charlotte

21. she/her. writer.

[petrichor-moss-and-lightning]

you think about killing yourself. you think about going to bed at a reasonable time. you do neither of these things.

instead, you resign yourself to staring at the cracks in the ceiling—tell yourself that tomorrow will fix it. that a mouth to the underside of your jaw will fix it. that ginger shots or yoga or taking three deep breaths or patching the goddamned cracks in the ceiling will fix it. you've been trying to fix it—this gasping, hollowing sensation in the gore of your chest—since you were fifteen and bitter and lurching into traffic / into lovers you couldn't love back / into any scrap of warmth that would have you.

you take three deep breaths. you watch the ceiling. you let time pass through you like a knife.

[tiny-vaierie]

[anothersullengirl]

i wanna be emaciated, wanna hear one song without thinking of you

[the-sp0tless-mind]

[anothersullengirl]

in the depths of my mind, there is a sliver of remembrance and nostalgia for the pre-diet days.

i remember when i could just eat because i was hungry,

or just because i wanted to,

or just because a cookie looked delightful.

i remember taking a bite and feeling happy.

not too happy, like the euphoric way i feel now during the manic moments of a rabid binge, happy simply because it’s delicious.

now i stare at the cookie, carefully sorting through the nutritional facts in my head.

not a cookie anymore, just calories.

too many calories, it’s a waste

calories i shouldn’t eat

calories i don’t deserve

poison to my disordered brain

walk away, you don’t need the cookie.

but it tempts me.

it stares at my soulless, beaten eyes, and i stare back, imagining the chocolate melting in my mouth, picturing the sweet taste i crave so badly

eat it

you want to taste it, take it

eat it

just one bite

okay, maybe two bites

three bites gone and i’m onto my second cookie

and suddenly i’ve eaten the whole batch in a matter of seconds

the tiny scrumptious treat turned into a self-indulgent feast

and then the wave of guilt appears

i’m not sad or angry, simply full of self blame

i eagerly walk to the bathroom

two fingers penetrate my throat,

push them down, as far as possible

i know it’s uncomfortable,

but it’s your fault you ate the cookie.

the putrid stench of vomit fills my nose

i stare at the spit, mucus, and broken down bits of food swimming in the toilet bowl

my hands begin to shake and my kneecaps stutter on the firm ground below me

saliva drips down my chin as i tell myself in between gags, that this, this is how it’s supposed to be.

this is what happens when you eat the cookie.

[anothersullengirl]

my self hatred is a security blanket that swaddles me tightly every morning and every night

it is the only warmth that can seep through my skin and dig deep into my bones

how could i even think about letting it go?

[saddi3grl]

[loveize]

Every time I smell cigarettes

I think of your face

And I keep breathing in,

As though I’ll remember something new,

But all I can think of is your face

As you told me to sit quietly and wait

As the cops arrived to take me away.