. . .

my blank space, where i shout and no one hears

[angelpics]

when i was younger, i was filled with pride.

i can call it proudness.

but deep down i feel otherwise.

i wish i communicated what i feel properly than wait for the other person or stay angry.

[angelpics]

where art thou, Christmas spirit?

[whereiivygrows]

YOU CANT EXPECT ME TO ACT SANE AFTER THIS.

[angelpics]

2/23/23

Dreamed of Jon again. So clear it seems real.

I rarely dream. And it's the 2nd time in a short time. Weird.

[angelpics]

hope one day i can caption my photos: "happy life", "thank you God. what did i do right to deserve this/him", "could not ask for more".

[angelpics]

2/3/23

Dreamed of Jon last night. It's kind of romantic. Our conversation could lead to something. He is married at this time. Maybe I don't think of that in my dream.

I just realized now that it's our anniversary when we were together in highschool and college. Such a coincidence. I'm not thinking about him these days and I don't take note of this day. Just thought about it now.

I remember that day so well. February 3, 2004 or 020304. Such a nice date, my thought as a teenager. We were yahoo e-mailing since December on my desktop PC and ISP Bonanza dial-up prepaid internet. I can still hear the tone when it's connecting.

We are in-love then. I'm teasing him repeatedly to ask me "that" question or I'll ask him myself so we can mark this date. It was after school. We were, as always, in the sari-sari store at the back of our school eating clover bits. Just hanging out before I go home to cook rice before my mother comes from work.

So, he asked me to be his girlfriend on that day. We were so happy. We didn't kiss yet like on the movies. We were shy teens. It's my boy bestfriend's birthday too so here are my friends fetching me so we can celebrate. They're dragging me. And I look back at you saying bye. Too giddy. No one knew yet we are official. That's how that day went... 19 years ago.

[angelpics]

I am tipsy.

Had a 1/3 bottle of Bailey's.

My narcissist cousin is taking a dig at a sensitive topic he knew i hate.

Why marry? When there's the possibility of your spouse replacing you when you die.

Why make her/him your insurance beneficiary when she'll/he'll only use it to her/his next family?

Take your room. Live at your house. Be the parents to your children.

I hate these situations that I'm not yet in.

Yet this mindset keeps me from taking any step at all.

[angelpics]

Who will have my back now for life...

When my constants, mother and grandmother, are gone. I know they wouldn't leave me no matter what if they were here.

I'm sad and anxious everytime changes that will affect my life happen.

[angelpics]

I'm tired...

It's just no matter how I tried, I still end up unhappy.

I bought diamonds, precious things for that happy feeling because I can't get it from people... and still I am not.

I have nothing, no one to look forward to in the morning (except my cats).

I think everyday of where should I be to not feel this way and be in this situation.

I was a happy, positive, sunshine type of person before. I am not living my dream then. And as of now, I don't have a dream.

Some people are sad for me for not being a wife yet and have children but I can't even feel sad for me. I feel blank. I don't know. I just live everyday.

There's nothing that occupies my mind but just my fears: past, present and future. I am even calm now. Imagine me earlier this year. When the thoughts attack, I felt physical and emotional pains like they happened already in real life. I feel it all, all the pain, anger, self-pity. I feel like I'm on the bottom of a pit and no one can help me. I felt so alone. Thanks that I'm steady now but who knows what will happen with one trigger.

[angelpics]

220817

I dreamed of you and your wife.

I have a non-tolerance for cheating.

And so even in my dreams, I dream of you, and you're with her. Can't even attempt even in my dreams.

But, yeah, I still have feelings for you... in my dreams... or not?

[angelpics]

07 23 22

I miss my baby cat, Scarlett.

I'm so heartbroken.

I don't know how to go on with life.

I'm here again, on a deep pit, where I am when my mom and grandma was gone.

[angelpics]

on this Maundy Thursday, to calm or distract my mind, i watched The Secret Life of Pets... because most films are triggering me.

[angelpics]

040822

i screamed and cried while on the wheels. another breakdown.

[angelpics]

people only say "everything happens for a reason" when it's an advice or when good things are happening to them. a person so down and hopeless would not say that to himself.

[angelpics]

can loneliness be a cause of death?

[angelpics]

[angelpics]

02.01.22

Today, depression hit me again. There was a trigger. My heart felt so heavy like there's a hole in it. How can i escape this feeling. Thoughts came in. It didn't leave me even when I'm asleep. I feel my body physically sick. I have a slight fever and I felt fatigue and hopelessness.

This feeling feels familiar. Many times before. It's black hole of emotions. I utter a word and it would bring tears.