i just need to write something down

for my mentally ill thoughts • there WILL be grammatical errors • since im thought dumping this blog i dont wanna come back and read it. my thoughts are messy and so will my writing be

[anxietiesandadhd]

I feel like i'm falling back to my bad habits.

I thought I just needed a week off where I didnt have to take care of myself cos living is so high maintenance

Like I slept late again, didnt drink much water, ate not mindfully, didnt exercise much.

These things happened cos I went thru such a hard and rigourous project with a stubborn director that abused me and my time.

I guess I just retreated but today I choose to take care of myself and hope that exercising can help me get over my brain fog I want to get better again

[anxietiesandadhd]

slossness

9;43 LEFT Daniel Sloss: Jigsaw

Why am I happier when I’m alone? Why am I happier when I’m not with someone? Dad says the center of your jigsaw should be about this partner piece. Why am I happier when there’s not one there? That’s when I realized the bit my dad got wrong but right in his own adorable little way. He said the center of the jigsaw is about partner piece, and he’s right and wrong. It’s happiness, find something that makes you happy. Make it the center of your life. And then everything else will naturally fit in around it. Is just so happens that for my dad his happiness piece and his partner piece are the same piece. They’re my mother.

But that’s the truth for some people and not for everyone. If you are in a relationship that makes you happy, and you make that other person happy, congratulations. Keep that up. That’s amazing. But to all the single people in the room, the perpetually single people, the people in relationships they would rather not be in, but it’s just too easy to stay in. I mean this. You have to learn to love yourself before you can allow someone else to do it as well. That’s it. There’s nothing wrong with being single. There’s nothing wrong with being alone. There’s nothing wrong with taking time for yourself to work out who you are before you go out there into the dating world, because how can you offer who you are if you don’t know who you are? There’s nothing wrong with being selfish for a bit because you’ve got the rest of your life to be selfless. If you only love yourself at 20%, that means somebody can come along and love you 30%. You’re like, “Wow, that’s so much.” It’s literally less than half. Whereas if you love yourself 100%, a person that falls in love with you has to go above and beyond the call of duty to make you feel special. That’s something every one of us deserves, and that doesn’t mean you’re not happy. You can get your happiness from hundreds of different people and not even in a slutty way. Now don’t get me wrong, the slutty way is fucking fun. Right? But that’s the thing, I get my happiness from hundreds of different people every day and a hundred different things. Like, this is my job. I never in my wildest fucking dreams ever thought I would get to this stage of my fucking career. I was used to just telling fucking wank jokes in the bottom of pubs, right? I never thought I’d get to do this. Every single one of you, it adds a bit to the happiness. All my friends from all over the world adds a little bit, so instead of one main bit in the middle of the jigsaw, it loads little pieces. If one of them goes away, that’s a bit sad, but I can replace it. But I’m now terrified ’cause at this point in my life, I can honestly say I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. My jigsaw is complete. That’s not good, ’cause it’s not forever. I’m 26. I’ve peaked far too soon.

The next couple shows after this are gonna be pretty fucking brutal. But I’m terrified having this perfect jigsaw at the moment because it’s gonna make me more selfish. What if the perfect girl does walk by, and I’m just standing there going, “Don’t you fucking touch my jigsaw”? [hisses] I’ll glue this down. I’ll varnish this. You’ll fucking see. Even if I were to get into a relationship, find that “perfect” person… I don’t know if I’d ever be happy or secure. Being with one person, trusting that person because as I know and as you know, it is impossible to tell whether the person you are with loves you from the bottom of their heart… or whether they’re just patiently waiting for you to die.

[anxietiesandadhd]

annoyance to loneliness

im feeling quite alone these days, or maybe the word is 'neglect'

im feeling neglected alot these days. Ever since my sibling started school again, AND that they got into a relationship, they've just been so neglectful of spending time with me. and its not like i want them to be with me at all times, its just before, we had time to talk and be there for each other. But now its like theyre NEVER there for me.

I'm always put on hold, and i dont have anyone to talk to physically.

because my mom goes to me to bitch about my dad

my dad goes to me to bitch about my mom

and i used to go to my sibling to bitch about mom and dad, or just talk and bond

and i know i get that they have mroe time with friends and they found someone who gets them and all that. thats fine––but theyre doing the thing i warned them about and thats neglecting me, and their other responsibilities and people in their lives

theyre world's become all them and im annoyed and feel alone. and they say theyre getting better but theyre not

and here, i feel like a child getting so angry and wanting to throw a tantrum cos my parents go to me for their fucking problems, and my sibling just gets to be cooped up in their side of the room avoidingthe bullshit happening

so i end up the one having to fix everything and handle shit. My parents go to me for their shit, and my sibling gets to have their special time.

its frustrating and annoying that i really try to tell them that i need their help, and i need them to remember that we also exist and they cant always spend time with their partner.

i need them too and they just put me on hold. im just so angry and frustrated it makes me cry

i feel like i am not seen, i am neglected, and unappreciated in this house cos everyone is either in their own shit, mad at someone else and wants to bitch about the other, or just busy.

im sick and tired of having to be like a therapist to everyone and also feeling neglected. its like they just go to me for something and writing this makes me just so angry and it makes me wanna cry.

[anxietiesandadhd]

The Subjective Truth

Living in a highly sensitive, toxic, verbally/emotionally abusive, and manipulative family has made me realize that when living with people in these instances means that there is no such thing as the truth.

People here will bend, manipulate, and side to the "truth" that benefits them, and not the objective truth.

They will change their minds and shift sides to whichever benefits them, or what THEY think is right. It's all based on opinions and their own perception of right and wrong.

[anxietiesandadhd]

My failed No Buy September :\

So, I bought lubed RED RK Switches. And though I like the lubed switches, but I dont like the reds. I dont like that theyre linear and that there is no feedback or it doesnt bump back. I like that the reds are silent and like more silent in "thock thock" but idk I still want that feed back.

tho damn these switches do feel buttery af HAHAHA so idk

the grown up thing to do usually isnt the easiest thing to do.

So here's the plan

1. Stick to the red switches for like a week or two. Try to get used to it.

2. Pay for the browns to get lubed to. See if you really like it

3. If you dont like the reds talaga, then sell them

4. But a physical copy of DUNE.

I did the 4th already HAHAH. I set aside money to invest for my life insurance but that can wait lmao HAHAHA i'll start investing NOWWWWW like my last buy will be for the modification of my keyboard but srsly i dont need to spend any much more for it. I'm good.

Side note, I dont like the reds HAHAHAHa its too light and my hands are cramping.

[anxietiesandadhd]

my life lately

For a couple of months, I've been getting really into reading. Back in college I never really read much books. I just watched a lot of films. I frenzied over those.

Then recently, like since January til now, I've read 5 books. And thats the most I've done this year and voluntarily. Last year I read the Percy Jackson book series. Its been good. I'm proud of myself for reading books. Its been theraputic. Reading's been helping me loads with handling my anxiety, depression, and crippling anxiety.

Now the thing I've been frenzy-ing are TV shows. I been really burning through TV shows how I've been breezing through books back in 4th grade.

Cos back in the 4th grade, I used to binge-read books. Like I'd bring 2-3 books everyday. 1. the book im reading

2. the next book id read

3. the next next book id read just in case the second was a quick read

[anxietiesandadhd]

learnings from ms toni

- how to manage my anger and expectations

- complain but move on

- not let the anger get the best of me

[anxietiesandadhd]

my body

the saddest thing i know about myself is that i never look ay myself in the mirror.

ive been so ashamed of my own body (and sometimes face) that i just dont think i deserve looking at myself

i think i try to compensate my looks with my brains, and tho it's good, I know i dont feel complete. I know I'm not enough or pretty enough

I saw my bare stomach today, all the folds, roundness, droopiness, and imperfections. I just hated it. I hated how much I let myself go, I hate how round my stomach looks, I hate how I look. I hate how I dont have the "perfect body"

I hate that i have the thighs, the boobs, the arms, but my face and stomach are just not the ideal face and shape.

I'm just not thin enough. I have the tummy the size of a 3rd month pregnant lady.

I just really hate my body. I hate my stomach I hate my face fat. I really need to lose the weight.

I really need to eat less carbs, and work out more. That's it that's the only way to do it

[anxietiesandadhd]

August 18, 2021

I was having a good day relatively good. Better than the past months. I actually had a good breakfast with my parents and didnt get annoyed. And my slight annoyances were manageable, I just brushed it off if it did happen lol

But relatively, I had a good day. I was able to grade 2 videos today. And just minor revisions, just 1 round of revision per video. My mentor said I did a good job today, twiiiiceee. I'm glad I made her proud

I also unwinded by watching Pitch Perfect 1&2 with my sibling and uploading the project files.

But they started ranting about their frustrations and worries about school, and while its valid, I was just not in the right mental space to help them. I was trying to help them but my advice wasnt what they needed, and I just felt so frustrated not knowing how to help them so

I just voiced out what was so frustrating about the situation cos sometimes, when I try to help my sibling, they just dont want advice. And while I get they just want someone to listen to––I'm like that too. But I was just so frustrated that they kept putting themselves down and they just didnt wanna try. IDK IM JUST IM JUST SO ANGRYYYYY

And I'm also so frustrated cos JUST WHEN IT WAS BEDTIME they start this rant and im like?????? I was unwinding naaaaaaa.................... I'm jsut so angry sometimes they reallly do that, they really want to keep me up at night or rant at night idk I guess im selfish and not the right person to be there at times. I'm just not in the right space.

Ugh Im just so angry I wanna have my own room fml

[anxietiesandadhd]

Growing Pains

Why can't I just be a "corporate slave"?

Why cant I just not let myself pursue being a colorist? Why can't I just be happy working at a corporation and then just doing a desk job.

It's so hard working freelance, its so anxiety inducing wondering where ur next pay is gonna be.

Dont get me wrong, I love my path right now, but the catch to this path that I'm on are days where I have not much to do, and I have the free time to do what I want. And Idk i just dont like not knowing that today I didnt get a project. I dont like knowing that I'm not earning much and that I'm not getting a steady income.

Its a really weird life I'm setting up for myself. But I know that this change in my life is good. I'm at the start of something new™

Im just airing out my frustrations rn. I'm stepping out of my comfort zone and swtiching positions from being a photographer/DoP to being a Video Colorist. But its okay its gna be okay, I'm gonna learn into it

[anxietiesandadhd]

I cant believe I binge-ate so much yesterday. I also ate so much this morning...I feel gross and disgusting and I'm punishing myself so much for this.

Hmmm....what if...okay I'm really realizing this, I'm not performing. But what if instead of punishing myself for eating so much, maybe I shud be happy I got to eat good food. I got to eat food that made me enjoy eating :). And that I just use this as motivation to workout and watch what I eat next time.

Its so weird for me to say this but internally I think I'm as strong and buff as Emily Blunt or Katniss, or Tris, or Rey or any Female Avenger hahaha but I think I've always felt ashamed that I dont look like them...

But yk im glad that Endgaame Thor exists. Cos he showed that you can be worthy and strong and awesome even if ure going thru somethings and also if uve put on a little weight

[anxietiesandadhd]

bloated

TW: Self-hate, body image issues i feel so bloated :(

physically, mentally, emotionally...

I dunno i just feel so overwhelmed everyday.

I feel gross, fat and disgusting. I know that belo ad shouldnt affect me but it does. When I see it, I just think about how III look like that woman. How much I've let myself go.

All I do is just try to keep myself alive. I've really forgotten what its like to live and enjoy life. Most of the time I just feel like a Sim, doing what has to be done but not really finding the meaning of life.

I feel so bloated, ugly, and disgusting. I carry all this trash fat around me like Im a walking garbage can. Ugly disgusting sac of shit that is not worthy of anything. I wear my old clothes and just feel the fabric on my like its something disgusting. I just wish I could either just embrace this or cut the fat away.

I hate my body sooooooo much. I hate that im at this never ending cycle of hating my body but also not doing anything about it. Why cant I just be normal and wake up everyday and not question my life's existence. Why cant I just wake up and exercise and not be so lazy?

Well, maybe I can try and change that by getting up and changing into work out clothes and move about for awhile.

[thenordroom]

Vintage apartment filled with green wallpaper | styling by Rydman & photos by Ostling

THENORDROOM.COM - INSTAGRAM - PINTEREST - FACEBOOK

[anxietiesandadhd]

I hope that one day I get to live in a home like this

[anxietiesandadhd]

where do they get the energy to do that?

they say that theyre so tired

but find the energy to muster 30 mins of their time to shout at their kids

[anxietiesandadhd]

who's gonna be there for them?

today i tried to off myself... my parents fought me, tore me apart verbally for vaccuming.

all i wanted to do was something right, and my mom lashed out on me with hurtful tones and words

im barely hanging on by a string. i see no purpose in living i dont care if i wont reach my dreams i dont care if i dont become a filmmaker i dont care... when my parents left the room when my mom said her final painful words i broke down and begging anyone to take my life away whats the point of living if all you do is feel pain from the very people who brought you to this fucking world my sibling (then sister) was there the whole time they took away my sharp objects I was really thinking about relieving myself from the pain in one swoosh to the throat. but again i was too much of a bitch to do it why cant god just hit me hard so hard i feel nothing i feel no pain i will finally feel free from the pain *** after i calmed down my sibling told me these things "ate, if u leave who's gonna go with me when we finally go back to the cinema? who's gonna tell me what camera they used or what lens they used in the film? who's gonna whisper me the plot of the movie even before its revealed? who's gonna drive me to my first day in school? who's gonna see me graduate? who's gonna take me to my first day in school?" i know im ready to leave, but i know my sibling/sister needs me she needs to learn how to live thru this world. i know im going thru so much but i sure hope i can help them get better from this *** Everyday its getting harder and harder to stick around. Everyday my parents fight harder and harsher Everyday my mom puts her frustrations on herself and her career on us Everyday my dad tells me what to do like i dont fucking know how to do anything Everyday I have to keep up appearances and pretend that im ok but im not ok Everyday I either think of running away or just k*lling myself because it seems so much better than going thru another day in this hell hole I call a home Everyday is so hard to go downstairs when the air feels dense––thick of anger, trauma, unsaid apologies, regret, anxiety, and depression. No one wants any help, but shout that they carry the family's weight on their shoulders. *** my parents overwork themselves to the point of exhaustion and when they have nothing left to give, they just shout at me and my sibling for not doing/being enough

[anxietiesandadhd]

and I can see it in your face you’ve been waiting to break since you woke up this morning - - - Mr. Blue

Don’t hold your head so low

That you can’t see the sky

[anxietiesandadhd]

fuck'em

fuck parents who think ur self worth is tied to a cookie cutter life fuck parents who think having a partner of the opposite sex is a sign that you're mentally stable and "whole" fuck people who tell you that the only proper job is a desk job working 9-5

fuck people who impose basic beauty standards. conforming just a little from the norm pegs you as "unhealthy"

fuck people who judge you for not wanting to have kids