L'uomo Più Sexy Del Mondo

Ciao a tutti! Piacere di conoscervi! It is none other than I, Zevran Arainai, your favorite astonishingly handome elven assassin. Between my days of traveling Thedas and my nights of passionate lovemaking, I have looked upon this domain to find some pleasant company. So let us get to know each other better, yes, miei cari?

[zevranolous-deactivated20170418]

@antivasfinest​ wrote me today “if I could whisk you off to a Thedas for a romantic dinner, I would”, so I started to think how he would look in simple modern clothes. Ye, thats all about being a woman. He said he would take me to Thedas, so I imagined him in my realm. Nothing wrong here, our beloved Zev understands me for sure.

Enjoy antivian husbando’s socks!

[antivasfinest-blog]

You capture my beauty perfectly, even when wearing your realm’s clothing. Especially when wearing your realm’s clothing. 

I wish there was more tight-fitting pants and sleeveless in Thedas. They show off my attributes quite nicely.

[antivasfinest-blog]

friend goals, lover goals... I accept puns until I get sick of them, if that is at all possible. I hope all is well, my dear Zevran. I have been working very hard and it truly is a pain, but at least there is money in the foreseeable future!

I have been making and hearing puns for quite a few years now, and I am far from being sick of them.

All is well, although life has been rather busy as of late. It seems like everyone wants someone dead nowadays. It gives me plenty of work, but it can be taxing. Ah, but of course you know of this feeling. I applaud you on your hard work. I hope you are rewarded every penny and ounce of esteem you deserve from your effort.

And, of course, a pun for you: Did you hear about the opening of the shop that sells ceramic heads? It was a bust.

[antivasfinest-blog]

how do i get a boy to ask me out

That entirely depends on who it is, cara mia. The most vague advice is to drop hints, to let him know that you want him to. Do not cling to him, but be friendly, get to know him. So many people try to act mysterious and hard-to-get to win the man, but that rarely works outside of fiction. Honestly, if you truly wish to go out with this person, the best bet is to wait for the right time and ask them yourself. I know it is nerve-wracking, but it leaves no room for doubt or long tedious weeks of playing “do-they-don’t-they”, which is even worse on your nerves.

Unless your question is more on how to get any boy in general to be interested in you. In that case, be open. Speak to them. Pay attention. Be kind. Maybe flirt, if you’re comfortable in doing so. But most of all, actually have male friends. Nearly all good and long-lasting relationships begin as friendships, and it gives a chance and habitat for romantic interest to grow.

[yinqors-deactivated20141206]

[notearmuffs]

@antivasfinest this just reminds me of…

[antivasfinest-blog]

A Crow pecking at other bird’s bottoms...

Yes, this is a rather spot-on comparison to myself, I must say.

[antivasfinest-blog]

Unveiling the mystery was purposeful, dear Zevran. How else would you be able to find my company in Kirkwall? Unless, you would suggest I sit in the corner of the tavern with bated breath and a tiny box of chocolates all for you?

So it was indeed purposeful, hm? Very well!

This is my lovely anonymous admirer that has been speaking to me for the past while, if some of you can’t make it out. I was concerned that they had accidentally let their veil slip, but it seems that is not the case. And for that I am glad.

It will be easier to find you knowing who you are, that is true. Though just because I know your identity does not mean that you cannot wait for me with a tiny box of chocolates, nor that I cannot lean against the doorway with a bottle of fine Antivan wine simply waiting to be uncorked. No need for the bated breath, however. There will be plenty of time for that later.

[antivasfinest-blog]

If we continue talking as we are, I’ll have to search for contracts specifically near Kirkwall. Our conversations are doing quite the score on my willpower. Submit easily? I would never expect you to… although I’d hardly complain seeing you in one of the “circumstances” that you are.

Ah, you are kind, but there is no need to apologize. I did not tell you to try and gain sympathy, only to serve as an explanation. Death happens. It is a part of life, and is to be expected.

You’ve never laid in silk sheets? Now I know I have to come to Kirkwall, if only to whisk you away to the nearest noble suite and lay you atop the bed. It is an almost weightless feeling, as if you are resting atop a cloud.

It is true that Fereldens have an odd fascination for their dogs But better to be obsessed about their beloved Fluffy than obsessed about manipulative politics and ridiculous poofy dresses, yes? Though do not take it wrong, I still thoroughly enjoy Orlais. Its politics gives me plenty of jobs, and I’ve always been a fan of the masks. They’re wonderfully dramatic. Do many foreigners ever find themselves in Kirkwall?

[raelentrevelyan]

Perhaps that is my goal? To entice you into seeking an excuse to come here as soon as possible? I would be pleased to know I was succeeding in those efforts. What better way is there than to seek a bit of pleasure on the side of business? Though, I am sure you rarely find yourself without both business and pleasure, Zevran.

I still like to extend the sentiments. You are not wrong. It is something one is capable of hardening to. When it is someone that matters… It does not come without a bit of regret. Or perhaps, I am just a really soft and sentimental man. It is easy when it is someone opposing oneself, though.

I would truly be spoiled by the sounds of it. I am likely to have dreams of this now. It would be such a pleasure to lie atop such comforts with you there as well.

I can not even think to argue that point. Orlais sounds like a mess with Political competition. On the other hand, I can not imagine that anything about Orlais would be boring. Ridiculous, perhaps, but never a dull moment, right?

Kirkwall is one of the major ports for trade from Fereldan, I believe. Not many foreigners settle here, though. Who would really want to unless it was a necessity? During the Blight and some time after, we did get more than what we could house when it came to refugees. I do not think they really have or had a choice. Most of them probably have no home to return to. But I digress a bit, most people come and go due to business. Few Free Marchers stay in Kirkwall more than a week, because it is hardly a good place for vacationing.

Unless, like yourself, they have reason to plan an extended stay.

[antivasfinest-blog]

I have no doubt you are trying to entice me to come to your city as soon as possible. You are much too clever to be doing it on accident. It is flattering that you think I am so in control with my life that I am seldom without work or enjoyment, but an assassin’s life is quite the unpredictable experience. For example, I have not been to a city for over a week. The closest thing I have come to civilization is a small milling town made up of less than a dozen people. (although I was still able to charm one of the millkeeper’s daughters into bed)

I do appreciate the sentiments, truly. Perhaps, as you are a soft and sentimental man (something I admire), I have simply become desensitized to it all. Killing for a job tends to do that. It still hurts, but I do not want to drear up our conversation by talking about my deceased companions.

Lie atop such comforts together? My dear, we would do much more than that.

Orlais is, at the same time, both infinitely interesting and inexplicably exhausting. Every day there is grandness and festivities, yet at the same time, having it everywhere and so frequent seems to subtract from it all. Still, I think you would enjoy it. The color, the food, the music... I will not lie, although tiring, it is an extrememly beautiful place. Although, you make out Kirkwall out to be quite the drab place. I have been there a time or two before, and though it isn’t exactly Val Royeaux, there are much worse places to live. The architecture is incredible, and being near the sea is always an advantage. Tell me, where is your favorite place to go in the city?

[lovemllemadeline]

Cento baci per te, cara mia. So you are a musician? Ah, sì, now your question makes sense. You know Antivan from your music? Well, that is certainly a feat! Such a shame I have never been able to hear one of these arias. I do not have a favorite composer, per say, as Thedas does not have the same music publication you do, but there is certain music I enjoy. I like things with strings and voices, preferably sweet-sounding, if one can have it. You?

I like whatever sounds good carino mio. As of now I’m singing this piece! (No, it’s not me singing.) It’s terribly romantic but also flows so beautifully. It gives me joy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3gv1FiOyLM

[antivasfinest-blog]

Indeed, it is a beautiful piece. Although I am sure that when you sing it, it will sound all the more lovelier.

[chosemercy-a-blog]

cassandrapentaghast :

imagine your otp spooning and person a is about to fall asleep when person b quietly whispers a pun into their ear

[xcalee]

@antivasfinest I would be very disappointed if you do not do this next time you bed someone. Because I want to hear about their reaction.

[antivasfinest-blog]

Next time? My dear, that’s acting as if I haven’t already done this before. Which I most certainly have. After all, if you can’t whisper terrible puns into a real lover’s ear while the drift off, they are not a lover worth having.

As for the reaction... well, in the best cases, they laugh. In the worst cases, I get kicked harshly in the shin.

[iawv]

Cullen: Inquisitor, meet my boyfriend Jim :)

Cinematic tool rulez!

[jimthescoutofficial]

FUCK YES

[drinkyourjuicerodriguez-deactiv]

@cheekywithcullen I’M-

[cheekywithcullen]

OTP: Notice Me CONFIRMED

[oswald-the-mage]

@cullensmoulderford

[ask-cullenrutherford]

Huh. This is worrisome. Just look at his stance– a gust of wind could knock him over, he’d be flat on his face. Thank you for notifying me. I’ll be sure to remediate him later.

[antivasfinest-blog]

Remediate? Is that what kids are calling it these days? Well, to each their own. Based on this post, I’m sure you’ll remediate him into the right position later, oh yes.

[caligulynnarts]

Ofc my first watercolor sketch is zevran

[antivasfinest-blog]

I don't know if I'm biased, or if those pick up lines are really that cute. I'm thinking I'm biased. Haha. I certainly need wine. I'm so nervous I had trouble sleeping, but now I have coffee and work in an hour.... Nothing bad will happen, nope. It is all good. I think there’s something wrong with my eyes because I can’t take them off you

Why not both? The pick-up lines were adorable, granted, but of course you were biased by me saying them. Anyone with working eyes or ears would be.

I’d offer you wine, if I could. I know words are poor comfort compared to liquor, but I am confident you will do well in your job. If your ability in your job is anything like your ability to pun and be beautiful, than I’m sure you’ll be the best employee by the end of the month.

Here’s one that’s good, though rather cliche: If I said you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

[eristhenat]

so, almost a year after i first sketched it, here’s Advisor Zevran : D

[rederiswrites]

Wait wait has anyone written Zevran smut where the Warden puts on a chastity belt and makes him practice his lockpicking?  Because if no one has then I am thoroughly disappointed in all of us.

[antivasfinest-blog]

My darling I feel unsure as to whether the Commander understands your intentions. The man is a little clueless when it comes to declaration of sexual intent. I told him once I wanted to get him out of his armor - he spent five minutes explaining to me how a soldier should always be able to get his own armor on and off by himself and that Templar training entailed inventory of your own possessions as well as knowledge of how to use them all and... well. Best of luck, I suppose.

Goodness, he’s that oblivious, is he? Well. Instead of being disheartened, now I just feel encouraged to try even harder. Thank you for the luck.

Although my attempts at flirting with Commander doesn’t mean I am any less interested in you, caro mio. I doubt much will come out of my advances on Cullen (besides him getting adorably flustered), and besides, I’d much rather have the fine, fine Tevinter wine than the Ferelden mead, as lovely as they both are.

[altusdorianofhousepavus-blog]

If you’re concerned of jealous tendencies then you needn’t worry. Such a fine Antivan flower must spread his pollen as far as it can fly, I say. 

And I do so enjoy watching you work. 

[antivasfinest-blog]

“Spread my pollen”? My dear, you’re almost making this easier than the Commander. Of course, I know that you’re doing it on purpose. I’ll be sure to keep the Antivan flower blooming, flying pollen and all.

I’m glad my efforts entertain you, sfarzoso. You’re quite engaging to watch yourself, specifically from the behind.

[altusdorianofhousepavus-blog]

I can’t wait for springtime then, Amatus. 

Oh I do love an audience, don’t discount the front view though. 

[antivasfinest-blog]

Discount the front view? I wouldn’t dream of it.

Actually, that’s incorrect. I would most definitely dream of it. Not discounting it, of course, but other admiring that your front duly deserves.

[altusdorianofhousepavus-blog]

I have many angles of viewing I’m sure you can appreciate, dear Zevran. 

[antivasfinest-blog]

I can think of a few angle I’d like to appreciate, although it may require a bed to admire them properly. 

[varvhenesansolasan]

So you speak Elvhen, yes? You know, I've always wondered how to talk dirty in the language. I'm sure it would sound absolutely exquisite, given the general beauty of the dialect. Perhaps you can demonstrate for me?

I am afraid that such demonstrations would be available to you only if we were involved in a relationship. I am sure you can find someone else to whisper sweet nothings in your ear, perhaps a performer instead of a scholar?

[antivasfinest-blog]

Oh, my apologies. I simply wanted to hear it from the best. But if you truly think a worker is more more qualified and eloquent than yourself, well, I can respect your honesty.

[xcalee]

@antivasfinest is pretty much my friendship goals now. Back and forth conversations with really cheesy pick up lines and puns. 

I have work in about an hour and a half but I need to be out of the house in an hour and I am extremely tired because of course I couldn’t sleep well last night. I kept dreaming I missed orientation and lost the job… then another part where I WAS there and instead of losing the job because I was late, I lost the job because my shirt disappeared. u_u

On the bright side, I’m about 80% sure I do not have to stand on my feet for 7 hours because it should mostly be paperwork and instructional video training. So it shouldn’t be as physically exhausting as it will be mentally exhausting. 

[antivasfinest-blog]

That’s what I am here for, my dear. To satisfy all your cheesy pick up lines, puns, and friendship needs.

I do hope your work is going well, despite the dreams and tiring hours. You are working so very hard; you should be proud. I certainly am.

[horticulturalcephalopod]

leaving zevran out of inquisition was honestly such a missed opportunity

think of the zev/dorian makeouts we could have had tbh:

[raelentrevelyan]

@antivasfinest @altusdorianofhousepavus

[antivasfinest-blog]

If I knew that the Inquisition housed such attractive people, I would have joined the second it had formed.

[antivasfinest-blog]

Zevran...how can an elf like you exist? You are beyond perfection in every way. We should totally spend time together, I think we'd get along famously.

If there is anyone perfect between the the two of us, it would be you, caro mia. But it’s is kind of your to say so. Sometimes I find it hard to believe the sheer magnificence of my existence myself.

Based on your name, I take it you are an assassin? Perhaps we can deal in a joint-contract sometime. Poison some noble or whatnot, hide the evidence, go out for drinks, get to know each other. A rather good date, I think.