A Babbling Journey Through My Mind
So it begins! My commitment to spew thoughts into written words, and not erase them, burn them, or otherwise destruct the proof of what goes on in my mind. I’m already having my doubts, but I remind myself to remain logical... What have I got to lose? Haha, certainly not my mind. If anything, putting it all out here where I can refer back might help me find a new piece of my puzzle. Nothing to lose, and perhaps something to gain; fear not I remind myself, because that is living!
It’s October 8, 2015 now. Yesterday, I saw my sister for the first time since August 9, 2015. Side note: Thank you technology for reminding me exactly how long it’s been. Anyway, to make a long story short, she is in a new relationship with a long time love and they have taken temporary custody of 3 children. She has only been living with this man for three months. They have his two nephews who are 6 and 11, and his niece who is 14. My sister is only 23. I can’t even begin to fully wrap my mind around all that. So, I can only imagine how she feels.
Life weighs heavy on me when I think of all the children in this world with horrible and nonexistent parents. The odds for kids seem to be getting worse and worse all the time. This means humanity in general seems to be taking a turn for the worst.Â
One thought leads to another, and I realize how much life has changed with each passing year; and how much it will continue to change in the future. It’s hard, almost all the time! It’s more painful physically and emotionally, than I ever could have imagined as an innocent child. No one told me it would be so hard, or maybe they did and I just wasn’t hearing them :S And at the end of the day I remind myself, it could always be harder. I’m don’t go to church, but I pray for our strength almost every day. Sometimes I wonder what it would feel like to jump off a bridge, or get so fucked up my body shuts down; but living life offers many more wonders, so I opt to keep the wonder inside me alive.Â
I wrote the following on September 17th, when I couldn’t sleep... When I’m depressed, I feel like time is moving forward and I can’t progress fast enough to keep up. I’m just stuck; falling behind and eventually dead, without having accomplished all the things I’d hoped I could.
When the storm clouds of depression pass, I am able to see the distance I’ve come thus far, again. It really is a beautiful life when you’re determined to walk against the wind in the thick of it, and see all the things that flourish when the storm passes and the sun shines again.
I love the life found on earth; from the smallest cells to the largest animals ever known to existence. This is the most interesting thing of all, and it’s everywhere! Life, even at its worst is something to ponder until the end of my days here.
