you are valid

an advice blog run for akoiromantics/lithromantics run by an akoiromantic/lithromantic human. this is an aro/ace safe space! if you want asks answered privately, add a * to your message! (any and all discourse is automatically, swiftly deleted. this is a safe space for all to feel comfortable and will be treated as such.)

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

Remember that most important factor when deciding if your label works or not is if it makes sense to you. You’re allowed unusual labels. You’re allowed complicated labels. You’re allowed seemingly contradictory labels. So long as you feel that they’re accurate for you you’re allowed to use them.

[mutterwolfe]

toxic friendship can be just as traumatic as toxic romantic and/or sexual  relationships. your trauma is not lesser because you were “just friends” with someone who hurt you. 

you deserve to have friends who love you, support you, and treat you like the wonderful creation that you are. 

[dailyaspecpositive]

It’s okay to

Be aroace

Be aro and not ace

Be ace and not aro

Be an oriented aroace

Approach relationships in ways society doesn’t talk about

Not want romantic relationships, even if you’re not aro

Not want QPRs, even if you’re aro

Consider friends just as important (if not more important) than partners

Live with friends as an adult

💜🖤💚 You’re not alone 💚🖤💜

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

Sometimes the labels we choose are ‘close enough’ rather than exactly what we experience, and that’s good too.

[anonymousakoiromantic]

Im 20 and akoi. So yes there have been guys I've dated or almost dated who as soon as they show w their words or actions that they return feelings for me, my feelings became of disgust, repulse and I was uncomfortable. Recently i dated a guy and wanted the pattern to stop. So i told him to only tell me if he doesn't like me (so we could part ways). But I still became repulsed. He showed through actions that he cared for me. How do i be w a guy and not feel this way? Can I even?

I do believe it can be possible for you to find companionship with someone while still identifying as akoi. It may not fall under the category of a traditional relationship, but for some, that is the entire purpose. Queer Platonic Relationships are often an alternative for akoiromantic people. If you haven’t heard of the term, you can read about it here. I’ve also found the following image to be incredibly helpful when declaring boundaries and such when experimenting with different types of relationships: 

I love this image (sadly could not locate the source -- if any of my followers know the original creator, please let me know). This is a straightforward way to communicate what you’re comfortable with, what you’re not comfortable with, etc. Navigating romance when you’re akoiromantic involves a lot of communicating, and understanding. At the end of the day, you know yourself better than anybody. Do what makes you feel right and confident, pause if you start to feel uncomfortable or repulsed. Be patient, take breaks when you need to. Make some time for self care, because it will come in handy. I hope this was somewhat helpful! 

[anonymousakoiromantic]

My whole life dream and the idea I had of myself were destroyed when I found out I was akoiromantic. It's always been my plan to fall in love and settle down and grow old with someone, and now I've realised that it's probably something I can never do. I want to be in a relationship, I want all that gross couple stuff but as soon as there's an actual possibility of it happening I just shut down and feel uncomfortable. It makes me so sad. It makes me feel broken.

I’m so sorry that this has you feeling so upset. It can be incredibly difficult to wrestle with the realization and implications that come with falling on the aromantic spectrum. Love comes in so many different ways, forms, and aspects. You are worthy of so much love and happiness in this world, regardless of whether or not you are akoiromantic. Your feelings of frustration and sadness are valid, and I completely understand.At the end of the day, try to remember that romantic love is not the end all be all of a fulfilled life. You still have every opportunity to surround yourself with hobbies, passions, friends, and loved ones that will support you and keep you thriving. You can turn your feelings into art, pursue a career, travel, volunteer, anything that holds your interest and makes you feel inspired, happy, and a sense of belonging. Chase those feelings and always remind yourself that you aren’t alone. Love yourself as much as you would have loved a potential partner, and take care of yourself. If it boils down to it, and you still feel broken, remember that love can appear in so many ways. QPRs are popular alternatives to traditional relationships, often explored by those on the aromantic spectrum. I’ve heard many success stories about these, so, if you’re feeling like you can’t completely let go of the dream of finding someone, remember that there is more out there than the traditional relationship that could perhaps be a form of companionship wherein you feel more comfortable. I’m terribly sorry this has you feeling so down. I’m always here, and my ask box is always open if you ever need anything else. My thoughts are with you, anon. Remember you are loved. 

[anonymousakoiromantic]

If I do one day end up in a committed long term relationship with one or more people where my feelings are still there, can I still identify as lithro? I am lithro but I don’t want to misuse the label if I ever do end up in that life situation. Sorry this is a bit of a weirdly worded question, thank you!!

No worries! I think you should be able to continue to use the label in any instance that you feel it still applies to you and your circumstances. Identities can change and come and go as time goes on, but overall, they’re meant to be used to bring a feeling of sense to an individual who hopes to describe their behavior/feelings/perspective, etc. I would say that you should use whatever label makes you feel comfortable, without making yourself fret over the possibility of something changing in the future. If something does change and you feel as though how you label yourself should change with it, that’s entirely fine. But if that doesn’t turn out to be the case, that’s also okay! 

In essence, identify as lithro for as long as you feel is appropriate, until personally you feel that the label no longer feels right to use when describing yourself, your perspective, behavior, what have you. Hope this helped!

[anonymousakoiromantic]

hey, my friend just called me up to say that she was struggling, about wondering if akoiromantic was legit because she is pretty sure that she is akoiromantic. I wasn't too sure what to say except that I support her with whoever she is, but I don't know much about the identity? Got any tips on what I should say? Thanks!

Hello! I’m not sure how familiar you are with the details of the identity so I’ll just give a quick run down without going overboard in case you already are aware: Being akoiromantic means one can feel romantic attraction and garner romantic feelings for others, but once those feelings are reciprocated by others, they disappear. It might be reassuring for her to hear that she’s valid in her identity, that she doesn’t owe anybody romantic feelings or romantic love, and just that you’ll always support her, like you already mentioned. You can reassure her that this identity is indeed very real, and perhaps reading up about the community online could be helpful or lift her spirit and help her feel less alone. You can always link her to this blog, in case she’s ever in need of reading stories from others who may share the same perspective or points of view. All in all, offering her your support and reassurance is a great response. Relay to her that she isn’t alone, that many others identify the same way, and that there is a community for such an identity. And -- props to you for being such a lovely friend that you’d reach out here and ask for some help, your friend is lucky to have someone so supportive! Best of luck! 

[anonymousakoiromantic]

I'm so happy this is here. I've been struggling so much lately bc I've had a lot of issues w trying to date before but recently, for the first time ever, I tried to date someone who I was already friends with and had liked for a long time, like six months. As soon as we made it official, I felt terrible. I thought the akoi feelings id felt w past potential partners wouldn't be there since I had known her for so long, but it was exactly the same, only worse bc I felt so bad for leading her on (1/

/2) but I'm so glad this blog is here, I just found it and it's totally echoing all my feelings and it makes me feel better to know that other people feel the same way and have struggled w accidentally hurting people that they had romantic feelings towards. But at least I learned something, and I feel bad but I'm trying to remember that l even in alloromantic relationships, feelings change and u aren't responsible to guarantee anyone anything AnYway thank u for running this blog

I’m so glad this helped, and I’m very happy to know that this blog can be reassuring and validating. I hope things only get better for you from here on out, and thank you for being you! <3

[anonymousakoiromantic]

how do you explain to potential partners all the complicatedness of being akoi? I know it's usually unnecessary to go in depth at the start, but I sometimes feel like I owe them at least the basics, so they know what happens; at the same time, I don't want to overwhelm them. how do you deal with/work around that?

Usually it depends on how comfortable I am with someone, and what potential I see in what could be a future partnership. If I think I’ll be talking with someone for an extended period of time, I’ll feel more inclined to give details, but if I don’t think that’ll be the case, it’s usually easier to be brief about it.If I choose not to go too in depth, I’ll disclose that I fall somewhere on the aromantic spectrum, and leave it at that. If I’m feeling comfortable enough I’ll explain that I am capable of experiencing romance to the capacity of having crushes and keeping my feelings to myself, but it’ll fade once reciprocated. Usually a short explanation does the trick. People will likely ask questions if they’re confused, and it’s up to you whether you decide to give further details or not. Being upfront is your best bet. You can just say, ‘This is how I identify, plain and simple, here’s how it works.’ Short, sweet, and to the point, without overwhelming anybody. Sorry for the tardy response, and I hope this helped somewhat! 

[anonymousakoiromantic]

I've spent years of my life thinking I must have an attachment issue or something until I found out about lithromantic today. Some people even hate me, accusing me of being a flirt without actually dating anyone. I swear I did like them at that point but suddenly when it's reciprocated, I feel disgusted. I don't mean to be a bad person. Also, I might think I might be an ace as well as bi so now I'm really confused what I identity as. Can a person be all three? What label should I even use now?

I’ve always been of the mindset that you should use whatever labels you feel most comfortable with, the ones that you feel describe you the most and help you to feel better about defining who you are as an individual. A person can certainly be all three, if they feel all three labels apply to their given circumstances and personal identity. You are not a bad person, by the way. You don’t owe anybody anything, and the way that you feel is valid and justified. One thing to remember about the concept of identity in general is that it is fluid, subjective, constantly changing. It can be very easy to feel frustrated and confused when you’re unsure of what label to grasp onto, but reminding yourself that it’s okay to not know all the time can work wonders in relieving some of that pressure on yourself. There’s nothing wrong with identifying one way for some time, then realizing down the road you want to identify differently, or fall under a new label, etc. I hope this ramble could be somewhat helpful, and I wish you all the best, anon. 

[anonymousakoiromantic]

I just found this term last night & it feels like a relief to realize I’m not weird for having a crush on someone & the minute I learn they reciprocate, I lose any romantic feelings I had. I tried to date this one guy but the minute we started going out I wanted to be friends again & I broke it off (we’re still good friends!). Realizing I fall into the aromantic spectrum, mostly lithromantic, made me feel so happy & I cried tears of joy when I realized I wasn’t alone. Thank you for your blog.

I'm so happy this blog could be of help. Thank you for sharing this, and I'm glad to hear that you and your friend are still on good terms. Wishing you all the best, anon. (:

[fixedyourmeme]

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

Your experiences aren’t a debate.

[anonymousakoiromantic]

Thank you all for your endless patience with this blog.

These last few months have been increasingly difficult for me in my personal life. I still have instances of questioning my identity, wondering if maybe I'm actually capable of settling in a romantic relationship.

The impulse comes and goes in waves, and although it eventually subsides, that doesn't diminish how difficult and painful it is to feel that uncertainty. If this is something you're experiencing right now, know that you'll always have a support system here, and that you aren't alone.

Thank you all for allowing me to create this community here. It means as much to me as it does to you. I wouldn't have gotten to be so comfortable with my identity had it not been for this blog and those who follow it.

This difficult year has had me suppressing this part of who I am, but I'm glad to be able to return to this and remind myself that I am valid.

Thank you. Truly.

[anonymousakoiromantic]

so...i’m pretty sure i’m akoiromantic. but i want a relationship so damn bad. but i also don’t wanna hurt anyone. the reason i want a relationship is bc i like the lil affections that come w it. ya know, cuddling and going on cute dates and cute pet names, all that mushy stuff. but ya know how being akoi goes. and so far i’ve ended all my relationships as soon as i lost feelings bc i didn’t wanna hurt the other person. i crave that affection tho and i don’t wanna hurt anyone. what do??

One thing that I reiterate about something like this is that learning how to navigate the world of romance to fit what makes you comfortable is incredibly important. You have to be honest with yourself about what you want out of companionship, as you’ve said, things like affection and dates, and what labels of a relationship you’re okay with. Many people on the aro spectrum explore queer platonic relationships, which is always an option. Others aren’t as comfortable with defining companionship exclusively in that way, which is also fine. If you’re able to define what you want out of romance, you’ll likely also be able to be firm about what you don’t want, which is equally as important. This way, you’ll be in a better position to experiment with things like casual dating or getting close to people and feeling comfortable defining boundaries in whatever way suits you. My best advice for you would be to experiment with getting out there and finding what’s best for you. People experiment with dating all the time, not just when they go through struggles with identity. There’s nothing wrong with it. You’d be surprised how many people out there are comfortable and flexible with casual relationships, dating, doing whatever feels right and fretting about relationship labels later. Doing something like this can help you determine whether or not you are okay and comfortable with certain aspects of romance, or if swearing it off will suit you better.And if it turns out that this isn’t something that’s comfortable for you to do right now, I suggest taking some time for self-reflection and self-care. Practicing this never hurts and can only help. This will help you get into a better head space if you do decide you want to step out and experiment with romance again. I promise it’s possible to find a happy balance with this identity. I tortured myself for months after discovering this part of me, I thought I would never be happy, and I only felt immense guilt for hurting others. But now, I’ve come to terms with this, I know what I want out of feelings, affection, and intimacy, and I don’t have to worry that I’ll be hurting anyone again, because the people that I meet/casually date are on the same page as I am, so it works out. Don’t give up, give yourself some credit, and remember that no matter how difficult it is right now, everything is going to work out. You’ve got this.

[anonymousakoiromantic]

how did you learn to accept being akoi?

It took a lot of self-reflection and acceptance, and several months of struggling with an identity crisis to finally be okay with myself. I felt a lot of guilt because I found this identity when I was already in a relationship, and because of that I realized I had to break things off. One major thing that helped me was creating this blog, and learning to treat myself and my situation the way I would treat someone else’s. I taught myself that if someone else came to me looking for advice, I wouldn’t invalidate them, or tell them that they should feel guilty for identifying this way, things of that nature. If someone else came to me looking for advice, I’d be reassuring and helpful. So, if I was capable of maintaining that optimism with other people, I realized it wasn’t fair to rob myself of that same treatment. Learning that there are other people out there who don’t navigate the world of romance in the stereotypical monogamous way also helped wonders. Understanding that love and romance isn’t as cut and dry as most people make it out to be was incredibly beneficial. Hope this helped!