The life of an Annonymous Student.

Third year uni student, starting a blog after my friend's convinced me these stories don't infact happen to everyone...who knew? Enjoy!

[annonymousstudent]

Viagra speedbumps.

Being good friends with the rugby team of course has its benefits, such as pretending one of them is your boyfriend when your being hit on by a creep and the occasional piggy back ride when your heels are hurting or your just that pissed your legs have as much use as textiles degree.

But then of course there are downsides, like getting caught up in a prank intended for someone else which is exactly how my Wednesday night panned out!

Popped down my pint of cider on the table and nipped to loo, returning to my seat and started drinking, some of the less familiar faces in the team began to laugh and point. Checked there was not toilet roll stuck to my shoe, nope!  or my dress tucked in my knickers? No, not that either!

Gradually I be began drinking faster and faster realizing I wasn't nearly drunk enough to be dealing with all these new faces, especially now they were all looking at me!

My glass was swiped from my hand as my best mate screamed at me..."That was the wrong pint!!"...I had just drank half a pint of Viagra intended for one of the freshers being initiated.

Can you guess how the night ended?...unfortunately face down asleep on the sofa of the rugby union house...FULLY DRESSED!!!

Climbing in the rugby presidents car the next day, of course I was horny as a porn star on heat after necking a horse dosed amount of Viagra intended for a hormonal, 18 year old, spotty, virgin fresher! "Speed bump!!" he shouted as I lifted my head off the dashboard in preparation, but I was not expecting that...

Turns out girls, if you drink enough Viagra, even a speed bump can make you close to the brink of orgasm, closer than many men have got!! 20 minutes later after a car full of hysterical laughter, a few awkward silences, new nicknames, phone calls to the rest of the team and a reroute on the way home, I was enjoying a few more speed bumps...but over a ski rep...not the main ring road through town!! 

Love from your Annonymous student x

[annonymousstudent]

Mr. July - Take 2

I'm sure you remember the awkwardness of the fireman, even if I'm trying to forget it!! At work one Saturday night in a popular bar in town, one tequila, two tequila, three tequila...more?

Turn to serve my next customer and I my brain couldn't quite multitask between checking him out and thinking of something appropriate to say. Words that I said to him...'Holy fuck!'

There he is, Mr. July the fireman in his tight shirt, muscles bulging, perfect smile and my already drunk jaw sitting on my cleavage! Stood next to him is his trusty sidekick and then...my wingman, who was poised and ready with her camera, predicting correctly I would embarrass myself. 

He saved me by starting up a conversation, suggesting we go for a drink when I finish work. Thinking with my head and not my knickers, I politely declined and explained I would be working until about 3am, but also to save my self the horror of going through the whole clothed ordeal again! My boss after realizing who I was talking to took it upon himself to shout across the bar...

"Nah it's not that busy anymore, you can finish your shift now if you top up my beer first and actually fuck him this time!" 

5 minutes later and a few swear words whispered to my boss, the bar applauded me as I walked out with the fireman, the sidekick and my friend who would no longer be using my staff discount if this all went tits up again! 

six tequila, seven tequila, eight tequila....mine?

The bed was broken, clothes were thrown up and down the stairs, I had skin under my nails, the neighbors were woken up, the housemates were getting a running commentary, we were covered in bruises, paint had fallen off the wall where my bed had hit it and most importantly...fireman fantasy restored! 

Love from your anonymous student x

[annonymousstudent]

Mr . July

Uniform, tattoos, muscles, big smiles and a sense of humour are just some of the things in a man that make me go weak at the knees, besides tequilla of course! So when fireman who looked to be hand crafted by God himself walked in to the bar, you can imagne the rate at which my breathing turned into that of an overweight asmatic trapped in a burning building!

Feeling ballsy after squeezing into my size 10 skinny jeans and 5 double vodkas down, I slapped my friend on the rear, pointed in the direction of said fireman and his rugged sidekick and the wingmanning began! Rearanging our clothes to show a bit more clevege than necessary and checking our hair as we walked, it was game on for the girls!

Fast forward 6 hours and I’m lay in bed in silence, with several layers of clothes, between me and a man who turns out to be Mr .July on a hunky fireman calender my Mum happens to have in our kitchen! I have to say, this whole dressed, silence, spooning thing we have going on is very new to me…and I dont like it, not one bit!

Lying next to a Demi-God in bed has never been awkward for me, as I’m usually naked and have a huge smile plastered across my face, but this…this was just outright awkward! Especially when he called me cheeky monkey, laughed and patted me on the shoulder after suggesting he left…

My friend had a spark with the sidekick and was currently in an unknown location riding him like a firetruck…with the lads joint house key in his pocket…brill!

You can keep your hose to yourself…Fireman fantasy OVER, bring me the Police!!

1 - 0 to the Wingman

Love from your Annonymous Student x

[annonymousstudent]

Chilli lube.

Sneaking out of a night club with one of my best friends isn’t as easy as it sounds, especialy when we’ve been teasing each other all night amd the tequilla was starting to affect our legs! After being spotted 3 times and using various excuses such as ‘I thought the toilet was this way?’ And ‘we just wanted to get some air’ we finally made it into a taxi and back home!

Stripping each others clothes off on the stairs to his house got us some attention from passing commuters but at this point they were just lucky we wern’t already going at it on the front patio!

Straight through the door and to his room, with him being rediculously gifted in the pants department, (lucky me!) It means lube is usually a must. Grabbing it off the side while undoing my bra we didn’t look at the bottle, and of course in the heat of the moment why would you?

Mistake!!!

There was a sudden rush of heat and pain running down my legs and up into my stomach, I froze and immidietly realised which bottle we must have picked up! Alerting him and both panicking like hell we decided the best idea at 7am when pissed and as horny as a pornstar in heat would be to counteract it with the cool tingle type instead! Luckily for me my allergic reactions dont usually last much longer than 20 minutes or else I would have been in some deep danger!

Moral of the story…throw away the novelty chilli lube from secret santa, if not you end up cellebate for 2 weeks…or atleast until I could sit down again without bracing myself! 

Love from your Annonymous Student x

[annonymousstudent]

Red handed.

'Bye!' The greatest thing I have heard in months! Since the flatmates moved back at the start of August! I was alone so naturally I had a “friend” of mine come round to keep me company and it wasnt long before we were both naked and sprawled across the kitchen table. BOOM…the kitchen door was slammed open behind me and in walked my flatmate, who was surpose to be in London ALLLLL weekend!!! Awkward doesn’t even come close to the situation I was in with my virgin flatmate. This was as I was later told to be his first actual encounter of anything close to sex (that wasnt on a video screen!!) And it was me straddled across our old neighbour on our kitchen table at 1am on a Friday night!! Fuckin brilliant!

This is now the second time we have tried it in a different place, and consequently the second time we have been caught! I highly reccomend double checking the flat before stripping off in the kitchen…you never know who you may scar for life! ;)

Love from your Annonymous Student x

[annonymousstudent]

Neck brace.

When women get dumped their natural reaction is to cry, put on weight through comfort eating, complain and hibernate until a few weeks and a few stones down the line they crawl out of their room and fall straight into another fake doomed relationship…but that’s just not me!

I on the other hand tend to get over a break up by getting under several other men whilst being a grade A bitch…and I love it this way! However this one particular time I met someone doing the exact same thing as me, lets call him ‘Captain Rebound’!

He was my typical type, tall, dark hair and muscles that look like they have been inflated! With bitch mode in full swing and already being thrown around my room like a rag doll by this hench, rough, personal trainer I wispered in his ear the words that I most regret…’is that all you’ve got?’

It was not by any means all he had.

I sit here writing this with a neck brace on, I have now torn a inch thick ligament in the front of my neck as well as 3 small ones in the back.

Word to the wise…never be an arsehole to someone who is also fucking their way through their own rebound…especially when they are much much bigger than you!

Love from your (injured) annoymous student X

[annonymousstudent]

Seriously?

Now we have all heard the rule ‘if you’re in a different postcode area then it’s not cheating’…amazingly I would have preferred this excuse to the one I received after being cheated on with a cheerleader slut but instead this was the answer I got…

"I fucked her in the garden because if you go into their room that's cheating isn’t it? So technically it doesn't really count."

Pardon? The part where you had sex with her is where you went wrong! Ladies, please educate your men on the do’s and don’ts of cheating, I’d hate for the poor bastards to be confused any further!

Do keep it in your pants. Don’t do her at a mutual friends party. Do learn what cheating is. Don’t come back to me. Do get a STI check. And finally…NEVER forget how good I looked naked! ;)

Love from your Anonymous Student x