AU where Iwaizumi Hajime and Oikawa Tooru have set out on different paths. Oikawa pursued his dream of making it to the National Team and Iwaizumi Hajime pursued to become an Orthopedic.
They meet again after seven years at an annual reunion and it wasn’t what people were expecting.
“I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.”
-Sonnet LXVI by Pablo Neruda
“Thank you, very much!”
The third years bowed in unison, tears flowing from their eyes as they couldn’t hold back all the emotions that swelled up within them. The volleyball team wasn’t going to be the same without them but the first and second years were determined to live up to their seniors’ hopes and dreams.
Spring blossomed but their hearts were still stuck in winter.
“Let’s all meet each other again, someday.”
________________
HEY HEY HEY IM NOT DEAD AAHAHAHAHA IM GONNA WRITE THIS AND IM NOT GONNA STOP BEATING MYSELF UP UNTIL I FINISH IT SO YOU JUST WATCH ME AND SEE HOW I IMPROVED BEFORE MY PESSIMISM TELLS ME MY WRITING IS STILL SHIT AHAHAHAHAHAHA
Waking up always felt the same, except it’s not entirely like that. I sat up and the first thing I did was to take a look in the mirror to see who I was today. A girl, maybe around nineteen, a redhead, tons of freckles, turquoise eyes, an athletic figure, pretty.
“Allie! You’re taking the bus today, your dad and I will be going to work a bit early today. There’s dinner ready in the fridge, we won’t be home until late eleven, love you sweets!”
I heard the door closing and an engine going off before all went silent.
Taking the girl’s wallet, I took out an ID and read it.
Guess I’m Alison Paige today.
My eyes scanned the crowd for a face that I wanted to see. There were too many students and I wasn’t even sure where to start looking.
“Al!”
I turned around to see his smile. The dimples that poked his rosy cheeks, his chocolate waves that were ever so unruly, how his green eyes sparkled as they bathed underneath the sunlight. He looked at me with so much happiness that I forgot what sadness is.
“C-Charlie.”
“C’mon, don’t want Mills after our tails again for being late.”
I followed him, still in a daze. I knew he was here but I never thought he would be this close. I didn’t even have to go looking for him; he came to me. Like an eager puppy, I became his tail and followed him to wherever this Mills was.
“Took you long enough.”
A girl with messily chopped up hair approached us and threw an arm around me. Her eyes were the darkest shade of browns, it could be mistaken for black even. She gave me a smirk before pinching my cheek.
“Sorry Mills, just caught this girl here looking lost.” Charlie said, going over to Mills’ side.
So this is Mills. The girl Charlie’s been so into ever since day one.
“Lost? You’ve been coming here since you were like, kinder.” Mills said, snorting “You sure you weren’t hooked up on something last night?”
“W-What? Uhm, no?”
She laughed and ruffled my hair, I frowned. I didn’t like it that she was treating me like a little kid.
“Alright cutie.”
A guy came to us and I saw him wrap his arm around Mills’ waist, my eyes glanced over at Charlie who still had that goofy smile on his lips but it was clear in his eyes that he was uneasy.
I glanced at my imaginary wristwatch before I gently took Charlie’s hand and tugged him “Well, uhm, we’ll be going to our first period now. We’ll see you guys later.”
“See ya cuties!”
I didn’t know where I was headed, didn’t do my research. All I knew was that I didn’t like the look in Charlie’s eyes.
“Where are we going, sweetheart?”
I stopped in my tracks, his deep voice sending chills down my spine “Uhm, to first period?”
“We passed by Trillie’s room minutes ago.”
“Oh.” I say, not knowing who this Trillie is nor where her room was nor did I know what our first period even is.
“You’re just trying to get me away from Bryan, aren’t you?”
A weak laugh left my lips “No…?”
“Al, you’re like a sheet of plastic cover, I can see right through you.”
I rubbed the back of my neck and shrugged. He chuckled and shook his head as he pulled me out into the fields.
I bet Alison’s mom and dad weren’t going to like it if they heard their daughter skipped classes.
“What are we doing here?” I asked as I watched him sit down underneath the shade of an old Oak tree.
“Aren’t you going to save this poor lad from a bitter heartache?”
I snorted before I sat down beside him, crossing my legs and leaning back against the trunk of the tree.
“It’s funny though.” He said.
“What is?”
“You weren’t this caring before, it’s like someone possessed you.”
I chuckle nervously, shaking my head “Guess I was an idiot.”
“Duh.”
I turned my head to look at him. He had his eyes closed and he looked, tired.
Why is this Alison so dense?
“What’s wrong?” he asked, and I was greeted with his emerald eyes, their mirth gone.
“You look tired, why? You look better happy.”
He blinked, his mouth opening to speak before he closed it again. And suddenly, I felt something warm against my lips. For the briefest moment that our lips touched, I felt envy. I envied that I’d never get to be Alison again.
“I am tired, Al, thanks for pointing that out.”
“I’m not Al.” I whispered before I leaned in to kiss him again.
I felt his hand reaching up to hold my cheek, feeling his fingers caressing my skin. He held me close and I felt his heart beating, I could taste how bittersweet this is. I heard my own heart beating against my ribcage, echoing.
We pulled back and I stared up at his eyes, they looked back at mine with so much care and adoration.
I wish I could be Alison every day.
“I’m drunk.” I mumbled to him.
“No, you’re not.”
“Sue me.”
He chuckled and he held me close to him, resting his chin on my head “Let’s go to class.”
---
7:00 AM
A sharp pain shot up my spine as I tried to move. Wincing, I looked around and saw I was in a mess of a room. My head was pounding and I felt the urge to vomit. Rushing towards the bathroom, barely even making it, I threw up on the sink. I raised my head up and saw the familiar face of Mills looking back at me.
The ride to school was a blur, literally.
What was she doing last night? I internally screamed, feeling the urge to vomit again.
“Baby.”
Oh no, no, not him.
“Bryan.”
“You okay? You look pale.” He chuckled and leaned closer “Was it because of last night?”
I shook my head and pushed him away, feeling sick. I wanted to go back to being Ali, I hated this body. I hated every inch of it.
“Hey, Mills.” Bryan grabbed my wrist and pulled me back “Where are you going?”
“T-To class?”
“To class? What? Are you kidding me? Dang, was it that strong enough to make you like this?” he looked at me quizzically, his brows furrowed together “Come on, let’s go.”
He started pulling me the opposite direction of the hallways, towards his car and my eyes widened.
“U-Uhm, I’m busy today, Bryan. I can’t come with you.”
His grip only tightened, as if he didn’t hear me. I looked around frantically and saw Charlie.
Our eyes met and he frowned, I mouthed “Help.”
Without hesitation, he jogged over and was in front of Bryan in an instant.
“Woah dude, what are you doing hauling off your girl in the broad daylight?”
I broke free from Bryan’s grip and backed away, Charlie coming to my side in an instant. Bryan eyed the both of us before someone called his attention. He stared for what felt like an eternity before turning back on us and going over to the guy who called him.
“You look terrible.” Charlie said.
“Yeah, I know, thanks. You look great yourself too.”
“Alison.”
“…Alison? What happened?”
He shrugged, his eyes going over to glance at a familiar redhead who was laughing with a group of girls.
She probably doesn’t remember what happened yesterday.
“I’m sorry…?” I said uncertainly, which caused him to look at me with a frown.
“You’re awfully out of character today Mills.”
“Am I?”
He shrugged again and headed off, I followed him, unsure of what to do. We ended up underneath the same Oak tree we went to yesterday. I bit my lip, watching him as he sat down.
“What do you want, Mills?”
“W-What?”
“Every time you and your dude fight, you always come to me. Why?”
I stood there, speechless. I wanted to say that I was the Alison who kissed you, that I was the Yvonne who wiped away your tears that one February night, that I was the Mica who swapped your spiked drink with my own, that I was the Adam who helped you get close to Mills, that I was the Tyler who listened to you rant about your family, that I was the Zia who ended our relationship because I wasn’t committed enough to us and didn’t want you stuck because the Zia who wasn’t me was too selfish, that I was the Xin who told you that you were cute.
That I was a different person every time and I would always go to you, I would always go to you because I loved you the moment I saw you smile and heard you laugh. I would always go to you because you were my paradise and my only hold on sanity because I don’t have anything else but you to keep me going.
“Mills?”
“I-I have to go.”
He rolled his eyes and he shook his head “Fine.”
“I’m not good for you, you shouldn’t be close to me anymore. Stay with Alison.”
“She’s as worse as you.”
I winced, that stung a lot. If only you knew, Charlie, if only you knew.
“I’m sorry.”
I turned around and headed out. It was too suffocating, too suffocating.
I felt like I wasn’t getting enough oxygen, felt too dizzy, felt too overwhelmed.
What am I doing?
“I’m so sorry.”
---
7:00 AM
I sat up, groaning. Stretching, I felt something warm beside me, frowning I shone the light of my phone and my mouth fell as I saw Charlie.
“Charlie?!”
I pushed him away from me, we were fully clothed, thankfully but who was I? What happened?
“Claire, what-?” I heard him groan from the floor where he fell “It’s still too early, come on, let me sleep.”
What’s going on?
He sat up and rubbed his eyes, he looked even more dreadful than he did yesterday.
“Charlie? What’s wrong?”
Looking at me, he chuckled “So now you care?”
I blinked, unsure of what to do. I want to tell him badly, I could see he was getting way too confused and affected by everything that’s happening.
“Charlie.”
“What?”
I love you.
“I’m sorry.”
I love you.
“For what?”
I love you.
“For everything.”
I love you, I’m sorry.
“What are you even talking about?” he asked, frowning as he sat on the bed. I felt the tears falling, I felt my hands shaking. I hate this, I hate myself, this is disgusting.
“H-Hey, Claire, I’m sorry…” he said softly, I still heard the confusion in his voice but that didn’t stop him from pulling me in for a hug.
“It’s always you…” I whisper, closing my eyes as I took in a shaky breath “I’m always finding myself coming back to you.”
He was quiet as I started talking, may as well call me a psycho for telling him who I was before and what I did to him. Would he believe me, I’m not sure, but I don’t want to ruin him.
I finished talking and he was quiet, his hold on me loosened, I couldn’t see his face. I didn’t know what he was thinking, I didn’t know what expression he has on, I didn’t know if I was way too much of an idiot to have let my emotions get the best of me.
And suddenly, he let me go, stood up and walked out of the door.
---
7:00 AM
I woke up, feeling my eyes sting. I didn’t know who I was today. I didn’t want to look. I laid there, staring at the dark. Why is this happening to me? I was so tired of living like this.
Avoiding any mirrors, I knew I was going to be someone from Charlie’s life. This much I knew. Every person I had been, they were all connected to Charlie one way or another.
I was never going to be able to avoid him.
I arrived at school early. There wasn’t much people around yet. Unconsciously, my feet took me towards the same Oak tree in the fields. I sat down and leaned back, closing my eyes and sighing.
Who knows how long time passed until someone tapped my shoulder. I opened my eyes to see two green eyes looking at me, eyes that were full of concern, full of tiredness.
“Uhm, by any chance, were you Claire, Mills, Alison and a lot more in the past?”
I blinked, staring at him.
“Right, sorry, I’ll just-“
“Charlie.”
He looked at me, his eyes suddenly filled with, dare I say, hope.
“Yeah?”
“It’s me.”
Emotions ran through his face but I was able to catch every single one of it. Relief, confusion, sadness, and a little bit of anger.
“It’s you.”
“Yeah.”
“What’s your name?”
I proceeded to take out my wallet to check an ID but I felt his hand stopping mine. I looked up and he shook his head.
“Your name.”
“I don’t know.”
“Are you…a girl or a guy?”
“I don’t know. Would it be weird if I was a guy?”
He chuckled, “I don’t know.”
I shrugged “I don’t know anything about me besides who I am today.”
“So…every day you…change into someone else?”
“Yeah, I noticed they’re all someone who’s connected to you. Who is this girl I’m in today?”
“She’s Eva, Secretary of the school council, someone I only talk to whenever school stuff is involved.”
“I see.”
“Avery.”
I looked at him, frowning in confusion “Avery?”
“Your name, Avery. I’ll call you Avery. You change every day and yeah, you get it.”
A laugh left my lips “It’s weird, I don’t ever remember being given a name.”
“Well, you’re my Avery now.”
---
7:00 AM
I wake up and felt a smile on my face. Avery. Avery.
My name is Avery.
The days pass and Charlie only meant more and more for me. He was everything. He was my ground, he kept me steady, unwavering.
But I know this can’t last.
“Charlie?”
“Hmm?”
“This girl’s family is very loving.”
“Mhhmm.”
“She’s really cute too.”
“Hmmm.”
“Her name is Avery as well.”
He looked at me, eyes showing confusion. I gave him a pained smile as I held his cheek, caressing it.
“Charlie…”
“I don’t like that tone Ave…”
“Charlie, you know we can’t keep on going like this…”
He sat up from lying down on my lap, shaking his head “But I’m fine.”
“I’m not.” I whispered “I love you Charlie but I can’t stand hearing what they say about you just because they’ve seen you going out with different men and women every day. I can’t.”
“Ave…”
“So, listen to me, okay? I’ll make sure that this Avery remembers you. I’ll give her every memory of us. I’ll give her all of my love for you. I’ll let her be your Avery. I don’t know how, but I will make it work. Be with her, okay?”
I felt him pulling me close, felt him burying his head on my shoulder, felt his heavy breaths and trembling hands.
My hands reached up to embrace him and we stayed like that for awhile, quiet, holding each other, trying. Eventually, he pulled back and he cupped my face, leaning in to give me a soft kiss that was terribly, painfully, bittersweet.
“I love you.” He whispers.
“I love you more, Charlie.”
“Stay with me.”
I gave him a nod, and the weakest of all weak smiles.
“I’m here.”
Night crept upon us and I was cocooned in Charlie’s embrace. I felt his fingers stroking my hair, his chin resting on top of my head.
“I won’t go looking for you, Charlie.”
He was silent.
“But please, remember this.” I removed his hold as I turn around to face him. I brushed back his bangs so I could look at him face to face.
“Even if I live a thousand lives, my heart will always be yours, intertwined, never faltering, infinite.” I gave him a smile as I leaned up to give him a kiss on the forehead.
“Because every day, I love you.”
---
??? AM
I open my eyes and sit up.
Everything was bright.
I wasn’t in a room, I don’t know where I was but I felt peace for the first time.
Were you the punk with that angsty text post where Akaashi goes to spike the ball to Bokuto and says his name, only to realise that Bokuto is no longer there? Because if you are, I'm gonna have to fight you.
Okay but guys I really think Yuri couldn't have the strength to leave Victor. A.) He's always worried about Victor leaving him B.) He's said that he wanted Victor to be his coach (or to be his) until Yuri retires. C.) Victor inspired Yuri to love figure skating again. D.) Victor is Yuri's anchor, his stability. E.) Yuri always wants to make Victor proud F.) Yuri bought them two GOLDEN RINGS G.) tHEY FUCKING KISSED H.) THEY. LOVE. EACH. OTHER. And the only explanation I can give is that perhaps Yuri said that because he felt as if he wasn't enough. I know Yuri has problems with self confidence and anxiety. Perhaps he's thinking that Victor will feel embarrassed being seen with Yuri. Perhaps he's thinking he couldn't make Victor happy and proud. Perhaps he's thinking Victor deserves better than Yuri. And I'm thinking that if they do end everything, Yuri will become a mess both physically and especially mentally.
Oikawa: *phone rings* Iwaizumi: *looks at caller ID and snorts* lmaooOO you still call your dad daddy? how cute Oikawa: *accepts call and makes direct eye contact with Iwa* Oikawa: Hey Ushijima Ushijima: *on loudspeaker* hey baby Matsukawa and Hanamaki: *chokes on drinks*
Look at the differences In the first one he's so devastated and that look of pain when he realizes they can't save the ball, he showed emotion probably because he was shocked. In the second one he looks calm, collected and defeated Because he rarely shows emotion and would rather silently self destruct than let it show.
The last time he probably wore that expression was during his parents' divorce. Because he was taught that showing emotions showed that he was weak and vulnerable and he didn't want that. He wanted to be someone better, someone who isn't the small, weak, crybaby Ushijima. So he trained himself everyday, pushing himself to the limit as much as Oikawa had ever done to himself to the point where he was almost hospitalized twice. And now that he finally had the chance to prove to his father that he can be better, that he can do something without messing up, that he can still make his old man proud, He failed. And as he watched the ball go down their side of the court in slow motion He couldn't help but wonder if his efforts of proving that he can be good enough had gone to waste.
"I'll fix you, I'll make that my job." Kageyama whispered to a shaking Oikawa, hugging him tightly as he tried to keep everything in, desperate not to let his tears fall. He hated seeing Oikawa like this, hated seeing him so broken and vulnerable. It was a surprise to him when Oikawa shook his head, leaned back and kissed Kageyama's forehead and said in a voice barely above a whisper "It's not your job to fix me." "But-" "It's your job to hold my hand while I fix myself."
