For a very long time after breaking up with the Ex, on the many sleepless nights I've had, whenever my thoughts drifted to him, I'd always whisper, as though he could hear it, "I wished you'd knew..."
And then stop there. Because I didn't know what I wished he'd knew. This lack of closure, because of the abruptness in the end of our relationship, was probably the reason I've found it so hard to move on.
It was a few nights ago, slightly more than two years after the breakup, that it finally hit me. What I wished he'd knew.
I envisioned myself as a ghost from the future, visiting him the night before our breakup, trying to figure out what it was that I needed to tell him. And it came so clearly.
We'd hold each other in our arms, and I'd tell him that it wasn't working anymore, me and him. That our love for each other, sadly, was not able to conquer the differences that drove us apart. That I'd initiate the breakup the day after, and that we should both accept it as the end we both need and deserve, for it'd be in the best interests for the both of us.
Even if what I'd wanted him to do then was to come after me, and tell me that, despite the uncertainty we both had of the relationship then, he still loved me and we should try to work something out.
Because the break up, as I've come to see it as time passed, was a good thing for the both of us. I can't speak much for him, other than the fact that he does seem happier with his current partner.
But for me, it has matured me so much as a person, made me a slightly better person, and for that, I am thankful. And I think that was the final closure I needed.
I've been sick, really sick actually, yesterday and today. But it's been the first time in a long time that I've not thought about the Ex when I'm really sick. When I'd wish that he'd be there for me, there with me.
But I had a dream, a dream with him. In the dream, we seemed to be dating, but it seemed different. I was aware that the person I was was the me after the breakup, and the stage of the dream was a Starbucks, where we'd chill out frequently at while dating, and buses headed to Johore behind us (dreamscapes can be pretty wacky).
We were happy in that dream. Really sweet, and really happy. I woke up remembering the dream with a smile. I've always consoled myself that in the dreams that we were happy, that I'd be actually in an alternate universe, where we'd have a happy ending together.
Cheers then perhaps, to all the happy endings we'd have and never know about.
