Hi all! Welcome back and hello to the couple of new followers I got over the weekend. As we move closer to present day, the story is getting harder to write, as the memories are so recent they are still affecting me quite a bit. I read something that hit home the other day, “the twin flame journey truly requires nerves of steel”. This couldn’t be more true. In just this past year, I have gone through so much it feels like my life has been thrown into a blender. If you are just starting my story here, I encourage you to look back to the beginning of my journey and the last seven years with my twin.
Back in Los Angeles things with Roger and I are understandable rocky. I have already decided at this point that this is not the man I am supposed to end up with, regardless of what happens with Pat and I. However, I have no desire to hurt him, nor has he even done anything wrong. We are just complete opposites in every way, no matter what I do I can’t find myself being attracted to him, and I get frustrated with myself because I know, on paper, theres absolutely nothing wrong with him. I should be happy that I’m married to this great guy that treats me wonderfully, but I'm just not. I decide that after only four months, I already want a divorce.
I tell Roger about this but his reaction and pain are too much for me to handle, so I put it on the back burner and decide to give it another try. I’m in no rush after all, and maybe I'm still just having a freak out moment, and my feelings would change.
One thing I wasn’t going to change my mind about, however, was seeing Pat when he gets back to LA that week. I know it wasn’t exactly the “right thing” to do when I’m trying to work on my marriage, but I wasn't going to squash any opportunities with something that feels SO right, for something that feels wrong, even if I am giving it a try.
As soon as Pat landed in LA, he messaged me. I sent him a casual “Welcome back.” even though my insides where going crazy with excitement. He replied with “Thank you!” and the big toothy smile emoji. I knew I was already in trouble. I can’t even have casual texts with this guy without almost tearing up in happiness.
He is very busy in the studio for most of the week but we kept in touch and kept each other updated. He cutely tries to name drop a little bit here and there, telling me who he is working with as if to impress me. I’ve lived in LA a long time so I am not so much impressed, but love that he cares enough to try. Friday night comes along and he invites me to come with him and some mutual LA friends to a bar the next day on Saturday.
I couldn’t even sleep that night I was so excited. I just wanted to give the universe a huge high five as I just felt we were in this together, and it was helping me along, every step of the way. I knew in my heart I was doing the right thing for myself, even though by regular standards, from an outside perspective, it might look pretty shitty, so the only thing I had at this time to keep me holding onto my belief that this was right, was the universe continuously sending me signs and little validations that I was on the right path.
Saturday afternoon comes along, and Pat messages me again, wanting to make sure I am coming that evening. I assure him that I am, and will see him later. I have a birthday party that I had already planned to go to before I made plans with Pat, so I hit up that party first for a little bit, its not that big of a deal because its just a friend of a friend, and she totally understood when I told her who I was going to meet.
I leave the birthday party, and arrive at the bar where Pat is waiting inside. It takes me a minute to compose myself, I am already heavily affected by his presence and I am not even inside the place yet. I go inside, and there he is, standing at the bar, facing the door, as if to see everyone who walks in. He is so incredibly beautiful, like a complete masterpiece, the highest form of humanity, staring at me, smiling as I walk over. I am already in heaven. I give him a warm hug and then head to the bathroom to pee and send the few friends I have kept updated on this some texts. I need some encouragement from them to get through this night.
I came out and Pat ran up to me, taking me over to where everyone was sitting. Holy shit, I guess word had gotten out that he was in town. There was about 20 or more people there, and I knew a lot of them. I was a little annoyed because I knew that meant mingling with a lot of people, and there was only one person there that I really cared about talking to.
Pat and I sat down and the world fell away for at least a few minutes. He told me he had gotten food from this fancy vegan restaurant in town and all he could think about was how he wanted to take me there. He joked about their $15 Moscow Mules and I made him laugh asking him if he was referring to the drink in the “cold ass cups”. We continued on, making each other laugh and just simply being Pat and I, until predictably, we were interrupted, and we both got wrangled into conversations with other people.
We found our way back and forth to each other throughout the night. I didn't notice this at the time, but I realized it later, that every time I would get out of my seat and go to the bar that was out of sight from the area we were sitting, Pat noticed and would be there right behind me only a few seconds later. He couldn’t spend the entire evening talking to me, but he kept tabs on me. There was a few notable times of jealousy, when I was sitting next to him and another man came up to me offering to buy me a drink. “Can’t he see I'm sitting right next to you?” He questioned, with an annoyed tone. I’ve never been a fan of petty jealousy, to be honest, but I absolutely loved it coming from him. I guess it was just more validation that he had feelings for me. Another time, was when I was up at the bar yet again, and I was talking to two of Pat’s more attractive friends. Pat once again casually tried to follow me, realizing I had been away too long and asked me to come sit back down with him. I did so, ending my conversation with the two guys. They followed us back to the seating area and sat across the room from us. Pat pointed out how they were staring at him and I, and said in an almost cocky tone “look how mad they are that I took you away from them.”
I was a little annoyed at this, he was being rather possessive over me, for someone who wasn’t willing to do anything about it and make me actually his. This caused me to get a little sassy with him and called him out for his actions. We had a little banter back and forth, and I stood up, threatening to leave, in a half serious way. “You’re leaving me?” he said in the exact same sweet voice he had said it on the cruise only a few days before. Ugh, I sat back down immediately as if I was stuck in some super moon’s gravitational pull.
We sat there together on the couch with people circled around us for the rest of the time the bar was open. He got into a conversation about turn ons with one of our mutual friends and he started talking about his foot fetish. As he was telling the guy about it, he slid his hand down my exposed leg (I was wearing a dress) all the way to my foot in my open-toed heels. Holy fuck.
People started to clear out as it was getting later and later. Pat and I were getting a little too flirty when our conversation turned serious. He openly asked me what I thought about him as a married man hanging out with me. His mood changed a little as I think he was starting to feel guilty about what was happening between us. I told him I couldn't just answer that off the top of my head, and I needed a little time to think about it, but in the meantime we aren’t letting anything happen between us, and I really enjoyed his company. He lightened up a little bit, as he agreed with me on that, at least and just said he didn't like having to lie to his wife, as he knew she wouldn’t approve of him hanging out with me. “Oh, she wouldn’t like that I'm trying to steal her husband?” I said, and immediately followed by telling him I was joking, although I wasn’t.
“is that your plan?” he went along with the joke, laughing with me and smiling.
It was time to leave, he held his arm out, courting me to the outside of the bar and asked if me and one of his other friends wanted to go back to his AirBNB and continue hanging out. I said yes and told him I would get the Uber.
We got there, and Pat avoided talking about anything serious in front of his friend, the only time we were able to speak openly with each other is when the friend briefly went to the bathroom. Pat almost jumped down my throat in this moment, conveying how frustrated he was by all of this, and I almost got the feeling he was blaming me for all of it. I thought this was funny, because we were sitting on the couch together and he was sitting so close to me, right up against me to the point where I was almost squished against the arm of the couch. I had sat down first, and this was a big couch, with plenty of room on the other side, so he didn’t need to be touching me, but he was. My point is, he was putting himself in these situations just as much as I was. He wanted me to come out tonight, he wanted me next to him all night, he wanted me to come back to his place, and now, he wanted to be stuck together on the couch like Siamese twins. (No pun intended).
The friend came back and the mood turned light again. Pat again making sure that I ate and shoving one of those horrible crumby power bars in my mouth. It was 3am, and I thought it might be time to leave, I made the mistake of complaining out loud about how much the Uber was going to be to get home. I guess it was surge pricing. Pat refused to let me call it. We argued about this for like 10 minutes, he stood there in front of me refusing to let me push the button, insisting that I stay in his bed, and he would sleep on the floor. I went back and forth about this with him forever, he eventually got me to the bedroom sitting down, but I stood up again, saying no, I can’t stay, it would be rude. “Woman!!” he bellowed at me. “Sit your butt down and go to sleep. its fine.”
I finally did, and being a complete gentleman, he went into the living room to sleep on the floor with his friend. I definitely couldn't sleep. I was sitting there, in Pat’s room, even if it was just a temporary one, his stuff was still everywhere, and I could smell his scent on the pillow I was laying on.
I eventually did manage to sleep, but only for a few hours. I woke up around 7am, and laid there, taking in everything in his room, now that it was covered in light. I saw his jean jacket he always wears hanging on the doorknob, his crushed velvet blazer, hanging in the closet, the one and only item in there. His grey suitcase, and his two pairs of boots I was ever so familiar with. I went into the bathroom and saw a slew of styling products for his beautiful, mid length lion’s mane of hair, and moisturizer for his baby soft face. I love a man that truly takes care of himself and cares about his appearance.
I got back in bed and laid there for what felt like forever, thinking about whether I should let the more serious side of our conversation from last night go, or if I should try to bring it up again, attempting to resolve it. I felt as if there was some tension between us now that needed to be dealt with. The last thing I would ever want is for him to have a bad opinion of me or my actions, even though I knew he was just as guilty as me.
11am came and I finally got sick of laying there and got up the courage to go try and get the lazy boys up. I went in there and started poking Pat gingerly, trying to wake him. It was almost deja vu and reminiscent of the time I tried to wake him in the same way in 2012, and in that same way as before, he woke up a little grumpy. I reminded him that he had to head to the airport in an hour and he got up and started to get his things together. I went back in the room, made the bed for him and laid on top of it, waiting for him to be ready to leave. He took a quick shower, and again reminiscent of 2012, came out half naked, and continued to walk around and pack the rest of his things, chatting with me as if it was no big deal. I had to look the other way the majority of the time until he got dressed. He noticed I was still laying there in my dress from last night and said, “Oh, you didn't pack an overnight bag, huh?” No... was I supposed to? I thought. As far as I knew, staying over was completely by accident.
I went into the living room with the other friend that had stayed over and we hung out while Pat was finishing up. I looked around the room, studying more of Pat’s stuff. I noticed he was a weirdo like me, and had 10 things of all natural vitamins and other “strange” things he took everyday, as well as a rose quartz crystal sitting out on the counter. I had taken one of these with me every time I was to see Pat, as sort of a good luck in love charm. Interesting.
Pat came out and I commented on his vitamins. It came up that I can't take pills without swallowing them down with food, rather than liquid and he over animatedly made fun of me, trying to recreate what that would be like, making weird choking and swallowing noises until the point that I was almost in tears laughing. Whatever, its not that serious. He seemed to be in a better mood about last night than I was, bringing up random new inside jokes we now had, like the “cold ass cup” that he found so hilarious for some reason.
He finally finished packing, and we all headed out the door. He offered to drive us both home since we both lived on the way to LAX airport. I sat in the passengers seat with him and we stopped and got coffee, it was too big for him so we shared it. Side note: I wish I could remember the place we went, it was really good coffee! Anyway, so we continued on, dropping off his friend first, thankfully. Okay, finally, we are alone and I can talk to him. It took me a few moments, I was so scared to bring it up. “Can I get deep with you for a minute?” I asked him. “Okay, lets get deep.” He replied. I could tell he was focused and all ears. This made me even more nervous.
I told him my concerns, that I didn't want him to think badly of me, or that I was attempting to be some kind of home-wrecker. I told him I was only “half serious” about the flirty jokes I would make to him, like the one about stealing him from his wife. He laughed and repeated the “half serious” part. I continued on, saying that I really respect how good he has been to his wife, but assured him that even if he did try something in a moment of weakness, I would stop it, as I didn’t want him to cheat, just as much as he didn’t want to. I told him I'm not interested in one night stands or flings anyway, and alluded to the fact that thats all we could be right now. I told him I didn’t sleep around, and that I had only been with four guys in that way, so I didn’t want him to think I was just some slut coming onto him.
He was really intrigued by the fact that I have only been with four guys, not because he actually did think I was a slut, but because thats really rare in anybody now a days. He told me of course he doesn’t think of me that way, and he knows I’m not trying to be a home-wrecker. He said he loves spending time with me and that he is unsure what to do about it because he hates lying to his wife and thinks it is inappropriate that we hang out the way we do. He basically admitted to me that he hated what he had gotten himself into, but he made a vow, and was trying to be a good guy. Hmm. Sounds familiar.
I once again danced around, and played down my feelings for him, when I probably just should have been completely honest. I wish he could’ve known how much I loved him right then and there, regardless of what his reaction would be, but I didn't feel it was the right time. I had to be respectful of his wishes to be a good man to his wife.
We talked a little longer about it, there wasn't really a resolution, because I don’t think a resolution was ready to present itself. That part of the conversation ended, when I made some comment like. “Okay, thats all I wanted to know, so you don’t think I'm a home-wrecker?” I asked sweetly. “No, of course not, home-wrecker!” He joked, and I slapped his arm.
The conversation turned to him asking me questions about Roger. He was really curious how I was able to stay out with him all night and how I get away with not acting married at all. I told him I did act married in my day to day, but the problem was I was not in love with Roger. I was not physically, emotionally or even spiritually attracted to him. I told him how it wasn’t going to workout and I was already thinking about a divorce. “You just got married 4 months ago!” he laughed at me. First of all, I never told Pat when I got married, and I blocked him from seeing my wedding pictures on facebook. The only way he could know this, is if he lurked on Roger’s page. Hilarious. Second of all, I then told Pat all about the engagement, and how my family had took over and I just felt I couldn't get out of it.
He found all of this quite hilarious, light heartedly making fun of me for getting myself into this mess, and everything from Roger’s career choice, comparing him to a male nurse, to the fact that we have zero in common. I laughed back with him sarcastically. Nice to know he finds my life so funny. Laugh all you want buddy, I know why you are secretly happy about all this, and what you just told me about your marriage.
We laughed about this nonsense all the way to my place. He drove up and parked the car. I told him I would hopefully see him soon, and he said he would probably be back in a few months. “Give me a hug.” He demanded. I did, and then opened the car door half heartedly, not wanting our time together to be over.
I went upstairs, I was so sad he was gone, but felt very good about our car conversation, even though it seemingly didn't have a resolution. I knew the next few weeks would be extremely hard to endure, as I was still with Roger, trying to work things out, for his sake, not mine. Don’t get me wrong, Roger was still basically my best friend, and I enjoyed spending time with him, but romantically, I was over it, and it was hard to pretend. I didn’t want to hold hands, or kiss, and definitely didn't want to sleep with him. That was especially on my mind, because in just a few weeks from now, we had our honeymoon in Hawaii coming up. How could I go on a honeymoon with another man when all I could think about was my twin flame?
