Hello! This is not an ask and not story-related (I read your stories btw), but I just wanted to ask something because I don’t really know who else to ask. . . well— I look up to you and I don’t have friends. Really.
Is it bad to feel jealous of your siblings?
I’m the middle child, not really rebellious (my relatives doesn’t like me just because I stood my ground always), and I feel so painfully average compared to them. They’re both doing really well in university and are among the top in their programs, while I had to stop for almost two years because of financial problems— Yap, I stopped so that my siblings can continue studying, and now I’m finally going back to university/school.
I hate this feeling of jealousy because I know they worked hard and deserve their success, but at the same time, I keep comparing myself. I’m scared of my future (because who will help me if I fail?), scared that I’ll fail, and scared that I’ll never catch up.
Ever since my dad passed away, my mom has been supportive and really wants me to finish school. But yeah, my dad was always the one who had my back, and after losing him, everything started to feel heavier.
Please don’t get me wrong— I love my mom SO much. It’s just that sometimes it feels like she has her favorites, and I’ve kind of accepted that. At the end of the day, she still provides for me, gave me a home, food, clothes, and continues to support me in her own way. I don’t have the right to be ungrateful.
My older brother and I fought before too, and he said things that really hurt me. Ever since then, I’ve kept wondering if maybe I’m the problem. Part of me thinks maybe it’s because my dad favored me when he was still alive.
Anyway, if you read this— thank you! Your stories are really helpful, makes me forget my problems and escape from my harsh reality.
I am really touched that you feel okay/interested in reaching out to me, though I promise you have people who care about you and would care in your life that are better equipped to assist. I'm in no way saying don't write me -- I'm always here and available to help in whatever way I can (which I know isn't much!) -- but just want to assure you that people in your life care.
I also want to preface that I don't think anything you're saying is wrong or that you're feeling about it is inherently wrong, but also there is only so much I can advise and I really recommend talking with a professional about things like this. I always recommend in-person help, but if that's not available, I adamantly recommend looking for online therapy just for someone to help work through everything and reason through how to approach everything going on with your family. But in the meantime, I will try to respond!
To answer your q: No! I don't think feeling jealous of your siblings is wrong at all! If anything, it's a lot easier for you to be jealous of them in a Real Way than some other random person -- your siblings, in most ways, have the same opportunities (same genes) as you, and so I think it's easier to see your failures as faults of your own in a starker way than just comparing yourself to someone else who had a different life/dif opportunities than you. Feeling jealous of siblings is completely natural and completely understandable. My brother is basically my best friend (we talk every day), and yet I have crippling jealousy about certain aspects of his life in comparison to mine. I don't think jealousy is unhealthy. But I do think when it starts affecting your relationship with your siblings in tangible ways (and when it affects your own feelings of self-worth), it's something that should be worked on and worked through professionally.
Also, let me just emphasize, where you feel you're lacking, you're absolutely making up for in other areas. You may not be as close with your other relatives as they are, but it sounds like you always stood on your principles whereas your siblings maybe didn't. Where they have a closer relationship with your mother, you had one with your father (whose loss I'm sorry for, by the way). Where they went through the regular trajectory of school, by taking time off, you are going in with so, so much more life experience than they had. You are going to get different things out of school, and, I promise, more things than they did just by going at a slightly older age. There is give and take in everything. And there is no wrong answer here as long as you're moving forward.
It may help to speak to your siblings too about your fears (in addition to telling your brother he hurt your feelings). Letting them know what you're scared of -- that you love them and are proud of them, but also are feeling as though you'll never accomplish those same things and will fail at what they succeeded at... I am sure they aren't feeling the same way and will be able to see your trajectory more objectively.
Again, my recommendation here, for what it's worth: talk to a professional! Talk to your siblings! Let me say, again, emphatically: You are not wrong for feeling jealous! It does not mean you love anyone less! It does not mean you're not proud of them! Feelings don't exist in some vacuum, coming at you one at a time. We are capable of layered thought. Both love and jealousy can (and always do!) co-exist. Jealousy is a by-product of admiration anyway, and usually the deepest kind of it comes from love and pride. You should NOT feel badly for being jealous of your siblings, but if that jealousy is impeding your relationship with them or within yourself (which it sounds like it is), then you should seek professional help to work through some of it.
I read an interesting New York Times article on sibling rivalry/parenting last year that I am attaching here (paywall free!), and recommend everyone read it for their own interest!
I don't know how much anything I can say helped or will help, but I will keep my fingers crossed that you continue to succeed in school or in whatever path you end up going down and know that I am here if there is anything I can do on my end. Thank you for trusting me as someone to reach out to in the first place! I am sorry you're going through this. Please keep me in the loop.
