this has lowk turned into my rant acc sorry but i'm avoiding someone on my other apps
i feel so gross and feminine and i'm having a hard time feeling "butch enough" i guess because of my body. i just feel so chopped and womanly. i think i really really need testosterone. but i am scared and i feel so depressed
i used to want it desperately a long time ago when i thought i was a trans man, but i still felt lesbian and so i guess i didn't know that lesbians could be on t, or maybe i did know it was an option but i just figured it wasn't one for me. and i've just been keeping this deep deep down for almost 10 years now and i think now it's all blowing up in my face at once because i heard my voice and it brought out almost a decades worth of feelings about it and now i can't stop hearing it and it honestly makes me panic if i think about it too hard
it's to the point where i physically cringe when i speak and i physically cringe when i look in the mirror and see how feminine my body looks. like my shoulders and my hips and waist and my face. and i can never get the right haircut even if its super short because i can't stand the sight of my face or knowing that other people are looking at it. i genuinely feel like a Creature. i just want to hide in a hole underground so no one can see me like this, besides my sweet femme who is the only thing that still makes me feel butch enough lately
i'm scared to go on t though because i'm scared i'm going to regret it somehow, like what if im just making all this up? or what if it's just like regular body image issues and not dysphoria? and i know that no one is going to understand me and they're going to think i'm trying to be a man and that feels really icky, i don't know. i really don't know what to do i need to do some deep soul searching to figure out if it's the right thing but if it's not i don't know what else i can do. i am so deeply uncomfortable in this skin