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The Metamorphosis of Gordon Freeman [Chapter 16]

Dine and Dash

Chapter 1 | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Chapter Summary: Gordon has a bad time at the Sushi Place.

Word Count: 5,322

Ao3 Version

Notes: So I don’t know how obvious it is here, but the way I write Gina and Colette is somewhat inspired by how Penny SnapCube and Sophie interact in the former’s Half-Life 1 playthrough, except with more lesbian shit going on. This Arc is gonna have a third part so expect that next!

After about fifteen or so minutes of uninterrupted screaming at Gina’s (clearly intentional) bad driving, Gordon managed to calm his racing heart enough to explain his history with Benrey to his neighbors.

Colette cackled the entire time and asked many followup questions while Gina just nodded quietly from behind the wheel; clearly, the latter expected nothing less from Gordon’s housemate.

“You didn’t let him give you a hug?”

“No???”

She chuckled, “You MONSTERRRRR! That man’s got the WORST crush on you!”

“Shut up!” Gordon grumbled. He chose to ignore the man he was holding close to him like a safety blanket. “We’re not DATING, we’re not even fully friends yet.”

“Dude he…he’s seen your-”

“Weeeeee’re not talking about that.” His vision went pink as he pushed Benrey to the other side of the back seat. “I didn’t know the suit was-how was I supposed to know the suit had a zipper there??? Literally how?”

“EVERY version of the Hazardous Environment Suit comes with a crotch zipper, Gordy.” Gina spoke up for the first time since they’d started driving.

Gordon sputtered a bit trying to come up with some way to maintain his dignity. He was failing miserably.

“Gordon,” Colette turned around to face him, one arm gripped over the shoulder of the seat such that he had full view of a marking around her wrist that she took no humility in hiding. For a moment, Gordon thought that maybe Benrey could see it too… “Has anybody ever told you that you’re a massive fucking loser?”

Gordon fell silent, feeling himself blush from embarrassment.

He wasn’t a loser, was he?

No, of course not. He’s cool!

His friends think he’s cool!

He saved the world! He’s very cool!!

…The mental assurance didn’t seem to make the pink on his cheeks glow any dimmer.

“Colette!” Gina scolded, “You can’t just say that about somebody we’re taking to dinner.”

“Yeah you gotta wait ‘til after dinner first.” Benrey unhelpfully added.

“I meant it in the nicest way possible!”

“He barely knows us!” Their driver continued, “How’s he supposed to know if you’re joking with him if neither of us have a solid relationship with him yet?”

“We’ve given him multiple opportunities to get to know us.”

“Colette, my best and beloved Colette…you DID point a shotgun at his face the first time you met him.”

Benrey seemed to deem this an appropriate time to register his existence, blinking in surprise. “Huh? You pointed a gun at somebody?”

“Oh yeah!” Colette laughed again, “I guess that WOULD intimidate most people, huh? Yeah. First time Gina and I met Gordon and his little Science Team was a few years ago. Scrounging through Black Mesa for stuff with Bea. Doctor Booby stole this here van that we’re in from a garage we were keeping it in and I, being a good girlfriend, was out for blood because Gina was taking a nap in there at the time. Pointed a shotgun right in Gordon’s face. Funniest possible way we could’ve met each other!”

“Nice.”

“Maybe to YOU!!!” Said Gordon, “I was scared for my life!”

“Hey, I very much DIDN’T shoot ya, that’s gotta count for something, right?”

“I tend to have a hard time trusting somebody when their first impression is an attempt on my fucking life.”

“Details, details.”

“We’re here.” Gina announced. “Who’s ready for sushi?”

“WOOO!!” “So fuckin’ READY broooooo!”

“Yeah, I’m ready.” Gordon sighed. “This is Benrey’s first time at a sushi place, but I think I can trust him to behave himself.”

“I’m a very well behaved little guy.”

Gordon could only hope so as his stomach produced an unruly growl.

Colette let out a weirder-than-was-probably-normal chuckle as she exited the car and stretched. “You say that like people are gonna care or something…”

Gordon followed behind her with a furrowed brow. “Of course people are gonna care, why wouldn’t they?”

She paused to slowly look at him with an unreadable expression. She scowled at him before shaking her head and continuing their walk through the parking lot. It was…weird. But then again, ‘weird’ was just how Gina and Colette were.

“Was it something I said?” He asked Benrey.

The man snapped to attention from a previously vacant stare. “…huh?”

“Nevermind. I need to stop thinking you pay attention to this kind of stuff. Let’s get some sushi.”

…

“They really just called it ‘The Sushi Place’, huh?”

Gina yupped.

Gordon mused aloud. “I’m surprised they get any business, this place seems kinda dead.”

“It’s just kinda like that. I wouldn’t worry about it.”

He shrugged. Well, he supposed if the place was good, he wouldn’t have to worry about it being crowded at least.

Their waiter showed up around this time, dressed very fancy from head to toe but not in any way that seemed appropriate for a sushi place. Then again, Gordon hadn’t been to every sushi place so maybe this one was just different. The man seemed pleasant at least, if a little stone-faced.

They’d all gotten water to drink, except for Benrey who got Sprunk, somehow.

Gina and Colette ordered appetizers for the group, stuffed mushrooms and takoyaki, both of which Gordon promptly burnt his tongue on in his barely-restrained desperation to ease his gnarling stomach.

The pain went away a little, but not substantially so.

“Y’know…” Gina spoke between bites of mushroom, “I never noticed how bright your eyes are.”

“My eyes?” Gordon asked fearfully.

“They’re geen!”

“They’re VERY geen.” Colette agreed.

“You mean GREEN?? They’re not THAT green. They’re a perfectly normal shade.”

“Nah man, that is a radioactive-ass shade of green.”

Benrey agreed with her. “Yeah that’s geen.”

Gina cackled. “That’s fucking GEEN baby!”

“Well uh…” Gordon shuffled in his seat, trying to formulate a decent bluff. “it’s probably just from the Resonance Cascade.” He looked at Benrey in hopes to get any sort of quiet affirmation.

The man looked back at him, confused by the sudden attention put on him.

“No no,” Colette squinted her eyes, “I mean…don’t get me wrong, I can’t exactly attest to how bright they were BEFORE the ResCas…and they’ve definitely always been a pretty bright shade since we first met…but they look GLOW in the DARK kind of bright right now.”

Gina squealed obnoxiously, slightly irritating Gordon’s ears more than he knew was normal for him while Benrey seemed unfazed. “It’s like you and Benny-baby are matching! Look at your big ‘ol glowy eyes!”

“Might just be the lighting…” he blushed. “Wait, Benrey’s eyes glow? I’ve never seen them do that.”

“Kinda, it’s different from your eyes. At least when he’s calm and not stressed out.” Gina pointed at Benrey, “His scleras have a slight…” She paused, looking at him with a perplexed expression. “Huh…”

“What?”

“I was gonna say his scleras have a slight glow to them but…I’m not seeing it in this lighting. Very strange…”

Gordon looked to Benrey again for an explanation and received nothing more than a shrug.

“Well, if Benny’s not worried about it…”

Gina couldn’t do much else than exchange a glance with her partner as their waiter appeared to take their full orders.

Though he considered himself a sushi enjoyer, Gordon typically didn’t deviate from ordering California or shrimp tempura rolls when he went someplace that served it. The idea of changing it up risked him getting something he hated, which would be a waste of food for the restaurant and a waste of money for himself.

Right now, though, he couldn’t afford to be picky. If this was what he needed to do to make the pain go away, then so be it. He would scarf down however much raw fish his body demanded.

A few minutes later, their sushi chef appeared to prepare the food and…

“Heya folks!” Boyd Beaf greeted them, “Fancy to see you here! I shall be preparing your food this evening, you may call me Chef Albert Ron Chef! Or perhaps even Alron Chef if you’re feeling dangerous!!!”

Gordon looked at the man with scrutiny. “Boyd??? Since when is your name ‘Chef Albert Ron Chef’?”

“Is a man not allowed to explore himself when he makes a career choice? Is it illegal for a man to use a pseudonym while he works?”

“It’s not illegal, no. It’s just…why Albert Ron Chef???”

“Why not?”

Gordon shrugged. He couldn’t exactly argue with that sort of logic.

“You know this man, Gordon?” Asked Colette.

“Yeah he…he’s part of Adrian’s platoon of dipshits and dingbats.”

“I count as a dingbat!”

There was a chorus of pleasantly surprised ‘oh’s from the group.

“By the way, I left a glue trap around here somewhere, so if you find it lemme know because I kiiiiinda need it back.”

“How do you lose a glue trap?”

Chef Albert Ron Chef shrugged while Colette commented about not ‘cherishing it enough’, whatever that meant.

Dry of further inquiries, Gordon allowed Chef Albert Ron Chef to proceed with preparation for the gratuitous amounts of sushi that he would have to prepare for them all.

Each person had gotten at least two rolls each, which was a lot of sushi for just one man to prepare, and a lot of food to prepare meant a lot of time for the group to talk amongst themselves while they waited.

Gina and Benrey promptly got to catching up with each other, the latter going on a series of yarns about the games he’d been playing over the past couple of months while Gina asked what Gordon assumed to be relevant questions.

Unfortunately, with Gina preoccupied, that meant Gordon would have to talk with Colette, whose smug aura still somewhat intimidated him. Compared to Gina’s usually more approachable and friendly demeanor, Colette seemed like she was always itching for action.

“So what’s the almighty Freeman doing these days?” She asked.

“Job hunting, mostly.”

“Weren’t ya doing that last time we talked about a year ago, after the mail guy got our mailstuff mixed up?” She crossed her arms with a smirk. “Guessin’ ya haven’t found anything yet then.”

Gordon didn’t answer.

“I kid, I kid…you’re a smart guy. I doubt you have that much trouble getting work considering your degree.”

“No, I…I still haven’t gotten one.”

“Really?” Her eyes widened, “I would’ve thought you’d be a, uh, horseshoe or whatever for like…teaching or something. You’ve got the air of a dorky science teacher.”

“I thought so too…the principal at the last school I interviewed with said the job was ‘below my paygrade’ or whatever.”

“Sounds like you were a little too rich for their pockets to me.”

Was that supposed to make him feel better? If it was, Colette was doing a bad job at making it so.

“Grocery stores are always hiring at least. You considered that?”

“Customers can be mean at the grocery store. I can’t be dealing with stressors like that right now.”

She shrugged, “Fair enough. You don’t look like you handle criticism too well anyways.”

“The fuck’s that supposed to mean?!”

Gordon was fantastic with criticism! At least, he was pretty sure he was…he’d know if he was, right?

“Colette.” Gina warned, “That’s enough.”

“Sorry G…Have you ever considered self-employment, Gordon? I know it’s not for everybody, but you seem like the kind of guy that could’ve had a ‘I wanna become a famous YouTuber!!!!!’ phase in another life.”

“Nah this guy wants to be a Twitch streamer and make big bingo cash from video games.” Benrey butted in.

“A TWITCH STREAMER????” Colette screeched, her eyes as wide as her smile. “Duuuuude, that’s fucking…that’s amazing. You should do it, man. I’d watch it. The internet LOVES boyfailures.”

He couldn’t tell if she was being sarcastic or not. He felt confident assuming she was. “Don’t call me a-”

Alron Chef leaned over between them. “I would also watch that!”

“Aren’t you supposed to be making sushi?” Gordon snapped.

“Yup!”

“Then fucking-! Go-!” He shooed the man away.

“Oooookay!”

“Thank you!” Gordon let out a short huff that knocked his glasses over a little. He squeezed his eyes shut as he pulled the frames off. His other hand combed through his slightly greasy hair. He felt like he was going to explode or spill his guts, maybe both at once if he was lucky.

He sat for a prolonged amount of time, anger and hunger broiled together into an uneasy feeling that eventually could not be confined to the dinner table any longer.

Gordon mumbled about needing to use the restroom.

“Take your time, man.” Gina said reassuringly.

“Yeah go wash your hands. Stinky. Stinky smeller man.”

“Thank you Benrey…” The red and orange in the corner of his vision slightly subsided from the exchange.

Gordon attempted to drag himself out of their booth, but the universe as always seemed keen to conspire against him by making the cushions stick to him like glue, pulling Gordon back to his seat.

He tried again; this time he stood up and the cushion beneath him, with zero fanfare, came with him. The unexpected weight caught Gordon off-guard and he toppled pathetically onto the floor.

He let out a miserable groan. “Boyd, I think I found your glue trap.”

…

Gordon had hurriedly entered the single-person bathroom and locked the door behind him once Benrey tore the seat cushion off his ass.

He thistled out the loudest sound he could muster. It came out higher in pitch than anything he’d ever done during practice and left him sobbing and hacking out a muddle of colors from the back of his throat.

He slammed his back against the door, then threw his glasses next to him.

His eyes drew attention to his wrists when he clawed the Squirmle from his pocket and tried to play with it, forcing him to squeeze them shut and pet the softish toy with his thumbs instead.

Gordon had always felt weirdly detached from the other Player Characters, always felt wary of getting close; never before had his feelings about something make more and less sense at the same time.

He could taste colors he now broadly associated with anger, grief, embarrassment, hunger, distress, and overstimulation all into one, but those feelings felt so thoroughly tangled into themselves that he couldn’t tell what they fully were. None of it mixed well and only served to stress him out more.

It was pathetic.

Gordon felt the door shudder in place as if somebody was trying to push it open.

A familiar voice mumbled incoherently behind it.

“What do you want, Benrey?” Some bubbles of Sweet Voice slipped out as he spoke.

“Ya peeing in there?”

“No.”

“You uh…you wanna be?”

“What the fuck does that mean?”

“You out being a dirty little boy in the bathroom again without me.”

He couldn’t help but chuckle in shock at the absurdity of the question. “Fuck you, man…”

They were both silent for a while.

“Colors.”

“Huh?”

“Gordon Freeman Sweet Voice colors right now. Please.”

He squinted his eyes open. “Brown…like beef stew.”

“Oh that’s bad.”

“Yeah no shit. Give me a moment to collect myself…”

They waited.

And waited.

And waited some more.

“…I can’t do this, man…” Gordon said weakly, “the casual conversation…the playful teasing…”

He could hear Benrey shuffling on the other side. “Do you hate it?”

“No…the Science Team does it all the time…my other friend group does it all the time…I’d tell them to stop if I hated it that bad…it feels different when it’s…when it’s another of my own, when it’s another Player Character…”

“Why?”

He rubbed at his wrists, forced himself to look at the thin lines of light that zig-zagged around each one: a shackle that only he and others like him, those who were bound by the will of a Player, could see. They weighed more on his mind than they did his body, but it was a very heavy weight to hold.

‘You know why you feel this way.’ Spoke a familiar voice. ‘Say it…’

Gordon whimpered and squeezed his eyes shut again.

‘Say it.’

“…they remind me too much of myself…” He confessed through the vent of the door.

His chest hurt something awful and briefly overpowered the pain in his stomach.

An eternity passed between them.

“Do you hate her?”

“…No.” He said. The pain in his chest began to feel like a curse being lifted. “I don’t hate Colette, or Gina. I don’t hate any of them…I don’t WANT to hate any of them, either…if anything I want to know them better, but it’s so hard to be close…even the Sweet Voice can’t figure out what I’m feeling about it…”

“Do you wanna leave?”

He wasn’t sure how to respond.

“She’s upset too by the way.”

He sat up from his slouched position. “What?”

“Yeah she’s crying all ugly and shit. I think she’s thinks that she uh…fucked up.”

They were talking about Colette, right? The trigger-happy Colette? The woman with a robotics degree and an air of complete confidence?

“Is she okay?”

“Yeah she’s just crying a lot.”

“Ohhhhh my god Benrey, that’s the OPPOSITE of okay.” He quickly got up from the floor.

“Do you wanna leave?” Benrey asked again.

“No! I-”

“We can get sushi somewhere else, it’s okay. We can-”

“I’m not WORRIED about the sushi right now…” Gordon unlocked the bathroom with a sigh, causing Benrey to push the door open with his weight and fall to his side while in a fetal position, like some sort of pillbug. He looked at Gordon, unblinking. “Are you sure?”

“I am responsible for the actions I take in public, I need to make sure Colette’s okay…I don’t wanna be, like, an asshole or anything…”

“Okay cool.”

Gordon marched his way back to the booth. His seat cushion was still torn off, but it looked like there had been attempts to fix it.

Gina and Colette, the latter of whom did not appear to have been crying at all as Benrey had claimed, had taken the floor as their new table and were eating off plates of sushi sat in their laps.

He was pretty sure anybody entering and leaving the establishment would willfully ignore them if he saw any. Even knowing how quiet the restaurant was normally, its emptiness felt…weird, now that he thought about it. He was pretty sure the only staff he’d seen here was their waiter and Boyd.

“Hey Gordy.” Gina smiled, “Sushi’s done.”

“I can see that.”

“We got yours and Benrey’s packed to-go.” Colette added, pointing to a pair of foam containers. “We weren’t sure if you’d wanna stay after…” She waved her arm around. “…yeah.”

“So you’re NOT a crying inconsolable mess right now from my actions?”

Huh?!?” Colette smiled awkwardly, “I mean…an inconsolable mess, definitely, but not a CRYING one!”

“For fuck’s sake-” Gordon swore. “Benrey!”

As if summoned by a ritual, Benrey had manifested beside him. “Yo.”

“You motherfucker!”

He wordlessly responded with a thumbs-up and sat beside Gina.

Gordon squeezed the palm holding his Squirmle and shoved it back into a pocket.

“Hey…” Colette frowned and leaned forward. Her tone was very serious. “Sit down.”

He sighed and joined them all on the dirty, dirty floor. “Okay. I’m here…now what.”

Colette plopped another sushi roll into her mouth and chewed pensively before speaking. “…Nothing I said tonight was meant to be taken personally, but it hit sore spots for you, I think.”

Gordon stared at the ground.

“I was being a massive dick. I hurt you, and I didn’t realize I was hurting you. But I was. And that’s…that’s not cool, so…I’m sorry.”

She ate another sushi as Gordon’s eyes widened and he contemplated her words. Did that mean his anger had been justified? He couldn’t really make heads or tails of what this meant for him…When was the last time somebody other than Benrey had apologized for how they treated him?

His chest hurt a little less…

“You still gonna prod about my eyes or my life-choices?”

She shook her head. “If you’re not having fun with it, then I’m definitely not. Teasing is only fun if both parties are having fun, and I overstepped, I think. I assumed we were already buddy-buddy. I’m…” she looked around nervously a bit before continuing. “It’s a little embarrassing but…I’m still trying to develop, you know, situational awareness.”

His eyes widened more. She seemed to hold herself so well, it genuinely surprised Gordon. It had always been obvious when Gordon was failing to work through a social interaction, he thought she made herself to be pretty confident whenever they talked…maybe too confident.

Maybe that’s why she’d always come off as smug to him.

“I didn’t intend for those to be deep-cuts, I just…I wanted to make conversation, and I gotta be honest…even after the years that we’ve been here…I still don’t have it down. I could say more, but…” they both looked over Benrey and Gina, who were looking at photos in the latter’s phone, “I don’t think I wanna spill my guts out for real at a sushi restaurant. Not when those two are happy. I think all I wanna say for now is…let’s start over.”

Gordon pondered the statement. “You just…wanna try again? Just like that?”

“If I wanna be a good friend, I need to prove I can start on the right foot. You don’t HAVE to accept my apology though…nor my friendship. I’ve hurt you too many times already….”

“No no! It’s…I appreciate it.” It felt crazy to say out loud, but it felt right. Gordon was mad about her behavior tonight but…she really wasn’t as bad as he made it seem. He really was letting his feelings about something neither of them had control over get in the way of knowing Colette.

She had somebody that could tell her she was hurting Gordon’s feelings and was trying to help her be better, even if she didn’t really listen right away, but it was better than nothing. That’s pretty much what he did with the Science Team all the time, and Benrey now too, he guessed. Gordon would want nothing but the same if he had been in the wrong about something, not that such a thing was possible, of course.

Regardless, they were both just hopeless creatures created by the habits of higher beings; trying to figure out how to act normal was just an inevitable part of their existence, it seemed.

Gordon smiled weakly. “I think everything you said tonight is stuff that we can come back from. You didn’t do some horrible, unforgivable crime or anything, so…apology accepted. Let’s start over.”

Colette smiled back, sliding a to-go box in front of Gordon. “Eat up, then catch up.”

His stomach growled at him in anguish, reminding Gordon of why they were here to begin with. He thanked Colette before tearing open his chopsticks to (very eloquently) go ham on his late-lunch-early-dinner meal.

It was…really good, actually! The tuna roll was a little spicy in a way that wasn’t too distracting from the flavor itself, and the salmon had been prepared with a really nice cream cheese that complimented the fish in a way Gordon hadn’t thought possible.

It was nice!

“You seem happy.” Colette smiled, “We can order more if you’d like, take that to-go instead if you want. I’ll handle the bill. That seems like something I should do…”

“Uh…yeah, I guess that’s alright…” he paused. He didn’t really feel the craving anymore after about half a plate of the stuff, but he really did like what he’d ordered. “Maybe another of the salmon ones…and uh…a California. Both of those to-go…”

“Sweet.” She called to their chef. “Ya hear ‘em, Alron?”

“But of course!!!” The man replied, hopping back to the table from across the massive room.

“Get me some of that really expensive stuff boxed up as well!” She smirked. Her face softened as she glanced back at Gordon. “Now…let’s try this again, yeah?”

She holds out her right hand, Gordon does the same but reflexively pulls away before they clasp.

“Sorry.” Gordon winced, “Right hand is a little…”

“No no, don’t apologize. It’s…it’s okay. Does this work better?” She asks as she swaps hands.

He mirrors the action with a small nod. “Yeah…that’ll do.”

They both reach out and properly exchange a firm handshake.

“Colette Green…Ph. D in electrical engineering, Masters in robotics, former researcher of the Black Mesa Cybernetics Department and even more recently former researcher of the Anomalous Materials Lab. My hobbies include watching anime, building scale models of big anime robots, and regular visits to Six Flags Over Texas.”

“Gordon Freeman…uh, Doctor in…physics…stuff. Theoretical. Theoretical Physics. My personal hobbies are mostly playing video games and watching sitcoms, I guess, and karaoke about once a month with some friends of mine. Former Black Mesa employee.”

Colette gigged, “Doctor Freeman. I think I recognize the name…a pleasure to meet you, and not be pointing a gun at your head due to an…awkward misunderstanding.”

“Oh, DEFINITELY with you on that.” He couldn’t help but laugh, “I am also glad to be meeting you here, for the first time, at this nice restaurant and not in a parking garage with a gun against my head. I feel like that would put a damper on future meetings.”

“Yeaaaah, probably.” She laughed this time. “Hey, so, before we start getting serious about this whole friendship thing, I gotta run something by ya real quick about this sushi place we’re at.”

He hummed attentively as he finished the last of his original order. “Like what?”

“Well you see…” she glanced over at Boyd, who had just finished making more sushi and packing it up in boxes before slinking off somewhere to the kitchen. “So you have history with the HECU right?”

“Those fucking assholes cut off my hand and made getting out of Black Mesa a pain in the ass, so yeah.”

“So you wouldn’t be opposed to fucking with them financially by any chance?”

“I mean…” He had to think about it for a moment. “we DID destroy Wikipedia-”

“The Free Online Encyclopedia That Nobody Can Edit Anymore?” Asked Gina.

Gordon snorted, “-yeah, that one.”

“It’s all free forever.” Added Benrey.

“Wait, hold on-! I thought-didn’t they fix Wikipedia? I thought…”

“No.” Boyd could barely be heard from the back of the restaurant. “It got bought by Fandom-dot-com.”

“Seriously? I didn’t know that…who owns Fandom?”

“Aperture Science.” Said Gina and Colette in unison.

“Who???”

“Black Mesa’s competitor, well…former competitor. Because, y’know…” Gina made a vague explosion noise with her mouth while flitting her hands around. “Alllllll in the test chamber.”

“Ah. Yeah. Sorry about that…”

“Nah, man it’s cool. I really liked the part where you and Benrey clipped inside the generator beneath the test chamber.”

“When I…what?????”

Gina shook her head. “Nevermind. I think my player made that one up as a joke…”

“Gotcha…where are we going with this conversation, exactly?”

“Well you see-”

“HEY!!! I GOT THE MONEY! WE GOTTA GO! NOW!!!”

The group all turned to watch Boyd climb over the various tables and chairs with an adrenaline fueled enthusiasm.

“For fuck’s sake-” Colette immediately stood up from the ground. “BOYD I TOLD YOU TO WAIT YOU MOTHER-FUCK!!!”

“SORRYYYYYY!”

Gordon scooted away from Boyd’s path of destruction, a briefcase under one arm and the waiter that had taken the group’s table and order under the other. “WHAT is happening??”

“This restaurant’s a front for the military. We’re doing a double-date-dine-and-dash. Plus Employee Theft.”

“And Knuckles!” Added Gina.

“And Knuckles, yeah.” Colette laughed, “And also we’re blowing this place to A Baoa Qu!”

Gordon screamed. “I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT IS!” He looked at Boyd for answers. “IS THIS EVEN SAFE??? I THOUGHT YOU WORKED HERE!”

“I do! But this place isn’t even supposed to be open on Mondays, Freeman! Now let’s get outta here!”

“WAY AHEAD OF YOU!” He grabbed Benrey, who was still sitting around confused, by the arm and dragged him outside. “COME ON!”

“Huh? What’s going on?”

“COME! ON!”

“Okay, no need to be mean.”

Gina butted in with a “Yeah don’t be mean to him!”

Gordon sighed loudly as they exited the building with their food. “You know, I really WAS starting to like the food here…”

Boyd smiled at him dorkily. “I can make sushi for you at ANY time, Freeman! It only tastes good because I made it. Normally the food here tastes like absolute ASS.” He dropped the waiter onto the pavement, who notably had full camo underneath his work uniform now that he looked a tad more disheveled.

“Boyd Beaf, I KNEW I recognized your face, you no good son of a bitch! The United States Military™ will NEVER recover from this!!!” The man growled.

“That’s the idea! You took advantage of my kindness. You are the asshole here, not me!”

He gave Boyd an evil glare before booking it as far away from the group as possible. “You haven’t seen the last of us! Ya hear?”

The man tore off the rest of his waiter disguise, tripping over the curb before he ran into the night. Or more specifically, into oncoming traffic.

The stranger’s form went limp upon immediate impact with what Gordon, for reasons he couldn’t explain, was pretty sure was a 2015 Hyundai Accent. He wasn’t sure how he was able to make such a particular guess given that all he was able to catch was a blur of red tearing through the streets at three times the speed limit, but he felt weirdly confident about it.

“Ah shit.” Colette swore. “I knew I shouldn’t have let the Self-Driving Car out before we left. Guess we’ll have to find a different guy to interrogate.”

“Better luck next time.” Gina shrugged. “…hey, wasn’t the building supposed to-?”

The whole group was startled by the spontaneous combustion of the entire restaurant.

Gordon coughed and sputtered the soot that got in his mouth, fanning away more dark smoke to behold the odd pile of wooden debris and stupidly-sized splinters where the sushi place used to be.

Gina pulled at his shirt collar like a leash back to the AMV while he gawked.

“Sorry Gordon.” Colette sighed, “I was trying to gauge if we should just take ya home and do the heist later. Didn’t want’cha getting involved in this if you didn’t wanna be.”

He looked at her with utter uncertainty on how he should have felt about the situation.

The woman seemed really apologetic, though…so he couldn’t find it in himself to get mad at her again. “It’s fine. I’m…fine. I’ll fucking live…”

“Boyd, sweet-pea.” He felt Gina let go of him as she approach the young man. “My Beautiful B-Movie Baby. Why didn’t you wait for the signal?”

“I uh…I kinda got impatient and forgot.”

She turned to the group, and shrugged. “I guess you get what you pay for when you recruit a dingbat for a heist.” There was an awkward pause, as if waiting for a laugh track that didn’t exist, followed by Gina forcefully patting the man’s back. “Now get’outta here.”

“Happy to help, ma’am!” He salutes and runs into the night like the bootboy before him, promptly screaming bloody murder as the Hyundai claimed another poor soul.

“They made the cars from Pixar real. Pretty fucked up.” Said Benrey.

Gordon mumbled in agreement before climbing back into his spot in the AMV.

“This was fun.” Gina smiled, “We should do this again. Maybe even next week.”

“No!!!!!!!” Gordon cried, “I mean…I think I’m gonna stay away from eating out for a while…”

“That’s okay. We can get takeout next time…”

Gordon stared at his window with a blank expression. His own stupid face stared back at him. “Oh my god I’m an idiot I could’ve gotten takeout.”

He hung his head in his hands, repeating the phrase to himself like a mantra during the ride back home.

[anons-has-hlvrai-aus]

The Metamorphosis of Gordon Freeman [Chapter 15]

Don’t Make It Weird

Chapter 1 | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Chapter Summary: Gordon tries to make dinner plans. (Feat. Gina Cross and Colette Green)

Word Count: 3,235

Ao3 Version

Notes: I’d like to consider the first 13 chapters as a sort of “Season 1” for Metamorphosis whole Chapter 14, our wonderful Ed Balls Day chapter, acts like a sort of “Intermission Episode.” That is to say, welcome to Season 2 of The Metamorphosis of Gordon Freeman! I’ve always consider chapters 1 and 2 to be two halves of a single massive chapter, and I expect that to be the same here for 15 and 16. Have fun!

Not even a week after the incident at Burger King, Gordon had begun to experience another new development in his alien transformation in the form of terrible hunger pangs.

They’d started during his monthly trip with his other friend group to a place called Pirate Scott’s. He wasn’t one to get snacks there, due to his general dislike of bar food, and would normally just make himself a sandwich to eat before bed when he got back home, but on that night, he couldn’t wait.

If he didn’t eat something at that moment, he would have blacked out from the pain.

So…he’d caved in and bought pretzel bites for his group’s table. He played it off as just a kind gesture, but he was pretty sure his consumption of nearly a dozen morsels of salty bread didn’t go unnoticed. Still, nobody had said anything at the time, and Gordon had managed to curb the pain until he got home and made his sandwich…

It was now Monday.

Gordon, in all his stubbornness, had chosen to deal with sudden, recurring hunger pangs for the whole weekend instead of asking Benrey for help, just in case this was a normal human problem instead of an alien puberty problem. He was only now suspecting that it was the latter problem because it was…starting to have an influence on his diet, too.

The hunger pangs went away when he ate, but each time they came back they started to convince him of something…

Gordon wanted meat.

But not just any meat.

Gordon really, really, really wanted raw meat.

No matter how he tried to go about it, no matter how many protein foods he cooked or bought, his body could not be satiated. It was maddening!

There were no health benefits to eating raw meat that couldn’t be solved by cooking the same meat and having some vegetables to go with them. Gordon wasn’t even sure his body would be able to handle any of the raw meat he had available.

Even worse…the temptation was starting to follow him even when he wasn’t having the hunger pangs.

He wanted to keep the problem to himself, to figure it out on his own. It wasn’t that bad, he tried to argue to himself, but his inner scientist was quietly judging him for trying to bottle up such a gradually escalating issue.

The Science Team had drilled into his head multiple times in the past four years that he could ask them for help with things if he really needed it, that he could ask other people for help if he really needed it, no matter how small. He’d gotten better at doing so, but he obviously didn’t internalize it.

Still, choosing to relent now was better than not relenting at all, if only because the meat craving was so vile now that it would make a bullsquid’s head turn.

“Benrey!” He called pathetically.

The non-human sluggishly phased through the ceiling, unperturbed by Gordon laying across the length of their couch like an ailing child of nobility. “Hey…”

“I need meat.” The ridiculousness of his request felt apparent the moment it left his mouth.

“There’s sirloin in the fridge.” Benrey said, his weary gaze did not falter in any way that acknowledged how blatantly stupid the conversation was.

“No! I mean, like…RAW meat! Do you have any clue what that’s about?”

Benrey’s eyes widened from tired to somewhat-attentive. “Huh. That’s…I’ve never had that happen to me before, m’not sure what’s up with that.”

“Ohhhh no.” Gordon began to worry.

“We should ask Tommy.”

“Shit!” He exhaled, one hand nervously digging into his scalp while the other brushed against the Squirmle in his pocket. “You’re right! You’re so right…”

He dug out his phone while yellow Sweet Voice bubbled through his gritted teeth, continuing to do so while he messaged Tommy.

‘Hey Tommy, random question. My body wants me to eat raw meat and nothing else is going to satisfy it. Benrey doesn’t know anything about it. Is this an alien thing, or do I just need to go to a doctor?’

Gordon sighed. It wasn’t very detailed, but it would have to do. He pressed the send button…and now they waited.

“This is gonna have effects on the salmon population.” Benrey mumbled.

“I don’t think it is.”

“How do you know that? You a fish scientist? You have a degree in fish? Show me your fish degree.”

“I don’t have a fish degree.”

“Why not?”

“I have a fishing license, but that’s not the same thing.”

“I wanna see.”

“It’s…” He exhaled, “it’s in my other wallet.”

Both of them jumped as Gordon’s phone dinged. Tommy had left quite the lengthy paragraph, at compared to what Gordon could put out in the amount of time they’d been waiting.

‘Those are normal instincts kicking in, Mister Freeman. Your species’ metabolic processes doesn’t start for the first month of life and then after that they need to start eating, so happy one month birthday! Your body is building up a new gut microbiome, so that’s why it wants raw meat. It needs nutrients that human science hasn’t discovered yet that normally gets cooked out of cooked foods. But since you’re metamorphosing from a human, your human stomach isn’t going to agree with most raw meat even now. Raw fish will work just as well though.’

So this was just part of the process…okay. Gordon could accept that. ‘Any recommendations?’

Gordon didn’t even have time to look away from his phone when it dinged again.

‘My dad recommended gas station sushi.’

Both of them looked at the message for a single long, grueling minute.

“Even I wouldn’t do that.” Said Benrey.

“Okay so I’m not the only one that thinks Mister Coolatta is trying to kill me, cool.”

“No, I just don’t think it tastes very good.”

“When did you ever have the time to eat gas station sushi???”

“My friend of Josh-”

“Don’t-” Gordon sighed, “Don’t say anything more…do you actually know what gas station sushi tastes like?”

“Not really I’m just kinda guessing from uh…the backstory memories.”

“Okay. Alright. Okay. Okay…okay.”

Gordon hunched over his phone. ‘Will normal sushi work?’

Ding! ‘As long as it has raw fish in it yeah :)’

“…What about real sushi from like…a sushi place? Not store-bought, nothing from the gas station, just real sushi? You ever had that?”

“Nah.”

Well, that wasn’t going to do…if Gordon was going to get real sushi, it would just be cruel to leave Benrey out and not give him the experience.

Gordon really liked sushi. Not enough to want it every day if his body would allow it, of course, that honor went to Popeye’s, but he knew it would be unfair to leave Benrey without any sort of real sushi experiences.

“……hey Benrey?”

He hummed in affirmation.

Gordon bit his tongue trying to figure out how to phrase this without making it weird. “…do you wanna, like…”

Benrey tilted his head.

“Skip face training tonight and just go to a really nice sushi restaurant? It’s not a date. I just…really don’t want gas station or grocery store sushi.”

This was very irresponsible. Their training sessions with each other needed to be consistent, especially for Benrey’s training on fitting in with humanity, but he also couldn’t stand another moment of this horrible meat craving. If he was going to get this done, he might as well bring Benrey with him.

“Yeah man, I’ll go on a sushi date with you.”

“It’s not a date!!!” Gordon argued.

“It’s gonna look like a date, man. I dunno what to tell you.” Benrey shrugged, “We know it’s not a date, but nobody else is gonna think that. They’re gonna think we’re dating and in love if we go to a sushi place together…”

He’s right.

Clicking his tongue on the roof of his mouth, Gordon began to pace around the room. He cared way too much about what other people thought of him to let something like this slide. He stopped in front of a window that looked into the front yard, seeing a mail truck stop for a moment before driving away.

“I’ll be right back. Gotta get the mail and the bins. Don’t go anywhere.”

“I wasn’t gonna do that anyways but okay.”

Gordon, deep in thought on the whole ‘sushi date’ thing, spaced out during his trip to the mailbox. A fatal mistake on his part, sadly.

He flipped through his mail, mostly medical bills and advertisements for gaming PCs, then stuffed it underneath his armpit so that he could roll the trash bin from the curb back to the house with both hands.

Upon returning to the curb to do the same with his recycling bin, a girl jumped out with a loud snarl, not too dissimilar to a zombie, ghost, or ghoul.

Gordon let out only the manliest of yelps in surprise, of course.

“Gotcha!”

“Good god, kid! You’re gonna give me a heart attack…”

“That’s the plan!” The girl laughed.

Gordon grumbled as he collected his scattered mail from the ground. “What was your name again? Annie? Ellie? Allie?”

“Alyx.”

“Alyx, that’s it. You’re Eli’s kid…Alyx,” he spoke in a stern tone. “Don’t you have kids your own age you can prank instead? Like…uh…that one kid from the next neighborhood over, Terry?”

“Terry moved. I don’t HAVE any other kids my age now.”

“Oh, that…that sucks, I’m sorry about that. Must be pretty rough…”

“It REALLY sucks!” The kid crossed her arms.

“I’d be mad too if my friends moved away, so I get it.” He grabbed the last of his mail, then waited awkwardly for Alyx to climb out of the recycling bin so he could roll it away, which she never did. “Well…I know the schools around here are packed so…I’m sure there are other kids you can get along with. They’ll appreciate your pranks more, I think.”

She shook her head. “Nah. I think I’d rather bother you instead.”

“What?! Whyyyyyy?”

“Because you’re funny to mess with!” She stuck her tongue out and cackled.

Gordon whined “I don’t WANNA be messed with!”

“Too bad! You’re gonna be stuck with me FOREVERRRRR!”

“No!” He shooed at her with a stifled laugh. “Go on, get outta here!”

The kid’s stubbornness was almost comical, as was the fact that Gordon wasn’t really trying to do anything to make Alyx leave other than vaguely gesture in the direction of her house while he pleaded for the vacancy of his green bin.

His attention diverted towards a guffaw that erupted on the other side of the street.

“Heya Gordy, looks like your recycling came to life.”

“Hiiiiii Gina.” He waved slowly, holding back a grimace as he did so. “You didn’t put Alyx up to this, did you?” He did a double take at the upturned container he was gesturing to, now child-free.

“Noooooooope, but I wouldn’t blame ya for thinkin’ it!”

“H’okay. Just…wanted to ask. I’ll see you later.”

He turned and waved again, making his way down the driveway with his recycling when Gina called out to him.

“Wait!”

“Whaaaaaat?” He slowly looked back at her.

Alyx loudly excused herself back home from outside his field of view. The two adults stared each other down for several seconds.

“…so uh…listen.” Gina ran over to his side of the road, got really close and spoke in a hushed tone. “I’m not trying to make this weird or anything but uh…are you, like, free tonight?”

“HUH?!?!”

“Lemme finish, lemme finish!” She laughed, “So Colette and I had a coupon for this sushi place downtown, but it’s only valid if the table has three or more people and it expires TODAY…and we were GONNA ask Nicky and Tesla if they wanted to use it tonight, but they had a big vortigaunt event that they were going to. Which is fine because like…they just think sushi is ‘okay’, and that’s honestly pretty valid. Anyways, I know YOU like sushi…”

They waited.

“Anything else?”

“Uhhh, no. That’s about it. I know you like sushi.”

He tried to hide an amused smirk. “You know, it’s very funny that you brought this up because Benrey and I were JUST talking about how he’s never gotten sushi from a real sushi place before, and we were going to make plans tonight-”

“Oh!” Gina perked up, “You know, I’d been seeing Benrey around your house a lot but I didn’t want to assume…”

“We’re NOT dating.”

“I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING!”

“But you were THINKIN’ it!” He pointed at her.

“Okay okay okay, maybe I was. Not my fault that you two look cute together. Sooooo…you and Benny-Baby wanna go get sushi together?”

“Yeah! That’d-” Gordon paused, “Did you just call him ‘Benny-Baby’?”

“YEAH! That’s what I CALL himmmmm! ‘Cause he’s just a sweet little baby boy.”

He raised his hands in the air. “I’m not-I’m not gonna question it! I’m sure I’ll get an explanation for it…the answer is yes, by the way. On the sushi.”

“Awesome! It’ll be a dinner-double-date, then.”

“IT’S NOT A DATE!”

“Maybe for YOU it’s not!” Gina headed inside with a laugh not too dissimilar to one he’d heard from Benrey in the past.

“Wait…wait!” Gordon called, “When and where did you wanna meet up for dinner?”

Gina stared at him with an ominously-ordinary smile. “Right now, and right here!”

“Shit.”

Immediately, he ran inside with the mail and rounded up Benrey. He felt incredibly underdressed despite knowing this was just a casual get-together with his neighbors, but he was kinda strapped for time so…he’d just have to go in some MIT spirit wear and shorts. It did make him a little insecure that Benrey, wearing another of Gordon’s shitty band t-shirts and a pair of sweatpants, looked more well-dressed than he did, but he pushed it aside for now. After all, Benrey was still wearing that stupid hat he’d gotten before moving in, and it made him look a little more stupid than Gordon, so at least they were going to look stupid together.

They both walked out of the house just in time to see Gina summon the Anomalous Materials Van (AMV) with her powers. Gordon wasn’t sure how she had such powers, or even how they worked. She was like him: a Player Character. She shouldn’t have had access to stuff like that. Then again, Gordon shouldn’t have had access to noclip and Sweet Voice, but here he was anyway.

Maybe the Xen radiation was doing stuff to her as well. He was pretty sure she and Colette had canonically been underneath the test chamber when the Resonance Cascade happened.

“That’s pretty neat.” Benrey commented.

“Isn’t it?!” Gina laughed, “I’ve got that magic in me. Now COME ‘ERE!!!!!” She rammed into Benrey excitedly, “I’m so happy to SEE YOUUUUU!”

Benrey laughed with her, both of them cackling evilly in complete harmony. “I’m very cool and very loved.”

“YES! You ARE!”

Gordon, now even more confused than he was before, asked the two how they knew each other.

“So back when I was working in the Biological Research division in Black Mesa, they made me a consultant for containing a ‘mystery specimen’ that I wasn’t allowed to meet in person until the containment was finished. At least, that’s what formed from my backstory and all.”

“And the mystery specimen was Benrey, right?”

The two agents of chaos both snapped finger guns at Gordon.

“Bingo Gordy! Needless to say, heh, I was preeetty fucking mortified by that revelation.”

“In the backstory, you mean?”

“In the backstory!!!!”

“Man…”

So Gina’s player had made their backstories overlap and the Post Game just took it in stride; it certainly seemed to be capable of crazy things. The inner workings and machinations of the program far transcended Gordon’s level of understanding, so he had little idea how it implemented backstories to coincide with each other without contradiction. He probably should have inquired more about it when he had the chance, but it was a bit late for that now.

“Anyways!” The woman continued, “After I found out about Benrey, I decided to make it my goal to make his confinement as un-hellish as possible while still abiding by the procedures needed to keep him inside. Mostly buying him video games.”

Benrey nodded in agreement. “Crash Bandicoots and Frogger. Very cool.”

“I would’ve set him free if I could…” Gina seemed to sigh and shake her head. “Not much I could do other than advocate for him to get a job in Black Mesa. Better than him being cooped up all day.”

“YOU!!!!” Gordon’s body and mouth acted out before his brain had fully processed the information. He pointed an accusatory finger at her. “You’re to blame!!!”

Gina laughed, “What?? What did he do? Is there a problem here I don’t know about?”

He sputtered a bit trying to explain himself while his brain caught up to the same conclusion he had made. “You’re the reason Benrey is stuck in my life, you asshole! Not you personally, I’m not even sure how that would work with the fucking video game, but like, Backstory You!”

“Backstory Gina did a lot of things that Today Gina will NOT apologize for.”

Colette ran up mid-conversation, tossing the keys over to Gina. “I’m here! Hey Gordon! Heya, guy that looks like Barney!”

“Hi.” “Hey.”

“So what’cha’ll talking about over here?”

“Gordon and Benrey have a HISTORY!” Gina smiled.

“Oho, gimme the details! We NEVER get to talk to Gordon!” She looked at the man with a wild grin on her face. “I don’t know shit about you! I wanna know your shit! I wanna know what you did when Black Mesa was imploding on itself.”

Gordon frowned. “It’s a LONG story.”

“We got time! Come on! We got to fucking uhhhhhhh…” The woman made a twirling motion with one of her hands, seeming to buffer in real time much like Gordon had earlier. “-sushi! We’re gonna sushi tonight. Long drive. Gonna sushi so good!”

They all piled into the AMV without complaint.

“Hold on.” Gordon stopped Benrey before he got inside. “I’m going in first, I don’t trust you to not put glue on the seat this time.”

“I think I taught him that one.” Said Gina from the background.

Gina took the wheel while Colette rode shotgun and Gordon sat behind the driver seat.

Benrey stood about three feet away from the car like a sad dog, fiddling with the hem of his shirt while he waited for everybody to find their spot, and then sidling uncomfortably close to Gordon when he was finally allowed to follow suit.

“Don’t forget your seatbelt.”

“Can you…move a little?”

“Gotta put on your seatbelt first.”

Gordon groaned in disbelief. “Okay, gotta…PUT OOOOON my seatbelt first. Belt. OVER chest. In the thing.” He punched the buckle into place with a loud click.

“Thank you.” Benrey smiled and moved to the opposite side of the seat.

“You’re welcome. Are we…” He looked around, “Are we good? We good to good? Good to go, I mean? Gina?”

“Yeah I think we’re good!”

“Awesome! So how far is-?”

Gina punched the gas with the fever of an animal bred to run into oncoming traffic.

Gordon’s screams of terror echoed through the streets as he clung onto an unbothered Benrey.

“I think you should hold onto something.”

[anons-has-hlvrai-aus]

The Metamorphosis of Gordon Freeman [Chapter 14]

It’s Ed Balls Day, Gordon Freeman!

Chapter 1 | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Chapter Summary: Gordon tries to celebrate Ed Balls Day with the Science Team.

Word Count: 2,268

Ao3 Version

Notes: So this is a VERY belated Ed Balls Day chapter that I completely forgot to post on Tumblr for Ed Balls Day. Whoops! This is mostly a narrative drug trip, but it DOES allude to some real stuff that might happen later in the story.

Once upon a time, once upon a place, Gordon Freeman awoke with a skeleton in his face.

He let out a yelp at the rather fearful sight, and promptly from his bed he sat upright.

In its thin boney hands was Gordon’s cell-phone, buzzing at a low and quiet tone.

“What the fuck, man?” He asked it wearily, but the silly bone man only tilted its head scarily.

Gordon took the phone, and brought it to his head. “Hello?” He answered, still staring at the undead.

Bubby’s voice called out “It’s Ed Balls Day!”

In the background, somebody shouted “Yippee!” And “Hooray!”

“Shit.”

“The party’s at your place, it’s only fair, unless you’ve got a better location elsewhere.”

“Why are you rhyming?”

“Oh, look at the timing!”

It was 10:30 on the digital clock.

“See you later, Gordon. Very nice talk!”

Gordon sighed, stood up, picked a stray hair off his face, and finally he decided to brighten up the place.

With a second sigh sung sweet voice galore, and an army of skeletons came from the ceiling and the floor.

“I guess we’ll dress the house all nice, dig out the cake mix, and make Ed Balls Day Spice.”

The skeletons heard clear and, without hesitation, prepared the home for Ed Balls Day celebration.

Dangling decorations of paper and foil were hung from the ceiling with not much toil.

The spice was mixed together so fine, to be tossed over the food when it was time to dine.

What’s in the spice, well who can really say? It really is just that kind of day!

“What the hell is this?” Gordon asked, “This narration from a preschool class?”

But answers never came, and rightfully so! Because outside a parade was about to show!

“WHAT?! HOW??? WHY IS THERE A PARADE? HOW DID YOU GET A PARADE?? THIS IS RIDICULOUS!!! WHAT IS GOING ON?!?! WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?!?!?!”

But his voice was drowned out by the parade singers singing!

Two of his neighbors danced by in red and yellow, and then close behind were some vortigaunt fellows.

People he knew stood at the sidelines, and people he didn’t too. And Benrey came in spewing out balls of blue.

“Very funny.” Gordon grumbled.

Benrey shrugged and mumbled.

“Where have you been? Did you know this would happen??”

“Hey man,” Benrey smiled, “I think you should strap-in.”

To his horror, he saw the parade’s direction change, following behind him and becoming more strange.

He ran and he ran but the parade kept on following, trying to get him to join in the wallowing.

“This is stupid,” he yelled, “He’s a British Politician!”

But his complaints were drowned out by merry musicians.

Anothony ran ahead and turned into a giant green worm with claws.

“Man, I wish I was a worm.” Forzen said in awe.

“Why would you wish for that?”

Instead of answering, Forzen gave him a chicken hat.

A group of men in red and blue made a conga line while balloon men flew, with their heads so bulbous and…something amiss.

There was a big ol’ thing with an even bigger head, staring at him from far, far ahead. It looked at him, knowingly, with death in its eyes, and a strong air of dread forming blood-red skies.

Your death will come for you, whether you want it or not, even now it comes for you.

Gordon pulled his eyes away from the big ol’ thing with an even bigger head…

The person you are in this moment will die and be transformed into somebody else trillions of times, you will no longer be recognizable.

He squeezed his eyes shut. He’d rather go back to the rhyming now.

The only way you will ever return to what you once were is by losing yourself entirely.

Gordon clutched his head and screamed to the heavens to make the horrible voice go away.

And then, Gordon woke up…

Oh, thank god, it was all a dream!

There was no parade, there was no big ol’ thing with an even bigger head, there was no giant green worm with claws, or musicians!

It was just a stupid dream.

Except…

Oh…oh god…

It was still Ed Balls Day.

A skeleton held his phone out to him, scaring Gordon half to death.

He took the phone and answered with a weak “Hello??”

“Gordon! It’s-!”

“It’s Ed Balls Day, yeah. I know, Bubby, I know. Can we just…have a normal celebration this year?”

Bubby was quiet for a minute. “…I take it you didn’t sleep well last night?”

“I slept horribly.”

“Was Burger King really that bad?”

“Yes, I mean-! No, I mean…I just had a terrible dream about today.”

“Since when do YOU dream at night?”

“Since LAST night, apparently…”

Bubby sighed, “We weren’t going to do anything nearly as crazy as last year anyways, but since you’re insistent I guess we HAVE to keep it normal now. I was really hoping to get the fireworks out, too.”

“Thanks man, I appreciate it.” He flashed a thumbs up at the skeleton, who did the same in return.

“Oh, and Gordon?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t forget to wake up.”

What???

Gordon looked around to the opposite side of the room he’d been previously focused on to see the wall was missing, instead opening into a vast nothingness…except it wasn’t nothingness, but rather something invisible that he couldn’t see but obviously knew was there.

There were people, people he couldn’t see watching him right now and seeing him see them see HIM.

“Hah!” Bubby laughed, “Gotcha there, didn’t I? Another one of my classic lies!!!”

Gordon just stared on in horror.

“Also your fly has been down the whole time and prom is tomorrow.”

Gordon screamed again…and woke up! Again!

“Sounds like you had a pretty rough dream just now.”

“Yeah, yeah I did.” Gordon said with a huff.

He fell asleep watching TV, it seemed. Right now there was some opera on with a guy singing a boastful song about being a military general, or something along those lines.

“Well, care to tell me about it?”

“Of course.” He nodded, “Lemme tell ya-”

He paused.

“Go on,” said Mister DNA from Jurassic Park, “I’m listening.”

Gordon screamed again…again. And work up again…again.

“I swear to god if this is another dream, I’m going to kill the next person I fucking see.”

He sat up and slowly opened his eyes to see Coomer standing before the doorframe of his bedroom.

“…Perhaps I should go!”

“No, wait…”

Coomer halted in place.

“…Is this a dream?”

“Yes!”

“Okay…Why am I dreaming, and why am I lucid? I thought that was something you had to actually train yourself to do or whatever…”

Coomer pondered the question for a bit before answering. “Well, Gordon, given that I’m just a fictionalized version of your real friend Doctor Coomer, I’m just not sure. Given the biological situation you’ve gotten yourself into from the Resonance Cascade, though, I’d guess it has to do with your new terrifying alien puberty!”

Yeah, that sounded about right. “Cool, great…how do I wake up?”

“……Hello, Gordon!”

“Nevermind, I’ll figure it out.” He massaged his temples for a little bit, trying to remember how people normally work up in movies and shit.

Pinching, right?

That’s how it’s normally done?

“Wait.” Coomer said before Gordon could do anything.

“Yeah?”

“…Do you not normally dream?”

“No.” He focused his attention to the pattern of the weighted blanket that sat on this version of his bed. The quilt itself seemed to almost breathe with how the patterns moved. “I didn’t normally dream unless…unless He inserted something in the game to give the illusion of dreaming. Can’t say I wasn’t a little bit jealous to find out everybody else could do it but me…”

“I’m sorry to hear that, Gordon.” Coomer frowned, “Would you like to talk about it while we make a cake?”

“Why should I? Not like any of this matters…it’s just a dream.”

“Dreams can have a lot of influence on people.”

Gordon gripped at his covers before letting out a long sigh, accompanied by an even longer string of annoyed Sweet Voice. “I guess it wouldn’t hurt…”

“Good to hear, Gordon!”

With only a blink, they were suddenly in a kitchen.

Not Gordon’s kitchen, but definitely a kitchen.

“What about we do banana bread instead?” Gordon asked.

“Banana bread, you say?”

“Yeah I…” He blushed, “It’s embarrassing but…I’ve never been able to make banana bread correctly. It always comes out wrong…”

“I don’t see why not. I’ll fetch the ingredients, you just talk.”

Gordon nodded.

“What do you think about dreaming, so far?”

“ It’s alright, I guess.” He shrugged this time, absentmindedly grabbing hold of the Squirmle that Benrey had gotten him the other day for comfort. He was pretty sure he didn’t have it with him when he was in bed, but then again…this was a dream. In fact, the worm seemed to have a mind of its own here, wiggling and purring contently at Gordon’s touch.

“You only guess?”

“I mean…it’s just weird.”

“All dreams are weird, Gordon.”

“I get that. It’s…it’s a lot. I’ve gotten so used to trying to get everything normalized…”

“Why?”

“Because I…because……everything will make sense if I can prove we can be normal. I just…I just know it…”

Coomer was quiet for a while, handing off different ingredients and silently showing Gordon the steps to making the banana bread. There was a written recipe in front of them that they followed as well. “Do you ever worry that your friends resent it?”

He did worry about that, sometimes. He had to shake the thought away when he did, less he lose faith in his goal. He explained as much to the dream version of Coomer.

“Do your friends know why you’re doing that?”

No, of course not. They don’t need to know that their happy ending isn’t permanent.

“I think they’d be much more understanding if you told them.”

Would they? Gordon wasn’t sure.

It certainly didn’t help that he was technically arguing with himself right now.

Although…Gordon was certainly having some doubts right now.

“Are you really part of my dream?”

Coomer froze up, then turned to look at him sheepishly. “Is it really that obvious?”

“Only if I think about it too much…should’ve realized something was up when I realized I could actually read the banana bread recipe. I might not have ever had a real dream until tonight, but I know from research and shit that you can’t actually read in a dream. So what’s the deal here?”

“I can assure you that you are, indeed, dreaming. I just…inserted myself for a little bit. I had to be hasty after Mister DNA didn’t work out-”

“That was YOU?”

Coomer nodded.

“Dude, what the fuck??”

“Gordon, the bananas.”

He apologized for almost bruising the fruits before returning to his sour attitude.

“Normally I visit people like you for…different reasons. But those reasons will take a long time before they happen to you particularly often, so I thought I’d give a tiny visit before that time comes…get acquainted…let you know what to expect…”

“Expect from…what?”

Coomer sighed, “I can’t say. But you’ll know when it happens…”

“So…you are related to my alien powers, then?”

“Yes. I can’t teach you anything, unfortunately.”

That was fine. Gordon had already accepted that Benrey was going to be stuck to him like glue during Gordon’s alien puberty…and maybe Tommy too in some places.

“Any reason you took the form of Doctor Coomer…and…and also Mister DNA?”

Coomer chuckled sweetly. At this point, they had both shoved the banana bread into the oven to bake. “Well…typically I show myself to bring ease to those like you and Benrey. I can mold mindscapes when I make myself present to do all sorts of things, but I mostly use these powers to create scenarios intended to either distract individuals from their worries or to help guide them through them…”

“So, you took the form of Mister DNA to distract me?”

“I thought it would bring you comfort. I didn’t realize the concept of dreaming was so foreign to you…nor did I realize you would be so lucid…”

“I’m an anomaly…”

The oven dinged to indicate time had passed to remove the banana bread, now.

“It’s ready!”

God…Gordon could only hope so.

…it…it actually looked…really nice!

“There we go!” Dream Coomer beamed. “It looks perfect.”

“Wish I could taste it.” He laughed.

“Well, I don’t see why you couldn’t! It’ll be morning soon…I might just leave that banana bread recipe in your head for you.”

Could he…do that???

“Don’t worry too much about what I can or can’t do. Just enjoy this while it lasts…it‘ll be a long time before we have to see each other frequently…Goodbye, Gordon!”

…

Gordon woke up with a phone held next to his face.

Instead of a skeleton, Benrey stood next to the bed, holding the phone close.

“Hey man, you gotta fucking…you gotta wake up. Bubby was messaging you. Something about a guy named Ed Balls.”

Gordon grumbled as he sat upright. “Shit…yeah…it’s…it’s Ed Balls Day…we’ve been having a small party to celebrate since Bubby found out about it.”

“What‘dya do?”

“We just put on BBC in the background and make baked goods…last year got really crazy though…don’t want a repeat of that.”

Benrey’s eyes seemed to sparkle at the mention of goods. “Feetman know how to bake?”

“Hell yeah I know how to bake!” He smiled, “In fact…I think I got a good idea of what I’m gonna make before everybody gets here…”

[ahdriking]

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[anons-has-hlvrai-aus]

GET WORM’D, FRIENDDDDDDDD!

Drew those silly guys from @dilfgmancoolatta‘s (Un)Forgettable as worms, as a treat!

[anons-has-hlvrai-aus]

Gordon

[anons-has-hlvrai-aus]

Eating him

[anons-has-hlvrai-aus]

Blurry-ass dingus sticks his head in the Pringles Originals

[anons-has-hlvrai-aus]

Today I came to the horrible realization that Borzois have the perfect anatomy to replicate when drawing The Worms™ and from now on I will be haunted by this fact

[anons-has-hlvrai-aus]

You will get no context

Based off this sticker

[anons-has-hlvrai-aus]

Typically the Worm Forms don’t come with legs, but there’s technically no limit to how many or how few limbs Gordon and Benrey can have in those forms…so sometimes they have leggy as a little treat

[anons-has-hlvrai-aus]

“Happy Ed Balls Day, Fuckers!” - Dr. Bubby, The Ed Balls Day Incident of ‘23

Based on the frequently brought-up noodle incident in my fic The Metamorphosis of Gordon Freeman

[anons-has-hlvrai-aus]

Gordon and Barney sketches for the Half-Life Mystery Dungeon AU

[princess-of-anons]

Just a couple of silly guys

[princess-of-anons]

It is Worm Time once more

At long last, the color version of Gordon’s Worm Form is here! As mentioned in a previous post and on the ref, the pattern is based somewhat on the HEV Suit. Unlike Benrey, Gordon’s worm form has a unique ability provided to him by his experience with the mini-gun hand: Devil Claw Mode!

Obviously, Devil Claw Mode is derived from Devil Gun Mode, but they are pretty similar in name only. Devil Claw Mode allows Gordon to use his claws to attack for devastating results. These claws will only inflict damage if Gordon intends to harm you with them, and if you DO take damage, the pain will be brief but will feel overwhelmingly like your body is both burning and freezing at the same time.

Below are pictures of the normal claws (left) and the Devil Claws (right). Gordon can deploy them at will and has often kept them on, knowing they won’t hurt his friends, because he likes the glow.

I also have a couple Freeworm sketches, plus some Benrey and the Smol Worm Mode. After unlocking Worm Mode, both men have the option to combine the Worm Mode with the Sizeshifting abilities that Benrey has previously displayed to create HLVRAI Worm Off the String. There’s no limit to how big or small the worm form can be, but after a certain Smallness threshold it takes up less “resources” to just make the worms a single color instead of maintaining the color pattern; both this and the noodle arms can be turned on and off at will if they REALLY want to keep their peculiar markings.

Just like last time, I have a transparent version of Gordon Worm and a “lights out” version underneath the read more

[princess-of-anons]

Some Gordon Feetman sketches, I have so many pages of me trying to solidify his human design for Metamorphosis AU before finally giving up with any attempts to make the beard.

I’ve decided my lore explanation is that Darnold’s potion permanently fucked up Gordon’s keratin production, and since keratin is responsible for nail growth AND hair growth both of those thing were growing super quickly during Black Mesa. Mr. Coolatta was able to *slightly* stabilize him, but his hair and nails still grow a tad faster than normal. Gordon doesn’t mind the long hair but he HATES having his beard get too shaggy so eventually he just started getting it thinly shaved.

There’s also a Bonus Benrey that I did for fun. Haven’t fully decided how I’ll implement Joshua into the AU quite yet, but I do think Benrey “acquiring” an egg and naming it after Gordon’s fake son would be funny