Julia Nast @angstelixir - Tumblr Blog

I walk, I used to walk cause I walked.

Now it's like a promise made to others, never to myself. To exist, without ever desiring myself. But without a gaze upon me, I vanish.

I give everything—fast, hard— and I burn out in passions I cannot carry. I chase intensity, then I flee.

Drinking, at times, is dropping the mask. It’s stopping the act of being who they expect. I apologize for existing too loudly, I turn my coat at the first shout.

I find myself in my mother, you'd laugh in her silences, her destructive loyalties. She too waited for a medical word to give her permission to leave.

I work to stay upright, but that’s not where I live. I dream of a space without roles, without the need to prove anything.

In conflict, I blur, guilty for trying to be myself. And love, every time, becomes a crack instead of a refuge.

But you still.

My heart, Almost always, I have asked myself lots of questions about the meaning of life. For a period, a little before you were born, I wrote pages on this subject. If I distanced myself from my friends, it was because they had their lives mapped out, or so it seemed to me. I didn't know what I wanted from life. I essentially experienced it like a surfer who catches waves while trying to keep his balance and without knowing where it will lead him. And often, I fell in the water. Luckily, I have always been washed up on a shore. My only points of reference are you, Enora and Emilie. And yet I almost, like bankruptcy, flaw, almost succeeded but failed. I don't think I have much willpower. At least to have will, you must have a goal. I was born into a world where almost everything was easy and everything would get better and better. Peace & Love. But the world is not like that. Humanity is not very human. I'm not a good person. Not enough. And there is no God to redeem us. I only have clumsy love and fears that make me a coward most of the time. A page will soon turn. In a year, I will be retired. What am I going to do with it? I miss you

What We’ve Become

it feels we've lost our way, In shadows where love once held sway. A spiral that pulls us ever down, Where joy now fades and tears abound.

I hear your pain in every word, Your silent cries, your sorrow stirred. Yet when I look into your glass, I see a stranger in our past.

But I know you're the reason for your rain, The source of nearly all your pain. That truth, though cruel, rang loud and clear— We’ve grown into what we both now fear.

I won’t deny the love we knew, The warmth, the laughter shining through. But even love, when caged too tight, Can turn to fire, can dim the light.

You asked for something to believe, But maybe it is time to leave. For what we clutch now wears us thin— In heart, in soul, and deep within.

Our talks of late, like breaking glass, Have shattered trust too frail to last. We've reached the edge, the silent line, Where hurt outgrows what once was kind.

So now, I choose to set me free, Not out of spite, but dignity. To step away, to breathe, to mend, To heal alone—perhaps transcend.

Let distance be the gentle space Where each of us might find our place. No more to wound, no more to bend, But part in peace… and call it end.

We used to be friends

Something She Has To Do

Sa présence incandescente embrase l'âtre de mon être

Ravive mon teint blême, synchrotron de mon coeur

Je lui cris que mon corps lui incombe, silencieuse

Sous tension, incite moi, sans distance

Cède, sois ma cure, suis mes courbes

Orviétan, éreintant, excitant

Leviathan de mes pensées

L'Envie vaine

D'être tienne

Va-t' en, attends !

Milano 2023

L'atonie blafarde, l'air lointain, l'écho du vide, l'entourage du rien. En impératrice masquée, mon indifférence hiératique règne tyranniquement sous un débordement d'activité. Etre dans l'oubli de soi et lutter contre l'oubli de l'autre. Devancer la mort, avoir été et ne plus être qu'entre-temps. Prisonnier de ses propres rets, l'enclume au pied, le corps léger.

Le dasein se délie.