AS - Drive, Tea, Convo For the Reader
The novel is finally finished and has been uploaded and is currently being reviewed before it is made available on Amazon KDP.
That being said, I think now is a good time to share my first For The Reader post.
As I posted in Facebook (Drive, Tea, Convo), my computer died and I am unable to login to my Gmail account, which means I am not able to log into WordPress. :-( I'll look to get this figured-out, however, in the meantime I will use this platform, Facebook and Instagram to provide updates and release blogs.
Enjoy!
Anonymously Speaking: For The Reader
01: More Than Words That Cross Lips
It is 8:57 on a Tuesday morning in late May.
I’ll share with you a reality that lays, deep within a heart; a reality that is often hidden in the laundry room beneath soiled clothing or poorly represented due to an inability to honestly recognize, face, and understand something that remains in the protective confines of shadows and darkness.
I have something that I want to share with you. First, please let me preface this by saying, I typically do not share these things for a specific reason. After I encountered Jesus, He changed me and instantly my perspective changed and my sadness turned to joy, and the defeats and life ruining decisions that I once believed I made, were now revealed as areas to surrender and permit for victory for the King and deeper levels of understanding for others and myself. I learned to leave the past that Jesus forgave me for, in the past. Much like Lot and his family being led by an angel out of Sodom and Gomorra or Joshua leading the children of Israel into the promise land, to keep my sights focused on seeking first, His Kingdom and righteousness and not being swayed to the left or to the right.
I will however, much like the twelve stones carried on dry land over the Jordan river and set as a monument, share, directly with a person what the Lord has done, when it is something that I believe can meet them where they're at to inspire hope and point to Him. It’s part of a testimony I have of the power of the blood of the Lamb.
When I awoke a memory arose to the forefront of my mind; a memory that I hadn't thought about in over a decade. A memory that used to hold such cringing embarrassment, inducing a mental discomfort and a stigma, that fit tight like a sweat suit during a run, persuading me that there was something unfixable within me.
I remember when I was at the depths of what I, then, called depression, I remember how dearly I struggled to make friends and form bonds of sincerity that I yearned for dearly. I struggled ‘feeling normal' around people, and in that struggled the main, glaring, effect was I struggled to ‘act normal'. I learned to put on a performance - a performance that even I cringed at, at times – that left me feeling dejected, drained for energy, and phony. I learned to mask social anxiety with medication, light and heavy street drugs, alcohol, insensitive jokes, long ramblings, repeat conversations, co-dependence, empty sensual pursuits, premature evacuations from gatherings, no-shows at meaningful events, talking brashly about my life, exaggerated accomplishments, extreme rumination and self-focus, submitting to fears, so on and so forth.
I was wrong and I was selfish, but I didn’t see it at the time. I was a slave to sin, but I didn’t know it. I was dominated by my fears and the opinions of others, but I didn’t face it. Again, I was wrong and I did many things that I was ashamed of. I can say that now, in all honesty, because I can both see and face what I couldn’t before. Jesus removed the beam from my eye then He taught me to live life in a way that is honest and pure. It was very difficult. It was like waking up as an adult and realizing I was an adolescent at heart and mind and I had to learned how to deal with situations that I once believed were proper and healthy, but in an instant I realized that I was the one that was wrong all along, and that the core of my heart was selfish and that my actions had very deep consequences to the lives of the people around me, as well as spiritual consequences that I didn’t, yet, understand.
The first thing I did was ask for a vision, then I sought understanding.
Although it is such a long time ago – and I was a different person – I can faintly remember how ashamed I was to admit that I was struggling inside. I used to be guilty of comparing myself to select people and coveting their possessions and lifestyles and in the void, created by these comparisons, my confidence and self-worth plummeted like the Stock Market on Black Tuesday, Oct. 29, 1929.
I'll share a story with you that can help illustrate an effect of a hidden brokenness I experienced internally. It can shed a little light on a situation that is often not shared – or recalled by the person – in an attempt to raise awareness of what I experienced. I understand that although it can help reveal a glimpse of what took place in a moment in time it will never be enough to fully exemplify what I felt and was feeling in that moment, or as my friend so succinctly articulated:
"There will always be more to the way I feel, than words that cross lips."
I appreciate the way he worded this. It sums up a feeling that I believe is more commonplace than we'll ever realize.
I remember meeting a group of guys that played road hockey. I felt very comfortable around most of them. A comfort that wasn't always normal for me as I would get picked on and made fun of quite a bit. I stuttered and I lacked confidence to hold eye-contact which seemed to make me a direct target for some personalities. I remember two of them and I made plans to go to a restaurant to watch a popular sporting event. I was excited to go with them, however, at the same time, my mind kept thinking about all of the things that could go wrong or could happen, causing my internal system to flood with crippling anxiety. I turned to alcohol to alleviate the stress I was experiencing that evening. This was part of a coping mechanism I learned in my teenage years. One that had me live in an altered state of consciousness to escape the internal state that inspired suffering and perpetual unease.
I remember at the end of the night, before the main event, my two friends and I were standing outside having a cigarette. I was struggling, deeply inside, although I put on a mask of ‘happy go-lucky’. I remember looking at one of the two guys and saying in all honesty, "Hey, can I get a ride home with you guys after the fights?” I remember he looked at his half-brother and started laughing as he attempted to ease the awkwardness in the moment by stating, "No, we're going to make you walk home.” I remember the awkwardness I felt as it quickly occurred to me that my fear was unfounded and my question was abnormal. I wanted to cry and hide, yet I fought through unseen tears and continued smoking. I remember my friend abruptly stopped his laughter as something shifted in his mind; it was like he immediately understood my question was intentional and not meant to be humorous.
To them, that ridiculous question may have been the result of an unfounded fear, or an alcohol influenced mishap, however, to me, that was an acceptable response to a fear based in a reality of several traumatic events that I incorrectly worked through as a child.
I remember feeling so awkward in my skin and I struggled deeply with something I wouldn't dare share with anyone, whether it be a close friend, a counselor, or a deeply trusted pastor. The shame was so intense I committed to keeping it chained, locked-up, and drowned beneath conscience altering chemicals. I acted out in various ways and craved attention and acceptance but the one thing I was afraid to admit, the thing I can now see as clearly as seeing the sun is, I just wanted to be normal and live a life of love and peace. I can talk, transparently, about this now as well as the traumatic events that shaped my frame of perception as a child. I can face them each with limited discharge of mind paralyzing emotions as the Holy Spirit has brought me to them and has comforted me as He revealed to me what truly took place, beneath the surface. I can do this now, however, at the time I would have cringed and reacted aggressively, as an emotional discharge that I didn’t understand would dominate my thoughts and actions. I was bound by darkness, at that point in my life, however, I didn’t know or understand it as it had yet to be revealed to me. That being true, and the pain being justifiable, it didn’t justify my self-destructive, cruel, and manipulative behaviors – behaviors that I now understand reaped spiritual consequences; spiritual consequences that played out like patterns. I was of the world and performed the lusts of the world.
I understand, fully, how important it is to bring to the surface those things that try to remain in the dark crevices of an incomplete heart. I fully understand how relieving it can be to hear someone else describe something that you experience and struggle with in solitude, but are unable to put into words. I understand how frustrating that can be. I now, praise God, have seen and understand there are countless people who have loved ones that they see struggling in silence and slipping into the grips of what our society labels mental health issues. I have been given a glimpse of their anguish and the state of helplessness they experience as they try to make sense of something hidden, something they cannot relate to, something that has never been explained in a such a way that it reveals a root cause and not just the side effects, symptoms, and pharmaceuticals that do not cure what you have but permit you to cope while causing other side issues.
Last night I uploaded the file for the Anonymously Speaking, Drive, Tea, Convo 1 - 4 Gift Edition soft cover novel. I was exhausted and when I looked at the preview, there were several errors tossed - errors that need to be resolved before I can move forward with publication. Some of the errors had to do with margins while other errors had to do with formatting issues I overlooked. This morning, I'll go through the manuscript and will address each of these errors, and will upload the final copy at its completion.
I felt, however, that it would be wise to add a little insight into why this piece is so dear to me and the core driving force of why I desired to 'drop everything' and help my friend's daughter and friend get their own place and get distance from abuse.
I know what it is like to be abused as a kid and how much it changes you and brings you to a place, on the other side of a great divide; a divide that gets greater and greater as the social misfires and miscues add up. I know how much it jades your perception of reality and love. I know how it compromises your ability to trust while inspiring you to believe that you do not care, when in reality, you care deeply, you simply do not know how to handle the hurt and confusion you’re experiencing. I know how awkward, alone, and disconnected you can feel as a result of acting in ways that you are convinced will protect you, yet, conversely, keep you and others at a distance of conversational disconnect and emotional abandonment. I understand how difficult it is to look people in the eyes when lies in your mind have convinced you that you're worthless, and your life doesn't hold value because of the things you lack and the choices you made that you now regret. I know what it’s like to watch people you love, justify doing things in private, they stand firm against in public. I know the confusion and hurt it inspires. I also know what it’s like to struggle inside and in doing so experience the pang of rejection; a rejection that can make you a target for more attacks as you experience the existence of a social pariah.
This work is important to me because I made a promise to another, a promise that I will keep. The intent of this work is to organically expose the root of some of these issues and bring them from the darkness, into the light. It is my intent to reveal the One who can, and desires, to make all things new. Beauty for ashes is such a wonderful trade that only the One who's worthy of the titles, King of kings, Lord of lords, and Prince of Peace can offer.
My eyes are teary. Behind the tears, my vision is blurred.
I think this is the perfect first entry for the 'For The Reader' section, as well as, my first blog post. I think I'll wait until the manuscript has been approved and processed before I submit this post. Perhaps, this may also be an accurate description for this book as it doesn’t speak about the actual book, or what is in the book, but rather the foundational intent and desire of this work in general.
I love when things unfold organically. Nothing forced or controlled. Each question being answered in due time during due process. Patience is key and fully letting go is essential.
I’m very excited to be so close to the finish line of this portion. I’ll retain focus and composure and as I keep the vision in mind, I’ll focus on each proceeding step.
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