E.R.

This is my poetic 20’s

[anonymouseher]

11:28am 1/4/22

I’ve fallen into this weird depression

I don’t know how

I don’t know when

But I’m constantly trying to claw my way out

I am again in a dark pit of my own thoughts

How do I escape ?

I know I need to address things …

But what exactly should I address that will bring light to my darkness ???

I bury my feelings so far away that I slightly feel them … but I don’t know where they are coming from or what unaddressed emotion is causing this …

My darkness is growing

[anonymouseher]

11:25pm 11/24/21

Ending relationships with all men im romantically involved with

So weird,

I’ve always kept myself attached to a man,

I can’t say that I still won’t,

But im happy I have this moment of clarity,

I want to work on myself more,

I can be better,

I mean im not even sure of who I am even am,

Im a lover that’s all I know,

I have so much love to give,

I need to give it to myself,

Im in a funk,

I need time and space to get out of it,

That’s what im trying to do now,

Gain space,

Gain clarity..

I’m so scared …

[2productive]

always try to finish the year off in a better position with yourself than when you entered it. there's still a month and a half left. a lot can be done in that time. job applications can be sent out, a higher salary can be negotiated, money can be saved up, weight can be lost, books can be read, a house can be deep cleaned, a bad relationship can end, you can finally start that youtube channel, a trip can be booked, and forgiveness can be granted. do something that says, "no matter what happened this year, at least I am walking away with this. I didn't have this before." give this 365 page book a satisfactory ending.

[anonymouseher]

10:41 PM Nov 19th 2021

It’s me out growing everyone

Idk if I really care to have anyone around anymore,

Everyone’s I so counterfeit,

I don’t want a man either,

No one truly sparks or has my best interest and I refuse to settle,

When it comes to friends and lovers,

All I have is myself at this point,

Myself and my family …

I think this is apart of my transition,

I always shed friends…

This revaluation is cloudy,

But I know I’m on my way

[anonymouseher]

2:34pm nov 19th 2021

I take this brief moment in my car while waiting for my griot plate,

To reflect,

I’m so self destructive,

And in this weird manner where I still maintain things,

I just know I could be so much better if I didn’t have this overwhelming feeling,

Like Inhibit my own greatness,

I’ve just felt so stuck lately,

I don’t feel good enough for anything,

I can’t even bare to sit with my thoughts,

Idk I’m at this weird cross road and I need to address it

But damn it’s depressing

[anonymouseher]

8:28 am Nov17th 2021

I love when I write,

I articulate so well,

It’s crazy that I can’t see my true beauty for all that it is,

I hang on to the descriptive words about myself from other cause idk how I truly feel about me …

It’s a sad existence,

Idk why I always wish I could see myself from someone else’s point of view

Like it will make me love myself so much more ..

I guess it cause I know I’m great somewhere deep down,

I just don’t believe it,

I could always be better,

I can always be more perfect …

But when will I stop chasing this ideal me & just be happy with all that I am ?

I get fleeting moments of gratitude for who I am,

I just wish I could live in that truth everyday..

[anonymouseher]

Feel like my mind has been so scattered lately,

Day to day is fine in the moment,

But when I really think about it I feel like my head is spinning,

And it’s not like I have sooooo much going on,

I just don’t know if I’ve taken a moment to myself…

I’m scared to take a moment alone with my thoughts,

I always keep running hoping I don’t have to process things and I’ll just get over them somehow,

But now I feel like my emotions are spinning and I can’t pin point why,

I’m sure it’s a multitude of things,

I’m at a state of depression…

No one will truly ever be able to tell because I keep up with day to day life so well…

But I’m not taking care of myself like I should,

I know my problems are so small compared to those of other but I just hate the fact that I feel like I’m losing myself…

If I could sleep all day everyday I would …

But that would be too noticeable to those around me,

As sit in this stair well writing this while on a break from class idk how I plan to move forward to correct this…

I still don’t want to be alone with my thoughts

But at least I’ve come to recognize what I’m doing and how unhealthy I feel …

I guess that’s a first step …

[itszonez]

Padma Lakshmi for The Cut photographed by Justin French (2021)

[anonymouseher]

[anonymouseher]

Your soft admissions of pleasure

Nothing gets me wetter .. 

[anonymouseher]

10:19 PM July 15th

Soft admissions of pleasure

The way you held me

And whispered in my ear

In that moment there’s no place I’d rather be then here

Your soft admission of pleasure

I love when we’re together

I crave you now

It must be clear the way I make you drown

I want you everyday

That’s how I know I should stay away

[anonymouseher]

12:22 July 15th 2021

Everyday you told me you loved me ..

How could it end so ugly

End so abruptly

I often wonder what was real and what wasn’t

But I find solace in knowing I loved you authentically

[anonymouseher]

12:17pm July 7th 2021

Growing so much everyday

From everything not serving me,

I’ve walked away,

But the real challenge is not doubling back,

Cause why in the hell would I ever do that

[anonymouseher]

Made my first bathing suit top 😌 Share to support my design journey 💘

[anonymouseher]

4:27 2/29/21

I get so invested in my relationships

It’s unhealthy

Today I talked about it in therapy

It helped me be way more aware of things

E.R.

[anonymouseher]

4:19 1/29/21

I feel like a freak when I’m weak

Like why can’t I just be perfect, maybe then I’ll be worth it

E.R.

[anonymouseher]

4:17 1/29/21

Loved or judged

Those lines blur so much

E.R.