My Notebook

I am in constant need of little notebooks. I carry one with me at all times. I have 3 pens to every notebook and a steady flow of thoughts.

[anoeuv-anthology]

01.05.18

You told me “I’m crazy about you” about a hundred times

But in my heart,

I know you loved only her.

[anoeuv-anthology]

I am sexually comfortable,

Not a whore.

I am strong-willed,

Not a bitch.

[anoeuv-anthology]

09.18.2017

I can’t help it. I just really love him.

[anoeuv-anthology]

I type it in.

And then erase it.

You’ve tested my limits and patience to no bounds

“I can’t do this anymore.”

 I don’t want us to end.  At the same time, I do.

“I can’t give you anymore chances. I can’t continue to wait while you say you’ll put in the effort and then you don’t”

I want to end it.  I need to end it.

I start to type, “I’m letting you go.  Good bye.”

Simple. Straight to the point.  Done.

But I can’t bring myself to hit “Send.” 

Here goes another unspoken confession saved to “Drafts.”

[anoeuv-anthology]

Years of being madly in love Makes the girls want to be tied down forever in holy matrimony And when that desire is unrequited, That's when it takes a turn for the worse. Somehow these men think it's better to leave completely. That's why I never wanted it. I never wanted to be one of those girls.

[anoeuv-anthology]

In the end, This will either be the greatest lesson I've learned Or the biggest regret of my life.

[anoeuv-anthology]

We're holding on Even though we know we deserve better Because we don't know what else to do. After all, losing you would make me miserable Which is a greater pain Than staying and being miserable with you.

[anoeuv-anthology]

Every little fight and disagreement I want to leave you And every time feels like I've finally come to my senses And have the courage to do so. But then when the next day comes around, I take back everything I said and come back to you Knowing well that I'm just waiting Holding on for a little while more But a little while more until what?

[anoeuv-anthology]

I've never wanted love As much as I want it now. The fact that I've been fighting for it for so long with you And haven't found it. I just want to inspire and be inspired I want that idealistic romance To replace the disappointment I feel.

[anoeuv-anthology]

It's been 2 years since you've probably thought of me But I still cry when I think about how I let it possible to lose you

[anoeuv-anthology]

It's like a lie. When I hold you, I feel like I'm just fooling myself Every time I hold onto you It's like I'm desperately holding on to what's left of the hopes I have for us.

[anoeuv-anthology]

When I no longer share my thoughts with you And all you get from me is "nothing" when you ask me what I'm thinking- When I no longer speak, Holding my tongue as much as possible- You'd know I've given up on us.

[anoeuv-anthology]

You say you'll end up alone after this But we both know that is the furthest thing from the truth You'll find the perfect half who has more willpower to put up with what I couldn't.

[anoeuv-anthology]

I'm nagging and I'm obsessively trying to keep you to myself Because I still want to hold on Even though I already know that things can't change And we are drifting further apart You're so good at living in denial But how can I ignore what's plainly in front of us? We don't even know how to solve our problems And I'm getting to the point where I'm giving up on trying Because you say what I want to hear But you will never meet me halfway I'm not the one you're meant to put in all your efforts for. Maybe you're only staying because you also don't want to be lonely So that every little happy moments Mask the fact that our company keeps the other in misery.

[anoeuv-anthology]

I'm afraid of the obvious So I continue to hope that someday soon I'll be able to feel it with you. After all, I stuck it out this long, haven't I?

[anoeuv-anthology]

I let it slip that I have a heart And I want what everyone else does too And you ask me to just say the words aloud But I can't. Because I haven't found it.

[anoeuv-anthology]

The times I feel safe in your arms Or laughing at our inside jokes while you shower me with kisses When we lay side by side just smiling, Why can't they be enough? Why do I go back to feeling sorry for myself Because it's not enough to make me forget how unhappy I really am?