IF I DIDN'T LOVE YOU
ยท pairing ex!gojo x f!reader ยท synopsis you and satoru were the perfect couple, save for one little detail โ he was moving back home, and taking you with him was not in the plans ยท wc 5.5k ยท content mdni!, angst, smut, post-break up, hurt, comfort, break up talk, reunion, exes to lovers to whatever this is, anxiety, a lot of crying, arguments, kissing, body worship, piv sex, praise, aftercare, reader wonders about other women, endless toxic cycle, this is really bleak, sad ending ยท a/n my very late entry to @sweethearticism brutal bakery event <3
How long had it been again?
Five months? Six?
Six months since the love of your life told you he was leaving. Told you he was moving home in a couple months and that's why he had to end it โ not because he didn't love you, but because he loved you too much.
Because spending the remainder of his time here with you would just multiply the pain that came later when he eventually left. Because you had a whole life that you couldn't give up just like that; and he had a name to uphold and a new path to lead, one that was too cold and cruel for him to allow you any part in.
It was his responsability, Satoru had explained.
What a sad excuse that was, you had scoffed then.
Hoping it was all a joke, just some dramatic spell he would come out of eventually โ until the day came where he wouldn't answer your calls anymore.
And two months later, you had to find out from Suguru that he really was gone.
Just hopped on a plane and moved away to fulfill the wishes of a family he wasn't even proud of.
Would things have been different if you were born to an important name like him?
What else did you think would happen โ dating the heir to the Gojo clan?
It would have been easier if he just told you the past year had been a lie, that he hated you from the start and you were nothing but a pastime for a rich boy like him to enjoy.
But that wasn't what he said.
No, Satoru had looked right into your eyes as you watched the tears spill from his bright blue ones, holding your hands tight as he kept repeating the same thing.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
How many times did he have to say it for you to actually start forgiving him?
Because you didn't. Not really.
It felt like a knife got lodged right into your chest then, and thats exactly how it still felt six months later. Like your skin was trying to heal, growing around this gaping wound that refused to close.
Six months was half a year. Double that and it would be a whole year already.
A whole fucking year.
One you could have been together for.
Six month ago, you wanted to throw all caution to the wind and tell him he better take you with him, or else.
But you knew exactly what would have happened. Satoru would have turned that frown to you again, with so much pity in his aquamarine eyes you wouldn't be able to bear.
He didn't want you to throw your life away for him. You knew that, in his own way, he was doing a kindness to you too by breaking it off.
You had your studies, a whole career you were so proud ofโฆ your parents would have scoffed at you at the mere suggestion of throwing it all away for a man. Hell, had it been a friend asking for advice, you would have told them the very same thing.
But you couldn't help yourself.
Everything in you wanted to be with him.
Six months was a long timeโฆ had he met someone else already? Was he a step closer to settling down like he was meant to? Furthering the Gojo name he claimed to hate?
Did he look into her eyes and wish it was you?
You dragged a palm over your face, struggling to stop the tears from falling. You hadn't been able to cry lately. Maybe this was all the months of pretending you were fine finally forcing their way out of you.
A buzzing sound came from your nightstand, screen flashing white and dousing the dark room in light before it faded away again. It was probably those stupid dating apps you had finally been convinced to download. Some poor idiot trying to get your attention when you knew well enough you were never replying to any of those texts.
You hated it.
Hated the thought of meeting someone new and having to tell them your whole life again. It felt like a chore, but with Satoru? It all just came out so easily. The worst things you had ever experienced, just falling from your tongue to his waiting ears, and it never felt awkward or daunting or scary.
Satoru was there to catch you when you fell. Always.
If only he had been an asshole like the people you dated before him. No โ Satoru had practically ruined you for anyone else.
And you couldn't even hate him for it.
Your hand reached towards your phone before you fully had time to process what you were looking for. Your fingers searched for his contact instinctively, looking for the big capital letters that read DO NOT CONTACT, a stupid measure your friends had taken to keep your heart sane.
Your breath hitched just seeing the last few messages you couldn't bring yourself to respond to.
DO NOT CONTACT: I'm so sorry DO NOT CONTACT: I'll always love you DO NOT CONTACT: I'm sorry DO NOT CONTACT: Just forget about me DO NOT CONTACT: Please
More tears flowed freely, falling everywhere as you audibly hiccuped, knuckles turning white where they gripped the device. You wished you hadn't been so petty, wished you had tried calling him just one last time and hoped he would have picked up.
Despite every single call from you falling into voice mail.
Satoru had said hearing your voice hurt too much. But not hearing it hurt you just as bad.
How could you escape him when he was everywhere?
It was so wrong that those texts were buried under thousands of happy ones. Of photos you shared. Voice notes you had replayed too many times. How wrong it was that if you ever wanted to go through them again, you'd first have to reread that.
Jut forget about me.
You fucking couldn't.
So your fingers started typing.
y/n: I miss you
And pressed send before you could talk yourself out of it.
You spent a couple seconds watching the too bright screen, already regretting the decision.
But before you could delete the message altogether โ something unexpected happened.
Unread turned to read, and three little dots appeared on screen.
It felt like your heart had leaped out of your fucking chest.
In fact, it was beating so fucking fast you feared it might send you into a hospital ward.
You threw your phone over the bed, standing up so you could channel at least some of the nerves into another activity. Like pacing around the room, apparently.
Pacing and watching the screen like you were a predator cornering a prey.
You felt ridiculous.
And maybe he wouldn't even reply. He didn't have to, after all. You didn't expect him to.
But he had seen the message, hadn't he? What had his reaction been?
Had Satoru rolled his blue eyes and was just typing out of pity? Some half-hearted 'hope you're well' that would make you feel even more sick than you already did?
Or had his heart hammered just like yours right now?
Had heโ
Ping.
You practically launched yourself across the bed, taking the phone in your hand as fast as you could. Your palms were so sweaty just gripping the stupid thing was a struggle, but your eyes scanned the message with quick, clinical precision.
DO NOT CONTACT: Don't say that
You could almost hear his voice saying it. He had said it enough times that night.
Your fingers started typing again.
y/n: I just want to know how you're doing
Send.
It was a half truth. Your curiosity was killing you, yes, but what you really wanted was for him to admit what a mistake this all wa and tell you he was moving back to town.
Call it wishful thinking. Or desperation, whatever.
You couldn't even spend too long overthinking that message, because another notification sound came not even a minute later.
DO NOT CONTACT: I'm in town
Huh?
What the fuck were you supposed to do with that information?
Did that mean he wanted to see you? Why would he have told you if that wasn't the case?
โฆAnd would he never have said anything if you hadn't texted?
That felt like another betrayal to add to the pile.
You wanted to be angry at him, you really fucking did, but when he suggested you meet for coffee, you didn't say no.
You should have said no.
Because nothing could have prepared for the years of torture that would start with coffee.
Of course, there was no way you could have known then.
Hence why you walked into the same coffee shop the two of you had been to so many times, wearing a pretty outfit Satoru used to love when you were together. The same one he had ripped off your body far too many times as his mouth trailed hungry kisses all along your body.
Beautiful memories, now turned sour.
You walked in there like it hadn't been intentional, while still hoping some unconscious part of him would pick up on it.
And Satoru still looked the same.
Somehow, that was even worse.
"Hey" he said, voice small like it had been that day. This wasn't how he was supposed to sound. Satoru was meant to be chirpy and smug and he should have you throwing your head back with laughter already.
You hated this solemn version of him you got since that night. It was like it was an impostor. Someone wrong wearing the love of your life's skin.
"Hi, Satoru" you swallowed, taking the seat in front of him, barely able to look at his face.
"I got you your favourite" he tried to smile, motioning to the warm mug steaming in front of you. "How are you doing? Are youโ"
"Why didn't you tell me you were in town?" you interrupted, finally lifting your gaze.
His adams apple bobbed up and down with a thick swallow, clearly not expecting you to be this confrontational from the get go. You hadn't planned it either โ but it just came out seeing him like this after so long, knowing he wouldn't have bothered to say anything had you not messaged first.
You probably looked as hurt as you felt, because Satoru could barely bare to look in your face too.
"You know why" he sighed, hanging his head low.
You hated that he was right.
You averted your gaze again, playing with the hem of your shirt as you tried to control your breathing. In and out. In and out. In andโ
"Then why are we even here?" you hissed, feeling the shame deep in your core. You were too aware of the other faces in the cafรฉ, strangers who had no business seeing you get your heart trampled over again.
"Why did you message me?" he challenged.
You scoffed, rubbing your palm under your eye to keep the tears from falling and ruining your pretty make up. The make up you had put on just for him. "You know why" you spat back.
He genuinely didn't seem to know what to say at that.
"Maybe we shouldn'tโ" you started to say, but your body was already pushing up, yearning to leave this damn crowded cafรฉ as fast as you fucking could.
The music was too loud. The voices were too loud. Your thoughts were too loud.
"Don't do that" Satoru called after you, following behind. "Please don't cry" he pleaded, but you only kept your eyes forwards, refusing to acknowledge his existence.
Yeah. This had been a mistake.
As soon as the cold air of the outside world hit your skin again, something warm touched your hand. It was a sensation you easily recognised, or, you should say, used to be recognisable.
Your eyes casted downwards to where Satoru had his palm around your one, holding your hand like you had a billion times. You blinked slowly, coming back to reality, finally dragging your eyes up through his forearm, the curve of his bicep, and finally reaching his handsome face.
Destraught was the only word for how he looked.
"Don't cry" he begged you, holding your palm tighter. "Just please don't cry"
As if the words themselves were some sort of magic trick, you only cried harder.
And Satoru didn't even hesitate โ pulling you right into his chest, letting your tears soak his shirt as he rubbed up and down your back, hiding his face in your hair.
Seeing him that day made everything exponentially worse.
It was never meant to be like that.
But Satoru didn't let you go โ he held on to you while you cried in the middle of the busy street, his own tears streaking down your hair as he just held you. And waited.
Just waited.
Time had stopped for the two of you at that moment โ some kindness from above, as you got to inhale the scent of your past lover again. Cinnamon and vanilla. Sweet and warm.
You weren't sure how long you were held in Satoru's embrace like that, but as soon as the rain was gone and so were your tears, he called you a taxi. And with nothing but an evil kiss to your cheek, he let you go.
You really thought this would be it.
All this time had passed and maybe it was better Satoru had never picked up the phone after all. Maybe it had saved you a whole lot of struggle back when this was all still too fresh.
At least now he knew how much he hurt you, you tried to reassure yourself, as if that could make any of this better. Just some odd sense of pride and vengefulness you were embarrassed to admit.
It was finally over.
So imagine your surprise when your phone pinged again.
DO NOT CONTACT: i leave tomorrow but can i see you again?
You typed yes. The idiot you were.
Satoru came over to your house this time, deciding you didn't want to put all that effort into risking another public meltdown. If you were going to talk, let it be somewhere you could actually talk.
The doorbell rang and you rushed to open the door, revealing his tall frame just standing there.
Hands in his pockets. Jaw locked. Looking too tense for how carefree you knew him to be.
"Thank you for saying yes" he muttered, shuffling from side to side a little like he wasn't sure what should come after that.
And you weren't either.
Should you invite him in? Offer a handshake โ a hug?
You couldn't really think of anything else you simultaneously wanted and didn't want so bad.
You settled for a nod though, and a small step back to allow him passage. A gesture that only further accentuated the growing distance between the two of you.
Remember when you used to jump on his arms before the door was even fully open?
"It's ok" you muttered, shutting the door and that memory tight behind you. "Do you want some water?"
"Yeah, sure" he smiled kindly. Or tried to. To you, it looked too much like pity.
You hated pity.
"So how's life back home?" you asked, passing him the cold glass and taking a seat on the chair. Not on the sofa, or you would risk him maybe sitting next to you.
But Satoru was still just standing.
"It sucks" he admitted wih a scoff. His nose scrunched a little as he looked away, tentative blue eyes finding yours to try and catch your reaction, despite looking so utterly scared of what you might say.
You could have called him an idiot and told him to come back already. But you didn't.
There was no point.
"Getting ready to take over the company?" you asked, thinking back on the many conversations where that seemed like just a faraway possibility. One he hated then, and seemed to be living up to all expectations now.
"Yeah" he sighed, finally pulling a chair and dragging it in front of yours, lowering himself in front of you with those too long limbs clearly sitting uncomfortably. "It's even more boring than I imagined"
"Poor you" you taunted a little, and it made his head tilt sideways into a little smile.
"Thank you" he agreed solemnly, one hand to his chest in mock sentimentality.
The two of you exchanged a brief laugh, more of a sharp exhale than anything else, but for a moment there, the world had shifted in its axis back to where it was supposed to be.
Just for a moment.
"I'm glad to see you're doing well" Satoru murmured, looking down at his shoes instead of you while he said it.
Did looking in your eyes pain him as much as it did you?
"What makes you think I'm doing well?" you scoffed. No point in sugar coating it, was there?
"I just meantโ" he started to say, cutting himself off with a gulp. "I'm sorry, shouldn't have said that"
"It's ok" you muttered, digging your nails into your palms. "It's just been a lot"
"I'm sorry I left" he said. And when your gaze shifted upwards, you were surprised to see those bright blue eyes were looking at you now.
"How many times are you going to say that?" you spat back, with no real bite.
Satoru gulped, thumbs dragging up and down the glass of water just to have something to do. "Until I can forgive myself, I guess" he admittted.
Something in your chest twisted โ was it pain? Nostalgia?
Anger?
"You could have just not done it" you shrugged, voice coming out more accusatorily than you meant. "Or just come back"
You felt pathetic just saying it.
But if he'd be gone the next day โ why not?
You'd probably never see each other again anyway.
"You know I can't do that" Satoru replied through a tight jaw. "I have work, my familyโ"
"You hate your family" you argued.
"They're still my family" he sighed.
You hated his goddamn sense of responsability so much, but most of all, you hated that he didn't choose you.
Where was his responsability towards your relationship?
"If you always knew you were leaving" you started, gritting your teeth. "Why did you get involved with me in the first place?"
Satoru's eyes looked so pained it physically hurt.
"Because I loved you" he answered. "From the moment I first saw you"
You stood up abruptly at that, needing to extend the distance between the two of you as fast as you could. "Loved. Right" you hissed, echoing the words that stung so much to hear.
"You know that's notโ" Satoru stood up too, searching for you with a raised palm but stopping the motion mid air when you turned with that stern, betrayed look on your face. "I still love you. Is that what you wanted me to say?"
โฆWas it?
You closed your arms tight around your middle, holding on to yourself because someone fucking had to. "No" you spat. "You have no right to say that, not when you knew how it would end"
Your words were coming out more and more strained, pitch rising higher with the effort of holding back your tears.
Satoru didn't know what to say. Just stood there, uneasy, hands balling into tight fists.
"You're so fucking selfish" you hissed when the first watery streaks started running down your cheeks, voice shaking with anger and venom. Who cares if your words were harsh โ wasn't that the truth?
Didn't he choose to play with your heart knowing he would leave?
Satoru inhaled deeply, taking your anger like he agreed he deserved it.And when his voice came again, it was so small you could barely hear it above the sound of your raising heartbeat.
"Do you wish we never happened?" he asked, too quiet for how sharply you had just accused him. The words sore, wounded.
You felt yourself gasp, all the breath getting stuck somewhere in your throat as you turned to him.
No. Of course you fucking didn't.
That year with him was still the best year of your life.
You shook your head from side to side, unable to voice those words. Just a pitiful motion, left to right, right to left, feeling the tears fall harsher, drip down to where your arms were still holding on to your middle tight.
He seemed a little relieved, at the very least.
"Me too" Satoru swallowed, and you noticed there was a shine to his beautiful blue eyes. "I'd never regret us" he rasped out.
It was too much.
Like he knew you were just about on the edge, Satoru rushed forwards, pulling you straight into his arms, and you gladly fell into him. His chest felt so snug against your head, his hands so comfortable where they were stroking your back.
Why couldn't it be like this forever?
With a pitiful fist, you tried to push him away over and over, but Satoru wouldn't let you.
"I can't do this" you cried out, each word punctuated by your hands slamming against his chest weakily, unsure of what you were even trying to do.
"I know" he muttered, voice tight in his throat.
"I hate you" you lied.
"I hate me too" he confessed.
"You can't justโ" you sobbed, your hands now fisting his shirt instead. "How dare youโ"
"You said it yourself" he let out a bitter laugh, pulling you closer. "I'm really fucking selfish"
You pushed back just enough to look at him, lower lip bobbing pitifully though your face was twisted in anger and hopelessness.
"You are" you hissed. "Really. Fucking. Selfiโ"
Your words were interrupted by a pair of lips you had only dreamt of tasting again.
Satoru closed the distance so fast you barely had time to prepare for what was happening, but like your body instictively just knew what to do, you opened your mouth for him. Accepting him, inviting him, even if your brain kept telling you this was a bad idea, your body couldn't lie to Satoru Gojo.
"Selfish. I know" he completed for you, voice vibrating against your lips, but your hands only tangled in his hair, pulling him further in.
Maybe you were selfish too.
Was one last night together worth a lifetime of regret?
"Toru" you mumbled, and his hands tightened around your waist. Hearing the nickname fall from your lips like it used to was clearly overwhelming.
"Yeah?" he asked, bringing a hand to your hair to tilt your head further towards him, and you just let it.
Your chests rose up and down in time with each other where they were connected, the rhythm of your rapid breathing serving to deepen this wet kiss, that was only made wetter by the tears that fell from both your eyes.
"I hate you" you lied again, though your hands kept starting to unbutton his fancy white shirt.
"I love you" he replied, helping you pull the fabric away with haste so he didn't waste any more time in touching your skin again.
His hands were splayed on your waist, thumbs tracing little patterns just under the hem of your shirt as you enjoyed how hot his bare skin felt under your palms.
Satoru was still so beautiful.
Why did he have to still be so beautiful?
You brought your hands down to pull your shirt over your head, and Satoru wasted no time pulling you in closer. He fell to his knees, face eye level with your freshly naked skin, as his mouth started kissing your stomach, hands kneading your breasts like any second not touching you was as good as a death sentence.
You moaned, closing your arms around his head to further pull him in, enjoying how he kissed and sucked and bit into your skin, marking you for the last time.
"Toru" you cried again, lowering your head until your forehead rested on top of his.
And then you just cried harder.
It was a full, body shaking weeping, holding on to his white head tight as you cradled him in your arms.
And Satoru noticed, of course. Stopping his lustful exploration of you to just lock his arms around your back, face buried in your chest as he let his own tears flow with yours.
"I'm so sorryโฆ" he muttered again, breath hot against your bare skin, his tears streaking down your body.
You didn't know if you wanted to slap him or kiss him harder.
Maybe both.
You lowered yourself down as he begrudingly let you, lowering his hands to your lower back as you used his shoulders to stabilise yourself.
It was a shock to see him like this โ blue eyes all red, lower lip pushed forward and face wet and puffy. You cupped his handsome cheeks with both your hands, letting out a desperate chuckle at the pathetic position you had put yourselves in.
"Shut up" you muttered, an atttempt at a smile forming in your lips. You brought his face closer to yours, letting your lips touch as you inhaled one another.
This kiss wasn't as desperate or messy this time.
It was warm, lingering, lighting every nerve inside you on fire and making your chest ache for him.
Soon your lips parted fully, tongues meeting in a slow, sensual dance as Satoru began to shift his weight onto you, pushing your body down. You wrapped your hands around his neck, laying down on the floor, both legs tight around his waist.
Satoru hummed into the kiss, kneading the flesh of your tights with both hands, making it so you were squeezing him as hard as you could.
He needed you as close as humanly possible. Hips rolling over and over, while his hands started removing the rest of your clothes.
How could something so obviously wrong feel so right?
You knew this was just another way for your heart to break.
Another memory to cling on to.
A mistake.
But you couldn't stop.
You wanted him, needed him, was willing to throw all sanity out the window just to feel him inside of you one last time.
At least this time you would know it was the last โ and could prepare yourself accordingly. Savour it, take in every moment.
But it wasn't the last time.
It wasn't even the second to last.
Three years went by, and you two would always find a way to meet again. You wouldn't speak for months, until one day you would peek at your phone screen, and there it was.
Gojo: I'm in town next week. can I see you?
You always said yes.
You knew you shouldn't.
But you couldn't help it โ he was addicting, a drug you couldn't nor wanted to get sober from.
You'd meet in your apartment, always the same place.
Have a little catch up while you both pretended it didn't hurt to hear how life was getting on without each other. He would tell you enough, and you would do just the same, never getting into your failed attempts at moving on, and he never went into the subject of other women either.
But Satoru had left to settle down, hadn't he? Was there another woman waiting for him back home? Did she love him as much as you did, completely oblivious to the tormenting string that connected the two of you? Were you his international mistress?
You didn't want to know. You just wanted himโ
And soon enough, your hands would find his, his mouth would find yours, and this vicious cycle would come to a conclusion.
Until a few months later.
Until he was travelling again.
Heated caresses, empty promises and bitter kisses.
When did Satoru start feeling more like a ghost haunting you than the sweet man you so desperately craved?
"Taking me so well" Satoru panted, body caging you in as you so wilfully kept your legs open for him, nails scratching his back like you wanted to leave your mark. "Just like that, pretty, fuckโ" he was huffing all beautifully, lewd moans that always had you wondering if this would finally be the last time you heard them.
"Toru" you cried his nickname like you always did, back arching off the bed, inviting him to wrap his arms around you like he always did.
"I love when you say my name like that" he moaned, resting his forehead against yours. "I love you"
He always said it, but you had stopped saying it back years ago.
Not because you didn't mean it โ maybe now you meant it more than ever. But because you couldn't allow your mind to go there and give yourself hope.
This wasn't really love.
It was a curse.
The most twisted curse of all โ isn't that what he always said?
"I'm gonnaโ" you tried to say, and Satoru moved his hand to your clit, already knowing what to do. Year after year, he still knew how to operate your body so well. Knew exactly what you liked, how you liked it.
And sure enough, you felt yourself clench around him, body spasming as the start of your orgasm started to wash over you, bringing you to a dimension of pure bliss and euphoria for just a few seconds.
"That's it" he praised, kissing your face, chasing his high. "Look so beautiful, baby"
Did he mean it?
You couldn't help but wonder if there was someone else that got to hear these words when you two were not in the same country.
And as Satoru climaxed inside the rubber tight around his dick, you couldn't help imagining there was someone else he was stuffing full of Gojo heirs.
Was this resentment you felt?
That was one word for it, you guessed.
But despite all your ugly thoughts, Satoru never really acted that different. He kissed your face all over, held you tight, shushed you lovingly against his chest while your tired body spasmed. He was the perfect gentleman like always, the perfect boyfriend.
Just not your boyfriend.
"You did so well for me" he said with a kiss to your forehead, brushing your hair away from your face. "Was that all ok?"
You hated how much he sounded like he cared. He did care, right?
But every sweet word felt like a knife, and before you knew it, tears were spilling from your eyes as you curled into him.
"Heyโ" he called immediately, startled. "What's wrong? Did I hurt you?"
You shook your head from side to side, because he hadn't. He treated you so well it was almost even worse.
"I can't" you cried, pulling him closer. "I can't keep doing this" you hiccuped.
Satoru sighed, burying his face on the crook of your neck. "I know, baby" he whispered. "I know" he repeated like he meant it.
You melted into him, embraced by the man you had loved for so long it evolved into whatever this was. It didn't feel light anymore โ it was dark, and sticky, like an uncomfortable void you were unable to move away from.
But what was even the solution?
You didn't want to leave your whole life for him, and he didn't want you to come either.
Were you destined to just keep doing this forever?
"Please move back here" you hiccuped, cursing at yourself for how selfish you sounded.
Everything would be so much easier then.
"Iโ" Satoru opened his mouth, ready to tell you no again. But he only sighed, nuzzling into your hair. "I'll see what I can do" he promised.
And you cried yourself to sleep in his arms, because you didn't believe him.
You woke up that morning with a bad feeling pooling in your chest.
You could have described it as hollow, but it didn't feel deep enough to describe it.
It wasn't so much of a cavin in, but more of an infinite void right in your middle. Like you were a floating head just existing, detatched from the rest of your body, trying to regain balance despite being so structureless.
You could say your body knew before your mind did.
Maybe you had been here enough times that you didn't think it would surprise you again.
You hoped you would have awoken feeling some sort of relief at the words exchanged the night before, the tears both of you had shed about this failed relationship you two seemed unable to let go of.
But you didn't.
Because there was no dip next to you on the bed, no strong arms pulling you into his warm chest.
Satoru was gone.
And you knew what that meant well enough.
You slowly pushed yourself to sitting, already feeling the pressure in your throat, feelings you were already trying to swallow down.
Your hand reached for the phone, eyes briefly scanning through the only text before you let out a long, tired exhale.
Satoru: I'm sorry
And then you were alone again.
based on a true story sobs
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