The errant ramblings of yet another ardent atman.. @anotherardentatman - Tumblr Blog

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So tomorrow will be 3 months since you shuffled off this mortal coil. It's been 9 months since we last had a conversation. I saw you 3 1/2 months ago and it hurts my soul to remember you lying there, helplessly hooked up to all those machines. I foolishly allowed my anger and pride to come between us. So many times our pride creates an obstacle that can never be overcome.

How I wish I hadn't.

I know if you were here right now you would roll your eyes at me and tell me to quit get upset over you. You'd laugh and call me a baby. But I can't help it.

I remember the first time we ever talked. I came in looking for a job and thought Dog was you. Hahaha, wasn't that a horrible mistake? I left my number and went about my business. Later that evening I was hanging out at Gina's apartment. I think we were about to go out. You called and we talked on the phone for at least a half hour. I think you had decided to give me the job within the first 5 minutes of our conversation - the rest of it was just us bullshitting. I came in the next day and you "officially" interviewed me. I think I sat in your office for an hour and we talked about everything. That was the start of our long, deep friendship. Lord it was not nearly long enough.

I spent hours every day talking to you. We talked of war and the military, politics and religion, our pasts and futures, your children and eventually mine, We listened to music - you introduced me to one of my new favorite artists. Chester See will forever be associated with you!

We got along on most things but lord when we bumped heads, we bumped heads! We both were so stubborn and bullheaded, lol. That's prolly half the reason of why we got along so well! I remember getting so mad at you and not talking to your for 2 weeks. Spent all day at work just glowering at you for 2 whole weeks. Lol, Joseph was so relieved when we started talking again.

You were like my dad and uncle and confidant and best friend all rolled up into once grizzly, grumpy, slightly mental war vet/biker package. \

You were stubborn and impetuous, bold and brash, and honestly a damn asshole. You were an overgrown child. lol. But damnit I loved you.

Miss you D. Keep 'em cold for us. Imma swing by with a Bud Light and some Newports for ya soon.

Dennis James Johnson December 12, 1964 to January 26, 2014.

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This is us. We take turns falling asleep on the other's chest, allowing the rhythm of our hearts to rock us to sleep. This is the first song we danced to in the backyard late one night in March. The only light was from the stars and the dying fire in the firepit. There was nothing else in the world except he and I. He is my heaven on earth.

He is my lullaby.

Things I don't understand...

I like to think that I am a laid back person. I am fairly open minded and I think I can get along with anyone. I try not to be mean to anyone, even if they deserve it. Most people seem to like me. I know that universal popularity is not possible but it truly boggles my mind when someone dislikes me and, in my opinion, has absolutely no reason to.

Take for instance HER. She had him for 12 years and never loved him or treated him right. Threw him out 10 times in 12 years. Cheated on him several times. Hit him, used him, manipulated him, hurt him, used his kids against him, even tried (and still tries) to turn his family against him. When I first met them 8 1/2 years ago, they were *happily* married and I was nothing. But she hated me right then and there because I was female. Flash forward to the present and now she loathes me. I have a feeling I am going to be in his life for a long time, therefore in his kids' life for a long time. Despite the slander and libel she spreads about me, I want nothing more than for us to be able to be civil. I know we can't be friends - she's too crazy and petty for that anyway. But for the sake of the beautiful children involved, I want to be able to communicate with her. But we can't. We tried and it was great for a few weeks. She dashed that to shreds though, trying to split he and I up. Hasn't she figured out yet that everything she does to drive us apart merely strengthens our relationship?

I digress.

I don't understand why she hates me. She doesn't want him to the point that she goes out of her way to hurt him. Tells him to move on but clearly she's the one who hasn't moved on. What kills me is that she talks negatively about me to the kids. They are 6 (the girl) and 9 (the boy). Man, you just don't do that. I got babygirl nail polish for Christmas but have only gotten to paint her nails once. She makes sure to paint babygirl's nails the night before she stays with us. Last week, she told the boy to tell me not to paint her nails and "mess them up" because she slaved over them for hours the day before. Babygirl's nails were chipped and messed up but I had a 9 year old tell me I wasn't allowed to paint them.

That's ok, my love's mom painted them. And he is going to paint them for me every time she stays with us. I know that may be petty but I get satisfaction from it.

I make it a point to tell them when they leave to listen to their momma and to be good for her. She makes it a point to tell them that I am a bad person, that I hurt their momma years ago.

How can you do that to a child?

My biggest fear is that she is going to make the kids despise her. They will always love her - that's their mother and I wouldn't allow anything else. But she is doing what my mother did to me and one day she is going to hate herself for it, even if she never admits it to anyone. And it saddens me to know this.

How crazy am I that I want to be friends with my boyfriend's ex-wife? How stupid am I that it hurts me to know she hates me so passionately for no good reason? I know that it's not technically me, it would be any female he was with. But still...

She informed my love that I am not allowed to go to their son's birthday party. That hurt me a lot. But hey...more rope for her to hang herself with.

When I started at the tattoo shop I'm at now, the owner, who happens to be on of my love's best friends, posted a status about me starting there. She actually on Facebook in front of everyone put a rude and derogatory comment on the status.

Just. Blows. My. Mind.

I've got to change subjects or I'll be ranting about her all day.

Why do people wear clothes that don't fit? I am a believe that everyone, no matter their physical type, can be absolutely gorgeous as long as they dress appropriately. Last night I went dancing with some of my girlfriends. There was a girl there that from behind didn't look too bad. She had some muffin top going on but it wasn't too major. I hate muffin tops - quit being vain, buy a size bigger in your pants, and know that you look fabulous. A guy doesn't care the size pants you fit in but he does care if you have fluff hanging out!!! Anyways, it wasn't too bad - until she turned around. She had a FUPA hanging below her belt line. **twitch** I realize this is me being a bit rude and judgmental but oh well. Dress to your body. Girls my size can muffin top, so this is nothing against anyone who is bigger.

Why is it that people have to be so "I'm right and therefore what you think is wrong?" After the big Nye-Ham debate, I shared a BuzzFeed post that was from evolutionists' point of view. I wasn't stating that I was an evolutionist or anything negative against creationists. I honestly shared it because there was a Pastafarain reference and one of my closest friends is a minister for the Church Of The Flying Spaghetti Monster. I had a man who is like a father go off on a rant about how you're wrong if you're an evolutionist, while admitting that he though evolution is what happened before God create man. Then he posted some "evolutionists are dumb" jokes on my Facebook wall. I laughed at them - I laugh at any joke, regardless of whether the point of view conflicts with my beliefs if it's funny. But I know that he is going to preach to me the next time I see him. Why do my beliefs make such an impact on his life? I don't ask him to change his views, I don't try to argue and change his mind, I simply accept his beliefs as part of who he is and move on. Why must their be so much resentment and strife when it comes to an individual's beliefs? I don't care what race you are, your sexual orientation, your religious preference, your political affiliation, etc. is as long as you're respectful to me. Why can't everyone be like that? Lord knows I'm not perfect and have been guilty of this before, but for the most part, I try to keep my opinions to myself on stuff because there's no point in causing dissension. I love the argument that gay marriage destroys the sanctity of marriage. Brittney Spears anyone? Hell, I'm fixing to get divorced.

Wish more people were like that. The not hateful bit, not the aiding in the destruction of the sanctity of marriage bit.

I think I'm borderline delirious. This post is prolly nothing but incoherent babbling. Sorry about that.

Hate is not an option.

I had a rough childhood. I suffered a lot of mental and emotional abuse, from family members and friends both. I fought with severe anger, depression, and trust issues for years, long into my adulthood. Even now I have the occasional relapse, mostly with the trust.

I have adapted and become a hippie...or maybe a Buddhist, depending on how you look at it. I do not allow my anger to flourish to it's uncontrollable and unhealthy state. Yes I get angry, but I don't let it control me anymore. And I have stopped hating. I may use the phrase "I hate..." but truly I do not hate. Hate is unhealthy.

With that being said, I am in suffering a severe quandary right now. I have never wanted to hate someone as badly as I want to hate my wonderful boyfriend's ex wife.

I am so torn. Almost every fiber of my being wants to hate her and write her off in every way save for the fact that she is the mother of my boyfriend's children. But...I can't. I won't. I am willfully choosing not to do so.

I think the funniest part of this is why I want to hate her. It's not for the fact that she slings mud at me to anyone who will listen. It's not the fact that she is constantly slandering me on facebook. It's not the fact that she tried to portray her ex-husband as abusive and controlling. It's not even the fact that she lies to me and tries to convince me that they have been sleeping together. It's not that she tries to make me the bad guy to his family - and perhaps their children. In all honesty, as irritating and red-assing as all of that is, I get over it pretty quick. That is all trivial, meaningless, high-school type drama bullshit.

What bothers me is that when she comes to pick up the kids, if I am in the same room, she wants to yank the kids around. I won't say a word to her, I will help gather the kids' belongings, I will tell the kids to listen to their mother - to the point that I might as well be saying ignore me - and she has so much unhealthy hatred and rage for me that she yanks on them.

I don't know how much longer I can bite my tongue on this when she does that to them. They're 6 and 9 - and it's always the 6 year old she yanks on.

What bothers me is that she took a good man and shattered him into a million pieces...and it never occurred to her to do anything else. He is a funny, charismatic, considerate, compassionate, empathetic, loving, caring man with a heart of gold and a good soul. She tore him down, broke him, stomped on him, and shattered him into a million bits. She glued some of the bits back together, but not all of them and none of them where they belong.

He is so beautiful, cracks and all. It hurts me and angers me so much that when I start to think about what she has done to him and the way he acts I start crying. Every. Damn. Time.

If you love someone, you do not treat them the way she did him.

And don't get me wrong - he was not innocent, he was not an angel, he made mistakes and he fucked up too. I am sure she has her damages as well. But I can tell you that while some of the things he has done was rather vengeful in nature, there were a million things he could have done that he didn't.

And he was never intentionally malicious.

I want to hate her so much. I really do. I haven't wanted to hate anyone in a long time. My friends who I have talked to and know the situation say I should and I have every right to.

But I can't. Hate is not an option.

You brighten the darkest of nights. You make my happiest days more smiley. You bring out the best in me and make me want to be better. You make it so easy to just be me. That is why I love you.

I will be your bad guy. I will be your scapegoat. I will be the one who is wrong. If it gives you strength to condemn me, than so shall it be.

Writer's block is a terrible thing.

Some randomness

When did it become fashionable to wear your grandmother's doily to the bar? Well honestly, why wear a doily at all? If you want to impress a girl in a bar, doing a Captain Morgan on her chair wearing skinny jeans prolly isn't the best route to take. Affliction (and anything affliction-esque) screams douche, insecure, and a definite sign of age-denial. Drunk chicks defy physics. Skinny jeans. Why?! This guy with the long dreadlocks can make a saxophone wail in the most beautiful, soul wrenching way possible. Mosh pit at a blues concert = my brain hurts. People in general are rude, inconsiderate, assholes with no sense of pride or decorum.

For when she smiled, the sun shone brighter and the world was happier. But when her tears came, the heavens cried out in sorrow, for such a beautiful soul should never be sad.

Pain is watching your love hurt and knowing you are powerless to fix it

I will wrap you up in my arms and hold you until the world falls away and silence reigns. And in this silence, the beating of my heart will whisper my love for you eternally. My soul is yours to command. I will keep you safe. I cannot stop the pain but please allow my arms to push away your sorrow.

I know your pain and it causes my heart fragment into a million shards. Oh how I wish I could erase your pain, your tears, your sorrow, and your fears. But since I cannot I shall embrace them and eclipse them with the pure love my soul has for you.

This is my pledge to you my love. Unburden your soul upon mine for I can handle the weight of your world and will do so with a smile upon my heart. Your fears are mine, your tears are mine, you sorrow is mine to hold. I cradle your heart in my hands and your soul in my heart.

Though these words are simply not big enough to encompass my emotion, know that I LOVE YOU with every ounce of my soul, every fiber of my being, down to the atoms of my body.

Every time my gaze meets yours I become inexplicably lost in the space between stars. Your soul envelops my being completely and I am set adrift in your soft, warm eyes once more.

Your skin against mine invokes memories of the flesh that have been written all over my body and embedded in my psyche. The gentlest brush of your fingertips electrifies my skin.

Your smile eliminates everything around me. Nothing else matters so long as I have your happiness. I am happy for your happiness depends on my happy. We are an infinite loop of happy so long as we have each other.

You have the most beautiful mouth in existence. Your lips whisper proclamations of love to my soul with every kiss. Your mouth redefines sin.

I can't get enough of you.

As long as we live, I will never get enough of you.

I miss you as soon as I walk out of the room.

I need you.

I want you.

I cannot live without you.

I love you to the moon and back.

pneumaeausombre

When I sing, I feel like a conduit to my soul.

I may not hit every note right. I may not hit a single note. But the music of my soul wells up and springs forth through my lips so that the world might glimpse a shard of my soul.

Music is everything I can't say.

I want to silence your demons

I loved her Not for the way She danced With my angels But for the way The sound of her name Could silence my demons

Christopher Pointdexter

This man's words are something to aspire to. they are simple and beautiful and pure and the imagery he creates is illuminating and breath taking. May I one day write half so well as this man.

A box of gilt shall never last

I truly fell in love when I was 19. I didn't realize it at first. And once I did, I told myself that I was simply naive, that I was confusing lust with love, that it was nothing more than infatuation and obsession. Even though he told me he had fallen for me, I did not believe him. I thought it was merely something he said to maintain the physical part of our relationship. After all, why would someone that beautiful and amazing fall in love with silly little me? Due to some rather unfortunate circumstances, we couldn't be together. And one day I had to walk away. A little bit of my soul died that day, walking away from him. My heart ached and my tears flowed freely. I put him in a gilded box high up on a shelf and let that beautiful box collect dust. I had sadly but successfully convinced myself that he didn't matter and that I didn't love him. But I was wrong. Over the years I ran into him here and there. Every time I saw his beautiful mouth curve into my favorite smile, the box burst open and every ounce of my soul felt rejuvenated. To feel his lips upon mine was a gift from heaven and I squandered that gift every time. I am ashamed to say that I walked in and out of his life so many times over the years. Every time it was harder to walk away. Every time the box corroded and grew rusty. Every time my soul grew weaker. I am 27 now. It has been 8 years since I first met this glorious man. My feelings have not waned. I walked back into his life again a few months ago and when I saw his smile and felt his arms around me as he held me tight, I knew that the battered, rusty box had broken. I am in love with this man, as I have been for nearly a decade. It is an intense, passionate love that is also calm and serene. This is the man I have been searching for my whole life. This is the man that has set the standard for all the others over the years. I am saddened to say that the men in my life over the past years have fallen short of what I wanted. After all, they could never be him. When I am with him, my inner storms are quieted. When I am with him, my soul is peaceful. When I am with him, my heart is happy. He completes me. He complements me. We are of one soul. God made our soul and realized that it was too beautiful and too pure for the world to accept. So he broke us apart and put us into two separate bodies. He put years and obstacles between us to try and keep us apart. But when you have something so beautiful and so pure, it cannot be defied. And so against all odds, we found each other. The first time we laid eyes on each other there was an instant connection - on both our parts. We loved each other from the very first hello. I am blessed to have a love like this. He loves me deeply and selflessly and I him. I wish we could have been together years ago but we simply weren't ready yet. But now we are and so we are together. His warm, soft eyes reflect back the beauty of our soul. His voice is mellow and melts my heart with every word. His smile takes away my inhibitions and fears. His arms keep me safe and warm. His heart beats for mine, as mine does for his. We are of one. Through the good and the dark, the light and the bad, the ups and downs, the trials and tribulations, the fights and the laughter, I will stand by his side. I shall stand tall and straight and know that we are beautiful. I will never let go.

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The errant ramblings of yet another ardent atman..