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roxy 🪄 she/her / 25

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Final grades were released and I finished my fall semester with three As and one B+ (the percentages are 97%, 98%, 98%, and 89%). Chat, should I be proud of myself?

My whole life, I thought that me being good at school was a fluke and didn't mean anything aside from me being good at routine and that I'm not as smart as everyone tells me I am. I was worried that when I went back to college, I would only get average grades, proving that I was never deserving of the honors I've achieved in high school. The fact that I did so well especially while working a full-time job and having full-time classes makes me feel really happy. I don't think I'm a genius — I'm far from it. There is too much I don't know and don't understand. I suppose I'm just happy that I did well. This is something that can quiet down my imposter syndrome, if only for a few moments.

One more semester to go until I graduate! I hope I can keep working hard and finish off the spring 2026 semester strong. Let's hope! 🙏🏻

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Girl, you will never believe what just happened...

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I have been doing so awfully mentally for the past week and it feels like it gets worse day by day. Like why am I suddenly having violent thoughts and thought about threatening to run someone over for taking my parking spot and starting to shake with anger 🫠

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I hate DID, but Andrew's presence today is helping me feel a little more at ease. Idk if what makes him feel different than the other alters is that he's been with me since I was a kid so my brain is more used to him but it's kind of easier to cope with life when he's near, especially because he seems so normal and not full of trauma

I mean I'm sure he remembers bad stuff because he was a kid when I was. But I just mean that it never feels like that's all he is.

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He even made a blog a whole ago :) @vampire-bitten

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I hate DID, but Andrew's presence today is helping me feel a little more at ease. Idk if what makes him feel different than the other alters is that he's been with me since I was a kid so my brain is more used to him but it's kind of easier to cope with life when he's near, especially because he seems so normal and not full of trauma

I mean I'm sure he remembers bad stuff because he was a kid when I was. But I just mean that it never feels like that's all he is.

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Today has been an entire day of "Roxy babysits people and is everyone's mother"

I can't even go to the bathroom for two minutes without someone calling me or texting me or looking for me

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Reading through the content that we are reading through has been triggering my feelings about Jess, I think.

I forgot that the last leg of our relationship had a lot of ghosting on her end, something that I got reminded of via nightmare. We talked every day, and then it started to drop. I would text her and she wouldn't respond for hours. Hours turned to a day. One day turned to two, three, four, a week. She would only ever call me if she needed something, often emotional support. Or an emotional support fuck.

I had a script in my head of what to say to get her off faster so it would be over sooner, my heart was hardly in it. She never asked if I was up for it, anyway. It was easier when I was drinking, I could at least pretend to be into it so she wouldn't start throwing a fit. Otherwise I'd have to listen to her wail over the phone for hours about every trauma and problem she has ever had in her life, about how no one loves her, how everyone is out to get her, how she is simultaneously the worst person and best person to exist. A hell of a lot easier to just shut up, drink, and get it over with.

While we were together, some of our friends developed crushes on me. I never followed through and I always politely rejected them, but she never stopped hounding me about how I was cheating on her even when I provided proof of said rejection. She would break up with me, tell me she never wanted to speak to me again, and then I learned to expect a phone call about an hour later with her berating me for being a terrible boy/girlfriend, and then eventually she would simmer down and she'd declare that she's giving me another chance, where I would have to make some grand gesture to prove my love to her. This was all while she was actively cheating on me, of course.

Good luck to whoever is with her now, I can't imagine she is any better. Or perhaps she is and now she does therapyspeak. She likes following trends.

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Someone on the OCPD subreddit: Oh yeah, this disorder got me hospitalized three times because of severe burnout ^_^

Me, feeling emptier by the day: Wow, that's rough. Can't relate

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I'm so bitter and irritated today

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Today is a wonderful day to be triggered about my CSA and to learn that I am losing my health insurance

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Made a thread on Reddit asking how to cope with constant, increasingly worse dissociation. This comment (snippet of a larger comment) made me tear up so fast ughhh

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My paralegal co-worker asked me how the situation is with my landlord and I told him that he hasn't responded to my email yet. Then he said, "ok, in that case, you should probably collect all written correspondence to show to a judge."

Holy fucking shit. If it actually comes to that, I will flip out.

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I am feeling so disgustingly dissociated, I want to crawl out of my skin

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Ever since I figured some things out about myself, sometimes I'm just existing and it feels like the void in my chest gets more noticeable. I feel very lonely and isolated all of a sudden, like I'm a puzzle piece with no match.

I know the logistics of why all of my alters are men. But there is also the added factor that I'm just a lonely person and always have been.

I'm not one for self-pity and honestly I never think of myself as a victim of anything. I think of myself as someone who had things happen to her.

But thinking about why my system works the way it does is just...sad, I guess. It makes me feel lonelier than ever.

At least I know that my brain is in overdrive about it because I'm struggling right now and have been consistently struggling for a few months.

I also often feel the most dissociated at work.

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I wanna watch something while my laptop charges but everyone has a different idea of what I should watch and I literally cannot choose without someone influencing me. Why am I so dissociated lately (voice of girl who is going through very stressful life events and therefore her brain uses the only defense mechanism it knows)

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Val, after getting the "Sylph" result on a Class quiz that I successfully forced him to take a few weeks ago: This is stupid and inaccurate, congratulations for wasting my time.

Me, watching him relate to Kanaya now:

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Me: Ok, a lot of symptoms of my DID are getting out of hand, maybe I will download an app to help me keep track -

Every app designed to help: Is shutting down

I did download PluralLog after seeing some ppl recommend it which seems to be like SP so I will try it out? I've never been good at logging switches to be honest, I think I'm too dissociated to do that when it happens and obviously not every alter is gonna be assed to do that but something is better than nothing I guess

I will also utilize the old pen and paper. Or try to.

I wish that this was easier to manage. I envy people who have reached the point where every alter is in agreement about symptom management and they just do what needs to be doing, and their switches are more seamless. My switches make me nauseous and give me a migraine. My alters all hate listening to each other and only trust themselves even though we're the same brain and technically the same person :/

How do people achieve good communication? Is it even a thing that's possible with me? It would be so awesome if we could all work as a team but everything feels so divided and switching is like pushing out a huge, constipated shit for hours because my body never feels safe enough to do it but it needs it BECAUSE I don't feel safe but I know most of my alters don't feel welcome and they'd rather avoid conflict but they also want to live life because they're part of me and some have roles to take care of certain things but also I'm the one out 99% of the time and it's scary for me too, to be away for a while and not remember. I don't want to lose my control or disappear forever.

Anyway! Time to finish my homework.

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Val really likes Kanaya, apparently. I think that he relates a lot to her, in some ways. He's always looking out for me, in ways that feel nagging and "meddlesome." He feels like he has the biggest weight/responsibility on his shoulders. He's always cleaning up somebody's shit, and he's not afraid to get violent or assertive if he has to, especially if the person has already been warned politely and they are just not listening. He likes fashion and looking put-together. I notice that he pays more attention whenever we read parts of the comic where she appears.

It's weird. Not that he likes/relates to her, but just that he's a person. I know that DID is not really different people, it's just states of my own dissociation, but sometimes my alters seem extremely unlike me or they have opinions and thoughts that I never thought of. Same brain, though, so I guess that part of me is thinking it.