Secret System Sideblog

Transitioning this blog over to a system sideblog. Formerly an anti-endo sideblog, i still am that, there just happen to have been other people in my head that whole time.

[angry--crow]

Transitioning this over to a system sideblog. I have things i want to write down in a space that i know that there are others like me who'll get it.

Cw covering this blog for abuse, nothing physical tho. I doubt i'll go into too much detail, but it's a given considering how this condition originates.

It's unlikely that you'll see alters/parts/idkwhattocallthem specifying who they are, as they're all very used to pretending to be me ((i'm not really sure who i am atm, myself or an alter)).

I am still anti-endo but i don't keep a dni, nor do i ((generally)) block. Friendly debates are welcome and i try to keep an open mind, i'm in no way perfect.

[angry--crow]

Hello there… i switched earlier and i haven't a clue who i am right now ((i've been trying to find the positives in all this but it's so hard when my whole sense of identity has been shattered TnT)), so for all intents and purposes i am somebody posting this :] I don't really have a reason to be saying anything here. Nobody really seems to be in the room right now so i can't really ask around. I'm not too sure what i was up to beforehand either but i know i'm gonna immediately forget all i just did ^^

So this is me cataloguing this later. [Host] can write this down somewhere later :]

[angry--crow]

I've been here in the room with Leanora pretty much all day ((to be honest i'm not really sure who "me" is right now)) and been thinkin over some system stuff. And it makes a load really slot itself into place. When she's here i'm annoying and boisterous and i ask too many questions and i'm myself, when she isn't i feel like the "me" that people know and that i know is gone, and whenever i try to replicate that i fail. I always blame it on being tired or whatever else but i know that's not right and i'm never sure ~why~. I'm putting on a mask of me, and failing so miserably! And that me exists but i can't force her into the room.

Another thing i've remembered is when i was training on a ride and i was with someone who was fully trained but not my trainer. My trainer gets back and smth smth smth other person on the ride says something about how we talked for 15 minutes straight and i right said, "Wait we did? I think I completely forgot" or something along those lines. Like my trauma doesn't feel that horrible because it wasn't, i was never physically abused, but this situation feels like when a traumatic situation would happen and i would IMMEDIATELY forget unless i wrote it down. That's also the reason for why i figured this all out in the first place. It's really interesting to figure out, but it's also very tricky. My brain tries to justify all these things that are otherwise unexplainable by me, really akin to that like experiment on split brain (?) patients, but things do stand out. Right now i don't have the money to go to therapy but for now i'll work with what i can. I like these people and i want to learn to work together with them.

I also still can't get over how white bread a name John is. I do think he's so awesome and i'm comforted by his presence and the name makes sense in hindsight, but it's just sooo boring. Just like how Leanora is a princess or Winowna's name feels inspired by Nimona. There are others that make zero sense.

[angry--crow]

I tried to make this post on the 21st, but kept switching and forgetting what i was typing and getting sidetracked, and i don't like how incoherent and fakey that post looks so i drafted it. I don't know why all that switching was happening by any means. It is kinda funny, because shit like that has happened to me before but i've never put a word to it in the past. I never thought to. There were experiences i had that i never thought were out of the ordinary, like how when i was little, i thought everyone was tolerating the loud sudden noises and that was why nobody covered their ears. It helps to have labels to all these otherwise unexplainable experiences i had and it helps to have a path to recovery. And i'm so fucking happy i took it seriously on the 14th, over a week ago, enough to listen to the responses i got when i offered communication instead of dismissing them. I'm not entirely sure who "me" is right now, i'm realizing it's a tricky thing to figure out, especially since i never thought to label it. I still want to go back to normal and ignore everything i knew before, and if i private all my recent posts on this topic, y'all know what happened. But at the end of the day, i'm happy to know about this. I'll update more as time goes on :]

[angry--crow]

I just had so many thoughts that i desperately need to write down before i forget them.

There are so many times that i get mad at myself for hiding all my emotions and for being so blank and unapproachable but with learning i'm a system and watching a recent video i've realised it's from the trauma. I was conditioned to show no emotion around my dad because emotion would get a reaction out of him and he'd know of a new way to torment me. So nearly all of the alters i've met so far are so dry in regards to emotion and all that's because that's how my brain learned to survive all that torment. And i'm so mad about it all because that's not my natural state!! My natural state is to be excited and loud about things, to be emotional and jovial and so fucking annoying, so it frustrates me that i can't be the way i know i can be.

The more i think about this the more frustrating it gets because my entire life has be turned on its head!!

[angry--crow]

Well fuck it turns out i am a system. Hi guys my whole world has been turned upside down and i'm really overwhelmed!!

[feversys]

liking a post and then immediately unliking upon seeing the pro endo tag

[angry--crow]

Where tf did the term sysmed even come from??? I heard someone use the full like "system medicalist" thing over and over today and i'm like. Do they know… we don't call ourselves that? And we never have? And the comparison to transmeds is totally incorrect??? Like i'm not angry i'm just confused. And i'm never for breaking DNIs, i'm just being pedantic here, but whenever i see "sysmed" as part of it and i think like… technically i can interact because that's not what i ammmmm. And i rly doubt anybody calls themselves that either. Yk?

[angry--crow]

If you find my main, please, please, DO NOT CALL IT OUT.

I have (pro-)endo mutuals that i think are awesome ((though i very much disagree with their "identity")) and i don't want them to feel unsafe. I think that you should be allowed to coexist with/be friends with people you disagree with at least to a point, and i know that's a strange comment for Tumblr because dni culture is so prevalent. Exposure to alternate opinions is important imo. Plus i never talk abt syscourse on my main.

Regardless!! This sideblog is secret for a reason, i need a place to interact with and talk abt this content because i've been thinking it and not doing anything for like half a decade. Insult me all you want here and feel free to call out this sideblog!! But please don't be petty, you wouldn't be doing much.

With that out of the way,

here's a mini-intro. I'm not a system because i don't have a CDD, i don't like calling myself a singlet but you are free to. This blog is my place to be angry abt endo culture, but i promise we are not all raging haters — i am in your communities, i exist in pro-endo spaces, you just don't know it because i will never bring it up. I do my best to avoid mentioning specific circumstances and will never name drop, most of this is vagueposting.

I don't keep a DNI, i believe in nuance, but i have strong opinions. I only block distressing tags, bots, and folks who are being a particular nuisance ((ppl who consistently tag for something they're arguing against)). Argue with me.

[angry--crow]

Hey - what would the spying even be for? Like, what would you be doing?

Tbh i do not know. I kinda made that comment impulsively and atp i don't think i have the time commitment :p I know i'm gonna get blocked by a buncha people by making that comment tho which is nice :]

[angry--crow]

thanks for being so vocal about your plans to spy on our server, it really helps us out! <3

You're welcome <3

[angry--crow]

Making a post so i don't seem like a bot

I'll add a profile picture soon but idk what to make it