i think about reconnecting with system spaces and thinking & discussing & researching & etc. more about my system. but i hesitate. system spaces often are very emotionally loaded, full of syscource, drama, etc. people feel entitled to dictate others how to handle their (very personalized) disorder. and other shit happens.
and also. i'm kinda in denial? or more like dissociation. i dissociate from the fact that i'm a system. i don't deny it, i just... kinda ignore it? there is stuff that i should probably work on, but i... i don't know if i really want to. if i really have energy to manage it on top of other stuff.
the last time when i tried to be in system spaces and figure things out, i burned out and left. and basically ignore my systemhood since then. i can't do a lot of "classical system things," like tracking fronts or signing off, i've tried multiple times, but it just doesn't work for me. and i'm not even sure if i need the community, if i need to process anything if i can't be, like... Very Visible System. maybe i just have nothing to talk about. maybe i don't need to come in system spaces if i can't actually be involved.
but. idk. i think it makes things easier when i have community? probably. some things could be easier. but some will definitely be hard.
sorry for venting in your asks. i just don't know what should i do. and i don't want to experience another big system change (tm) and leave tumblr for months (if not forever).
Don't worry about it anon, I completely understand :) and that doesn't sound like it's very fun. System spaces tend to be a 50/50 shot, even if they're run by people with good intentions, sometimes other members make it difficult to uphold the original purposes. Syscourse is unfortunately unavoidable at this point as it is affecting most systems who even graze the sys internet.
I suggest maybe looking into some sys-related activities? It might sound stupid but I've always found doing those really dumb bingos when I'm in denial help (as long as they're not super stereotypical). And it's okay if you can't track switches or so on, there's no actual need to- not if you and your sys doesn't want to.
When it comes to communities, I would also suggest checking servers out on discord. Many servers may have a dedicated channel to syscourse or no syscourse allowed at all! As well as systems who will understand your situation.
Worst case comes to worse, you can always take a social media break. Mute some apps, put on a TV show, movie, or funny video, and have some you time.
This probably isn't the most helpful thing ever but I hope something I said could help you. I hope everything goes alright anon, and you find what you need!
(I'm also glad to look through the sys-safe discords I'm in if you're interested!)