Hey...can I give you a hug? You seem like you need one.
I didn’t know how badly you are hurting. I had no idea your depression and anxiety is severe and you are struggling so hard every single day. I’m sorry that I didn’t see that. You hide it so well. I don’t want you to feel like you have to hide it from me. I want to help you get through this in the best way that I can. I love you and I’m here for you. If you need to talk about it I’ll listen. If you don’t have the words I’ll sit with you. I’ll hold you. If you need a shoulder to cry on I’ve got you. It’s okay gonna be okay. You’re gonna be okay. I promise you are not alone. No matter what your mental illness tries to tell you...You are loved. You are special. You are important. You wanted. You are appreciated. You are needed. You are enough. You matter. This world would never be the same without you. Don’t give up. You are a warrior. You can and you will get through this. I love you so much.
No matter how irrational. I said the wrong thing, did the wrong thing, people are a upset with me when I know that’s not true. I’m just upset with myself. Anxious that I might have an anxiety attack. Afraid of feeling that level of out of control. I feel it inside of me. I’ll feel off or sick or scared for no reason. Afraid to lay down. Afraid I can’t breathe. Afraid I’ll die. Afraid something bad will happen in general. Tapping my body is a reflex when anxiety makes me feel out of control.
On top of that I am depressed and I have felt this way for so long that it’s basically all that I know. It’s very hard feeling so low and so sad and so hopeless about everything. I don’t know how to explain the true depth of it. I feel trapped in a box and I can see out but nobody can see in. A broken tool expected to fix this broken machine. I don’t know how to want to keep going when I just don’t. It’s not always explainable. I feel unwell in my head and I’m just really fucking depressed and it’s hard. I feel hopeless and like nothing will ever truly be okay. I want to die. I have suicidal ideations but I can’t kill myself. I can’t cause anyone else that pain. So I’ll continue to suffer. Even tho sometimes it’s more like I just wanna feel better. But I don’t know how.
My mind is a dangerous place. My emotions are run so wild I can’t keep up. I feel out of control. I’ll get mad and be snapping before I even realize it. When I’m mad I feel it so strongly and I don’t think about what I’m doing. I feel everything so strongly. I cry so easily. I feel like my tears mean less when I cry so often. They don’t though. The crying spells hit me so hard. I will full on sob for hours. Once I start I cannot stop. I get afraid that something, even small, will upset me or stress me out and trigger tears that are almost impossible recover from. It is very exhausting. I don’t know how to talk about my feelings and it’s more frustrating for me than anyone else. I go through everything alone. Even when I’m not alone physically I’m still alone in my my head. I feel silly and stupid. My feelings never feel valid enough. I never feel valid enough. I’m very sensitive and I feel like I need to be emotionally supported before anything else. I hug my pillow sometimes to make up for the fact that kinda want a real hug. I know I’m alone in my head but sometimes I’d just like to know that someone I there on the outside. Sometimes I need reassurance. I try to tell myself that everything is okay. I try to believe it. It’s not easy to get myself to be believe that.
I don’t like this current arrangement of life. I miss the way things used to be. Sorry not sorry for always dwelling on the past. Sue me for missing a time in my life where I actually felt content. Even if I wasn’t “happy” all the time I just felt complete. Things just felt right. And now it all just feels so wrong.
Within the past year life as taken an abundance of dramatic turns and eras just ended so abruptly. Now everything is so different and it’s only going to keep getting more and more different. Things are never going to be the way they were... never again. That what sucks the most. That’s what breaks my heart. I miss it so much. I just miss it all...
Sometimes I just think about how nobody understands how truly unhappy I am. Just in general. I want to be able to be genuinely happy instead of grossly sad. Life is just too hard and too much and I’ve never been more lost. I just wish I knew how to be happy with myself and my life. I always end up circling back into the same old ruts. I seriously did not think that I would live to this point in my life. Therefore I have no plans and I don’t know what I’m doing here at all...
I’m about to turn 20 and there was a time when I didn’t think I would make it past 18. I have survived everything that I have ever been through. Everything. Somehow (???). I’d say I have been through quite a lot. There are battles that nobody knows anything about. I am a survivor in more way than anybody will ever know. After everything, I’m still here and I’m still me. So maybe there’s a reason to believe I will be okay. Maybe someday I will finally learn to live and not just survive.
Sometimes it’s hard
Sometimes it hurts
Sometimes she tries
But nothing works
She feels so lost out here
She has so much to fear
When night falls
She lets down her walls
She closes her eyes
And swears she flies
To a place where she belongs
A place where nothing's wrong
She has her head in the clouds
But her feet are on the ground
She’s wakes up everyday
But everyday’s the same
She’s wondering when it’s all gonna start
She’s trying to fix her broken heart
She wants to be okay
She wants to find her way
Sometimes it’s hard
Sometimes it hurts
But it gets better that’s for sure
Just close your eyes and try to find
That special place in your mind
It’s not imaginary it’s real
You’re worth so much more than you feel
You can let down your walls
They’ll catch you if you fall
Even when things go wrong
You’ll find where you belong
She has her head in the clouds
But her feet are on the ground
She living everyday
And every day can change
She knows someday it’s all gonna start
She’s going to fix her broken heart
She’s going to be okay
She’s going to find her way.
*I was still high during the time that I wrote this and it’s mostly unedited
I got a little way too high and I went on journey. It was an experience. But I have gotten hold of everything and understand it all so much. Everything is so clear to me and it all makes sense. I just have to control it. And I have control of it and everything will be okay. I call it anxiety and it’s a part of me and i just have to hold on. Hold on to things that are familiar. They are like weights that hold me down. They are familiar and i know them and they know me. They care about me and they would never hurt me. That is what I’m holding onto. Before all of this happened i was somewhere in a world a I know. But then i had an experience and idk if it will fade but I will always remember this. I was touched. Scared but touched. And i think it was a reality check. I need to start from the beginning but it gets confusing real quick.
Its started with maybe four hits. I’ve smoked it many times before. Same stuff. This has never happened before. I started feeling funny but that's what i’m used to. I thought i just felt like everybody else. I was wondering if anyone else felt as different as i did. I didn't think much of it. But i kept feeling it and it only got more intense. I started to feel anxious and anxious thoughts lead to anxious actions. I knew if i was too anxious then i would shake and I would try to suppress it but I couldn’t. I was really feeling it and it was becoming too much. Then I got hold of myself. A got a hold of my brain. Its my brain and i can control it. When i realized that, every thing stopped and it was okay. I realized that I could stop and make it start again. I have control over my emotions. Its was such a realization and i felt like a genius but only to myself. In my mind i was able to turn it on and off so I would feel but then it would stop and i could switch between different feelings and it was the coolest thing.I felt it physically. Laughing felt best so i kept laughing. It was tingly and it kinda tickled. Then it got more intense and i realized that i didn’t have control anymore. Next i know I'm on the floor laughing but the tingling is becoming too much and its taking over. It felt like I was literally disconnecting from my body.
I was conscious throughout all of this. I could see everything that happened around me. I was there but I was also somewhere else. It felt like space. I was trying to hold on but I was being sucked Into the vortex. My mind was holding on but my body was gone. The sensation was explainable but very strong. When i was able to stand back up and sit on the bed it got weirder.
It was like I was in space. I was the sun and Lex was mercury, Sam was Venus and Steven was jupiter. And they were revolving around me. Then there was nothing. I was still in Sam's room but it felt like i was just watching them from a screen from in an outside world.
Then I would feel it again. And it just kept coming. Nothing felt real so the tingling started again. But it didn't feel good. Someone said the word “real” and it instantly calmed me but then the tingling would start again. So I needed to keep hearing the world real so I could stay calm. If the tingling continued then I would almost get sucked back into the vortex. I had to hold on. In my mind i was desperately holding onto to Saturn trying not to fly away. I held onto to Sam. She was like weight that was holding me down. It was like I was in a new world but it was familiar. The water i was drinking was familiar too and the water bottle was like a weight too. I just knew that I didn't want to fly away again so I needed to hold on an keep hearing that it was real. I didn't know what was happening but my mind was searching for scenarios and played out each one.
First I thought that this was what death felt like, you just disconnect from everything but life is still going on.
Lex was feeding me crackers and everyone was talking to me slowly. Idek if I was speaking correctly. I wondered if I caused some sort of damage and this was what mental retardation felt like and this would be my life for now on.
Or I wondered if I had been born that way and this was all I knew. Which is why it all felt so familiar bc it's all I've been doing for my whole life. Being fed and barely able to understand anything thing.
I think those two concepts gave me a strong appreciation for mental retarded people. I felt like that was my life. People with conditions like that are so strong for being able to live that way. I couldn't do it.
I didn't want to accept that reality. I ended up identifying the tingly feeling as something that I and recognized from before. It was anxiety.
That was a reality that I could live in and I felt like could handle it bc I was use to handling it before.
I just had it hold on and keep believing that everything was real and I would be okay. So I did it and I would still get the anxiety tingles. But i had to hold on. I ended up way back in space if I let go for too long. I was holding onto to the rings of Saturn. I didn't wanna fly away.
I had to choose some type of reality to be in and I wanted to stay with this one. I knew the only way to do that was to learn how to control my anxiety so that I would fit in with everyone else. I had to do this because i didn't want to lose control, disconnect and fly away again. I just had to hold onto reality. The more real things felt the less tingles. I didn't know if the effects would wear off or not but if not then this was a reality i was willing to adjust to and learn how to live.
I kept telling myself that it was just anxiety and I can learn to control it.
Eventually things got easier and i could hold on without the weights bc I trusted myself. Everything was familiar and feeling normal.
On the way home I was wondering how this could even happen. I thought it was God taking direct control of me, putting me through this surreal experience to teach me some sort lesson. I went to different universes, I lived different lives and I understand so many perspectives.
When everything was happening i didn't understand any of it but on the way home it all started to make more sense.
I felt like I had lived this whole life before and I knew everything there was to know about what I had already known before I was sucked away. The more familiar everything felt, the less anxiety there was to feel and I could learn to be normal .
Back in our dorm room I explained everything that had happened to Lex and I accepted that this was my reality and I'm too far in to ever go back. I had to learn how to control everything to the best of my abilities and it happened so fast. I knew i could do it but it just took time. Even if I were to let go now I won't fly away and get sucked into the vertex.
As of now I'm back to normal. I'm probably still high but I'm me and I'm all the way here and I've gained my control back.
I have never been so far gone that I literally went somewhere else. This was such an experience. I don't know if it is for better or for worse but it was something. I feel like my subconscious was presented me in a metaphorical way and it was very interactive but only I could see it and feel it. For my own sanity I'm going to accept the fact that this was a high experience gone wrong but it's just so insane how real it really felt. I really went somewhere else and came back and had to mentally relearn how to simultaneous get control of over my mind and body. Our bodies and minds are not connected they just learned how to coexist. We have control over everything if we just take hold grasp it. I hope I don't forget after I go to bed and I hope it actually makes sense bc right now it really means something to me but I'm afraid it will sound stupid later.
You are truly disgusting and you absolutely repulse me. You are so sick. How could you? How could you ever do that? She was a child. An Innocent young girl. Your little sister. My best friend. There is no excuse. No sympathy. No way to make amends. You knew exactly what you were doing and you did it.
Do you feel good about yourself knowing that you took advantage and ruined the life of someone who trusted you and loved you? You have every right to feel bad about it but no amount of remorse could ever come close to undoing the utter damage that you caused. You say you did it because she was there. Of course she was there. That is her house. A place where she lives. A place where she is suppose to feel safe and secure but now she never will because you took that away and filled it memories that cannot be erased. She was not there for your disgusting, perverted, pedophilic, incestual, sexual experimenations. Do even have a vague idea of the scope of damage that your little escapades have caused? Do you even care? You scarred her and some scars never go away. You stole her innocence and you had absolutely no right to take it. That is not something that she will ever just get over. She has to live every following day, month and year of the rest of her life facing the repercussions of YOUR actions. And what do you get? You get on to carry on with no deserved consequences. Now she facing stresses and concerns that nobody should ever have to face. She as to live in wonder of how her life could have been different if you had never decided to do that to her. Any amount of distress or anxiety that you claim to feel is no comparison at all to what you have thrust upon her. She may have the kindest heart and still care about you as her brother, but you more than certainly do not deserve it. I hate you so much and I always will because I know. I know things that I wish I never had to hear. I know things that she should have never had to ever experience. I know that you have engraved so much pain in her that no amount of words, comfort, support or therapy can ever truly heal. You are a nasty, despicable guy who made the conscious decision to molest his younger sister and I don't know how you live with yourself.
Every fiber of my body hates what you did to me...
Every piece of me is so angry and hurt. Every single little thing in me feels broken. My life will never be the same again and it’s all because of you. You’re my older brother and you were supposed to protect me, but instead you hurt me. You became the attacker. You became the monster. I’ll never be released from the prison you trapped me in and you will never know how hard this is for me.
You will never know how hard it is for me to separate the brother that I love and care about from the monster that squeezed me so tight until something inside me just broke. You will never know how often I struggle with how I should move forward. In the world full of hatred and despicable behavior, you allowed yourself to be one of them. Because I was there, living in the household with you, you thought that it was okay to treat me the way that you did. You will never know how hard it is for me to watch others get justice and watch their attackers go away. You will never know how hard you made things for me. You will never know how I will feel if I allowed what happened to me to happen to someone else by not speaking up. The fire that you ignited deep in my soul can never be extinguished. I feel like I will never stop being so angry. Despite the pain and hurt that you caused me for all these years and the unexplainably deep wound you cause, I know that you too face struggles. I know that you’re facing a deep pain right now and that you’re angry too. That was an unfortunate event, but nobody did this to you. However, I still care about you. I hate that I still care about you, but I do. I love you for the brother that you are and the brother that you never were. I’ll love you through all of the highs and through all of the lows. I just wish I knew why you never loved me. You could tell me all day that you love me and care about me, but I don’t think that I could ever believe you. No matter what you say to me I will still feel like that little damaged girl who you broke. You will never know how much time I spent doing research on sexual assault and sexual abuse and incest. I don’t care what anyone says to me, you knew exactly what you were doing and I hate that you did it anyway. I hate that you tell me that you feel sick about what you did to me. You don’t have the right. I feel sick. I feel sick trying to wrap my head around what happened. You will never feel what I have felt. Trying to describe the pain that I go through everyday is so hard. I don’t even know how to begin to put everything into words. This is a small snippet of what I feel. I cannot even fathom trying to put everything into words because it never ends. I have become crazy trying to make sense of everything and make my whole life fit into this little box where all the puzzle pieces connect but they won’t and they never will. Somehow I still don’t hate you, I will never know how I can care about you as much as I do. There is literally nothing I can say that is making me feel this way. I guess I just didn’t alway what you did to me to turn me into a cold-hearted person. As much passion I have for stopping people like you, I care how you are doing. I care what you’re feeling. If it were up to me, I would want you to die in prison and rot in hell. However, I cannot choose how I feel and this absolutely isn’t how I feel. If I could control your life, I’d give you your dream job and your dream home and I’d make all your dreams come true because somehow I want you to do well. I don’t think that you’re destined for greatness. If you worked a dead end job that you hated your whole life then I wouldn’t even be the slightest bit surprised. Somewhere deep down I believe that you are capable of making the best of your life. I think that you can make your dreams come true. I don’t think the same is true for me. My life will never be the best that it can be because you took me and you stepped on me. In the grand scheme of things, I was the smallest fly and you were the biggest elephant and you stepped on me. You crushed me. You did that to me all on your own. Somehow, I rose from the dirt. I’m trying to make a name for myself while you try to make everyone sorry for you. That means in the end I’ll win. Who knows? Maybe I’ll get tired. I’ll run out of steam. Lord knows I ran out of hope a long time ago. Maybe you’ll pick some up. Maybe you’ll realize that this is your life and you’re on the fast track. I’ll be a crushed little housefly, cheering you on from the sidelines, with no hope left for myself, but plenty left for you. It funny isn’t it? I don’t believe in myself but I believe in you. That is true today. I sit here and I type this running off of the hope from my friends and supporters. I could run out any day now for me. But I’ll always believe in you.
