hello, friends. i know ive been gone for a while, but for good reason. not only did this blog no longer feel safe for me to interact on (for reasons i will not explain), but a while back, i experienced a bump in my life that had a greater effect on me than i anticipated.
sometime early of last year, i fell into a sort of situationship with this guy from my church. we had our good moments and moments where we felt nothing but shame and panic (2 pregnancy scares lol). but as our situation progressed, so did our feelings. well, his feelings first. but eventually, it became a case of "he fell first, but i fell harder".
towards the end of summer, he moved back to mexico, causing our relationship to stall, if just a little. we still spoke and texted and called regularly because i thought i had truly fallen in love with him. and in reality, i barely knew him, the real him. i won't go into detail about how our relationship fell apart but it left me such a state of turmoil that i no longer felt like i was myself anymore. i tried my best to put on brave and happy smile for my friends and family but it was a losing battle. they saw right through me everytime and i spent nights crying until i couldn't anymore, sobbing until i fell asleep. there were moments when i thought my heart was going stop from how badly it ached.
believe it or not, ive been fighting this for almost 2 months. it happened right before the holidays and made the rest of the year painful for me to get through, even if i didn't show it on here. i was going through so much when the new year started. the breakup, starting school again, leaving my job of 3 years; everything was happening so fast and all at once. i wanted to skip this semester in order to heal myself. alas, i just couldn't, prioritizing my studies over my mental health once again. but, in a way, it helped. being in school genuinely helped ease some of the pain. not all of it, of course, but enough to get me through the day.
i may have seemed like i was okay on here, but only because i didn't want more people to worry about me. and because i did not know if anyone cared enough to know i was in a deep state of grief. so i kept it to myself, only letting people who knew me in real life see how much my heartache was tormenting me. it wasnt until recently that i was attacked on my own blog that i felt it was necessary to step away from tumblr. it was sudden and perhaps abrupt but it was the only way i could finally start putting myself first.
though, in doing so, i have missed you guys very much. while i felt relaxed, i kept checking in just to see how everyone was doing, if quietly. and i'm happy to see everyone doing well.
i have been in the process of making my new blog but it's been delayed due to a numerous amount of reasons, one of which being my lingeeing depression. i've also been sick with the flu this past week and just barely recovered. school has had a death grip on me as well, making my return even that much more delayed. my plan was to return this friday before valentines day, but as the day approaches, i'm only reminded of the love i thought i had. i may not return for about another week, maybe even another two weeks. who knows?
i miss being here very much. i miss writing and interacting, but being away has also been a saving grace for me. so i hope to come back when i am in a much better headspace. i hope you'll wait for me and even if you choose to end our journey here, then i hope it was great for you while it lasted as it was for me.
don't worry. i'll be back soon. i promise :)
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