I Am The Worst Cult Leader Ever.
When I was in my late 20s, I wrote and directed a feature film. I wrote it for two reasons:Ā
1: I wanted to be a filmmaker and in order to be a filmmaker you must eventually make a film.Ā
2: I was nursing a broken heart after a breakup, so I wrote a movie about a guy nursing a broken heart after a breakup.
It was writing by therapy.
It literally started as a bunch of scenes of me saying the things I wished I had the balls to actually say to my ex. The catharsis of having that moment; of coming to a new understanding; the fantasy of finding closure. It eventually came together into a story about a guy who ends up spending a week at a vacation house with his ex-fiancee.
It was supposed to be my Ed Burns moment. I wrote it, directed it, produced it, starred in it, edited it, catered it; the whole indie film thing.
Everything about it was selfish. I wanted to unburden my heart, I wanted to be a successful filmmaker, it wasnāt there to serve anybody but me.
But at an early film festival screening, I had a young guy come up to me - and he thanked me. I had gotten used to people congratulating me and praising my movie - people are generally nice, after all - but THANKED me?
He said he had just gone through a really painful breakup and that watching this movie helped him.
I could barely process this. I just cracked a joke and went on with things, but that stuck in my mind. And it would happen again. And again. It turned into a fairly common thing. People thanking me for making this film. People saying Iād improved their lives in some way.
It honestly never even occurred to me that I could do that with this movie. Entertain them, sure, but improve their lives?
Something Iāve learned over the years is that there are a LOT of people out there. And life follows familiar patterns. Any fear you have, any loss, any fetish, any dream you may have, no matter how weird or unique they may seem to you, thereās somebody else out there that feels the same way. Often a lot more than youād think.
So as you reach out into the world, the more you can express those elements of yourself, the more youāll find and affect others who share the same thing.
Nothing proves this point more than my YouTube channel.
I created my YouTube channel all the way back in 2006. I wouldnāt be surprised if itās one of the top 1% of oldest channels, to be honest. In the beginning, it was just a place I could upload videos to share with people in email and the like. Before, youād have to compress any movies down to the size of a postage stamp so you could email it to someone. Now, all you had to do was send a link. As I was marketing my film, I wanted to be able to share the trailer with press people and I didnāt want to send them a tiny little shitty attached video. So I started a YouTube channel.
In fact the first thing I posted was the trailer to my movie.
Later in the marketing for the movie, I made a series of fun talking head videos inspired by Ze Frank. I really enjoyed doing them and began thinking seriously about how to use YouTube as a platform.
That idea eventually turned into a series I called Ask Joe. This was right after Facebook and I took questions from people there and made videos out of them. They were 90% comedy, more Daily Show than Cosmos. But over time, I began to notice that the episodes where I actually answered a question with a real answer were the most popular.
Several iterations later, I finally settled on the format of Answers With Joe. Each video answered one question in the most thorough way possible, as entertaining as possible.
Eventually, a video on the Fermi Paradox - which was a blatant ripoff of a WaitButWhy article - got recommended by the great Algorithm (all praise the Algorithm) on an extremely popular āSpace Mysteriesā video. That sent a lot of nerds my way, and so the questions became a lot more science-oriented.
And after about a year of following that path, the channel has grown by leaps and bounds. When I attended VidCon last year, I had just hit 500 subscribers, and I was crazy proud of that.
Iām on track to have 10,000 by this yearās VidCon.
And the film festival experience is repeating itself, only this time on steroids.
I get comments almost every day from subscribers telling me how watching my videos has helped them in some way. Gotten them through a dark time. Changed their life!
And Iām just sitting there thinking, Iām the guy who said, āUranus was twitchingā and did a video where I added fart sounds to Cosmos clips.
But I also did videos about rewiring your brain to stop negative thoughts, about the vastness of time and space and our tiny perspective inside of it, even pondered the nature of life and God.
Things that apparently a lot of other people are thinking about.
I didnāt write these to change anybodyās life. Like the movie before it, I was unburdening myself in a way. A little over a year ago, I suffered from a massive anxiety attack, probably brought on by the fact that I was turning 40. The quickening passage of time and shortening of my remaining years sent me into a spiral I couldnāt pull out of.
I was prone to panic attacks when I was young, but it mostly went away, only appearing twice afterward. One right after college. And one now. I apparently donāt handle transitions into new phases of life very well.
But I worked my way through it and spent some time on a therapistās couch, and I read. And thought. Meditation became a big part of my life, and studying it brought some insights to me. Thinking of the big picture made my one tiny corner of it not look so bad.
Some of this leaked into my videos, and it sort-of followed my journey.
A journey that apparently a lot of other people are on.
Which is why the trickle of gracious comments has turned into a firehose of thanks and love.
I feel weird talking about it, but I feel so affected by it, I canāt help bringing it up in conversation. But even saying how much itās affecting me, I donāt think can get across how over the moon these comments are.
The only thing that I think will really get it across is to show you some of them:
Tommy Meyer:
Joe, you're definitely contributing man! I look forward to the videos every week! With all the huge YouTube channels out there trying to do similar things, I think you definitely do it far better. You're a funny, well spoken guy who offers a relatable platform that challenges the normal, average Joe (terrible pun) kind of person to THINK. That is one of the most sorely needed things in our society today. You're as genuine as they come man! Keep up the good work!
Jesse Batton:Ā
Joe, you are amazing! You really inspired me and changed my perspective of the world. I was in a dark place in my life when I stumbled across your videos. I know I can feel confident in life again and get through this hard time. Please, keep up the great work! Thank you!
Pickle Wicle:
Straight up man, your channel is one of the highest quality, most interesting but low subscribed channels I have ever seen. You would never expect a channel this small to have this kind of production quality. Keep up the great work! I appreciate it and so do many others!
Iaspis Luna:
To be quite frank, I only ever joined Patreon to support you. (It's as good a reason as any other.) As a recent fan of your channel, I was shocked (for the lack of a better word) to see how small your viewership was, especially considering how great the quality of your videos were. A constant YouTube user, I was thoroughly amazed by the content you uploaded, as it was not only well researched (trust me when I say this), but also well explained and presented. There was just something about the way you did things that put you apart from other content creators, (and I mean this in the best way possible). You are not only my weekly source of enthusiasm, but also my weekly source of inspiration. I, now an avid fan and supporter, wish you all the best, Joe! :)
Nikola Kranjcevic:
Joe, I only found your channel just recently, and I am very happy that I did, you have a great vibe and a positive message, thanks for sharing your life with us, thanks for being here to answer our questions and thanks for being a really genuinely good and decent man, people like you give me hope in my day to day life, just knowing there's someone out there who gets it and shares the love, so rock on buddy, you're an inspiration...
MuzeXC:
One of the most genuine guys i have ever seen
Tim Graham:
Hi Joe, I have to thank you for such a lot, I found your channel by chance and I enjoyed all the thought provoking videos and really was pleased whenever there was a new video. Then a few days ago I discovered the video about negative thinking and what it can do to you but most importantly how to change this. It wasnt until this video I realised what I was doing and you helped me discover this, I had been putting hurdles in my way over and over again and it had to stop. I am eteranlly thankful to you for this, I have been to some dark places (and not just on the internet ;)) and this video helped me discover why. I then came across this video and wow, the thought that someone that has essentially changed my life forever may not be able to do the thing he enjoys and help other people is horrifying. I have become a patreon of yours not because I felt I had to but because I wanted to and I hope others join too, as you are a life changer in fact saver to be honest and need to be saved and praised too. Thank you Joe, just thank you. Tim
Nyssila Indigo:
Thank you, Joe. We love you and you help us all take better care of each other with your brilliance and positivity. You make the world aĀ brighterĀ place. Thanks for shining!
Colin Barker:
Joe, I truly believe that your channel will go far. I only stumbled on one of your videos a few days and its really cool seeing your subscribers grow day by day. Good luck man! Look forward to my patreon contribution here soon.
Jeff Kot:
Don't think this is not appreciated! I watch you on youtube don't forget us. This channel is a delight .... Science channel , or Discovery needs you. I would throw in a few bucks to keep watching. It must be hard to find the time ! Thanks Joe!
Victor Alejandro Paez:
Hey Joe, thanks for all the videos you have made. You are a really intelligent guy, I like the way you change perspective on how people view things, it is simply awesome. I agree with everything you and what you stand for in the youtube community and think you should keep opening the minds of others. Great stuff man, really appreciate all you are doing to keep the videos going but you do need some rest :) Try to get some more if possible. Anyways, thanks for the content, really lets me see things in a different sense. Goodluck with the whole youtube thing and get huge (I know you can!)
Aaron Robinson:
I thoroughly enjoy your videos, your commentary, and your style in general. I hope that you go far with this channel, and with your side business. I may not comment on every video, but i watch every single one of them, and some multiple times! Keep it up, we're here to back you up Joe, seriously.
Matt Herring:
I'm recently unemployed and some of your videos helped me get my head back on straight. Throwing money at someone who's entertaining and educational is the best way I can think of to use my money. I honestly think encouraging the kind of behavior you exhibit is the only way we'll ever "fix" the "problems" with our race. And the fact that you make yourself go out and propagate that formula every week is admirable. Thanks for being you and having the courage to ask for help Joe!
Mathieu Royer:
You are very inspiring Joe, the world needs more people like you. Your videos are helping me through some tuff times as well. I thank you for your good energy and positive thinking.
All of those were collected over about 3 days.
And if some of the grammar or syntax was off with any of them, itās because the channel currently has subscribers in 125 countries.
Now that I get these in the numbers that I do, Iām beginning to notice that my reactions when reading them have changed. Itās become a startlingly strong combination of two seemingly disparate emotions:
The gratitude is unavoidable and obvious. Itās the abject terror I wasnāt expecting.
The thought that people are looking up to me in that way, putting me on that high of a pedestal, Itās quite disturbing. Especially when youāre afraid that your pedestal is made out of popsicle sticks.
āOh, my God, they think I know what Iām talking about. I donāt have the answers, Iām just a guy trying to avoid another panic attack. I havenāt studied any of this stuff, I failed Pre-Cal in college, now they want me to explain special relativity? Someday theyāre going to realize Iām a fraud and this whole thing is going to collapse underneath meā¦"
I almost feel I need to apologize to them, like Iāve mislead them in some way. What is that about? Is this what Canadians feel like?
I have to say, this is new territory for me.
In a way, itās exciting, because that means Iām moving from one stage to another one in this journey. But itās providing me with new struggles that I didnāt see coming.
The most surprising struggle? The struggle to not think about it too much.
Itās very easy for this to go to your head. I suppose megalomaniacs let it turn them into apocalyptic cult leaders who really believe they are God, but apparently Iām failing the Charles Manson/Jim Jones/David Koresh test.
In my case āget to my headā means I second guess everything. These videos take on a measure of importance they never had before. Itās not enough to just crack jokes around science stuff, this has to change. someoneās. life.
This same importance makes me overthink things, put off writing, and delay videos.
The struggle I wasnāt expecting was the struggle to just have faith. I donāt know what exactly Iām doing thatās resonating so much with people. Iām sure itās a lot of different things. Ā But I canāt pick it apart and try to assemble it together. Whatās been working was just me being me. I donāt need to know how Iām helping them, just trust that it does.
In fact, itās none of my business what they think of me. Every viewer brings into your video - or your movie for that matter - a lifetime of experiences and challenges and emotions that could match up with yours. Or clash. I canāt change someone who wants to hate me. Why they hate me is none of my business.
Just like itās none of my business why people may love me. Stop trying to figure it out. Just know itās there. The why comes naturally. Trust it.
I think somewhere deep down I always wanted to be someone influential. My influence is still small, but starting to build, and now Iām encountering what that actually looks and feels like. Itās exciting, gratifying, and a little scary. It requires a lot of faith in yourself and in the world.
Seriously, no matter what it is youāre into, no matter what problems youāve had, there are millions of other people out there that have the same thing. Thatās life. Thatās math. And Iāve found that every time Iāve listened to my heart and made something with it, it has wound up helping other people. Even if it was never intended to do so.
That might be the most cheesetastic thing Iāve ever said, but itās true.
And itās also the reason that I wrote this.
Share my struggles. Unburden my heart. Make something.