“If something did happen, it happened. Whether it’s right or wrong. I accept everything that happens, and that’s how I became the person I am now.” — haruki murakami | kafka on the shore
Any tips on how to spice up the bedroom? Like positions or things to say? I just started seeing someone new and I aim to wow in the bedroom!
Oooooooh okay first off i am ON THE FLOOR that you came to me that makes me so happy! That said, I am positive you are "wowing" your partner just by being so game in the bedroom!
Here are my two number one tips that I'm sure you know but it also sometimes takes years of knowledge before you really implement it (and it can be hard for me to do this too, I'm just better at actualizing it the older I get):
Communicate!
Take away orgasm as the goal!
(i'll cut just for the tmi details and extra advice)
Okay I know you asked for specifics, which i will put at the bottom, but any specific advice about positions/phrases is a speck of dirt in comparison to mastering the two above things. If you can do that, you will have all you need.
Also both of these things go into each other, but here's my attempt to separate and elucidate:
What I mean by number one is this: discuss sex with your partner before you have it and really tell them that you care about communication. you WANT to make them feel good and so you need them to tell you what they want and what works and what doesn't while you're doing it. and adjust and learn as needed! and you expect the same from them. and you have to give it too. be honest in what you like. you know your body. but also i've learned so much about what i like from partners. they'll do something i'll love and then i'll inform future partners to do it too, so just be honest and game.. embrace it openly!
(my three examples for this that i'm only putting them bc i think having specifics can help seeing the bigger ideas like capital-C Communication in practice)
when men used to hit my cervix it would hurt so badly and i thought it was something wrong with me or the angle (i didn't know what it was, it was just suddenly a position would HURT) and then one day a partner who was well-endowed, and thus probably had to deal with this a lot, told me to tell him when my cervix had stretched enough for him to fuck me hard -- and it changed EVERYTHING about what i was doing once i understood that. and so with future partners i am so much more comfortable telling them that it hurts until my body has better adjusted to accommodate them doing that. it's a small thing in the scheme of sex but now that i know it, i have better sex because i have an explanation and the confidence in saying it.
i need men to go down on me and when i was younger (not even that young, still like late 20s) i would cross my fingers for it but wouldn't often tell them i needed it, but now i am up front that i expect it every time we have sex. and part of that (which i'll discuss more later) is being comfortable telling them what is working and what isn't. i still struggle with that and still can sometimes feel bad when they're trying and i'm struggling to cum, but then i will relax and be honest about it and it ONLY helps. Related to that, I tell men to let me blow them how I want -- let me take my time and tell me what they like. fucking my mouth is FINE, but i want the opportunity to take it at my own pace first. and i've only ever heard rave reviews (some guy i had once hooked up w a few times texted me recently and said i gave the best blowjobs this side of the mississippi and then i was like "oh that means i need to go conquer my western competition" he was like "nah that was just a joke it's really the best ive ever had anywhere in the world) which is all just to say COMMUNICATE about what you need and make sure your partner is talking too!
recently i told a guy about a position i didn't like (we were discussing sex over dinner) that men tend to love bc they feel like it gets them deep, but it cuts off my own access to my clit. and i kind of said it in passing, but later when we were sleeping together he started that position and then literally stopped the sex to move so we were still IN the position but then, silently, he reached for my hand and moved it to my clitoris and made sure i could touch myself before he resumed. it was in the top 3 maybe hottest things that has ever happened to me -- the hotness being that he HEARD me and took it in and then adjusted his own practice to ensure my needs were being met even just by me having said something somewhat flippantly.
Now I recognize all these examples are me communicating about my own needs, but, and I cannot stress this enough, if the sex is good for you, it is good for your partner!!!! If you are open and receptive about your needs, and force them to be the same, they will have a MUCH better time!!!! Ask them what works. I have had so many men tell me: "it all feels good" and it annoys me and i will literally stop until they use their words to be detailed and then when i adjust to that they have an incomparably better experience.
DEMAND COMMUNICATION!
OKAY my other piece of advice (orgasm =/= the goal) is advice i got from the queen of my sexual practice, Jenny Keane, (i'll discuss more below) where she advises that you don't spend the whole time just trying to climax. if you're always chasing it, it takes away from the overall experience, and it sets sex as some specific goal-sport, which it isn't. it's an interaction between people. orgasm is obviously what feels "best" but if you or your partner can't finish, it doesn't mean the sex failed. i've cum with less-than-mid sex, and yet have also failed to finish with the best partner i've ever had! And I'd choose the latter every single time!
it also means to stay out of your head and to move in a way that feels good. so if something is feeling good, even if you aren't feeling the building blocks of orgasm, that doesn't mean stop what you're doing. just embrace the moment! do what feels GOOD because it feels good, not because you're trying for this specific "end" and putting your weight on having this conclusion instead of just embracing the moment. Plus your orgasms are ALWAYS better when they're brought about naturally instead of being forced/desperately finding and chasing it!
This remains the hardest piece of advice for me to follow. I forget to all the time or get too in my head, but when I am able to remove orgasm as this "goal" I genuinely have much better sex just feeling my body in a more essential way. Please put effort into releasing orgasm as the end-all-be-all.
And, as above, if the sex is better for you, it is better for your partner. if you can come together openly with the purpose of intimacy and feeling good, the sex will be much, much better for both of you.
***
ALL this also comes on the shoulders of me having confidence in my blowjob skills. I have always been good at oral sex in that I'm game and I enjoy it, but then I took Jenny Keane's blowjob workshop and it CHANGED my game. And just having huge confidence in what I'm doing ups the entire sexual experience for me because if I'm nervous or unsure or anything, I know I am making someone feel really, really good in at least one skill. Having a skill I know is hard to match gives me so much confidence to do the other things, like communicating about oral sex being performed on me, etc. And if I ever am in a situation to go down on someone with a vagina, I'd be relying significantly on her workshop for cunnilingus (in addition to communicating with my partner nonstop because im so nervous and have zero experience eating girls out).
Which is all to say that having a skill I know is pretty unparalleled is a MAJOR MAJOR confidence booster that allows me to do the rest well too!
So if you're looking for a specific technical skill in the bedroom to "wow" then I cannot recommend taking her workshops enough! She's wonderful!
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Okay now to finally try to touch on some specific specifics (though again, it'll come to you naturally if you're doing the above (communicating/seeking pleasure instead of seeking orgasm (also in hindsight ive written almost all of this assuming you have a vagina and are having sex with a penis-owner, so the following advice is geared to that? im sorry i dont have experience w anything else))):
Every man I've slept with LOVES reverse cowgirl. I enjoy it (and it's easy for me to do for a while) but it's not my fav. But I've never had a man just mid enjoy it -- they all love it. And don't do it as often as others. So it's a good "special" skill.
Do it so they have their knees bent and your legs are tucked beneath them. Then the movement is off your quads and more a back and forth with the weight on your hands, so it takes the strain of work off you. ((EDIT: i added a pic (like a diagram from the internet, not real people, and tumblr violated me, so i guess dm if you need more description))) (also if you want you can do this straddling one of their legs and then grind your clit against their thigh, which feels great, but overall i think the first version is better -- but do both!).
Also MOVE yourself! It feels best to me, at least, but I know men also love it, when I keep trying to move too (trying to match their thrust), even when I barely can given the position. That feels best!
Oh also if I'm not out of my head (like if we're at a point where we're just feeling good, not moments from orgasm), I will work to try to squeeze around them on the upswing (at the end of each time they're pulling out in the thrust). i said "up" bc i'm still imagining you on top, but it can be anytime when they're on the pull out, not push in. i know partners in the past have liked that. work your kegels!
"things to say"-wise: i also have learned how to sext honestly from practice and am good at that! and i mostly just know i send good videos and pics which helps. but talking to them about what feels good and what i am imagining doing to them/them doing to me, in detail, is great. once i kept having this specific fantasy about someone (what i was wearing, what we were doing in order of how we did it) and he took it to heart and actualized it after getting off to it too in his own fantasy and that was a huge thing that worked for both of us! sexting helps!!
but that's also all i have in way of "phrases" to say. apart for asking for what i want/asking my partner what they want, im not creative when it comes to speech while engaging in sex. a lot of yes, god, fuck, etc., oh ALSO when someone says your name a lot, it's a game changer (but ive also just learned that and have yet to put it into practice on my end) so maybe try that!
OKAY OKAY that was a HUGE response that i am absolutely praying you find use in!!! not all of my anons write me back but please please let me know if you incorporate any of this and how it works for you! i would LOVE to know if any of my advice is worthwhile or if it is all for naught.
sending alllllllll the good vibes for your future sex life in this new relationship! godspeed my friend!
when kafka said ‘you wouldn’t believe the kind of person I could become if you wanted it’ and when brontë said ‘if you ever looked at me with what I know is in you, I would be your slave’ and when Sartre said ‘if I’ve got to suffer it may as well be at your hands’
When Everything Everywhere All at Once said “The only thing I do know is that we have to be kind. Please, be kind, especially when we don’t know what’s going on"
When the Good Place said “Why choose to be good every day when there is no guaranteed reward now or in the afterlife… I argue that we choose to be good because of our bonds with other people and our innate desire to treat them with dignity. Simply put, we are not in this alone.”
When Jean-Paul Sartre said ”‘Hell is other people’ is only one side of the coin. The other side, which no one seems to mention, is also ‘Heaven is each other’. Hell is separateness, uncommunicability, self-centeredness, lust for power, for riches, for fame. Heaven on the other hand is very simple, and very hard: caring about your fellow beings.“
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