AnxiousBrain

Names Caitlin. I'm 26. Happily married to a beatiful woman named Ana. My blog is to help me release some of my pent up anxiety. Feel free to talk to me about anything. Post about ways to relax or just vent. We can achieve freedom through our words and pictures.

[anxiousbrain2016]

writing

brain was going haywire. starting a new location for work tomorrow....the writing quieted the noise. if not for just a moment.

[anxiousbrain2016]

without you

your no longer with me, but you want me to be the center of your world. you dont want me, but you want me to want you. how can i find confidence in myself when i'm always in last place. can i find the answers to my questions in the bottom of a bottle? all i want is to feel normal feel happy and wanted. feel like someones number one without you....without someone....i feel lost and broken. where am i who am i what am i i need to be needed but more than that i need to be wanted do you want me? can you want me?

[anxiousbrain2016]

My life and anxiety

I am trying like crazy to find something to help with this anxious feeling I have a good bit of the time. Everyone thinks they have the answer. Exercise. Reading. Relaxing. Working. Loose weight. Everything just seems so daunting. Changing from who I normally am and my normal habits is scary. Some people that know me may find this funny but I feel like I am literally scared of everything. I am scared of changing positions at work. Even though I just went through a major change and transfered within my company 2500 miles away from where I started. I am afraid to get out there and loose weight because I have always been big, though not this big, and I don't know what I would look like at a so called healthy weight. I am afraid to buy a home of my own someday because what if my wife leaves me and I have this home we made together all to myself. I have moved from Ohio to California and back all for her in the last 4 years and changed so many things about my life to be with her and almost all of it has changed me into a better version of myself. I've grown as a woman and as a partner and become someone I had forgotten exhisted. All because of her. So many people have commended me on how I am so brave. But I don't feel brave. I felt as though I was doing what needed to be done to survive. The other things are choices I need to volunteer to make. It scares the pants off of me....and I don't know why...

[anxiousbrain2016]

Rough day

Well everything was fine until I got home. I was having a bad day as far as stress level so I took an Ativan when I got home. Then my brother and mom got into it bad and she locked him out. Still don't know where he is. So after the rest of us ate dinner in award silence I went upstairs and relaxed for a bit before taking my night pill and a second ativan. I have never done this before and it was a little weird for a few but I thought it would knock me out and it hasn't One plus....My mom cut my hair for me. Looks good. My cousins wedding is tomorrow. Not 100% I'm going but we'll see....may post pic or two tomorrow

[anxiousbrain2016]

Day 8:6-15-16

anxious, but for a good reason today! my wife will finally be home after 2 very very long weeks away in california. i am so happy i cant even tell you. these last two weeks have made me wonder how we were long distance for so long. the anxiety i feel now is the kind you feel at the beginning of a relationship. the butterflies. the feeling of beng so excited and relieved to see the person....its an amazing feeling. the high that you can only get from someone you are truly infatuated with. so happy to have her coming home love you babe :)

[anxiousbrain2016]

Day 7: 6-13-16

I am counting down the days until my wife is finally back home. T-minus 2 days...so ready. I have one more day of work and then one day to get ready for her to be home, which that day is mostly going to consist of me being anxious and irritated and bored until she gets here and i cann pick her up. Overall today was ok but towards the end of my day i wasnt feeling so hot. i had major heartburn and was really irritable. i thought i was going to need to take an ativan when i got home but ended up just heating myself up some dinner, having some ice cream and video chatting with my wife and i feel better. i am not completely better but much better than i was an hour ago. its amazing the difference one person can have on your life. i am so blessed to have someone who makes me feel this way and i know i make her feel the same. we balance each others moods out. up next...bedtime lol... goodnight all sending love and prayers to everyone who needs it.

[anxiousbrain2016]

Day 6:6-12-16

I totally suck at this...oh well life gets busy and you just dont make time for everything. Anyway...here goes Today has been a great day overall. I went grocery shopping with my stepdad, Dave and uncle Mike, i like this though most people think of it as a choir. I like to spend time thinking about all the things I could do with the different items I pick up at the store and what great things they could become besides just the average dinner. After that I hung out at home a little while before hanging out with my little sister...now shes not my little sister by blood but by mind and soul. when my brother was younger she was one of his first girlfriends, well one of the first that i knew about. and while they were dating i got to know her and she is now one of my best friends and i consider her my baby sister. this is the first time i have seen her in a long time because she has been living in north carolina and i have been in california and this is the first time we have actually both been living in the same state in quite a while. anyhow...since you probably didnt really want to know all that...we went to dinner and had our usual meal that we have almost every time we get together...chinese buffet :) we talked and hungout for about 3 hours and it was great. althouggh her and her boyfriend are having some trouble but that happens to the best of us right? now that i am home am trying to relax but it just isnt happening for me tonight. or the past few nights for that matter. the past few nights i just get in bed and feel like i stare at the ceiling with no energy to do anything, even watch tv. its horrible. i just sit here in my own head and think about shit or think about nothing and become overwhelmed and anxious. tonight i smoked. i took one of my brothers cigarettes and sat outside in the back yard on the swing and smoked my first cigarette in a very long time. it felt great. lol i sign off this evening a ball of anxiety. ready for my wife to come home..few more days. goodnight all

[anxiousbrain2016]

Day 5: 6-9-16 69 hehe I don't feel like writing today... My blog my choice Peace 💕

[anxiousbrain2016]

Day 4: 6-8-16 PART B

My anxiety is flaring up this evening. I feel jittery and dont feel like i cant sit still. aniety makes me feel weird sometimes. the focus of my brain is not as it should be. When i was younger i could sit in the living room for hours and read a book with the television on and still carry on a conversation. Now I have trouble fousing on writing or reading with any interruption in the backroom. Like now, I'm trying to write down how i feel and i have one of my favorite shows, nurse jackie, on in the background and i cant focus very well. what should take me a few minutes to write down is taking me 3 times as long haha trying to be strong when all you want to do is break down and be the opposite is not easy. being home that is one thing that is hard for me. i am always the rock in the family. the one who holds it all together. when my mom needs something or when everyones fighting i find a way to fix it. get everyone back together. sometimes i just dont want to be that person. sometimes i just want to curl up with my dogs and not get out of bed. i say my dogs cause my wife is out of town...id much rather have her warm cuddly body next to me. ya know i was thinking. how did i control my anxiety, my jitteryness (probably not a word but who cares) before i had meds. before i had something or someone to consume my time. then i remembered. i used to have sex. whenever i was anxious i would find someone and fuck our brains out. most of the time it was someone i didnt know. or someone i shouldnt be fucking. the thrill of doing something i know i shouldnt was something that caused my anxiety to quit. least momentarily. now i have to reteach myelf how to deal with myself.

[anxiousbrain2016]

Day 4:6-8-16

Today I've been thinking about how I really want a haircut. I know its a dumb thing to spend time thinking about, but i want something cute. Maybe its cliche but i want a fauxhawk again, but ive been thinking about something where they do a design on the side and back of my head...maybe some coloring. idk but i'm anxious to get something new done. i also really want a lip ring butt dont think that will go over too wel at work. i dont know. i feel like i need something new. maybe a new tat...idk...something. i'm feeling anxious today. not like i'm worried about something more like i'm uneasy. like i need something to do. hyperactive. i get like this sometimes. not often but sometimes. like i just need a change. i think i used to do this when i was a kid too. i would change around my bedroom furniture. its weirdd to realize that you've had this issue your whole life. i just seem to not handle it as well as ive gotten older or soething. back to work tomorrow...here we go...lol

[spooky-being]

Pink 👾🐩🌸🍑

[spooky-being]

Fresh cut ~

[anxiousbrain2016]

Day 3:6-7-16

So today wasnt a total bust. My new boss asked me how being back in Ohio, I've been in california for the last 3 years, is going. I told him i really like being back and i feel like i'm making a difference at my new store. He agreed that i really am making a difference at the store and he's glad to have me. it was a nice boost for my moral/ego. i'm off work tomorrow and plan on making some stuff. i love cooking and i am in the mood to make some new stuff. i''m gonna make a banana cake and maybe some mac n cheese. i also wanna make a breakfast cassarole so that i can have it for breakfast for a couple days. One thing i am having trouble with is my sunburn. its a little itchy and burny at this point. I think im going to write some tomorrow too. a day at home will probably do me good. sorry my blog is kinda lame today. i'm ready for bed and got a tooth ache. oh well. such is life. peace out people.

[anxiousbrain2016]

Day 2: 6-6-16

Today is day #2. Obviously. How do i feel today? Lets see.... Tired is the first word that comes to mind but that seems to be the case quite crequently lately. Other than that I feel pretty good today. Today was full of things to do but not things that had to be done if that makes sense. I took my grandpa something i ordered for him and brought my two pups along. Then i stopped by my dads house and visited with him which is always nice. it still makes me think sometimes about how he missed out on a huge chunk of my life, almost 10 years, but we have a good relationship now. he makes me really want a motorcycle though hahaha hes got a trike and i would love to go riding with him on days when i dont work and its nice outside. would love to feel the wind beating against my chest as i ride down open country roads. also i been thinking about writing again. i used to write fantasy short stories but i havent for quite a while. not sure why. every once in a while i just get in the mood. i made fried rice for the first time tonight. well my version of that. it turned out pretty good i think everyone said it was good. overall my anxiety has kept quiet today. though not so much my brain. it seems to always be going. thoughts jump around from one subject to the next. thinking about al the things i could be doing or should be doing or want to do. sometimes its worse than others. today i tried to keep it calmed down. sometimes i wonder what goes on in other peoples minds. do they work the same way as mine does. can they file things off and forget about them for a while without completely forgetting them all together. as u can see from my blogging i jump quite frequently. oh well this is me take it or leave it

[anxiousbrain2016]

Mum: act normal at the family gathering

Me: what? Do you think I'm gonna do something GAY???

[xjustpaul]

“I am not crazy. I am unique!” OITNB❤️ -11 to season 4! 😍

[the-reading-nook]

[anxiousbrain2016]

if i had this room im not sure i would ever leave