, but you feigned sleep. you often wondered if he knew.
you didn't feel a aching throb in your chest. didn't feel your stomach twisting in thick knots. you didn't. in fact, you didn't even think about the dates. i swear.
you didn't ask questions. you didn't let yourself breath in case he smelled like someone else. you just laid there, not letting your mind wander.
you could almost feel the air shift in the car. steves voice sounded fragile as he spoke, clearing his throat. "thats not true, rob."
she raised her brows. "oh yeah? whos the girl of the week then?"
you felt eyes on the side of your head. you didn't look to see which one of them it belonged to. he clears his throat again. "heide. thursday night."
robin hums mockingly. "heide. and tell me, is heide clearly, obviously, 100% straight and 100% into you?"
steve moves in his seat uncomfortably, his body stiff. "um, i mean, 100% is intense, but..."
robin smacks the wand back in the tube, twisting it and throwing it back in the bag. "case in point!" she places the mirror back inside, zipping it close, hitting your shoulder to hand it back to you. you startle, clearing your own throat as you take it out of her hands, rubbing your lips together as you toss it back in your purse.
you let out a breath. "robin, im sure vicki isn't the 'wrong girl'."
"and how, exactly may i ask, do you know that?"
"she returned fast times paused at 53 minutes, 5 seconds," steve interjects, recovered from the dip in conversation. "do you know who pauses fast times at 53 minutes and 5 seconds? people who like boobies, robin!"
you and robin both scrunch your noses in disgust.
"ew, gross, don't say boobies!" she exclaims in disgust.
"its not a big deal, okay? everyone in this car minus her over there likes boobies. princess, back me up here," he looks pointedly over at you.
you narrow your eyes at him, before turning back to robin. "ignoring how gross the way he said it was... i mean, he's not wrong," you shrug sheepishly. "why else pause it there?"
robin groan. "whatever."
steve pulled into the school, and robin sat up straight, spotting a friend. "hey, wait up!" she calls out, grabbing her bag with a beaming smile, leaning forward to place a kiss on both of your cheeks, before hopping out and joining the crowd.
steve lets out a deep breath, driving away. its quiet for a moment, the silence thick.
you suck your teeth. "so, thursday night?"
his head jerks in your directions before refocussing. "uhh, yeah, yeah. thursday night."
you nod, foot tapping against the floor, eyes trained ahead. "am i expecting you back, or...?"
oh my god, shut up! you internally chided. steve and dating was a topic that was completely forbidden between the two of you. not that you had ever verbally agreed to it, but it was supposed to be clear.
he squirms. "um...not really sure yet," he huffs out, eyes flicking over to you. "is that...alright?"
you turn to him instantly, eyes wide. "of course!" you practically exclaim. you wince slightly, turning to face ahead again. "of-of course. whatever you, uh, need, er," you cringe, letting out a small, antsy laugh. "you know what i mean."
god, kill me now.
he lets out a breathy, slightly awkward laugh. "um, sure. yeah."
the rest of the drive was silent.
★
where did steve meet this heide, anyways?
what did she look like? did she look similar to you, or did she look nothing alike? you had never seen the girls he dated. this wasn't like high school where you knew all of them.
did she make him bend over, clutching his stomach as he laughed? did she know what each twist of his face meant, each glimmer in his eyes? no, definitely not.
remember how i said you didn't think about his dates? i lied.
in fact, it was all you could think about, some days.
he would either tell you awkwardly the night before at dinner, faux-casually in the morning in the car, or would wait until robin brought it up. he was lucky that he didn't have to break the news this time around.
every day that steve had plans the night of, you were distracted. sloppy. you put the films in the wrong section, half-hearted and borderline rude to customers, stared off into the distance as you tried to picture what each girl looked like.
linda had dark, brown hair, and beady brown eyes with thick eyelashes. she was bone skinny, and enjoyed reading, but in a cool way.
samantha was blond and curvy in all the right places. she fluttered her eyes up at him from across the table and said the word "like" after every sentence.
you of course, didn't actually know any of this stuff, but your assumptions had become bible.
as you sat behind the register as steve unloaded packages from the staff room, you gazed out the window, conjuring up the new girl. heide.
heide is medium height. 5'5, maybe 5'6? yes, 5'6. she has blue eyes and brown hair, that sits just below her shoulders. she had round cheeks and full lips. she's going to wear a sophisticated blouse and dark-wash jeans. steves going to be impressed she didn't wear something too revealing. hes going to appreciate it. respect it.
they met somewhere cute, like the grocery store. she was looking for oat - no, almond milk, and steve showed up, leaning against the freezer, throwing her his signature charming smile, making a joke so bad and stupid that she laughed anyways. he asked for her digits. she gave them. he called her that same night and asked her out.
"thursday at eight," he would've asked - no, directed. "my treat."
what would they talk about? what could they possibly talk about? no girl could ever understand what you guys had been through the past few years. what was there to discuss - the weather?
you knew how pathetic it looked, how it sounded - but you could hardly care. not when it was your steve. not when it was your fault.
robin had been trying to convince you to go on dates yourself for months.
"come on, it gets to a point," she had pointedly said one night in your kitchen, the two of you sporting glasses of wine. steve was out with tracy that night. he took her to the diner - your diner.
you had sighed, taking a long sip. "i couldn't do it. it would feel...disingenuous."
she groaned. "who cares? just like he's allowed to go on dates, so are you," she frowned. "either you pluck up the courage to take back what happened in the bathroom - or even admit that you want to take back what happened in the bathroom, baby steps - or you move on," she shrugs. "take your pick."
you bit your lip, robin reading the look in your eyes. she let out a breath, reaching across the counter to grab a post it and a pen from her bag, scribbling. you narrowed your eyes, leaning forward to read what se was writing.
"this, is a friend of a friend," she stated, the pen cap between her lips. "he is apparently very hot, very cool, and very single," she finished, handing you the sticky note. it held a phone number, followed by the name james.
her lips tilted. "take back the bathroom, or take hottie james out. choose," she wiggled her brows.
both options sucked. you chose neither.
a part of you selfishly wondered if he was doing it for certain motives - to make you jealous, to try to get over you. a bitter part of you hoped for that. the other bitter part of you conspired that he had just...moved on. that it was just a fluke, a glitch in the system.
but how could that be true? how could that possibly be real, when he spent every night in your arms, looking at you the way he did, smiling at you the way he did, kissing you the way he had back in july.
you could hardly think, brain turning to mush at the feeling of his lips working against yours. he was limp for the first second, but he quickly responded, one hand coming to cup the back of your head to pull you closer, his other to your lower back.
you weren't sure how to explain what you were feeling in this moment. it was like everything just made sense. it just felt right. just like how your body had always molded perfect with his, your lips did as well.
a pit of dread laid in your stomach because of this - because of how right it was. had this always been inevitable? was this always going to happen at some point?
it was almost like he had imagined how you would kiss him so often that he was able to guess right. he kissed you like he had done it a million times before. there was no hesitance, no trace of question or timidness.
it wasn't like walking into a new house - unfamiliar and unknown. no - it was like coming home.
but if that was so - if he was still feeling...whatever, towards you - why hadn't he done anything? what hadn't he fought for you?
the questions towering in your head toppled when you heard the staff door open, steve stepping out, holding a stack of tapes. "hey, think y'can help me put these away?"
you nod, shaking off your thoughts, stepping towards him, grabbing about half from the top. "sci-fi section," he informed as he led the way.
the two of you spent the next thirty minutes putting away the tapes, the ice thawing as you slowly overcame the tension from the morning, speaking mindlessly and chatting about the films.
you did what you did best - pretending it didn't happen. that none of it happened.
★
you had been planing on going to the basketball game at the high school that night, but it had slipped your mind that steve was bringing brenda - someone you actually did know from high school.
total bimbo. steve really knew how to pick 'em.
you had played off a headache. steve hesitated before leaving, asking if you needed him to stay home. you waved him off, saying you were fine.
you were not fine. at all.
so as steve and robin flirted it up with their people of interest at the game, you sat on your couch, watching the cable as you fisted popcorn into your mouth.
you promptly ignored the misery creeping in, the absolute despair at the thought of steve with another girl. back in high school you would feel discomfort at the concept, but now, burning hot envy poisoned your stomach.
once your bowl of popcorn was done, you stood up with a heavy sigh, padding over to the kitchen. you placed the dish in the sink, opening up a drawer to grab a piece of gum, itching to do something with your mouth. you open the top one, and you squint when you spot a folded up post-it in the corner.
you take it out, unfolding it, to see the number of the guys robin had reccomened - james. you swallowed, chewing on your lip.
you were desperate for a distraction. determined to not think about steve with brenda, or heide, or even with you.
you didn't think twice. you walked over to the phone and dialed the number.
★
james arrived thirty minutes later. you were grateful for his haste.
you got into his car, and he gave you a simple nod in greeting. you didn't ask him to take you out - you asked if he was free to hang out. it was clear what this was for.
after a while of driving through the dark, casual conversation being made, he parked in an empty lot. he pulled out a pack, waving it in his hands. "y'mind?"
you shook your head, holding out your hand. he raised his brows as he handed it to you. you pulled out a stick, placing it between yours lips as he just had. he brings a lighter to the end of his, before returning the favor.
its quiet as you both smoke, his hand inching for your thigh. you don't flinch. your mind stays blank.
it's not long before your cigarettes are discarded out the window, and you're sat on his laps, lips ravenously attacking his. in this moment, you think you really like james - because he didn't ask why you called, didn't try to slow it down or get to know you better. that wasn't what you wanted.
james was a good kisser - but he had nothing on steve.
the thought made your eyes water, but you squeezed your eyes tighter, pressing yourself closer to him. he wasn't warm like steve. it didn't feel right.
if the kiss with steve felt like returning home, this was akin to checking into a hotel
when the tears escaped and slipped past your eyes, james pulled away. he took a long look at your face. he nodded quietly. "alright?" he asked.
you nod, sniffling. "i'm sorry," you laugh in a small, pathetic way. "i don't know whats wrong with me." lie, you knew everything that was wrong with you. it was a five letter word starting with a "s" and ending with "t-e-v-e".
he shook his head. "s'alright. no big deal." you thought it was really nice that james wasn't being a dick. if you were him you would be at least a little annoyed.
soon he was driving you back home. this time, he walked you to the door.
you lingered for a second, looking up at him, a nervous glint in your eyes. he considered you.
he leaned forward, placing a soft but firm kiss against your lips. you weren't sure what you had expected him to say, but you felt relieved when all that left his lips was, "take care of yourself."
you swallowed, then nodded. "yeah, you too," you replied quietly. you stood and watched as he walked back to his car, driving away.
you couldn't shower off the shame, the pain that lingered. how steve could do it so easily was beyond you - how he could just be with someone else, kiss someone else.
you felt a special kind of loathing you had only reserved for yourself. not only had you wasted the poor guys night, but you had wasted your own. all of it was your fault. you couldn't forgive it, couldn't forgive that this was all your fault.
because you could be jealous, and angry, and upset with steve all you wanted, but at the end of the day, this was your doing. and that was so, so much worse.
you got ready for bed, laying down in the dark of your room. you weren't sure how much time had passed before you heard steves car pull into the driveway, his footsteps coming up the stairs.
he quietly opened the door, and you heard the dropping of his clothes, the drawers opening as he searched for new ones. a shiver ran down your spine as your mind conjured up images of what he looked like in this moment.
he climbed in behind you. "hey, y'awake?" you waited a second before nodding.
his arms wrapped around your stomach, and he let out a deep breath as he relaxed into you - like he had been holding it all night, like he could finally breath now. "hows your head?"
you subconsciously settle back into him. oh right, you had a headache. "a bit better," you reply hoarsely.
you felt a prickle of guilt again, before a flash of red hot anger. he did this almost every week - crawling back to you after spending the night with another girl. in fact, he was doing that right now. you were allowed to do it once, too. you were allowed.
he hummed, his fingers snaking around your waist. you almost trembled. "good," he murmured, before squeezing your skin. "hey, get this, sinclaire got off the bench."
a gasp escaped your lips, and you couldn't help but twist in his arms. "really?"
he gave you a tired grin. "mhm, and, guess what?"
"what?"
"he shot the winning point."
an elated laugh left your lips. "seriously? oh my god, i can't believe i missed it!"
"i know. kid looked overjoyed. he's spending the night partying with the team," he informed.
you scrunch your nose, yet your smile didn't falter. "wow, he's like a mini version of you."
"oh, come on, he's much better," he teased, causing you to snicker.
"look at you, being humble," you teased back. you didn't even register how your hands had landed around his shoulders, fingers threading at the hairs on the nape of his neck. didn't process how easy the domestic act had come to you, how normal all of this felt - even when you're mad at him. even when you're mad at yourself.
"yeah, well, you know me, princess," he voiced back throatily, eyes dancing with amusement. "always rooting for the youth."
you bite back your smile, shaking your head. its when your noses graze that you begin to understand how close you are to him, remember everything that passed tonight.
your lips part, features going soft yet strained. "steve..."
he shifts, his own smile faltering. "yeah?"
you almost ask. you almost ask how tonight was, how brenda was. whether they had an actual, substantial conversation, whether she made him laugh, or vice versa. whether he dropped her off with a kiss, or if he was going to go out with her again.
you almost admitted what you had recklessly done tonight - how you had met with a stranger and kissed him in his car. how you had started crying because it was a good kiss, but paled in comparison to steves lips on yours. how everything seemed to pale in comparison.
you almost confessed how much you despise that he's dating. that he even knows what other girls tastes like. that picturing him at a restaurant, sat in front of a girl that isn't you, almost makes your chest crack.
you almost ask him to stop, because you selfishly and undoubtably knew that he would do whatever you asked, even if it killed him. you only felt more guilt and self-loathing at these thoughts, but they were real. they were the rawest form of you - steve had the special talent of bringing it out of you without even trying.
he must've seen it - maybe not all of it, but seen where you were going - because his brows pinched in what looked akin to pain, and he subtly shook his head, diving between your bodies, resting in the nape of your neck. his lips softly peppered below your ear, so lightly it could be passed off as nothing. it was never nothing - at least not for you.
you actually did shiver this time. was this his way of telling you? of saying that he still felt it, that it hadn't gone away? that no matter how many girls he took out or took to bed, that it was always going to be you?
your chest aches. maybe he could do it - go out, be with other girls, come back home - but you couldn't. couldn't shake that you had been with someone else tonight, had someone elses lips on yours just an hour ago.
you let out a shaky breath, turning around in his arms, causing his lips to disconnect. you weren't brave enough to pull away completely.
steve got the hint, sighing softly, defeatedly, as he rested back into you, not pressing his lips anywhere else. you didn't let yourself linger on how good his lips felt against you, didn't let yourself regret - you couldn't take regretting anything else.
you couldn't stop feeling the guilt. it was suffocating everything in you.
you felt his breaths even out eventually, soft snores coming from his lips.
a/n: hi angels!!! im so so sorry for how long the break was. i really didn't anticipate being gone for that long, but honestly i really dont regret it. i feel so much more motivated now and my love for these two has restored, so to me it was worth it!! everyone wants me to produce the best version of these two, and i could only be able to give that if i took the time off. so yes, anyways, i hope you enjoyed, and i can't wait to be active again!!
summary: life has changed since the battle of starcourt - you and steve in particular.
series masterlist:
authors note: hey...how ya'll doin....
eight months later
★
dear jonathan,
sorry for the late response, its been a little hectic over here the past couple of weeks. keith has been on a power trip ever since steve accidentally rented someone the wrong star trek. he totally forgot the voyage home just came out and gave the customer the search for spock!! total dingus.
i hope everything is good over there in sunny california. it sounds like you guys are really starting to settle!
lucky (or maybe unlucky) for you, nothing seems to change here in hawkins. its the same as you left it.
its starting to get warmer, but not nearly as warm as i bet it is over there. its so weird that this year is almost over - it feels like it just started.
its a bummer you haven't heard from any schools yet, but i'm sure it wont be long! i was talking to nancy the other day and she said the same thing. its so exciting you guys applied to the same schools - if anyone is going to make it in the long run, its you two.
i haven't heard back either. i'm not really sure how to feel about going to school in the fall. i've really adjusted to the life of a working woman!
i sometimes still drive dustin to school. he's stopped asking often, though, now that i mention it. he probably thinks he's too old now for a babysitter. he says he misses you guys and asks to say hi to will and el for him.
the rest of the kids are doing okay. i'm not sure how much will and el have told you, or how much the kids have told them, but i think they are still adjusting to high school.
lucas is honestly really thriving. he joined the basketball team, and even though he's totally riding the bench, i'm so proud of the little guy! well, he's not really little anymore, but whatever. steve spent all of august and september practicing with him, getting him ready for try outs. don't tell steve i told you this, but i think he got really invested. listens on the radio every friday night he can't get out of work to hear how the game goes and if lucas got to play. spoiler - he usually doesn't.
dustin and mike joined the hellfire club, which as i'm sure you can remember is run by that one super-senior eddie munson. it's a dnd club (so i'm not really sure where "hellfire" came from, but whatever), so i'm not really surprised. lucas joined as well, but i dont think he's as into it as he used to be. anyways, they seem to be doing pretty good, for the most part.
max is a different story.
i think she's really struggling after everything that happened last year. i'm sure you know, but after what happened with billy, his dad packed up and moved back to california, leaving max and her mom by themselves. they had to move into the forest hills trailer park.
sometimes max shows up at my house in the middle of the night. she says nothing, just asks if she can sleep in the spare room. my dad has been going on more work trips since he's close to retiring, and my mom has been going with him, so i'm usually alone anyways. i never mind the extra company.
maybe she just needs to be around someone who understands what its like to loose a brother.
to be honest, i'm really worried about her. but theres only so much you can help someone with if they don't want to help themselves.
anyways, the rest of us are okay as well. robin is killing her senior year - new crush of season goes to vicki, this girl in band with her. robins convinced shes straight, but steve and i think otherwise.
robs comes by family video every afternoon and helps me and steve out, ranting about all her interactions with vicki that day, whether its a short conversation, a greeting in the hall, or simply just looking at the back of her head in class. honestly adorable!
and steve is doing good as well.
anyways, how are all of you over there? you barely said anything in your last letter! is will adjusting alright? is el making friends? how is joyces job? and besides submitting your applications, how are you doing?
i miss you guys. its not the same without you.
nancy told me shes not coming to lenora for spring break anymore. she said she had too much work. are you guys okay? i know distance can be hard sometimes.
anyways, i'm expecting a lot longer of a letter next time, jonathan byers. i know you've got in you.
-your friend from home that misses you.
★
you woke up today like almost every other day for the past eight months- tangled in your best friends arms.
you mailed off the letter to jonathan yesterday, and you were already eager for a reply. clinging to any sense of normalcy had become your MO.
steves arms were steady around you, his skin warming you in all the right ways. if you leaned back enough you could feel the scrunch in is features against your back that signaled his close-to-conscious state.
a deep sigh left your lips, your eyes still shut as you turned around, nudging into the crevice between his shoulder and neck, lashes kissing his skin. you felt his lips part against your shoulder, his breath fanning against your skin, sending light shivers through your veins.
yours legs were entwined between his, arms secured around each others bodies. you felt steve squeeze you tighter, and you shifted to be pressed impossibly closer.
"mornin'," he rasped sleepily into you. you hummed, hands coming up to scratch up and down his bare back.
"hi," you murmured back, lips pressing against him as you spoke. he let out a quiet groan and squeezed you tighter, your chest pulsing at the contact.
after a few seconds he let you go, pushing himself up to sit on the mattress. you rolled onto your back, eyes fluttering open as you subconsciously bit your lip, watching as he ran his hand through his rustled hair, back muscles rippling as he did so.
god.
he slips out of bed, walking over to your ensuit, flipping on the light as he does so. he closes the door and a few moments later you hear the sound of the shower running. you selfishly wish he had left the door open.
this had been your morning routine almost every morning for eight months.
ever since the fall, the silence in your house from your parents often absence became overwhelming. you had stuck it out for a few weeks, but when your dreams were plagued by memories of giant inter-dimensional monsters and evil russians torturing your best friend as you feared for your life, there was only so much you take on your own.
and steve had the special ability of chasing nightmares away - you assumed you did the same for him.
it started one night in october. you had hosted a scary movie night with robin and steve, and your parents were in new york for the week. robin had left as soon as the movie finished, needing to study for a calculus test the next day. steve had stayed behind to help clean up.
he was about to leave, and you remember grabbing his wrist. he had looked back, watched as you clearly struggled for words.
"steve..." you had uttered, lips parting as you attempted to explain yourself. explain how much you needed him to say with you. how much it scared you how much you needed him. how there was still so much left unsaid between the two of you that it sometimes physically hurt to look at him, even all these months late. after what happened in the bathroom at starcourt, what happened at the hill before you drove back to the mall.
your eyes must've explained it. must've mirrored something he experienced as well. because he simply nodded, dropped his car keys in the tray by your door, and stepped out of his shoes, wrapping his fingers around yours and lead you up to bed.
steve was good like that. he didn't push.
it wasn't like sleepover were foreign to the two of you. its just that a lot had changed since the start of the summer, and you weren't sure what boundaries were in place now, which ones should be.
since then, he had very rarely slept anywhere else. sometimes the two of you switched over to his house, but yours always felt safer, for some reason. maybe it reminded him of better times during childhood, something his own house lacked.
his drawer from the years before had expanded. his toothbrush now sat next to yours in the cup next to the sink, his body wash in your shower, his belongings scattered across your room.
you tried not to think about how domestic it all was.
you hadn't kissed or anything since july. though all of this, arguably, was probably much. much worse than kissing.
you soon rise as well, padding down the stairs and brewing two coffees - one black, one with three sugars. when steve comes down, hair wet and only sporting boxers, your eyes intentionally remained locked on his as you pass him the former mug, looking away as you jog up the stairs to hop in the shower yourself.
when you come down, dressed in jeans and a short-sleeved top, steve is sitting at your kitchen counter, coffee nearly finished and now dressed himself. he glances over at you as you sit in the stool next to him, peering over his shoulder to look at the newspaper.
he nudged your shoulder, lips tilting up, brows pinching. "going for a new scent?"
you frown in confusion, turning your head and sniffing your upper arm. your cheeks go scarlet when you realized you had used his body wash instead of yours.
he chuckles, foot nudging yours as he turned his eyes back to the paper. shaking off your fluster, you clear your throat, walking over to the entryway, grabbing your bag. "ready?"
soon you and steve are sat in his car, windows down as your favorite mixtape plays through the speakers. the new crowded house record filtered through, and you twirled a piece of hair and hummed along to the lyrics of dont dream its over.
when you reached robins house, steve pulls to a stop, and the langley-limbed girl threw herself in, placing herself in the middle seat.
"thanks for the ride, lovebirds," she grins, the nickname resulting in an exasperated shake of the head from steve and a roll of the eyes from you.
robins dad usually drove her to school on the way to work, but he was away this week. luckily, she had two best friends who needed to drive to work as well, and often picked up the slack of her fathers absence.
"sure, robs," you mutter, lips tilting up.
you twist over your shoulder to look at her as steve backs out of the buckley driveway. you scrunch your nose. "okay, so, goal with vicki today?"
ever since robin had come out to you and steve at the end of summer, your friendship had strengthened. talking relationships and crushes with robin was vastly different than it was with carol back in the day, and you weren't as knowledgeable about lesbian dating as robin probably wished, but you tried your best.
this was the one area where steve probably gave better advice than you.
she sighs, opening up her palm. you reach into your purse, grabbing out your makeup bag, holding it out to her. she shuffles through the contents as she replies. "well, theres the pep rally, and the game tonight," she pulls out your contact mirror and a tube of mascara, widening her eyes and she brushed the black over her lashes. "maybe i could strike up some convo there?"
you hum, turning back around to face the front. "totally. thats perfect."
steve scoffs. "no no, you don't want to be trying too hard."
you narrow your eyes at him. "how is striking up conversations trying too hard?"
he sighs. "come on, its robin. her version of striking up conversation is very different than most peoples," he glances back at her. "no offense, robs."
she shrugs, moving on to her other eye. "none taken. what do you suggest then?"
he shrugs. "i dunno, just, like, be yourself."
you snicker. never mind, horrible advice.
robin seems to agree. "okay, first of all, you're literally quoting me to me. second, easy for you to say," she groans when the tube hits her eyelid, a finger coming up to smudge the black off. "you ask out a girl and she says no, big deal. maybe your ego is a little bruised, but if i ask out the wrong girl - bam. i'm a town pariah."
she sighs. "and besides, you get like, a million dates a month. clearly being yourself comes more natural to you," you watch as her brows dip, silently working out the logic in her own statement.
your tongue pokes into the side of your cheek, your head turning to the side.
yeah. steve was dating. a lot. and none of the people he was dating was you.
you supposed you couldn't be upset about it, not really. you were the one who had practically begged him to not speak of it, who shut down the conversation when he had brought it up in the bathroom at starcourt. it was your fault. you couldn't be jealous, couldn't feel even an ounce of envy.
but nothing in life was ever that simple, was it?
every single time you heard him warily utter a new girls name, you recalled the way your lips tingled for hours after they made contact with his.
the only nights he didn't spend with you were when he had dates. sometimes he was out all night and you wouldn't see him until work the next morning. you wouldn't ask, wouldn't wonder whether he had simply gone back to his house alone or...it didn't matter.
sometimes he came home - to your home - late, crawling into bed, wrapping his arms around you from behind. you were always awake, but you feigned sleep. you often wondered if he knew.
you didn't feel a aching throb in your chest. didn't feel your stomach twisting in thick knots. you didn't. in fact, you didn't even think about the dates. i swear.
you didn't ask questions. you didn't let yourself breath in case he smelled like someone else. you just laid there, not letting your mind wander.
you could almost feel the air shift in the car. steves voice sounded fragile as he spoke, clearing his throat. "thats not true, rob."
she raised her brows. "oh yeah? whos the girl of the week then?"
you felt eyes on the side of your head. you didn't look to see which one of them it belonged to. he clears his throat again. "heide. thursday night."
robin hums mockingly. "heide. and tell me, is heide clearly, obviously, 100% straight and 100% into you?"
steve moves in his seat uncomfortably, his body stiff. "um, i mean, 100% is intense, but..."
robin smacks the wand back in the tube, twisting it and throwing it back in the bag. "case in point!" she places the mirror back inside, zipping it close, hitting your shoulder to hand it back to you. you startle, clearing your own throat as you take it out of her hands, rubbing your lips together as you toss it back in your purse.
you let out a breath. "robin, im sure vicki isn't the 'wrong girl'."
"and how, exactly may i ask, do you know that?"
"she returned fast times paused at 53 minutes, 5 seconds," steve interjects, recovered from the dip in conversation. "do you know who pauses fast times at 53 minutes and 5 seconds? people who like boobies, robin!"
you and robin both scrunch your noses in disgust.
"ew, gross, don't say boobies!" she exclaims in disgust.
"its not a big deal, okay? everyone in this car minus her over there likes boobies. princess, back me up here," he looks pointedly over at you.
you narrow your eyes at him, before turning back to robin. "ignoring how gross the way he said it was... i mean, he's not wrong," you shrug sheepishly. "why else pause it there?"
robin groan. "whatever."
steve pulled into the school, and robin sat up straight, spotting a friend. "hey, wait up!" she calls out, grabbing her bag with a beaming smile, leaning forward to place a kiss on both of your cheeks, before hopping out and joining the crowd.
steve lets out a deep breath, driving away. its quiet for a moment, the silence thick.
you suck your teeth. "so, thursday night?"
his head jerks in your directions before refocussing. "uhh, yeah, yeah. thursday night."
you nod, foot tapping against the floor, eyes trained ahead. "am i expecting you back, or...?"
oh my god, shut up! you internally chided. steve and dating was a topic that was completely forbidden between the two of you. not that you had ever verbally agreed to it, but it was supposed to be clear.
he squirms. "um...not really sure yet," he huffs out, eyes flicking over to you. "is that...alright?"
you turn to him instantly, eyes wide. "of course!" you practically exclaim. you wince slightly, turning to face ahead again. "of-of course. whatever you, uh, need, er," you cringe, letting out a small, antsy laugh. "you know what i mean."
god, kill me now.
he lets out a breathy, slightly awkward laugh. "um, sure. yeah."
the rest of the drive was silent.
★
where did steve meet this heide, anyways?
what did she look like? did she look similar to you, or did she look nothing alike? you had never seen the girls he dated. this wasn't like high school where you knew all of them.
did she make him bend over, clutching his stomach as he laughed? did she know what each twist of his face meant, each glimmer in his eyes? no, definitely not.
remember how i said you didn't think about his dates? i lied.
in fact, it was all you could think about, some days.
he would either tell you awkwardly the night before at dinner, faux-casually in the morning in the car, or would wait until robin brought it up. he was lucky that he didn't have to break the news this time around.
every day that steve had plans the night of, you were distracted. sloppy. you put the films in the wrong section, half-hearted and borderline rude to customers, stared off into the distance as you tried to picture what each girl looked like.
linda had dark, brown hair, and beady brown eyes with thick eyelashes. she was bone skinny, and enjoyed reading, but in a cool way.
samantha was blond and curvy in all the right places. she fluttered her eyes up at him from across the table and said the word "like" after every sentence.
you of course, didn't actually know any of this stuff, but your assumptions had become bible.
as you sat behind the register as steve unloaded packages from the staff room, you gazed out the window, conjuring up the new girl. heide.
heide is medium height. 5'5, maybe 5'6? yes, 5'6. she has blue eyes and brown hair, that sits just below her shoulders. she had round cheeks and full lips. she's going to wear a sophisticated blouse and dark-wash jeans. steves going to be impressed she didn't wear something too revealing. hes going to appreciate it. respect it.
they met somewhere cute, like the grocery store. she was looking for oat - no, almond milk, and steve showed up, leaning against the freezer, throwing her his signature charming smile, making a joke so bad and stupid that she laughed anyways. he asked for her digits. she gave them. he called her that same night and asked her out.
"thursday at eight," he would've asked - no, directed. "my treat."
what would they talk about? what could they possibly talk about? no girl could ever understand what you guys had been through the past few years. what was there to discuss - the weather?
you knew how pathetic it looked, how it sounded - but you could hardly care. not when it was your steve. not when it was your fault.
robin had been trying to convince you to go on dates yourself for months.
"come on, it gets to a point," she had pointedly said one night in your kitchen, the two of you sporting glasses of wine. steve was out with tracy that night. he took her to the diner - your diner.
you had sighed, taking a long sip. "i couldn't do it. it would feel...disingenuous."
she groaned. "who cares? just like he's allowed to go on dates, so are you," she frowned. "either you pluck up the courage to take back what happened in the bathroom - or even admit that you want to take back what happened in the bathroom, baby steps - or you move on," she shrugs. "take your pick."
you bit your lip, robin reading the look in your eyes. she let out a breath, reaching across the counter to grab a post it and a pen from her bag, scribbling. you narrowed your eyes, leaning forward to read what se was writing.
"this, is a friend of a friend," she stated, the pen cap between her lips. "he is apparently very hot, very cool, and very single," she finished, handing you the sticky note. it held a phone number, followed by the name james.
her lips tilted. "take back the bathroom, or take hottie james out. choose," she wiggled her brows.
both options sucked. you chose neither.
a part of you selfishly wondered if he was doing it for certain motives - to make you jealous, to try to get over you. a bitter part of you hoped for that. the other bitter part of you conspired that he had just...moved on. that it was just a fluke, a glitch in the system.
but how could that be true? how could that possibly be real, when he spent every night in your arms, looking at you the way he did, smiling at you the way he did, kissing you the way he had back in july.
you could hardly think, brain turning to mush at the feeling of his lips working against yours. he was limp for the first second, but he quickly responded, one hand coming to cup the back of your head to pull you closer, his other to your lower back.
you weren't sure how to explain what you were feeling in this moment. it was like everything just made sense. it just felt right. just like how your body had always molded perfect with his, your lips did as well.
a pit of dread laid in your stomach because of this - because of how right it was. had this always been inevitable? was this always going to happen at some point?
it was almost like he had imagined how you would kiss him so often that he was able to guess right. he kissed you like he had done it a million times before. there was no hesitance, no trace of question or timidness.
it wasn't like walking into a new house - unfamiliar and unknown. no - it was like coming home.
but if that was so - if he was still feeling...whatever, towards you - why hadn't he done anything? what hadn't he fought for you?
the questions towering in your head toppled when you heard the staff door open, steve stepping out, holding a stack of tapes. "hey, think y'can help me put these away?"
you nod, shaking off your thoughts, stepping towards him, grabbing about half from the top. "sci-fi section," he informed as he led the way.
the two of you spent the next thirty minutes putting away the tapes, the ice thawing as you slowly overcame the tension from the morning, speaking mindlessly and chatting about the films.
you did what you did best - pretending it didn't happen. that none of it happened.
★
you had been planing on going to the basketball game at the high school that night, but it had slipped your mind that steve was bringing brenda - someone you actually did know from high school.
total bimbo. steve really knew how to pick 'em.
you had played off a headache. steve hesitated before leaving, asking if you needed him to stay home. you waved him off, saying you were fine.
you were not fine. at all.
so as steve and robin flirted it up with their people of interest at the game, you sat on your couch, watching the cable as you fisted popcorn into your mouth.
you promptly ignored the misery creeping in, the absolute despair at the thought of steve with another girl. back in high school you would feel discomfort at the concept, but now, burning hot envy poisoned your stomach.
once your bowl of popcorn was done, you stood up with a heavy sigh, padding over to the kitchen. you placed the dish in the sink, opening up a drawer to grab a piece of gum, itching to do something with your mouth. you open the top one, and you squint when you spot a folded up post-it in the corner.
you take it out, unfolding it, to see the number of the guys robin had reccomened - james. you swallowed, chewing on your lip.
you were desperate for a distraction. determined to not think about steve with brenda, or heide, or even with you.
you didn't think twice. you walked over to the phone and dialed the number.
★
james arrived thirty minutes later. you were grateful for his haste.
you got into his car, and he gave you a simple nod in greeting. you didn't ask him to take you out - you asked if he was free to hang out. it was clear what this was for.
after a while of driving through the dark, casual conversation being made, he parked in an empty lot. he pulled out a pack, waving it in his hands. "y'mind?"
you shook your head, holding out your hand. he raised his brows as he handed it to you. you pulled out a stick, placing it between yours lips as he just had. he brings a lighter to the end of his, before returning the favor.
its quiet as you both smoke, his hand inching for your thigh. you don't flinch. your mind stays blank.
it's not long before your cigarettes are discarded out the window, and you're sat on his laps, lips ravenously attacking his. in this moment, you think you really like james - because he didn't ask why you called, didn't try to slow it down or get to know you better. that wasn't what you wanted.
james was a good kisser - but he had nothing on steve.
the thought made your eyes water, but you squeezed your eyes tighter, pressing yourself closer to him. he wasn't warm like steve. it didn't feel right.
if the kiss with steve felt like returning home, this was akin to checking into a hotel
when the tears escaped and slipped past your eyes, james pulled away. he took a long look at your face. he nodded quietly. "alright?" he asked.
you nod, sniffling. "i'm sorry," you laugh in a small, pathetic way. "i don't know whats wrong with me." lie, you knew everything that was wrong with you. it was a five letter word starting with a "s" and ending with "t-e-v-e".
he shook his head. "s'alright. no big deal." you thought it was really nice that james wasn't being a dick. if you were him you would be at least a little annoyed.
soon he was driving you back home. this time, he walked you to the door.
you lingered for a second, looking up at him, a nervous glint in your eyes. he considered you.
he leaned forward, placing a soft but firm kiss against your lips. you weren't sure what you had expected him to say, but you felt relieved when all that left his lips was, "take care of yourself."
you swallowed, then nodded. "yeah, you too," you replied quietly. you stood and watched as he walked back to his car, driving away.
you couldn't shower off the shame, the pain that lingered. how steve could do it so easily was beyond you - how he could just be with someone else, kiss someone else.
you felt a special kind of loathing you had only reserved for yourself. not only had you wasted the poor guys night, but you had wasted your own. all of it was your fault. you couldn't forgive it, couldn't forgive that this was all your fault.
because you could be jealous, and angry, and upset with steve all you wanted, but at the end of the day, this was your doing. and that was so, so much worse.
you got ready for bed, laying down in the dark of your room. you weren't sure how much time had passed before you heard steves car pull into the driveway, his footsteps coming up the stairs.
he quietly opened the door, and you heard the dropping of his clothes, the drawers opening as he searched for new ones. a shiver ran down your spine as your mind conjured up images of what he looked like in this moment.
he climbed in behind you. "hey, y'awake?" you waited a second before nodding.
his arms wrapped around your stomach, and he let out a deep breath as he relaxed into you - like he had been holding it all night, like he could finally breath now. "hows your head?"
you subconsciously settle back into him. oh right, you had a headache. "a bit better," you reply hoarsely.
you felt a prickle of guilt again, before a flash of red hot anger. he did this almost every week - crawling back to you after spending the night with another girl. in fact, he was doing that right now. you were allowed to do it once, too. you were allowed.
he hummed, his fingers snaking around your waist. you almost trembled. "good," he murmured, before squeezing your skin. "hey, get this, sinclaire got off the bench."
a gasp escaped your lips, and you couldn't help but twist in his arms. "really?"
he gave you a tired grin. "mhm, and, guess what?"
"what?"
"he shot the winning point."
an elated laugh left your lips. "seriously? oh my god, i can't believe i missed it!"
"i know. kid looked overjoyed. he's spending the night partying with the team," he informed.
you scrunch your nose, yet your smile didn't falter. "wow, he's like a mini version of you."
"oh, come on, he's much better," he teased, causing you to snicker.
"look at you, being humble," you teased back. you didn't even register how your hands had landed around his shoulders, fingers threading at the hairs on the nape of his neck. didn't process how easy the domestic act had come to you, how normal all of this felt - even when you're mad at him. even when you're mad at yourself.
"yeah, well, you know me, princess," he voiced back throatily, eyes dancing with amusement. "always rooting for the youth."
you bite back your smile, shaking your head. its when your noses graze that you begin to understand how close you are to him, remember everything that passed tonight.
your lips part, features going soft yet strained. "steve..."
he shifts, his own smile faltering. "yeah?"
you almost ask. you almost ask how tonight was, how brenda was. whether they had an actual, substantial conversation, whether she made him laugh, or vice versa. whether he dropped her off with a kiss, or if he was going to go out with her again.
you almost admitted what you had recklessly done tonight - how you had met with a stranger and kissed him in his car. how you had started crying because it was a good kiss, but paled in comparison to steves lips on yours. how everything seemed to pale in comparison.
you almost confessed how much you despise that he's dating. that he even knows what other girls tastes like. that picturing him at a restaurant, sat in front of a girl that isn't you, almost makes your chest crack.
you almost ask him to stop, because you selfishly and undoubtably knew that he would do whatever you asked, even if it killed him. you only felt more guilt and self-loathing at these thoughts, but they were real. they were the rawest form of you - steve had the special talent of bringing it out of you without even trying.
he must've seen it - maybe not all of it, but seen where you were going - because his brows pinched in what looked akin to pain, and he subtly shook his head, diving between your bodies, resting in the nape of your neck. his lips softly peppered below your ear, so lightly it could be passed off as nothing. it was never nothing - at least not for you.
you actually did shiver this time. was this his way of telling you? of saying that he still felt it, that it hadn't gone away? that no matter how many girls he took out or took to bed, that it was always going to be you?
your chest aches. maybe he could do it - go out, be with other girls, come back home - but you couldn't. couldn't shake that you had been with someone else tonight, had someone elses lips on yours just an hour ago.
you let out a shaky breath, turning around in his arms, causing his lips to disconnect. you weren't brave enough to pull away completely.
steve got the hint, sighing softly, defeatedly, as he rested back into you, not pressing his lips anywhere else. you didn't let yourself linger on how good his lips felt against you, didn't let yourself regret - you couldn't take regretting anything else.
you couldn't stop feeling the guilt. it was suffocating everything in you.
you felt his breaths even out eventually, soft snores coming from his lips.
a/n: hi angels!!! im so so sorry for how long the break was. i really didn't anticipate being gone for that long, but honestly i really dont regret it. i feel so much more motivated now and my love for these two has restored, so to me it was worth it!! everyone wants me to produce the best version of these two, and i could only be able to give that if i took the time off. so yes, anyways, i hope you enjoyed, and i can't wait to be active again!!
summary: life has changed since the battle of starcourt - you and steve in particular.
series masterlist:
authors note: hey...how ya'll doin....
eight months later
★
dear jonathan,
sorry for the late response, its been a little hectic over here the past couple of weeks. keith has been on a power trip ever since steve accidentally rented someone the wrong star trek. he totally forgot the voyage home just came out and gave the customer the search for spock!! total dingus.
i hope everything is good over there in sunny california. it sounds like you guys are really starting to settle!
lucky (or maybe unlucky) for you, nothing seems to change here in hawkins. its the same as you left it.
its starting to get warmer, but not nearly as warm as i bet it is over there. its so weird that this year is almost over - it feels like it just started.
its a bummer you haven't heard from any schools yet, but i'm sure it wont be long! i was talking to nancy the other day and she said the same thing. its so exciting you guys applied to the same schools - if anyone is going to make it in the long run, its you two.
i haven't heard back either. i'm not really sure how to feel about going to school in the fall. i've really adjusted to the life of a working woman!
i sometimes still drive dustin to school. he's stopped asking often, though, now that i mention it. he probably thinks he's too old now for a babysitter. he says he misses you guys and asks to say hi to will and el for him.
the rest of the kids are doing okay. i'm not sure how much will and el have told you, or how much the kids have told them, but i think they are still adjusting to high school.
lucas is honestly really thriving. he joined the basketball team, and even though he's totally riding the bench, i'm so proud of the little guy! well, he's not really little anymore, but whatever. steve spent all of august and september practicing with him, getting him ready for try outs. don't tell steve i told you this, but i think he got really invested. listens on the radio every friday night he can't get out of work to hear how the game goes and if lucas got to play. spoiler - he usually doesn't.
dustin and mike joined the hellfire club, which as i'm sure you can remember is run by that one super-senior eddie munson. it's a dnd club (so i'm not really sure where "hellfire" came from, but whatever), so i'm not really surprised. lucas joined as well, but i dont think he's as into it as he used to be. anyways, they seem to be doing pretty good, for the most part.
max is a different story.
i think she's really struggling after everything that happened last year. i'm sure you know, but after what happened with billy, his dad packed up and moved back to california, leaving max and her mom by themselves. they had to move into the forest hills trailer park.
sometimes max shows up at my house in the middle of the night. she says nothing, just asks if she can sleep in the spare room. my dad has been going on more work trips since he's close to retiring, and my mom has been going with him, so i'm usually alone anyways. i never mind the extra company.
maybe she just needs to be around someone who understands what its like to loose a brother.
to be honest, i'm really worried about her. but theres only so much you can help someone with if they don't want to help themselves.
anyways, the rest of us are okay as well. robin is killing her senior year - new crush of season goes to vicki, this girl in band with her. robins convinced shes straight, but steve and i think otherwise.
robs comes by family video every afternoon and helps me and steve out, ranting about all her interactions with vicki that day, whether its a short conversation, a greeting in the hall, or simply just looking at the back of her head in class. honestly adorable!
and steve is doing good as well.
anyways, how are all of you over there? you barely said anything in your last letter! is will adjusting alright? is el making friends? how is joyces job? and besides submitting your applications, how are you doing?
i miss you guys. its not the same without you.
nancy told me shes not coming to lenora for spring break anymore. she said she had too much work. are you guys okay? i know distance can be hard sometimes.
anyways, i'm expecting a lot longer of a letter next time, jonathan byers. i know you've got in you.
-your friend from home that misses you.
★
you woke up today like almost every other day for the past eight months- tangled in your best friends arms.
you mailed off the letter to jonathan yesterday, and you were already eager for a reply. clinging to any sense of normalcy had become your MO.
steves arms were steady around you, his skin warming you in all the right ways. if you leaned back enough you could feel the scrunch in is features against your back that signaled his close-to-conscious state.
a deep sigh left your lips, your eyes still shut as you turned around, nudging into the crevice between his shoulder and neck, lashes kissing his skin. you felt his lips part against your shoulder, his breath fanning against your skin, sending light shivers through your veins.
yours legs were entwined between his, arms secured around each others bodies. you felt steve squeeze you tighter, and you shifted to be pressed impossibly closer.
"mornin'," he rasped sleepily into you. you hummed, hands coming up to scratch up and down his bare back.
"hi," you murmured back, lips pressing against him as you spoke. he let out a quiet groan and squeezed you tighter, your chest pulsing at the contact.
after a few seconds he let you go, pushing himself up to sit on the mattress. you rolled onto your back, eyes fluttering open as you subconsciously bit your lip, watching as he ran his hand through his rustled hair, back muscles rippling as he did so.
god.
he slips out of bed, walking over to your ensuit, flipping on the light as he does so. he closes the door and a few moments later you hear the sound of the shower running. you selfishly wish he had left the door open.
this had been your morning routine almost every morning for eight months.
ever since the fall, the silence in your house from your parents often absence became overwhelming. you had stuck it out for a few weeks, but when your dreams were plagued by memories of giant inter-dimensional monsters and evil russians torturing your best friend as you feared for your life, there was only so much you take on your own.
and steve had the special ability of chasing nightmares away - you assumed you did the same for him.
it started one night in october. you had hosted a scary movie night with robin and steve, and your parents were in new york for the week. robin had left as soon as the movie finished, needing to study for a calculus test the next day. steve had stayed behind to help clean up.
he was about to leave, and you remember grabbing his wrist. he had looked back, watched as you clearly struggled for words.
"steve..." you had uttered, lips parting as you attempted to explain yourself. explain how much you needed him to say with you. how much it scared you how much you needed him. how there was still so much left unsaid between the two of you that it sometimes physically hurt to look at him, even all these months late. after what happened in the bathroom at starcourt, what happened at the hill before you drove back to the mall.
your eyes must've explained it. must've mirrored something he experienced as well. because he simply nodded, dropped his car keys in the tray by your door, and stepped out of his shoes, wrapping his fingers around yours and lead you up to bed.
steve was good like that. he didn't push.
it wasn't like sleepover were foreign to the two of you. its just that a lot had changed since the start of the summer, and you weren't sure what boundaries were in place now, which ones should be.
since then, he had very rarely slept anywhere else. sometimes the two of you switched over to his house, but yours always felt safer, for some reason. maybe it reminded him of better times during childhood, something his own house lacked.
his drawer from the years before had expanded. his toothbrush now sat next to yours in the cup next to the sink, his body wash in your shower, his belongings scattered across your room.
you tried not to think about how domestic it all was.
you hadn't kissed or anything since july. though all of this, arguably, was probably much. much worse than kissing.
you soon rise as well, padding down the stairs and brewing two coffees - one black, one with three sugars. when steve comes down, hair wet and only sporting boxers, your eyes intentionally remained locked on his as you pass him the former mug, looking away as you jog up the stairs to hop in the shower yourself.
when you come down, dressed in jeans and a short-sleeved top, steve is sitting at your kitchen counter, coffee nearly finished and now dressed himself. he glances over at you as you sit in the stool next to him, peering over his shoulder to look at the newspaper.
he nudged your shoulder, lips tilting up, brows pinching. "going for a new scent?"
you frown in confusion, turning your head and sniffing your upper arm. your cheeks go scarlet when you realized you had used his body wash instead of yours.
he chuckles, foot nudging yours as he turned his eyes back to the paper. shaking off your fluster, you clear your throat, walking over to the entryway, grabbing your bag. "ready?"
soon you and steve are sat in his car, windows down as your favorite mixtape plays through the speakers. the new crowded house record filtered through, and you twirled a piece of hair and hummed along to the lyrics of dont dream its over.
when you reached robins house, steve pulls to a stop, and the langley-limbed girl threw herself in, placing herself in the middle seat.
"thanks for the ride, lovebirds," she grins, the nickname resulting in an exasperated shake of the head from steve and a roll of the eyes from you.
robins dad usually drove her to school on the way to work, but he was away this week. luckily, she had two best friends who needed to drive to work as well, and often picked up the slack of her fathers absence.
"sure, robs," you mutter, lips tilting up.
you twist over your shoulder to look at her as steve backs out of the buckley driveway. you scrunch your nose. "okay, so, goal with vicki today?"
ever since robin had come out to you and steve at the end of summer, your friendship had strengthened. talking relationships and crushes with robin was vastly different than it was with carol back in the day, and you weren't as knowledgeable about lesbian dating as robin probably wished, but you tried your best.
this was the one area where steve probably gave better advice than you.
she sighs, opening up her palm. you reach into your purse, grabbing out your makeup bag, holding it out to her. she shuffles through the contents as she replies. "well, theres the pep rally, and the game tonight," she pulls out your contact mirror and a tube of mascara, widening her eyes and she brushed the black over her lashes. "maybe i could strike up some convo there?"
you hum, turning back around to face the front. "totally. thats perfect."
steve scoffs. "no no, you don't want to be trying too hard."
you narrow your eyes at him. "how is striking up conversations trying too hard?"
he sighs. "come on, its robin. her version of striking up conversation is very different than most peoples," he glances back at her. "no offense, robs."
she shrugs, moving on to her other eye. "none taken. what do you suggest then?"
he shrugs. "i dunno, just, like, be yourself."
you snicker. never mind, horrible advice.
robin seems to agree. "okay, first of all, you're literally quoting me to me. second, easy for you to say," she groans when the tube hits her eyelid, a finger coming up to smudge the black off. "you ask out a girl and she says no, big deal. maybe your ego is a little bruised, but if i ask out the wrong girl - bam. i'm a town pariah."
she sighs. "and besides, you get like, a million dates a month. clearly being yourself comes more natural to you," you watch as her brows dip, silently working out the logic in her own statement.
your tongue pokes into the side of your cheek, your head turning to the side.
yeah. steve was dating. a lot. and none of the people he was dating was you.
you supposed you couldn't be upset about it, not really. you were the one who had practically begged him to not speak of it, who shut down the conversation when he had brought it up in the bathroom at starcourt. it was your fault. you couldn't be jealous, couldn't feel even an ounce of envy.
but nothing in life was ever that simple, was it?
every single time you heard him warily utter a new girls name, you recalled the way your lips tingled for hours after they made contact with his.
the only nights he didn't spend with you were when he had dates. sometimes he was out all night and you wouldn't see him until work the next morning. you wouldn't ask, wouldn't wonder whether he had simply gone back to his house alone or...it didn't matter.
sometimes he came home - to your home - late, crawling into bed, wrapping his arms around you from behind. you were always awake, but you feigned sleep. you often wondered if he knew.
you didn't feel a aching throb in your chest. didn't feel your stomach twisting in thick knots. you didn't. in fact, you didn't even think about the dates. i swear.
you didn't ask questions. you didn't let yourself breath in case he smelled like someone else. you just laid there, not letting your mind wander.
you could almost feel the air shift in the car. steves voice sounded fragile as he spoke, clearing his throat. "thats not true, rob."
she raised her brows. "oh yeah? whos the girl of the week then?"
you felt eyes on the side of your head. you didn't look to see which one of them it belonged to. he clears his throat again. "heide. thursday night."
robin hums mockingly. "heide. and tell me, is heide clearly, obviously, 100% straight and 100% into you?"
steve moves in his seat uncomfortably, his body stiff. "um, i mean, 100% is intense, but..."
robin smacks the wand back in the tube, twisting it and throwing it back in the bag. "case in point!" she places the mirror back inside, zipping it close, hitting your shoulder to hand it back to you. you startle, clearing your own throat as you take it out of her hands, rubbing your lips together as you toss it back in your purse.
you let out a breath. "robin, im sure vicki isn't the 'wrong girl'."
"and how, exactly may i ask, do you know that?"
"she returned fast times paused at 53 minutes, 5 seconds," steve interjects, recovered from the dip in conversation. "do you know who pauses fast times at 53 minutes and 5 seconds? people who like boobies, robin!"
you and robin both scrunch your noses in disgust.
"ew, gross, don't say boobies!" she exclaims in disgust.
"its not a big deal, okay? everyone in this car minus her over there likes boobies. princess, back me up here," he looks pointedly over at you.
you narrow your eyes at him, before turning back to robin. "ignoring how gross the way he said it was... i mean, he's not wrong," you shrug sheepishly. "why else pause it there?"
robin groan. "whatever."
steve pulled into the school, and robin sat up straight, spotting a friend. "hey, wait up!" she calls out, grabbing her bag with a beaming smile, leaning forward to place a kiss on both of your cheeks, before hopping out and joining the crowd.
steve lets out a deep breath, driving away. its quiet for a moment, the silence thick.
you suck your teeth. "so, thursday night?"
his head jerks in your directions before refocussing. "uhh, yeah, yeah. thursday night."
you nod, foot tapping against the floor, eyes trained ahead. "am i expecting you back, or...?"
oh my god, shut up! you internally chided. steve and dating was a topic that was completely forbidden between the two of you. not that you had ever verbally agreed to it, but it was supposed to be clear.
he squirms. "um...not really sure yet," he huffs out, eyes flicking over to you. "is that...alright?"
you turn to him instantly, eyes wide. "of course!" you practically exclaim. you wince slightly, turning to face ahead again. "of-of course. whatever you, uh, need, er," you cringe, letting out a small, antsy laugh. "you know what i mean."
god, kill me now.
he lets out a breathy, slightly awkward laugh. "um, sure. yeah."
the rest of the drive was silent.
★
where did steve meet this heide, anyways?
what did she look like? did she look similar to you, or did she look nothing alike? you had never seen the girls he dated. this wasn't like high school where you knew all of them.
did she make him bend over, clutching his stomach as he laughed? did she know what each twist of his face meant, each glimmer in his eyes? no, definitely not.
remember how i said you didn't think about his dates? i lied.
in fact, it was all you could think about, some days.
he would either tell you awkwardly the night before at dinner, faux-casually in the morning in the car, or would wait until robin brought it up. he was lucky that he didn't have to break the news this time around.
every day that steve had plans the night of, you were distracted. sloppy. you put the films in the wrong section, half-hearted and borderline rude to customers, stared off into the distance as you tried to picture what each girl looked like.
linda had dark, brown hair, and beady brown eyes with thick eyelashes. she was bone skinny, and enjoyed reading, but in a cool way.
samantha was blond and curvy in all the right places. she fluttered her eyes up at him from across the table and said the word "like" after every sentence.
you of course, didn't actually know any of this stuff, but your assumptions had become bible.
as you sat behind the register as steve unloaded packages from the staff room, you gazed out the window, conjuring up the new girl. heide.
heide is medium height. 5'5, maybe 5'6? yes, 5'6. she has blue eyes and brown hair, that sits just below her shoulders. she had round cheeks and full lips. she's going to wear a sophisticated blouse and dark-wash jeans. steves going to be impressed she didn't wear something too revealing. hes going to appreciate it. respect it.
they met somewhere cute, like the grocery store. she was looking for oat - no, almond milk, and steve showed up, leaning against the freezer, throwing her his signature charming smile, making a joke so bad and stupid that she laughed anyways. he asked for her digits. she gave them. he called her that same night and asked her out.
"thursday at eight," he would've asked - no, directed. "my treat."
what would they talk about? what could they possibly talk about? no girl could ever understand what you guys had been through the past few years. what was there to discuss - the weather?
you knew how pathetic it looked, how it sounded - but you could hardly care. not when it was your steve. not when it was your fault.
robin had been trying to convince you to go on dates yourself for months.
"come on, it gets to a point," she had pointedly said one night in your kitchen, the two of you sporting glasses of wine. steve was out with tracy that night. he took her to the diner - your diner.
you had sighed, taking a long sip. "i couldn't do it. it would feel...disingenuous."
she groaned. "who cares? just like he's allowed to go on dates, so are you," she frowned. "either you pluck up the courage to take back what happened in the bathroom - or even admit that you want to take back what happened in the bathroom, baby steps - or you move on," she shrugs. "take your pick."
you bit your lip, robin reading the look in your eyes. she let out a breath, reaching across the counter to grab a post it and a pen from her bag, scribbling. you narrowed your eyes, leaning forward to read what se was writing.
"this, is a friend of a friend," she stated, the pen cap between her lips. "he is apparently very hot, very cool, and very single," she finished, handing you the sticky note. it held a phone number, followed by the name james.
her lips tilted. "take back the bathroom, or take hottie james out. choose," she wiggled her brows.
both options sucked. you chose neither.
a part of you selfishly wondered if he was doing it for certain motives - to make you jealous, to try to get over you. a bitter part of you hoped for that. the other bitter part of you conspired that he had just...moved on. that it was just a fluke, a glitch in the system.
but how could that be true? how could that possibly be real, when he spent every night in your arms, looking at you the way he did, smiling at you the way he did, kissing you the way he had back in july.
you could hardly think, brain turning to mush at the feeling of his lips working against yours. he was limp for the first second, but he quickly responded, one hand coming to cup the back of your head to pull you closer, his other to your lower back.
you weren't sure how to explain what you were feeling in this moment. it was like everything just made sense. it just felt right. just like how your body had always molded perfect with his, your lips did as well.
a pit of dread laid in your stomach because of this - because of how right it was. had this always been inevitable? was this always going to happen at some point?
it was almost like he had imagined how you would kiss him so often that he was able to guess right. he kissed you like he had done it a million times before. there was no hesitance, no trace of question or timidness.
it wasn't like walking into a new house - unfamiliar and unknown. no - it was like coming home.
but if that was so - if he was still feeling...whatever, towards you - why hadn't he done anything? what hadn't he fought for you?
the questions towering in your head toppled when you heard the staff door open, steve stepping out, holding a stack of tapes. "hey, think y'can help me put these away?"
you nod, shaking off your thoughts, stepping towards him, grabbing about half from the top. "sci-fi section," he informed as he led the way.
the two of you spent the next thirty minutes putting away the tapes, the ice thawing as you slowly overcame the tension from the morning, speaking mindlessly and chatting about the films.
you did what you did best - pretending it didn't happen. that none of it happened.
★
you had been planing on going to the basketball game at the high school that night, but it had slipped your mind that steve was bringing brenda - someone you actually did know from high school.
total bimbo. steve really knew how to pick 'em.
you had played off a headache. steve hesitated before leaving, asking if you needed him to stay home. you waved him off, saying you were fine.
you were not fine. at all.
so as steve and robin flirted it up with their people of interest at the game, you sat on your couch, watching the cable as you fisted popcorn into your mouth.
you promptly ignored the misery creeping in, the absolute despair at the thought of steve with another girl. back in high school you would feel discomfort at the concept, but now, burning hot envy poisoned your stomach.
once your bowl of popcorn was done, you stood up with a heavy sigh, padding over to the kitchen. you placed the dish in the sink, opening up a drawer to grab a piece of gum, itching to do something with your mouth. you open the top one, and you squint when you spot a folded up post-it in the corner.
you take it out, unfolding it, to see the number of the guys robin had reccomened - james. you swallowed, chewing on your lip.
you were desperate for a distraction. determined to not think about steve with brenda, or heide, or even with you.
you didn't think twice. you walked over to the phone and dialed the number.
★
james arrived thirty minutes later. you were grateful for his haste.
you got into his car, and he gave you a simple nod in greeting. you didn't ask him to take you out - you asked if he was free to hang out. it was clear what this was for.
after a while of driving through the dark, casual conversation being made, he parked in an empty lot. he pulled out a pack, waving it in his hands. "y'mind?"
you shook your head, holding out your hand. he raised his brows as he handed it to you. you pulled out a stick, placing it between yours lips as he just had. he brings a lighter to the end of his, before returning the favor.
its quiet as you both smoke, his hand inching for your thigh. you don't flinch. your mind stays blank.
it's not long before your cigarettes are discarded out the window, and you're sat on his laps, lips ravenously attacking his. in this moment, you think you really like james - because he didn't ask why you called, didn't try to slow it down or get to know you better. that wasn't what you wanted.
james was a good kisser - but he had nothing on steve.
the thought made your eyes water, but you squeezed your eyes tighter, pressing yourself closer to him. he wasn't warm like steve. it didn't feel right.
if the kiss with steve felt like returning home, this was akin to checking into a hotel
when the tears escaped and slipped past your eyes, james pulled away. he took a long look at your face. he nodded quietly. "alright?" he asked.
you nod, sniffling. "i'm sorry," you laugh in a small, pathetic way. "i don't know whats wrong with me." lie, you knew everything that was wrong with you. it was a five letter word starting with a "s" and ending with "t-e-v-e".
he shook his head. "s'alright. no big deal." you thought it was really nice that james wasn't being a dick. if you were him you would be at least a little annoyed.
soon he was driving you back home. this time, he walked you to the door.
you lingered for a second, looking up at him, a nervous glint in your eyes. he considered you.
he leaned forward, placing a soft but firm kiss against your lips. you weren't sure what you had expected him to say, but you felt relieved when all that left his lips was, "take care of yourself."
you swallowed, then nodded. "yeah, you too," you replied quietly. you stood and watched as he walked back to his car, driving away.
you couldn't shower off the shame, the pain that lingered. how steve could do it so easily was beyond you - how he could just be with someone else, kiss someone else.
you felt a special kind of loathing you had only reserved for yourself. not only had you wasted the poor guys night, but you had wasted your own. all of it was your fault. you couldn't forgive it, couldn't forgive that this was all your fault.
because you could be jealous, and angry, and upset with steve all you wanted, but at the end of the day, this was your doing. and that was so, so much worse.
you got ready for bed, laying down in the dark of your room. you weren't sure how much time had passed before you heard steves car pull into the driveway, his footsteps coming up the stairs.
he quietly opened the door, and you heard the dropping of his clothes, the drawers opening as he searched for new ones. a shiver ran down your spine as your mind conjured up images of what he looked like in this moment.
he climbed in behind you. "hey, y'awake?" you waited a second before nodding.
his arms wrapped around your stomach, and he let out a deep breath as he relaxed into you - like he had been holding it all night, like he could finally breath now. "hows your head?"
you subconsciously settle back into him. oh right, you had a headache. "a bit better," you reply hoarsely.
you felt a prickle of guilt again, before a flash of red hot anger. he did this almost every week - crawling back to you after spending the night with another girl. in fact, he was doing that right now. you were allowed to do it once, too. you were allowed.
he hummed, his fingers snaking around your waist. you almost trembled. "good," he murmured, before squeezing your skin. "hey, get this, sinclaire got off the bench."
a gasp escaped your lips, and you couldn't help but twist in his arms. "really?"
he gave you a tired grin. "mhm, and, guess what?"
"what?"
"he shot the winning point."
an elated laugh left your lips. "seriously? oh my god, i can't believe i missed it!"
"i know. kid looked overjoyed. he's spending the night partying with the team," he informed.
you scrunch your nose, yet your smile didn't falter. "wow, he's like a mini version of you."
"oh, come on, he's much better," he teased, causing you to snicker.
"look at you, being humble," you teased back. you didn't even register how your hands had landed around his shoulders, fingers threading at the hairs on the nape of his neck. didn't process how easy the domestic act had come to you, how normal all of this felt - even when you're mad at him. even when you're mad at yourself.
"yeah, well, you know me, princess," he voiced back throatily, eyes dancing with amusement. "always rooting for the youth."
you bite back your smile, shaking your head. its when your noses graze that you begin to understand how close you are to him, remember everything that passed tonight.
your lips part, features going soft yet strained. "steve..."
he shifts, his own smile faltering. "yeah?"
you almost ask. you almost ask how tonight was, how brenda was. whether they had an actual, substantial conversation, whether she made him laugh, or vice versa. whether he dropped her off with a kiss, or if he was going to go out with her again.
you almost admitted what you had recklessly done tonight - how you had met with a stranger and kissed him in his car. how you had started crying because it was a good kiss, but paled in comparison to steves lips on yours. how everything seemed to pale in comparison.
you almost confessed how much you despise that he's dating. that he even knows what other girls tastes like. that picturing him at a restaurant, sat in front of a girl that isn't you, almost makes your chest crack.
you almost ask him to stop, because you selfishly and undoubtably knew that he would do whatever you asked, even if it killed him. you only felt more guilt and self-loathing at these thoughts, but they were real. they were the rawest form of you - steve had the special talent of bringing it out of you without even trying.
he must've seen it - maybe not all of it, but seen where you were going - because his brows pinched in what looked akin to pain, and he subtly shook his head, diving between your bodies, resting in the nape of your neck. his lips softly peppered below your ear, so lightly it could be passed off as nothing. it was never nothing - at least not for you.
you actually did shiver this time. was this his way of telling you? of saying that he still felt it, that it hadn't gone away? that no matter how many girls he took out or took to bed, that it was always going to be you?
your chest aches. maybe he could do it - go out, be with other girls, come back home - but you couldn't. couldn't shake that you had been with someone else tonight, had someone elses lips on yours just an hour ago.
you let out a shaky breath, turning around in his arms, causing his lips to disconnect. you weren't brave enough to pull away completely.
steve got the hint, sighing softly, defeatedly, as he rested back into you, not pressing his lips anywhere else. you didn't let yourself linger on how good his lips felt against you, didn't let yourself regret - you couldn't take regretting anything else.
you couldn't stop feeling the guilt. it was suffocating everything in you.
you felt his breaths even out eventually, soft snores coming from his lips.
a/n: hi angels!!! im so so sorry for how long the break was. i really didn't anticipate being gone for that long, but honestly i really dont regret it. i feel so much more motivated now and my love for these two has restored, so to me it was worth it!! everyone wants me to produce the best version of these two, and i could only be able to give that if i took the time off. so yes, anyways, i hope you enjoyed, and i can't wait to be active again!!
★ american teenagers - a stranger things series ★ steve harrington x reader
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↻ ◁ II ▷ ↺
♪ say what you want, and say it like you mean it- ♪
★ summary: following the plotline of stranger things - steve harrington has been your best friend since you moved to the quaint town of hawkins, indiana, from the bustling city of new york in third grade, a move prompted by a familial tragedy. in your junior year of high school, you get swept up in a world full of monsters, other worlds, and strange little girls with powers. when standing in the face of death, will you do the impossible and face your feelings?
★ paring: steve harrington x bestfriend!reader
★warnings: violence, gore, angst, slow burn (like, very slow), fluff, suggestive content (MDNI - 18+), swearing, light substance use, steve is clueless for like, pretty much the whole story
summary: life has changed since the battle of starcourt - you and steve in particular.
series masterlist:
authors note: hey...how ya'll doin....
eight months later
★
dear jonathan,
sorry for the late response, its been a little hectic over here the past couple of weeks. keith has been on a power trip ever since steve accidentally rented someone the wrong star trek. he totally forgot the voyage home just came out and gave the customer the search for spock!! total dingus.
i hope everything is good over there in sunny california. it sounds like you guys are really starting to settle!
lucky (or maybe unlucky) for you, nothing seems to change here in hawkins. its the same as you left it.
its starting to get warmer, but not nearly as warm as i bet it is over there. its so weird that this year is almost over - it feels like it just started.
its a bummer you haven't heard from any schools yet, but i'm sure it wont be long! i was talking to nancy the other day and she said the same thing. its so exciting you guys applied to the same schools - if anyone is going to make it in the long run, its you two.
i haven't heard back either. i'm not really sure how to feel about going to school in the fall. i've really adjusted to the life of a working woman!
i sometimes still drive dustin to school. he's stopped asking often, though, now that i mention it. he probably thinks he's too old now for a babysitter. he says he misses you guys and asks to say hi to will and el for him.
the rest of the kids are doing okay. i'm not sure how much will and el have told you, or how much the kids have told them, but i think they are still adjusting to high school.
lucas is honestly really thriving. he joined the basketball team, and even though he's totally riding the bench, i'm so proud of the little guy! well, he's not really little anymore, but whatever. steve spent all of august and september practicing with him, getting him ready for try outs. don't tell steve i told you this, but i think he got really invested. listens on the radio every friday night he can't get out of work to hear how the game goes and if lucas got to play. spoiler - he usually doesn't.
dustin and mike joined the hellfire club, which as i'm sure you can remember is run by that one super-senior eddie munson. it's a dnd club (so i'm not really sure where "hellfire" came from, but whatever), so i'm not really surprised. lucas joined as well, but i dont think he's as into it as he used to be. anyways, they seem to be doing pretty good, for the most part.
max is a different story.
i think she's really struggling after everything that happened last year. i'm sure you know, but after what happened with billy, his dad packed up and moved back to california, leaving max and her mom by themselves. they had to move into the forest hills trailer park.
sometimes max shows up at my house in the middle of the night. she says nothing, just asks if she can sleep in the spare room. my dad has been going on more work trips since he's close to retiring, and my mom has been going with him, so i'm usually alone anyways. i never mind the extra company.
maybe she just needs to be around someone who understands what its like to loose a brother.
to be honest, i'm really worried about her. but theres only so much you can help someone with if they don't want to help themselves.
anyways, the rest of us are okay as well. robin is killing her senior year - new crush of season goes to vicki, this girl in band with her. robins convinced shes straight, but steve and i think otherwise.
robs comes by family video every afternoon and helps me and steve out, ranting about all her interactions with vicki that day, whether its a short conversation, a greeting in the hall, or simply just looking at the back of her head in class. honestly adorable!
and steve is doing good as well.
anyways, how are all of you over there? you barely said anything in your last letter! is will adjusting alright? is el making friends? how is joyces job? and besides submitting your applications, how are you doing?
i miss you guys. its not the same without you.
nancy told me shes not coming to lenora for spring break anymore. she said she had too much work. are you guys okay? i know distance can be hard sometimes.
anyways, i'm expecting a lot longer of a letter next time, jonathan byers. i know you've got in you.
-your friend from home that misses you.
★
you woke up today like almost every other day for the past eight months- tangled in your best friends arms.
you mailed off the letter to jonathan yesterday, and you were already eager for a reply. clinging to any sense of normalcy had become your MO.
steves arms were steady around you, his skin warming you in all the right ways. if you leaned back enough you could feel the scrunch in is features against your back that signaled his close-to-conscious state.
a deep sigh left your lips, your eyes still shut as you turned around, nudging into the crevice between his shoulder and neck, lashes kissing his skin. you felt his lips part against your shoulder, his breath fanning against your skin, sending light shivers through your veins.
yours legs were entwined between his, arms secured around each others bodies. you felt steve squeeze you tighter, and you shifted to be pressed impossibly closer.
"mornin'," he rasped sleepily into you. you hummed, hands coming up to scratch up and down his bare back.
"hi," you murmured back, lips pressing against him as you spoke. he let out a quiet groan and squeezed you tighter, your chest pulsing at the contact.
after a few seconds he let you go, pushing himself up to sit on the mattress. you rolled onto your back, eyes fluttering open as you subconsciously bit your lip, watching as he ran his hand through his rustled hair, back muscles rippling as he did so.
god.
he slips out of bed, walking over to your ensuit, flipping on the light as he does so. he closes the door and a few moments later you hear the sound of the shower running. you selfishly wish he had left the door open.
this had been your morning routine almost every morning for eight months.
ever since the fall, the silence in your house from your parents often absence became overwhelming. you had stuck it out for a few weeks, but when your dreams were plagued by memories of giant inter-dimensional monsters and evil russians torturing your best friend as you feared for your life, there was only so much you take on your own.
and steve had the special ability of chasing nightmares away - you assumed you did the same for him.
it started one night in october. you had hosted a scary movie night with robin and steve, and your parents were in new york for the week. robin had left as soon as the movie finished, needing to study for a calculus test the next day. steve had stayed behind to help clean up.
he was about to leave, and you remember grabbing his wrist. he had looked back, watched as you clearly struggled for words.
"steve..." you had uttered, lips parting as you attempted to explain yourself. explain how much you needed him to say with you. how much it scared you how much you needed him. how there was still so much left unsaid between the two of you that it sometimes physically hurt to look at him, even all these months late. after what happened in the bathroom at starcourt, what happened at the hill before you drove back to the mall.
your eyes must've explained it. must've mirrored something he experienced as well. because he simply nodded, dropped his car keys in the tray by your door, and stepped out of his shoes, wrapping his fingers around yours and lead you up to bed.
steve was good like that. he didn't push.
it wasn't like sleepover were foreign to the two of you. its just that a lot had changed since the start of the summer, and you weren't sure what boundaries were in place now, which ones should be.
since then, he had very rarely slept anywhere else. sometimes the two of you switched over to his house, but yours always felt safer, for some reason. maybe it reminded him of better times during childhood, something his own house lacked.
his drawer from the years before had expanded. his toothbrush now sat next to yours in the cup next to the sink, his body wash in your shower, his belongings scattered across your room.
you tried not to think about how domestic it all was.
you hadn't kissed or anything since july. though all of this, arguably, was probably much. much worse than kissing.
you soon rise as well, padding down the stairs and brewing two coffees - one black, one with three sugars. when steve comes down, hair wet and only sporting boxers, your eyes intentionally remained locked on his as you pass him the former mug, looking away as you jog up the stairs to hop in the shower yourself.
when you come down, dressed in jeans and a short-sleeved top, steve is sitting at your kitchen counter, coffee nearly finished and now dressed himself. he glances over at you as you sit in the stool next to him, peering over his shoulder to look at the newspaper.
he nudged your shoulder, lips tilting up, brows pinching. "going for a new scent?"
you frown in confusion, turning your head and sniffing your upper arm. your cheeks go scarlet when you realized you had used his body wash instead of yours.
he chuckles, foot nudging yours as he turned his eyes back to the paper. shaking off your fluster, you clear your throat, walking over to the entryway, grabbing your bag. "ready?"
soon you and steve are sat in his car, windows down as your favorite mixtape plays through the speakers. the new crowded house record filtered through, and you twirled a piece of hair and hummed along to the lyrics of dont dream its over.
when you reached robins house, steve pulls to a stop, and the langley-limbed girl threw herself in, placing herself in the middle seat.
"thanks for the ride, lovebirds," she grins, the nickname resulting in an exasperated shake of the head from steve and a roll of the eyes from you.
robins dad usually drove her to school on the way to work, but he was away this week. luckily, she had two best friends who needed to drive to work as well, and often picked up the slack of her fathers absence.
"sure, robs," you mutter, lips tilting up.
you twist over your shoulder to look at her as steve backs out of the buckley driveway. you scrunch your nose. "okay, so, goal with vicki today?"
ever since robin had come out to you and steve at the end of summer, your friendship had strengthened. talking relationships and crushes with robin was vastly different than it was with carol back in the day, and you weren't as knowledgeable about lesbian dating as robin probably wished, but you tried your best.
this was the one area where steve probably gave better advice than you.
she sighs, opening up her palm. you reach into your purse, grabbing out your makeup bag, holding it out to her. she shuffles through the contents as she replies. "well, theres the pep rally, and the game tonight," she pulls out your contact mirror and a tube of mascara, widening her eyes and she brushed the black over her lashes. "maybe i could strike up some convo there?"
you hum, turning back around to face the front. "totally. thats perfect."
steve scoffs. "no no, you don't want to be trying too hard."
you narrow your eyes at him. "how is striking up conversations trying too hard?"
he sighs. "come on, its robin. her version of striking up conversation is very different than most peoples," he glances back at her. "no offense, robs."
she shrugs, moving on to her other eye. "none taken. what do you suggest then?"
he shrugs. "i dunno, just, like, be yourself."
you snicker. never mind, horrible advice.
robin seems to agree. "okay, first of all, you're literally quoting me to me. second, easy for you to say," she groans when the tube hits her eyelid, a finger coming up to smudge the black off. "you ask out a girl and she says no, big deal. maybe your ego is a little bruised, but if i ask out the wrong girl - bam. i'm a town pariah."
she sighs. "and besides, you get like, a million dates a month. clearly being yourself comes more natural to you," you watch as her brows dip, silently working out the logic in her own statement.
your tongue pokes into the side of your cheek, your head turning to the side.
yeah. steve was dating. a lot. and none of the people he was dating was you.
you supposed you couldn't be upset about it, not really. you were the one who had practically begged him to not speak of it, who shut down the conversation when he had brought it up in the bathroom at starcourt. it was your fault. you couldn't be jealous, couldn't feel even an ounce of envy.
but nothing in life was ever that simple, was it?
every single time you heard him warily utter a new girls name, you recalled the way your lips tingled for hours after they made contact with his.
the only nights he didn't spend with you were when he had dates. sometimes he was out all night and you wouldn't see him until work the next morning. you wouldn't ask, wouldn't wonder whether he had simply gone back to his house alone or...it didn't matter.
sometimes he came home - to your home - late, crawling into bed, wrapping his arms around you from behind. you were always awake, but you feigned sleep. you often wondered if he knew.
you didn't feel a aching throb in your chest. didn't feel your stomach twisting in thick knots. you didn't. in fact, you didn't even think about the dates. i swear.
you didn't ask questions. you didn't let yourself breath in case he smelled like someone else. you just laid there, not letting your mind wander.
you could almost feel the air shift in the car. steves voice sounded fragile as he spoke, clearing his throat. "thats not true, rob."
she raised her brows. "oh yeah? whos the girl of the week then?"
you felt eyes on the side of your head. you didn't look to see which one of them it belonged to. he clears his throat again. "heide. thursday night."
robin hums mockingly. "heide. and tell me, is heide clearly, obviously, 100% straight and 100% into you?"
steve moves in his seat uncomfortably, his body stiff. "um, i mean, 100% is intense, but..."
robin smacks the wand back in the tube, twisting it and throwing it back in the bag. "case in point!" she places the mirror back inside, zipping it close, hitting your shoulder to hand it back to you. you startle, clearing your own throat as you take it out of her hands, rubbing your lips together as you toss it back in your purse.
you let out a breath. "robin, im sure vicki isn't the 'wrong girl'."
"and how, exactly may i ask, do you know that?"
"she returned fast times paused at 53 minutes, 5 seconds," steve interjects, recovered from the dip in conversation. "do you know who pauses fast times at 53 minutes and 5 seconds? people who like boobies, robin!"
you and robin both scrunch your noses in disgust.
"ew, gross, don't say boobies!" she exclaims in disgust.
"its not a big deal, okay? everyone in this car minus her over there likes boobies. princess, back me up here," he looks pointedly over at you.
you narrow your eyes at him, before turning back to robin. "ignoring how gross the way he said it was... i mean, he's not wrong," you shrug sheepishly. "why else pause it there?"
robin groan. "whatever."
steve pulled into the school, and robin sat up straight, spotting a friend. "hey, wait up!" she calls out, grabbing her bag with a beaming smile, leaning forward to place a kiss on both of your cheeks, before hopping out and joining the crowd.
steve lets out a deep breath, driving away. its quiet for a moment, the silence thick.
you suck your teeth. "so, thursday night?"
his head jerks in your directions before refocussing. "uhh, yeah, yeah. thursday night."
you nod, foot tapping against the floor, eyes trained ahead. "am i expecting you back, or...?"
oh my god, shut up! you internally chided. steve and dating was a topic that was completely forbidden between the two of you. not that you had ever verbally agreed to it, but it was supposed to be clear.
he squirms. "um...not really sure yet," he huffs out, eyes flicking over to you. "is that...alright?"
you turn to him instantly, eyes wide. "of course!" you practically exclaim. you wince slightly, turning to face ahead again. "of-of course. whatever you, uh, need, er," you cringe, letting out a small, antsy laugh. "you know what i mean."
god, kill me now.
he lets out a breathy, slightly awkward laugh. "um, sure. yeah."
the rest of the drive was silent.
★
where did steve meet this heide, anyways?
what did she look like? did she look similar to you, or did she look nothing alike? you had never seen the girls he dated. this wasn't like high school where you knew all of them.
did she make him bend over, clutching his stomach as he laughed? did she know what each twist of his face meant, each glimmer in his eyes? no, definitely not.
remember how i said you didn't think about his dates? i lied.
in fact, it was all you could think about, some days.
he would either tell you awkwardly the night before at dinner, faux-casually in the morning in the car, or would wait until robin brought it up. he was lucky that he didn't have to break the news this time around.
every day that steve had plans the night of, you were distracted. sloppy. you put the films in the wrong section, half-hearted and borderline rude to customers, stared off into the distance as you tried to picture what each girl looked like.
linda had dark, brown hair, and beady brown eyes with thick eyelashes. she was bone skinny, and enjoyed reading, but in a cool way.
samantha was blond and curvy in all the right places. she fluttered her eyes up at him from across the table and said the word "like" after every sentence.
you of course, didn't actually know any of this stuff, but your assumptions had become bible.
as you sat behind the register as steve unloaded packages from the staff room, you gazed out the window, conjuring up the new girl. heide.
heide is medium height. 5'5, maybe 5'6? yes, 5'6. she has blue eyes and brown hair, that sits just below her shoulders. she had round cheeks and full lips. she's going to wear a sophisticated blouse and dark-wash jeans. steves going to be impressed she didn't wear something too revealing. hes going to appreciate it. respect it.
they met somewhere cute, like the grocery store. she was looking for oat - no, almond milk, and steve showed up, leaning against the freezer, throwing her his signature charming smile, making a joke so bad and stupid that she laughed anyways. he asked for her digits. she gave them. he called her that same night and asked her out.
"thursday at eight," he would've asked - no, directed. "my treat."
what would they talk about? what could they possibly talk about? no girl could ever understand what you guys had been through the past few years. what was there to discuss - the weather?
you knew how pathetic it looked, how it sounded - but you could hardly care. not when it was your steve. not when it was your fault.
robin had been trying to convince you to go on dates yourself for months.
"come on, it gets to a point," she had pointedly said one night in your kitchen, the two of you sporting glasses of wine. steve was out with tracy that night. he took her to the diner - your diner.
you had sighed, taking a long sip. "i couldn't do it. it would feel...disingenuous."
she groaned. "who cares? just like he's allowed to go on dates, so are you," she frowned. "either you pluck up the courage to take back what happened in the bathroom - or even admit that you want to take back what happened in the bathroom, baby steps - or you move on," she shrugs. "take your pick."
you bit your lip, robin reading the look in your eyes. she let out a breath, reaching across the counter to grab a post it and a pen from her bag, scribbling. you narrowed your eyes, leaning forward to read what se was writing.
"this, is a friend of a friend," she stated, the pen cap between her lips. "he is apparently very hot, very cool, and very single," she finished, handing you the sticky note. it held a phone number, followed by the name james.
her lips tilted. "take back the bathroom, or take hottie james out. choose," she wiggled her brows.
both options sucked. you chose neither.
a part of you selfishly wondered if he was doing it for certain motives - to make you jealous, to try to get over you. a bitter part of you hoped for that. the other bitter part of you conspired that he had just...moved on. that it was just a fluke, a glitch in the system.
but how could that be true? how could that possibly be real, when he spent every night in your arms, looking at you the way he did, smiling at you the way he did, kissing you the way he had back in july.
you could hardly think, brain turning to mush at the feeling of his lips working against yours. he was limp for the first second, but he quickly responded, one hand coming to cup the back of your head to pull you closer, his other to your lower back.
you weren't sure how to explain what you were feeling in this moment. it was like everything just made sense. it just felt right. just like how your body had always molded perfect with his, your lips did as well.
a pit of dread laid in your stomach because of this - because of how right it was. had this always been inevitable? was this always going to happen at some point?
it was almost like he had imagined how you would kiss him so often that he was able to guess right. he kissed you like he had done it a million times before. there was no hesitance, no trace of question or timidness.
it wasn't like walking into a new house - unfamiliar and unknown. no - it was like coming home.
but if that was so - if he was still feeling...whatever, towards you - why hadn't he done anything? what hadn't he fought for you?
the questions towering in your head toppled when you heard the staff door open, steve stepping out, holding a stack of tapes. "hey, think y'can help me put these away?"
you nod, shaking off your thoughts, stepping towards him, grabbing about half from the top. "sci-fi section," he informed as he led the way.
the two of you spent the next thirty minutes putting away the tapes, the ice thawing as you slowly overcame the tension from the morning, speaking mindlessly and chatting about the films.
you did what you did best - pretending it didn't happen. that none of it happened.
★
you had been planing on going to the basketball game at the high school that night, but it had slipped your mind that steve was bringing brenda - someone you actually did know from high school.
total bimbo. steve really knew how to pick 'em.
you had played off a headache. steve hesitated before leaving, asking if you needed him to stay home. you waved him off, saying you were fine.
you were not fine. at all.
so as steve and robin flirted it up with their people of interest at the game, you sat on your couch, watching the cable as you fisted popcorn into your mouth.
you promptly ignored the misery creeping in, the absolute despair at the thought of steve with another girl. back in high school you would feel discomfort at the concept, but now, burning hot envy poisoned your stomach.
once your bowl of popcorn was done, you stood up with a heavy sigh, padding over to the kitchen. you placed the dish in the sink, opening up a drawer to grab a piece of gum, itching to do something with your mouth. you open the top one, and you squint when you spot a folded up post-it in the corner.
you take it out, unfolding it, to see the number of the guys robin had reccomened - james. you swallowed, chewing on your lip.
you were desperate for a distraction. determined to not think about steve with brenda, or heide, or even with you.
you didn't think twice. you walked over to the phone and dialed the number.
★
james arrived thirty minutes later. you were grateful for his haste.
you got into his car, and he gave you a simple nod in greeting. you didn't ask him to take you out - you asked if he was free to hang out. it was clear what this was for.
after a while of driving through the dark, casual conversation being made, he parked in an empty lot. he pulled out a pack, waving it in his hands. "y'mind?"
you shook your head, holding out your hand. he raised his brows as he handed it to you. you pulled out a stick, placing it between yours lips as he just had. he brings a lighter to the end of his, before returning the favor.
its quiet as you both smoke, his hand inching for your thigh. you don't flinch. your mind stays blank.
it's not long before your cigarettes are discarded out the window, and you're sat on his laps, lips ravenously attacking his. in this moment, you think you really like james - because he didn't ask why you called, didn't try to slow it down or get to know you better. that wasn't what you wanted.
james was a good kisser - but he had nothing on steve.
the thought made your eyes water, but you squeezed your eyes tighter, pressing yourself closer to him. he wasn't warm like steve. it didn't feel right.
if the kiss with steve felt like returning home, this was akin to checking into a hotel
when the tears escaped and slipped past your eyes, james pulled away. he took a long look at your face. he nodded quietly. "alright?" he asked.
you nod, sniffling. "i'm sorry," you laugh in a small, pathetic way. "i don't know whats wrong with me." lie, you knew everything that was wrong with you. it was a five letter word starting with a "s" and ending with "t-e-v-e".
he shook his head. "s'alright. no big deal." you thought it was really nice that james wasn't being a dick. if you were him you would be at least a little annoyed.
soon he was driving you back home. this time, he walked you to the door.
you lingered for a second, looking up at him, a nervous glint in your eyes. he considered you.
he leaned forward, placing a soft but firm kiss against your lips. you weren't sure what you had expected him to say, but you felt relieved when all that left his lips was, "take care of yourself."
you swallowed, then nodded. "yeah, you too," you replied quietly. you stood and watched as he walked back to his car, driving away.
you couldn't shower off the shame, the pain that lingered. how steve could do it so easily was beyond you - how he could just be with someone else, kiss someone else.
you felt a special kind of loathing you had only reserved for yourself. not only had you wasted the poor guys night, but you had wasted your own. all of it was your fault. you couldn't forgive it, couldn't forgive that this was all your fault.
because you could be jealous, and angry, and upset with steve all you wanted, but at the end of the day, this was your doing. and that was so, so much worse.
you got ready for bed, laying down in the dark of your room. you weren't sure how much time had passed before you heard steves car pull into the driveway, his footsteps coming up the stairs.
he quietly opened the door, and you heard the dropping of his clothes, the drawers opening as he searched for new ones. a shiver ran down your spine as your mind conjured up images of what he looked like in this moment.
he climbed in behind you. "hey, y'awake?" you waited a second before nodding.
his arms wrapped around your stomach, and he let out a deep breath as he relaxed into you - like he had been holding it all night, like he could finally breath now. "hows your head?"
you subconsciously settle back into him. oh right, you had a headache. "a bit better," you reply hoarsely.
you felt a prickle of guilt again, before a flash of red hot anger. he did this almost every week - crawling back to you after spending the night with another girl. in fact, he was doing that right now. you were allowed to do it once, too. you were allowed.
he hummed, his fingers snaking around your waist. you almost trembled. "good," he murmured, before squeezing your skin. "hey, get this, sinclaire got off the bench."
a gasp escaped your lips, and you couldn't help but twist in his arms. "really?"
he gave you a tired grin. "mhm, and, guess what?"
"what?"
"he shot the winning point."
an elated laugh left your lips. "seriously? oh my god, i can't believe i missed it!"
"i know. kid looked overjoyed. he's spending the night partying with the team," he informed.
you scrunch your nose, yet your smile didn't falter. "wow, he's like a mini version of you."
"oh, come on, he's much better," he teased, causing you to snicker.
"look at you, being humble," you teased back. you didn't even register how your hands had landed around his shoulders, fingers threading at the hairs on the nape of his neck. didn't process how easy the domestic act had come to you, how normal all of this felt - even when you're mad at him. even when you're mad at yourself.
"yeah, well, you know me, princess," he voiced back throatily, eyes dancing with amusement. "always rooting for the youth."
you bite back your smile, shaking your head. its when your noses graze that you begin to understand how close you are to him, remember everything that passed tonight.
your lips part, features going soft yet strained. "steve..."
he shifts, his own smile faltering. "yeah?"
you almost ask. you almost ask how tonight was, how brenda was. whether they had an actual, substantial conversation, whether she made him laugh, or vice versa. whether he dropped her off with a kiss, or if he was going to go out with her again.
you almost admitted what you had recklessly done tonight - how you had met with a stranger and kissed him in his car. how you had started crying because it was a good kiss, but paled in comparison to steves lips on yours. how everything seemed to pale in comparison.
you almost confessed how much you despise that he's dating. that he even knows what other girls tastes like. that picturing him at a restaurant, sat in front of a girl that isn't you, almost makes your chest crack.
you almost ask him to stop, because you selfishly and undoubtably knew that he would do whatever you asked, even if it killed him. you only felt more guilt and self-loathing at these thoughts, but they were real. they were the rawest form of you - steve had the special talent of bringing it out of you without even trying.
he must've seen it - maybe not all of it, but seen where you were going - because his brows pinched in what looked akin to pain, and he subtly shook his head, diving between your bodies, resting in the nape of your neck. his lips softly peppered below your ear, so lightly it could be passed off as nothing. it was never nothing - at least not for you.
you actually did shiver this time. was this his way of telling you? of saying that he still felt it, that it hadn't gone away? that no matter how many girls he took out or took to bed, that it was always going to be you?
your chest aches. maybe he could do it - go out, be with other girls, come back home - but you couldn't. couldn't shake that you had been with someone else tonight, had someone elses lips on yours just an hour ago.
you let out a shaky breath, turning around in his arms, causing his lips to disconnect. you weren't brave enough to pull away completely.
steve got the hint, sighing softly, defeatedly, as he rested back into you, not pressing his lips anywhere else. you didn't let yourself linger on how good his lips felt against you, didn't let yourself regret - you couldn't take regretting anything else.
you couldn't stop feeling the guilt. it was suffocating everything in you.
you felt his breaths even out eventually, soft snores coming from his lips.
a/n: hi angels!!! im so so sorry for how long the break was. i really didn't anticipate being gone for that long, but honestly i really dont regret it. i feel so much more motivated now and my love for these two has restored, so to me it was worth it!! everyone wants me to produce the best version of these two, and i could only be able to give that if i took the time off. so yes, anyways, i hope you enjoyed, and i can't wait to be active again!!
ok for all my taglist angels im so so sorry it completley slipped my mind last night 🫠 but hopefully you are all alerted now!!!
and also for the weekend the taglist is going to be open!!! so if you arent already on it or would like to be, please reach out and i'll add u - and also all the ppl that have asked since its been closed🥰
summary: life has changed since the battle of starcourt - you and steve in particular.
series masterlist:
authors note: hey...how ya'll doin....
eight months later
★
dear jonathan,
sorry for the late response, its been a little hectic over here the past couple of weeks. keith has been on a power trip ever since steve accidentally rented someone the wrong star trek. he totally forgot the voyage home just came out and gave the customer the search for spock!! total dingus.
i hope everything is good over there in sunny california. it sounds like you guys are really starting to settle!
lucky (or maybe unlucky) for you, nothing seems to change here in hawkins. its the same as you left it.
its starting to get warmer, but not nearly as warm as i bet it is over there. its so weird that this year is almost over - it feels like it just started.
its a bummer you haven't heard from any schools yet, but i'm sure it wont be long! i was talking to nancy the other day and she said the same thing. its so exciting you guys applied to the same schools - if anyone is going to make it in the long run, its you two.
i haven't heard back either. i'm not really sure how to feel about going to school in the fall. i've really adjusted to the life of a working woman!
i sometimes still drive dustin to school. he's stopped asking often, though, now that i mention it. he probably thinks he's too old now for a babysitter. he says he misses you guys and asks to say hi to will and el for him.
the rest of the kids are doing okay. i'm not sure how much will and el have told you, or how much the kids have told them, but i think they are still adjusting to high school.
lucas is honestly really thriving. he joined the basketball team, and even though he's totally riding the bench, i'm so proud of the little guy! well, he's not really little anymore, but whatever. steve spent all of august and september practicing with him, getting him ready for try outs. don't tell steve i told you this, but i think he got really invested. listens on the radio every friday night he can't get out of work to hear how the game goes and if lucas got to play. spoiler - he usually doesn't.
dustin and mike joined the hellfire club, which as i'm sure you can remember is run by that one super-senior eddie munson. it's a dnd club (so i'm not really sure where "hellfire" came from, but whatever), so i'm not really surprised. lucas joined as well, but i dont think he's as into it as he used to be. anyways, they seem to be doing pretty good, for the most part.
max is a different story.
i think she's really struggling after everything that happened last year. i'm sure you know, but after what happened with billy, his dad packed up and moved back to california, leaving max and her mom by themselves. they had to move into the forest hills trailer park.
sometimes max shows up at my house in the middle of the night. she says nothing, just asks if she can sleep in the spare room. my dad has been going on more work trips since he's close to retiring, and my mom has been going with him, so i'm usually alone anyways. i never mind the extra company.
maybe she just needs to be around someone who understands what its like to loose a brother.
to be honest, i'm really worried about her. but theres only so much you can help someone with if they don't want to help themselves.
anyways, the rest of us are okay as well. robin is killing her senior year - new crush of season goes to vicki, this girl in band with her. robins convinced shes straight, but steve and i think otherwise.
robs comes by family video every afternoon and helps me and steve out, ranting about all her interactions with vicki that day, whether its a short conversation, a greeting in the hall, or simply just looking at the back of her head in class. honestly adorable!
and steve is doing good as well.
anyways, how are all of you over there? you barely said anything in your last letter! is will adjusting alright? is el making friends? how is joyces job? and besides submitting your applications, how are you doing?
i miss you guys. its not the same without you.
nancy told me shes not coming to lenora for spring break anymore. she said she had too much work. are you guys okay? i know distance can be hard sometimes.
anyways, i'm expecting a lot longer of a letter next time, jonathan byers. i know you've got in you.
-your friend from home that misses you.
★
you woke up today like almost every other day for the past eight months- tangled in your best friends arms.
you mailed off the letter to jonathan yesterday, and you were already eager for a reply. clinging to any sense of normalcy had become your MO.
steves arms were steady around you, his skin warming you in all the right ways. if you leaned back enough you could feel the scrunch in is features against your back that signaled his close-to-conscious state.
a deep sigh left your lips, your eyes still shut as you turned around, nudging into the crevice between his shoulder and neck, lashes kissing his skin. you felt his lips part against your shoulder, his breath fanning against your skin, sending light shivers through your veins.
yours legs were entwined between his, arms secured around each others bodies. you felt steve squeeze you tighter, and you shifted to be pressed impossibly closer.
"mornin'," he rasped sleepily into you. you hummed, hands coming up to scratch up and down his bare back.
"hi," you murmured back, lips pressing against him as you spoke. he let out a quiet groan and squeezed you tighter, your chest pulsing at the contact.
after a few seconds he let you go, pushing himself up to sit on the mattress. you rolled onto your back, eyes fluttering open as you subconsciously bit your lip, watching as he ran his hand through his rustled hair, back muscles rippling as he did so.
god.
he slips out of bed, walking over to your ensuit, flipping on the light as he does so. he closes the door and a few moments later you hear the sound of the shower running. you selfishly wish he had left the door open.
this had been your morning routine almost every morning for eight months.
ever since the fall, the silence in your house from your parents often absence became overwhelming. you had stuck it out for a few weeks, but when your dreams were plagued by memories of giant inter-dimensional monsters and evil russians torturing your best friend as you feared for your life, there was only so much you take on your own.
and steve had the special ability of chasing nightmares away - you assumed you did the same for him.
it started one night in october. you had hosted a scary movie night with robin and steve, and your parents were in new york for the week. robin had left as soon as the movie finished, needing to study for a calculus test the next day. steve had stayed behind to help clean up.
he was about to leave, and you remember grabbing his wrist. he had looked back, watched as you clearly struggled for words.
"steve..." you had uttered, lips parting as you attempted to explain yourself. explain how much you needed him to say with you. how much it scared you how much you needed him. how there was still so much left unsaid between the two of you that it sometimes physically hurt to look at him, even all these months late. after what happened in the bathroom at starcourt, what happened at the hill before you drove back to the mall.
your eyes must've explained it. must've mirrored something he experienced as well. because he simply nodded, dropped his car keys in the tray by your door, and stepped out of his shoes, wrapping his fingers around yours and lead you up to bed.
steve was good like that. he didn't push.
it wasn't like sleepover were foreign to the two of you. its just that a lot had changed since the start of the summer, and you weren't sure what boundaries were in place now, which ones should be.
since then, he had very rarely slept anywhere else. sometimes the two of you switched over to his house, but yours always felt safer, for some reason. maybe it reminded him of better times during childhood, something his own house lacked.
his drawer from the years before had expanded. his toothbrush now sat next to yours in the cup next to the sink, his body wash in your shower, his belongings scattered across your room.
you tried not to think about how domestic it all was.
you hadn't kissed or anything since july. though all of this, arguably, was probably much. much worse than kissing.
you soon rise as well, padding down the stairs and brewing two coffees - one black, one with three sugars. when steve comes down, hair wet and only sporting boxers, your eyes intentionally remained locked on his as you pass him the former mug, looking away as you jog up the stairs to hop in the shower yourself.
when you come down, dressed in jeans and a short-sleeved top, steve is sitting at your kitchen counter, coffee nearly finished and now dressed himself. he glances over at you as you sit in the stool next to him, peering over his shoulder to look at the newspaper.
he nudged your shoulder, lips tilting up, brows pinching. "going for a new scent?"
you frown in confusion, turning your head and sniffing your upper arm. your cheeks go scarlet when you realized you had used his body wash instead of yours.
he chuckles, foot nudging yours as he turned his eyes back to the paper. shaking off your fluster, you clear your throat, walking over to the entryway, grabbing your bag. "ready?"
soon you and steve are sat in his car, windows down as your favorite mixtape plays through the speakers. the new crowded house record filtered through, and you twirled a piece of hair and hummed along to the lyrics of dont dream its over.
when you reached robins house, steve pulls to a stop, and the langley-limbed girl threw herself in, placing herself in the middle seat.
"thanks for the ride, lovebirds," she grins, the nickname resulting in an exasperated shake of the head from steve and a roll of the eyes from you.
robins dad usually drove her to school on the way to work, but he was away this week. luckily, she had two best friends who needed to drive to work as well, and often picked up the slack of her fathers absence.
"sure, robs," you mutter, lips tilting up.
you twist over your shoulder to look at her as steve backs out of the buckley driveway. you scrunch your nose. "okay, so, goal with vicki today?"
ever since robin had come out to you and steve at the end of summer, your friendship had strengthened. talking relationships and crushes with robin was vastly different than it was with carol back in the day, and you weren't as knowledgeable about lesbian dating as robin probably wished, but you tried your best.
this was the one area where steve probably gave better advice than you.
she sighs, opening up her palm. you reach into your purse, grabbing out your makeup bag, holding it out to her. she shuffles through the contents as she replies. "well, theres the pep rally, and the game tonight," she pulls out your contact mirror and a tube of mascara, widening her eyes and she brushed the black over her lashes. "maybe i could strike up some convo there?"
you hum, turning back around to face the front. "totally. thats perfect."
steve scoffs. "no no, you don't want to be trying too hard."
you narrow your eyes at him. "how is striking up conversations trying too hard?"
he sighs. "come on, its robin. her version of striking up conversation is very different than most peoples," he glances back at her. "no offense, robs."
she shrugs, moving on to her other eye. "none taken. what do you suggest then?"
he shrugs. "i dunno, just, like, be yourself."
you snicker. never mind, horrible advice.
robin seems to agree. "okay, first of all, you're literally quoting me to me. second, easy for you to say," she groans when the tube hits her eyelid, a finger coming up to smudge the black off. "you ask out a girl and she says no, big deal. maybe your ego is a little bruised, but if i ask out the wrong girl - bam. i'm a town pariah."
she sighs. "and besides, you get like, a million dates a month. clearly being yourself comes more natural to you," you watch as her brows dip, silently working out the logic in her own statement.
your tongue pokes into the side of your cheek, your head turning to the side.
yeah. steve was dating. a lot. and none of the people he was dating was you.
you supposed you couldn't be upset about it, not really. you were the one who had practically begged him to not speak of it, who shut down the conversation when he had brought it up in the bathroom at starcourt. it was your fault. you couldn't be jealous, couldn't feel even an ounce of envy.
but nothing in life was ever that simple, was it?
every single time you heard him warily utter a new girls name, you recalled the way your lips tingled for hours after they made contact with his.
the only nights he didn't spend with you were when he had dates. sometimes he was out all night and you wouldn't see him until work the next morning. you wouldn't ask, wouldn't wonder whether he had simply gone back to his house alone or...it didn't matter.
sometimes he came home - to your home - late, crawling into bed, wrapping his arms around you from behind. you were always awake, but you feigned sleep. you often wondered if he knew.
you didn't feel a aching throb in your chest. didn't feel your stomach twisting in thick knots. you didn't. in fact, you didn't even think about the dates. i swear.
you didn't ask questions. you didn't let yourself breath in case he smelled like someone else. you just laid there, not letting your mind wander.
you could almost feel the air shift in the car. steves voice sounded fragile as he spoke, clearing his throat. "thats not true, rob."
she raised her brows. "oh yeah? whos the girl of the week then?"
you felt eyes on the side of your head. you didn't look to see which one of them it belonged to. he clears his throat again. "heide. thursday night."
robin hums mockingly. "heide. and tell me, is heide clearly, obviously, 100% straight and 100% into you?"
steve moves in his seat uncomfortably, his body stiff. "um, i mean, 100% is intense, but..."
robin smacks the wand back in the tube, twisting it and throwing it back in the bag. "case in point!" she places the mirror back inside, zipping it close, hitting your shoulder to hand it back to you. you startle, clearing your own throat as you take it out of her hands, rubbing your lips together as you toss it back in your purse.
you let out a breath. "robin, im sure vicki isn't the 'wrong girl'."
"and how, exactly may i ask, do you know that?"
"she returned fast times paused at 53 minutes, 5 seconds," steve interjects, recovered from the dip in conversation. "do you know who pauses fast times at 53 minutes and 5 seconds? people who like boobies, robin!"
you and robin both scrunch your noses in disgust.
"ew, gross, don't say boobies!" she exclaims in disgust.
"its not a big deal, okay? everyone in this car minus her over there likes boobies. princess, back me up here," he looks pointedly over at you.
you narrow your eyes at him, before turning back to robin. "ignoring how gross the way he said it was... i mean, he's not wrong," you shrug sheepishly. "why else pause it there?"
robin groan. "whatever."
steve pulled into the school, and robin sat up straight, spotting a friend. "hey, wait up!" she calls out, grabbing her bag with a beaming smile, leaning forward to place a kiss on both of your cheeks, before hopping out and joining the crowd.
steve lets out a deep breath, driving away. its quiet for a moment, the silence thick.
you suck your teeth. "so, thursday night?"
his head jerks in your directions before refocussing. "uhh, yeah, yeah. thursday night."
you nod, foot tapping against the floor, eyes trained ahead. "am i expecting you back, or...?"
oh my god, shut up! you internally chided. steve and dating was a topic that was completely forbidden between the two of you. not that you had ever verbally agreed to it, but it was supposed to be clear.
he squirms. "um...not really sure yet," he huffs out, eyes flicking over to you. "is that...alright?"
you turn to him instantly, eyes wide. "of course!" you practically exclaim. you wince slightly, turning to face ahead again. "of-of course. whatever you, uh, need, er," you cringe, letting out a small, antsy laugh. "you know what i mean."
god, kill me now.
he lets out a breathy, slightly awkward laugh. "um, sure. yeah."
the rest of the drive was silent.
★
where did steve meet this heide, anyways?
what did she look like? did she look similar to you, or did she look nothing alike? you had never seen the girls he dated. this wasn't like high school where you knew all of them.
did she make him bend over, clutching his stomach as he laughed? did she know what each twist of his face meant, each glimmer in his eyes? no, definitely not.
remember how i said you didn't think about his dates? i lied.
in fact, it was all you could think about, some days.
he would either tell you awkwardly the night before at dinner, faux-casually in the morning in the car, or would wait until robin brought it up. he was lucky that he didn't have to break the news this time around.
every day that steve had plans the night of, you were distracted. sloppy. you put the films in the wrong section, half-hearted and borderline rude to customers, stared off into the distance as you tried to picture what each girl looked like.
linda had dark, brown hair, and beady brown eyes with thick eyelashes. she was bone skinny, and enjoyed reading, but in a cool way.
samantha was blond and curvy in all the right places. she fluttered her eyes up at him from across the table and said the word "like" after every sentence.
you of course, didn't actually know any of this stuff, but your assumptions had become bible.
as you sat behind the register as steve unloaded packages from the staff room, you gazed out the window, conjuring up the new girl. heide.
heide is medium height. 5'5, maybe 5'6? yes, 5'6. she has blue eyes and brown hair, that sits just below her shoulders. she had round cheeks and full lips. she's going to wear a sophisticated blouse and dark-wash jeans. steves going to be impressed she didn't wear something too revealing. hes going to appreciate it. respect it.
they met somewhere cute, like the grocery store. she was looking for oat - no, almond milk, and steve showed up, leaning against the freezer, throwing her his signature charming smile, making a joke so bad and stupid that she laughed anyways. he asked for her digits. she gave them. he called her that same night and asked her out.
"thursday at eight," he would've asked - no, directed. "my treat."
what would they talk about? what could they possibly talk about? no girl could ever understand what you guys had been through the past few years. what was there to discuss - the weather?
you knew how pathetic it looked, how it sounded - but you could hardly care. not when it was your steve. not when it was your fault.
robin had been trying to convince you to go on dates yourself for months.
"come on, it gets to a point," she had pointedly said one night in your kitchen, the two of you sporting glasses of wine. steve was out with tracy that night. he took her to the diner - your diner.
you had sighed, taking a long sip. "i couldn't do it. it would feel...disingenuous."
she groaned. "who cares? just like he's allowed to go on dates, so are you," she frowned. "either you pluck up the courage to take back what happened in the bathroom - or even admit that you want to take back what happened in the bathroom, baby steps - or you move on," she shrugs. "take your pick."
you bit your lip, robin reading the look in your eyes. she let out a breath, reaching across the counter to grab a post it and a pen from her bag, scribbling. you narrowed your eyes, leaning forward to read what se was writing.
"this, is a friend of a friend," she stated, the pen cap between her lips. "he is apparently very hot, very cool, and very single," she finished, handing you the sticky note. it held a phone number, followed by the name james.
her lips tilted. "take back the bathroom, or take hottie james out. choose," she wiggled her brows.
both options sucked. you chose neither.
a part of you selfishly wondered if he was doing it for certain motives - to make you jealous, to try to get over you. a bitter part of you hoped for that. the other bitter part of you conspired that he had just...moved on. that it was just a fluke, a glitch in the system.
but how could that be true? how could that possibly be real, when he spent every night in your arms, looking at you the way he did, smiling at you the way he did, kissing you the way he had back in july.
you could hardly think, brain turning to mush at the feeling of his lips working against yours. he was limp for the first second, but he quickly responded, one hand coming to cup the back of your head to pull you closer, his other to your lower back.
you weren't sure how to explain what you were feeling in this moment. it was like everything just made sense. it just felt right. just like how your body had always molded perfect with his, your lips did as well.
a pit of dread laid in your stomach because of this - because of how right it was. had this always been inevitable? was this always going to happen at some point?
it was almost like he had imagined how you would kiss him so often that he was able to guess right. he kissed you like he had done it a million times before. there was no hesitance, no trace of question or timidness.
it wasn't like walking into a new house - unfamiliar and unknown. no - it was like coming home.
but if that was so - if he was still feeling...whatever, towards you - why hadn't he done anything? what hadn't he fought for you?
the questions towering in your head toppled when you heard the staff door open, steve stepping out, holding a stack of tapes. "hey, think y'can help me put these away?"
you nod, shaking off your thoughts, stepping towards him, grabbing about half from the top. "sci-fi section," he informed as he led the way.
the two of you spent the next thirty minutes putting away the tapes, the ice thawing as you slowly overcame the tension from the morning, speaking mindlessly and chatting about the films.
you did what you did best - pretending it didn't happen. that none of it happened.
★
you had been planing on going to the basketball game at the high school that night, but it had slipped your mind that steve was bringing brenda - someone you actually did know from high school.
total bimbo. steve really knew how to pick 'em.
you had played off a headache. steve hesitated before leaving, asking if you needed him to stay home. you waved him off, saying you were fine.
you were not fine. at all.
so as steve and robin flirted it up with their people of interest at the game, you sat on your couch, watching the cable as you fisted popcorn into your mouth.
you promptly ignored the misery creeping in, the absolute despair at the thought of steve with another girl. back in high school you would feel discomfort at the concept, but now, burning hot envy poisoned your stomach.
once your bowl of popcorn was done, you stood up with a heavy sigh, padding over to the kitchen. you placed the dish in the sink, opening up a drawer to grab a piece of gum, itching to do something with your mouth. you open the top one, and you squint when you spot a folded up post-it in the corner.
you take it out, unfolding it, to see the number of the guys robin had reccomened - james. you swallowed, chewing on your lip.
you were desperate for a distraction. determined to not think about steve with brenda, or heide, or even with you.
you didn't think twice. you walked over to the phone and dialed the number.
★
james arrived thirty minutes later. you were grateful for his haste.
you got into his car, and he gave you a simple nod in greeting. you didn't ask him to take you out - you asked if he was free to hang out. it was clear what this was for.
after a while of driving through the dark, casual conversation being made, he parked in an empty lot. he pulled out a pack, waving it in his hands. "y'mind?"
you shook your head, holding out your hand. he raised his brows as he handed it to you. you pulled out a stick, placing it between yours lips as he just had. he brings a lighter to the end of his, before returning the favor.
its quiet as you both smoke, his hand inching for your thigh. you don't flinch. your mind stays blank.
it's not long before your cigarettes are discarded out the window, and you're sat on his laps, lips ravenously attacking his. in this moment, you think you really like james - because he didn't ask why you called, didn't try to slow it down or get to know you better. that wasn't what you wanted.
james was a good kisser - but he had nothing on steve.
the thought made your eyes water, but you squeezed your eyes tighter, pressing yourself closer to him. he wasn't warm like steve. it didn't feel right.
if the kiss with steve felt like returning home, this was akin to checking into a hotel
when the tears escaped and slipped past your eyes, james pulled away. he took a long look at your face. he nodded quietly. "alright?" he asked.
you nod, sniffling. "i'm sorry," you laugh in a small, pathetic way. "i don't know whats wrong with me." lie, you knew everything that was wrong with you. it was a five letter word starting with a "s" and ending with "t-e-v-e".
he shook his head. "s'alright. no big deal." you thought it was really nice that james wasn't being a dick. if you were him you would be at least a little annoyed.
soon he was driving you back home. this time, he walked you to the door.
you lingered for a second, looking up at him, a nervous glint in your eyes. he considered you.
he leaned forward, placing a soft but firm kiss against your lips. you weren't sure what you had expected him to say, but you felt relieved when all that left his lips was, "take care of yourself."
you swallowed, then nodded. "yeah, you too," you replied quietly. you stood and watched as he walked back to his car, driving away.
you couldn't shower off the shame, the pain that lingered. how steve could do it so easily was beyond you - how he could just be with someone else, kiss someone else.
you felt a special kind of loathing you had only reserved for yourself. not only had you wasted the poor guys night, but you had wasted your own. all of it was your fault. you couldn't forgive it, couldn't forgive that this was all your fault.
because you could be jealous, and angry, and upset with steve all you wanted, but at the end of the day, this was your doing. and that was so, so much worse.
you got ready for bed, laying down in the dark of your room. you weren't sure how much time had passed before you heard steves car pull into the driveway, his footsteps coming up the stairs.
he quietly opened the door, and you heard the dropping of his clothes, the drawers opening as he searched for new ones. a shiver ran down your spine as your mind conjured up images of what he looked like in this moment.
he climbed in behind you. "hey, y'awake?" you waited a second before nodding.
his arms wrapped around your stomach, and he let out a deep breath as he relaxed into you - like he had been holding it all night, like he could finally breath now. "hows your head?"
you subconsciously settle back into him. oh right, you had a headache. "a bit better," you reply hoarsely.
you felt a prickle of guilt again, before a flash of red hot anger. he did this almost every week - crawling back to you after spending the night with another girl. in fact, he was doing that right now. you were allowed to do it once, too. you were allowed.
he hummed, his fingers snaking around your waist. you almost trembled. "good," he murmured, before squeezing your skin. "hey, get this, sinclaire got off the bench."
a gasp escaped your lips, and you couldn't help but twist in his arms. "really?"
he gave you a tired grin. "mhm, and, guess what?"
"what?"
"he shot the winning point."
an elated laugh left your lips. "seriously? oh my god, i can't believe i missed it!"
"i know. kid looked overjoyed. he's spending the night partying with the team," he informed.
you scrunch your nose, yet your smile didn't falter. "wow, he's like a mini version of you."
"oh, come on, he's much better," he teased, causing you to snicker.
"look at you, being humble," you teased back. you didn't even register how your hands had landed around his shoulders, fingers threading at the hairs on the nape of his neck. didn't process how easy the domestic act had come to you, how normal all of this felt - even when you're mad at him. even when you're mad at yourself.
"yeah, well, you know me, princess," he voiced back throatily, eyes dancing with amusement. "always rooting for the youth."
you bite back your smile, shaking your head. its when your noses graze that you begin to understand how close you are to him, remember everything that passed tonight.
your lips part, features going soft yet strained. "steve..."
he shifts, his own smile faltering. "yeah?"
you almost ask. you almost ask how tonight was, how brenda was. whether they had an actual, substantial conversation, whether she made him laugh, or vice versa. whether he dropped her off with a kiss, or if he was going to go out with her again.
you almost admitted what you had recklessly done tonight - how you had met with a stranger and kissed him in his car. how you had started crying because it was a good kiss, but paled in comparison to steves lips on yours. how everything seemed to pale in comparison.
you almost confessed how much you despise that he's dating. that he even knows what other girls tastes like. that picturing him at a restaurant, sat in front of a girl that isn't you, almost makes your chest crack.
you almost ask him to stop, because you selfishly and undoubtably knew that he would do whatever you asked, even if it killed him. you only felt more guilt and self-loathing at these thoughts, but they were real. they were the rawest form of you - steve had the special talent of bringing it out of you without even trying.
he must've seen it - maybe not all of it, but seen where you were going - because his brows pinched in what looked akin to pain, and he subtly shook his head, diving between your bodies, resting in the nape of your neck. his lips softly peppered below your ear, so lightly it could be passed off as nothing. it was never nothing - at least not for you.
you actually did shiver this time. was this his way of telling you? of saying that he still felt it, that it hadn't gone away? that no matter how many girls he took out or took to bed, that it was always going to be you?
your chest aches. maybe he could do it - go out, be with other girls, come back home - but you couldn't. couldn't shake that you had been with someone else tonight, had someone elses lips on yours just an hour ago.
you let out a shaky breath, turning around in his arms, causing his lips to disconnect. you weren't brave enough to pull away completely.
steve got the hint, sighing softly, defeatedly, as he rested back into you, not pressing his lips anywhere else. you didn't let yourself linger on how good his lips felt against you, didn't let yourself regret - you couldn't take regretting anything else.
you couldn't stop feeling the guilt. it was suffocating everything in you.
you felt his breaths even out eventually, soft snores coming from his lips.
you didn't sleep a wink.
a/n: hi angels!!! im so so sorry for how long the break was. i really didn't anticipate being gone for that long, but honestly i really dont regret it. i feel so much more motivated now and my love for these two has restored, so to me it was worth it!! everyone wants me to produce the best version of these two, and i could only be able to give that if i took the time off. so yes, anyways, i hope you enjoyed, and i can't wait to be active again!!
ohhh my god angel you’ve outdone yourself this new chapter was SO good. i missed this series sooo much and ive missed steve calling us princess ughh 😵💫😵💫
-🦢
thank u so so much🥹 ily and im so glad u enjoyed and im so glad to be back!!!
summary: life has changed since the battle of starcourt - you and steve in particular.
series masterlist:
authors note: hey...how ya'll doin....
eight months later
★
dear jonathan,
sorry for the late response, its been a little hectic over here the past couple of weeks. keith has been on a power trip ever since steve accidentally rented someone the wrong star trek. he totally forgot the voyage home just came out and gave the customer the search for spock!! total dingus.
i hope everything is good over there in sunny california. it sounds like you guys are really starting to settle!
lucky (or maybe unlucky) for you, nothing seems to change here in hawkins. its the same as you left it.
its starting to get warmer, but not nearly as warm as i bet it is over there. its so weird that this year is almost over - it feels like it just started.
its a bummer you haven't heard from any schools yet, but i'm sure it wont be long! i was talking to nancy the other day and she said the same thing. its so exciting you guys applied to the same schools - if anyone is going to make it in the long run, its you two.
i haven't heard back either. i'm not really sure how to feel about going to school in the fall. i've really adjusted to the life of a working woman!
i sometimes still drive dustin to school. he's stopped asking often, though, now that i mention it. he probably thinks he's too old now for a babysitter. he says he misses you guys and asks to say hi to will and el for him.
the rest of the kids are doing okay. i'm not sure how much will and el have told you, or how much the kids have told them, but i think they are still adjusting to high school.
lucas is honestly really thriving. he joined the basketball team, and even though he's totally riding the bench, i'm so proud of the little guy! well, he's not really little anymore, but whatever. steve spent all of august and september practicing with him, getting him ready for try outs. don't tell steve i told you this, but i think he got really invested. listens on the radio every friday night he can't get out of work to hear how the game goes and if lucas got to play. spoiler - he usually doesn't.
dustin and mike joined the hellfire club, which as i'm sure you can remember is run by that one super-senior eddie munson. it's a dnd club (so i'm not really sure where "hellfire" came from, but whatever), so i'm not really surprised. lucas joined as well, but i dont think he's as into it as he used to be. anyways, they seem to be doing pretty good, for the most part.
max is a different story.
i think she's really struggling after everything that happened last year. i'm sure you know, but after what happened with billy, his dad packed up and moved back to california, leaving max and her mom by themselves. they had to move into the forest hills trailer park.
sometimes max shows up at my house in the middle of the night. she says nothing, just asks if she can sleep in the spare room. my dad has been going on more work trips since he's close to retiring, and my mom has been going with him, so i'm usually alone anyways. i never mind the extra company.
maybe she just needs to be around someone who understands what its like to loose a brother.
to be honest, i'm really worried about her. but theres only so much you can help someone with if they don't want to help themselves.
anyways, the rest of us are okay as well. robin is killing her senior year - new crush of season goes to vicki, this girl in band with her. robins convinced shes straight, but steve and i think otherwise.
robs comes by family video every afternoon and helps me and steve out, ranting about all her interactions with vicki that day, whether its a short conversation, a greeting in the hall, or simply just looking at the back of her head in class. honestly adorable!
and steve is doing good as well.
anyways, how are all of you over there? you barely said anything in your last letter! is will adjusting alright? is el making friends? how is joyces job? and besides submitting your applications, how are you doing?
i miss you guys. its not the same without you.
nancy told me shes not coming to lenora for spring break anymore. she said she had too much work. are you guys okay? i know distance can be hard sometimes.
anyways, i'm expecting a lot longer of a letter next time, jonathan byers. i know you've got in you.
-your friend from home that misses you.
★
you woke up today like almost every other day for the past eight months- tangled in your best friends arms.
you mailed off the letter to jonathan yesterday, and you were already eager for a reply. clinging to any sense of normalcy had become your MO.
steves arms were steady around you, his skin warming you in all the right ways. if you leaned back enough you could feel the scrunch in is features against your back that signaled his close-to-conscious state.
a deep sigh left your lips, your eyes still shut as you turned around, nudging into the crevice between his shoulder and neck, lashes kissing his skin. you felt his lips part against your shoulder, his breath fanning against your skin, sending light shivers through your veins.
yours legs were entwined between his, arms secured around each others bodies. you felt steve squeeze you tighter, and you shifted to be pressed impossibly closer.
"mornin'," he rasped sleepily into you. you hummed, hands coming up to scratch up and down his bare back.
"hi," you murmured back, lips pressing against him as you spoke. he let out a quiet groan and squeezed you tighter, your chest pulsing at the contact.
after a few seconds he let you go, pushing himself up to sit on the mattress. you rolled onto your back, eyes fluttering open as you subconsciously bit your lip, watching as he ran his hand through his rustled hair, back muscles rippling as he did so.
god.
he slips out of bed, walking over to your ensuit, flipping on the light as he does so. he closes the door and a few moments later you hear the sound of the shower running. you selfishly wish he had left the door open.
this had been your morning routine almost every morning for eight months.
ever since the fall, the silence in your house from your parents often absence became overwhelming. you had stuck it out for a few weeks, but when your dreams were plagued by memories of giant inter-dimensional monsters and evil russians torturing your best friend as you feared for your life, there was only so much you take on your own.
and steve had the special ability of chasing nightmares away - you assumed you did the same for him.
it started one night in october. you had hosted a scary movie night with robin and steve, and your parents were in new york for the week. robin had left as soon as the movie finished, needing to study for a calculus test the next day. steve had stayed behind to help clean up.
he was about to leave, and you remember grabbing his wrist. he had looked back, watched as you clearly struggled for words.
"steve..." you had uttered, lips parting as you attempted to explain yourself. explain how much you needed him to say with you. how much it scared you how much you needed him. how there was still so much left unsaid between the two of you that it sometimes physically hurt to look at him, even all these months late. after what happened in the bathroom at starcourt, what happened at the hill before you drove back to the mall.
your eyes must've explained it. must've mirrored something he experienced as well. because he simply nodded, dropped his car keys in the tray by your door, and stepped out of his shoes, wrapping his fingers around yours and lead you up to bed.
steve was good like that. he didn't push.
it wasn't like sleepover were foreign to the two of you. its just that a lot had changed since the start of the summer, and you weren't sure what boundaries were in place now, which ones should be.
since then, he had very rarely slept anywhere else. sometimes the two of you switched over to his house, but yours always felt safer, for some reason. maybe it reminded him of better times during childhood, something his own house lacked.
his drawer from the years before had expanded. his toothbrush now sat next to yours in the cup next to the sink, his body wash in your shower, his belongings scattered across your room.
you tried not to think about how domestic it all was.
you hadn't kissed or anything since july. though all of this, arguably, was probably much. much worse than kissing.
you soon rise as well, padding down the stairs and brewing two coffees - one black, one with three sugars. when steve comes down, hair wet and only sporting boxers, your eyes intentionally remained locked on his as you pass him the former mug, looking away as you jog up the stairs to hop in the shower yourself.
when you come down, dressed in jeans and a short-sleeved top, steve is sitting at your kitchen counter, coffee nearly finished and now dressed himself. he glances over at you as you sit in the stool next to him, peering over his shoulder to look at the newspaper.
he nudged your shoulder, lips tilting up, brows pinching. "going for a new scent?"
you frown in confusion, turning your head and sniffing your upper arm. your cheeks go scarlet when you realized you had used his body wash instead of yours.
he chuckles, foot nudging yours as he turned his eyes back to the paper. shaking off your fluster, you clear your throat, walking over to the entryway, grabbing your bag. "ready?"
soon you and steve are sat in his car, windows down as your favorite mixtape plays through the speakers. the new crowded house record filtered through, and you twirled a piece of hair and hummed along to the lyrics of dont dream its over.
when you reached robins house, steve pulls to a stop, and the langley-limbed girl threw herself in, placing herself in the middle seat.
"thanks for the ride, lovebirds," she grins, the nickname resulting in an exasperated shake of the head from steve and a roll of the eyes from you.
robins dad usually drove her to school on the way to work, but he was away this week. luckily, she had two best friends who needed to drive to work as well, and often picked up the slack of her fathers absence.
"sure, robs," you mutter, lips tilting up.
you twist over your shoulder to look at her as steve backs out of the buckley driveway. you scrunch your nose. "okay, so, goal with vicki today?"
ever since robin had come out to you and steve at the end of summer, your friendship had strengthened. talking relationships and crushes with robin was vastly different than it was with carol back in the day, and you weren't as knowledgeable about lesbian dating as robin probably wished, but you tried your best.
this was the one area where steve probably gave better advice than you.
she sighs, opening up her palm. you reach into your purse, grabbing out your makeup bag, holding it out to her. she shuffles through the contents as she replies. "well, theres the pep rally, and the game tonight," she pulls out your contact mirror and a tube of mascara, widening her eyes and she brushed the black over her lashes. "maybe i could strike up some convo there?"
you hum, turning back around to face the front. "totally. thats perfect."
steve scoffs. "no no, you don't want to be trying too hard."
you narrow your eyes at him. "how is striking up conversations trying too hard?"
he sighs. "come on, its robin. her version of striking up conversation is very different than most peoples," he glances back at her. "no offense, robs."
she shrugs, moving on to her other eye. "none taken. what do you suggest then?"
he shrugs. "i dunno, just, like, be yourself."
you snicker. never mind, horrible advice.
robin seems to agree. "okay, first of all, you're literally quoting me to me. second, easy for you to say," she groans when the tube hits her eyelid, a finger coming up to smudge the black off. "you ask out a girl and she says no, big deal. maybe your ego is a little bruised, but if i ask out the wrong girl - bam. i'm a town pariah."
she sighs. "and besides, you get like, a million dates a month. clearly being yourself comes more natural to you," you watch as her brows dip, silently working out the logic in her own statement.
your tongue pokes into the side of your cheek, your head turning to the side.
yeah. steve was dating. a lot. and none of the people he was dating was you.
you supposed you couldn't be upset about it, not really. you were the one who had practically begged him to not speak of it, who shut down the conversation when he had brought it up in the bathroom at starcourt. it was your fault. you couldn't be jealous, couldn't feel even an ounce of envy.
but nothing in life was ever that simple, was it?
every single time you heard him warily utter a new girls name, you recalled the way your lips tingled for hours after they made contact with his.
the only nights he didn't spend with you were when he had dates. sometimes he was out all night and you wouldn't see him until work the next morning. you wouldn't ask, wouldn't wonder whether he had simply gone back to his house alone or...it didn't matter.
sometimes he came home - to your home - late, crawling into bed, wrapping his arms around you from behind. you were always awake, but you feigned sleep. you often wondered if he knew.
you didn't feel a aching throb in your chest. didn't feel your stomach twisting in thick knots. you didn't. in fact, you didn't even think about the dates. i swear.
you didn't ask questions. you didn't let yourself breath in case he smelled like someone else. you just laid there, not letting your mind wander.
you could almost feel the air shift in the car. steves voice sounded fragile as he spoke, clearing his throat. "thats not true, rob."
she raised her brows. "oh yeah? whos the girl of the week then?"
you felt eyes on the side of your head. you didn't look to see which one of them it belonged to. he clears his throat again. "heide. thursday night."
robin hums mockingly. "heide. and tell me, is heide clearly, obviously, 100% straight and 100% into you?"
steve moves in his seat uncomfortably, his body stiff. "um, i mean, 100% is intense, but..."
robin smacks the wand back in the tube, twisting it and throwing it back in the bag. "case in point!" she places the mirror back inside, zipping it close, hitting your shoulder to hand it back to you. you startle, clearing your own throat as you take it out of her hands, rubbing your lips together as you toss it back in your purse.
you let out a breath. "robin, im sure vicki isn't the 'wrong girl'."
"and how, exactly may i ask, do you know that?"
"she returned fast times paused at 53 minutes, 5 seconds," steve interjects, recovered from the dip in conversation. "do you know who pauses fast times at 53 minutes and 5 seconds? people who like boobies, robin!"
you and robin both scrunch your noses in disgust.
"ew, gross, don't say boobies!" she exclaims in disgust.
"its not a big deal, okay? everyone in this car minus her over there likes boobies. princess, back me up here," he looks pointedly over at you.
you narrow your eyes at him, before turning back to robin. "ignoring how gross the way he said it was... i mean, he's not wrong," you shrug sheepishly. "why else pause it there?"
robin groan. "whatever."
steve pulled into the school, and robin sat up straight, spotting a friend. "hey, wait up!" she calls out, grabbing her bag with a beaming smile, leaning forward to place a kiss on both of your cheeks, before hopping out and joining the crowd.
steve lets out a deep breath, driving away. its quiet for a moment, the silence thick.
you suck your teeth. "so, thursday night?"
his head jerks in your directions before refocussing. "uhh, yeah, yeah. thursday night."
you nod, foot tapping against the floor, eyes trained ahead. "am i expecting you back, or...?"
oh my god, shut up! you internally chided. steve and dating was a topic that was completely forbidden between the two of you. not that you had ever verbally agreed to it, but it was supposed to be clear.
he squirms. "um...not really sure yet," he huffs out, eyes flicking over to you. "is that...alright?"
you turn to him instantly, eyes wide. "of course!" you practically exclaim. you wince slightly, turning to face ahead again. "of-of course. whatever you, uh, need, er," you cringe, letting out a small, antsy laugh. "you know what i mean."
god, kill me now.
he lets out a breathy, slightly awkward laugh. "um, sure. yeah."
the rest of the drive was silent.
★
where did steve meet this heide, anyways?
what did she look like? did she look similar to you, or did she look nothing alike? you had never seen the girls he dated. this wasn't like high school where you knew all of them.
did she make him bend over, clutching his stomach as he laughed? did she know what each twist of his face meant, each glimmer in his eyes? no, definitely not.
remember how i said you didn't think about his dates? i lied.
in fact, it was all you could think about, some days.
he would either tell you awkwardly the night before at dinner, faux-casually in the morning in the car, or would wait until robin brought it up. he was lucky that he didn't have to break the news this time around.
every day that steve had plans the night of, you were distracted. sloppy. you put the films in the wrong section, half-hearted and borderline rude to customers, stared off into the distance as you tried to picture what each girl looked like.
linda had dark, brown hair, and beady brown eyes with thick eyelashes. she was bone skinny, and enjoyed reading, but in a cool way.
samantha was blond and curvy in all the right places. she fluttered her eyes up at him from across the table and said the word "like" after every sentence.
you of course, didn't actually know any of this stuff, but your assumptions had become bible.
as you sat behind the register as steve unloaded packages from the staff room, you gazed out the window, conjuring up the new girl. heide.
heide is medium height. 5'5, maybe 5'6? yes, 5'6. she has blue eyes and brown hair, that sits just below her shoulders. she had round cheeks and full lips. she's going to wear a sophisticated blouse and dark-wash jeans. steves going to be impressed she didn't wear something too revealing. hes going to appreciate it. respect it.
they met somewhere cute, like the grocery store. she was looking for oat - no, almond milk, and steve showed up, leaning against the freezer, throwing her his signature charming smile, making a joke so bad and stupid that she laughed anyways. he asked for her digits. she gave them. he called her that same night and asked her out.
"thursday at eight," he would've asked - no, directed. "my treat."
what would they talk about? what could they possibly talk about? no girl could ever understand what you guys had been through the past few years. what was there to discuss - the weather?
you knew how pathetic it looked, how it sounded - but you could hardly care. not when it was your steve. not when it was your fault.
robin had been trying to convince you to go on dates yourself for months.
"come on, it gets to a point," she had pointedly said one night in your kitchen, the two of you sporting glasses of wine. steve was out with tracy that night. he took her to the diner - your diner.
you had sighed, taking a long sip. "i couldn't do it. it would feel...disingenuous."
she groaned. "who cares? just like he's allowed to go on dates, so are you," she frowned. "either you pluck up the courage to take back what happened in the bathroom - or even admit that you want to take back what happened in the bathroom, baby steps - or you move on," she shrugs. "take your pick."
you bit your lip, robin reading the look in your eyes. she let out a breath, reaching across the counter to grab a post it and a pen from her bag, scribbling. you narrowed your eyes, leaning forward to read what se was writing.
"this, is a friend of a friend," she stated, the pen cap between her lips. "he is apparently very hot, very cool, and very single," she finished, handing you the sticky note. it held a phone number, followed by the name james.
her lips tilted. "take back the bathroom, or take hottie james out. choose," she wiggled her brows.
both options sucked. you chose neither.
a part of you selfishly wondered if he was doing it for certain motives - to make you jealous, to try to get over you. a bitter part of you hoped for that. the other bitter part of you conspired that he had just...moved on. that it was just a fluke, a glitch in the system.
but how could that be true? how could that possibly be real, when he spent every night in your arms, looking at you the way he did, smiling at you the way he did, kissing you the way he had back in july.
you could hardly think, brain turning to mush at the feeling of his lips working against yours. he was limp for the first second, but he quickly responded, one hand coming to cup the back of your head to pull you closer, his other to your lower back.
you weren't sure how to explain what you were feeling in this moment. it was like everything just made sense. it just felt right. just like how your body had always molded perfect with his, your lips did as well.
a pit of dread laid in your stomach because of this - because of how right it was. had this always been inevitable? was this always going to happen at some point?
it was almost like he had imagined how you would kiss him so often that he was able to guess right. he kissed you like he had done it a million times before. there was no hesitance, no trace of question or timidness.
it wasn't like walking into a new house - unfamiliar and unknown. no - it was like coming home.
but if that was so - if he was still feeling...whatever, towards you - why hadn't he done anything? what hadn't he fought for you?
the questions towering in your head toppled when you heard the staff door open, steve stepping out, holding a stack of tapes. "hey, think y'can help me put these away?"
you nod, shaking off your thoughts, stepping towards him, grabbing about half from the top. "sci-fi section," he informed as he led the way.
the two of you spent the next thirty minutes putting away the tapes, the ice thawing as you slowly overcame the tension from the morning, speaking mindlessly and chatting about the films.
you did what you did best - pretending it didn't happen. that none of it happened.
★
you had been planing on going to the basketball game at the high school that night, but it had slipped your mind that steve was bringing brenda - someone you actually did know from high school.
total bimbo. steve really knew how to pick 'em.
you had played off a headache. steve hesitated before leaving, asking if you needed him to stay home. you waved him off, saying you were fine.
you were not fine. at all.
so as steve and robin flirted it up with their people of interest at the game, you sat on your couch, watching the cable as you fisted popcorn into your mouth.
you promptly ignored the misery creeping in, the absolute despair at the thought of steve with another girl. back in high school you would feel discomfort at the concept, but now, burning hot envy poisoned your stomach.
once your bowl of popcorn was done, you stood up with a heavy sigh, padding over to the kitchen. you placed the dish in the sink, opening up a drawer to grab a piece of gum, itching to do something with your mouth. you open the top one, and you squint when you spot a folded up post-it in the corner.
you take it out, unfolding it, to see the number of the guys robin had reccomened - james. you swallowed, chewing on your lip.
you were desperate for a distraction. determined to not think about steve with brenda, or heide, or even with you.
you didn't think twice. you walked over to the phone and dialed the number.
★
james arrived thirty minutes later. you were grateful for his haste.
you got into his car, and he gave you a simple nod in greeting. you didn't ask him to take you out - you asked if he was free to hang out. it was clear what this was for.
after a while of driving through the dark, casual conversation being made, he parked in an empty lot. he pulled out a pack, waving it in his hands. "y'mind?"
you shook your head, holding out your hand. he raised his brows as he handed it to you. you pulled out a stick, placing it between yours lips as he just had. he brings a lighter to the end of his, before returning the favor.
its quiet as you both smoke, his hand inching for your thigh. you don't flinch. your mind stays blank.
it's not long before your cigarettes are discarded out the window, and you're sat on his laps, lips ravenously attacking his. in this moment, you think you really like james - because he didn't ask why you called, didn't try to slow it down or get to know you better. that wasn't what you wanted.
james was a good kisser - but he had nothing on steve.
the thought made your eyes water, but you squeezed your eyes tighter, pressing yourself closer to him. he wasn't warm like steve. it didn't feel right.
if the kiss with steve felt like returning home, this was akin to checking into a hotel
when the tears escaped and slipped past your eyes, james pulled away. he took a long look at your face. he nodded quietly. "alright?" he asked.
you nod, sniffling. "i'm sorry," you laugh in a small, pathetic way. "i don't know whats wrong with me." lie, you knew everything that was wrong with you. it was a five letter word starting with a "s" and ending with "t-e-v-e".
he shook his head. "s'alright. no big deal." you thought it was really nice that james wasn't being a dick. if you were him you would be at least a little annoyed.
soon he was driving you back home. this time, he walked you to the door.
you lingered for a second, looking up at him, a nervous glint in your eyes. he considered you.
he leaned forward, placing a soft but firm kiss against your lips. you weren't sure what you had expected him to say, but you felt relieved when all that left his lips was, "take care of yourself."
you swallowed, then nodded. "yeah, you too," you replied quietly. you stood and watched as he walked back to his car, driving away.
you couldn't shower off the shame, the pain that lingered. how steve could do it so easily was beyond you - how he could just be with someone else, kiss someone else.
you felt a special kind of loathing you had only reserved for yourself. not only had you wasted the poor guys night, but you had wasted your own. all of it was your fault. you couldn't forgive it, couldn't forgive that this was all your fault.
because you could be jealous, and angry, and upset with steve all you wanted, but at the end of the day, this was your doing. and that was so, so much worse.
you got ready for bed, laying down in the dark of your room. you weren't sure how much time had passed before you heard steves car pull into the driveway, his footsteps coming up the stairs.
he quietly opened the door, and you heard the dropping of his clothes, the drawers opening as he searched for new ones. a shiver ran down your spine as your mind conjured up images of what he looked like in this moment.
he climbed in behind you. "hey, y'awake?" you waited a second before nodding.
his arms wrapped around your stomach, and he let out a deep breath as he relaxed into you - like he had been holding it all night, like he could finally breath now. "hows your head?"
you subconsciously settle back into him. oh right, you had a headache. "a bit better," you reply hoarsely.
you felt a prickle of guilt again, before a flash of red hot anger. he did this almost every week - crawling back to you after spending the night with another girl. in fact, he was doing that right now. you were allowed to do it once, too. you were allowed.
he hummed, his fingers snaking around your waist. you almost trembled. "good," he murmured, before squeezing your skin. "hey, get this, sinclaire got off the bench."
a gasp escaped your lips, and you couldn't help but twist in his arms. "really?"
he gave you a tired grin. "mhm, and, guess what?"
"what?"
"he shot the winning point."
an elated laugh left your lips. "seriously? oh my god, i can't believe i missed it!"
"i know. kid looked overjoyed. he's spending the night partying with the team," he informed.
you scrunch your nose, yet your smile didn't falter. "wow, he's like a mini version of you."
"oh, come on, he's much better," he teased, causing you to snicker.
"look at you, being humble," you teased back. you didn't even register how your hands had landed around his shoulders, fingers threading at the hairs on the nape of his neck. didn't process how easy the domestic act had come to you, how normal all of this felt - even when you're mad at him. even when you're mad at yourself.
"yeah, well, you know me, princess," he voiced back throatily, eyes dancing with amusement. "always rooting for the youth."
you bite back your smile, shaking your head. its when your noses graze that you begin to understand how close you are to him, remember everything that passed tonight.
your lips part, features going soft yet strained. "steve..."
he shifts, his own smile faltering. "yeah?"
you almost ask. you almost ask how tonight was, how brenda was. whether they had an actual, substantial conversation, whether she made him laugh, or vice versa. whether he dropped her off with a kiss, or if he was going to go out with her again.
you almost admitted what you had recklessly done tonight - how you had met with a stranger and kissed him in his car. how you had started crying because it was a good kiss, but paled in comparison to steves lips on yours. how everything seemed to pale in comparison.
you almost confessed how much you despise that he's dating. that he even knows what other girls tastes like. that picturing him at a restaurant, sat in front of a girl that isn't you, almost makes your chest crack.
you almost ask him to stop, because you selfishly and undoubtably knew that he would do whatever you asked, even if it killed him. you only felt more guilt and self-loathing at these thoughts, but they were real. they were the rawest form of you - steve had the special talent of bringing it out of you without even trying.
he must've seen it - maybe not all of it, but seen where you were going - because his brows pinched in what looked akin to pain, and he subtly shook his head, diving between your bodies, resting in the nape of your neck. his lips softly peppered below your ear, so lightly it could be passed off as nothing. it was never nothing - at least not for you.
you actually did shiver this time. was this his way of telling you? of saying that he still felt it, that it hadn't gone away? that no matter how many girls he took out or took to bed, that it was always going to be you?
your chest aches. maybe he could do it - go out, be with other girls, come back home - but you couldn't. couldn't shake that you had been with someone else tonight, had someone elses lips on yours just an hour ago.
you let out a shaky breath, turning around in his arms, causing his lips to disconnect. you weren't brave enough to pull away completely.
steve got the hint, sighing softly, defeatedly, as he rested back into you, not pressing his lips anywhere else. you didn't let yourself linger on how good his lips felt against you, didn't let yourself regret - you couldn't take regretting anything else.
you couldn't stop feeling the guilt. it was suffocating everything in you.
you felt his breaths even out eventually, soft snores coming from his lips.
a/n: hi angels!!! im so so sorry for how long the break was. i really didn't anticipate being gone for that long, but honestly i really dont regret it. i feel so much more motivated now and my love for these two has restored, so to me it was worth it!! everyone wants me to produce the best version of these two, and i could only be able to give that if i took the time off. so yes, anyways, i hope you enjoyed, and i can't wait to be active again!!
