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Reflection 9/9

A very close friend and I were talking about how amazing it is that we are where we are today. 4 months ago she was struggling, and I was struggling with a lot of aspects of my life. For a while, every day I woke up and just dreaded things, I dreaded what I was going to think throughout the day.

And now, for the last 3 months, I feel like I’ve been a different person. I literally haven’t stopped - got an insane new job, I’ve been out seeing friends and being spontaneous and more carefree every weekend since the beginning of June (a lot for someone who can very easily be introverted!), and the other day I EVEN woke up, looked in the mirror and thought “damn I actually almost am happy with how my legs look” a thought I’ve never had. Yeah my bum isn’t as big or round cos I’ve lost fat, but I’m far more happier in my own skin now, I don’t feel gross wearing crop tops and small tops at all. So yeah, I can live with the fact my bum isn’t as big 😂 Because I’ve got a level of confidence that I haven’t had for a long time.

I don’t know why I’m writing this really, I guess as a reminder to my future self whenever I get a little low (because it will happen, nobody stays this happy 24/7 #life) that I got through what was probably the hardest 6 months of my life to date. I remember thinking, at some point in may, “2018 has actually been the most challenging and shit year I’ve ever had.” And now it’s all flipped and I feel better than ever. I’ve changed so so much this year.

I’d say this is a similar feeling to what I had when I got my tattoo all those years ago - a reminder that I wil always be okay, even if it feels like my life is the absolute shits.

Does this call for another tattoo?!? ;)

I remember

I think

I wanted to protect a new friend I'd made

He wanted to fight

So I flirted with him to try and stop him from punching my friends

And it went too far

I remember.

I think....:

This is the first time I've really got drunk since then. 3 months. First time I've let my feelings surface. The memories. But the outcome is still the same: I didn't want it. I was trying to protect a driend. It went too far.

I still hate sexual things, but tbis is part of the process. A step forward. I remember.

03:25, 28/04/18

Note to self:

Just because you haven't found a job you enjoy yet (well I have but I don't have it anymore looool) doesn't mean you'll be stuck forever. Just because you're broke now doesn't mean you'll be broke forever.

Everything is temporary, I had an incredibly amazing positive few months before I went away with a great mindset, and now it's been a bit up and down, but that's fine. I know I'm motivated and a hard worker, I will find a job soon....I hope. Stuff always works out, and then it doesn't. But that's just life and I've got to keep telling myself that this phase is just that, a phase! A phase of uncertainty and upheaval, of change. Oh how different I imagined my life to be right now 😂

I can't wait to be a 'workaholic' again for a job I really love and that challenges me, for my current diet/fitness reigime to pay off, and to have enough money to go and do nice things with my friends again. And to buy my lost (stolen?) rings back!!!!!

In the next two/three years I either want to move out or go travelling again. I do wonder which one it will be😂

Lastly,

No more counselling: I made that decision today. I don't want to remember how I felt that night anymore, I just want to put it behind me and move on.

I will never have the answers I want about that night, but I have to move on. I will never know whether I was spiked or whether I was just absolutely blackout drunk. I will never know what he did (or how I responded) when I said no, I will only ever remember the tears and the lifelessness. I have no idea when my sex drive will return but I sort of hope it doesn't, not for now anyway. I still have this horrible negative bitter view of sexuality, and that will take time to disappear.

Maybe when someone can look me in the eye and tell me they love me, I will have a positive view of it again. Maybe only then will I trust another 100% with my body and mind.

I will hate myself forever over what happened, until the day when I can finally forgive myself and admit that it wasn't my fault. Charlotte said to me the other day she's never ever heard me cry like I did that night I phoned her, that I scared the shit out of her. That's got to mean something, right?

He was incredibly aggressive, tried to pick a fight with someone, had to be restrained by other people. No idea why. But that's another fragment I remember, and that's enough. It's so so so bitty and that's fine. I don't need to remember everything.

The next challenge will be how I behave when I meet someone I like. How to trust, how to feel comfortable again.

But for now, enough is enough. Thinking about it only makes me hate myself, and hate men/sexuality.

#overandoutttt

Goal for the next week

Start my to-do list/monthly goals book again like I did in final year

I neeeeeeed to get out of this rut and get back to how I was before

I've had enough

Is this how it's going to be from now on. When something traumatic happens I get a flashback of the feelings I felt when being assaulted?????????? And I end up being hysterical about that? Is that what I have to cope with now!????

I HAVE NEVER BEEN AS CLOSE TO CRASHING AS I WAS TODAY

Hyperventilated again :) and I could barely drive because I was so shaken :) and then because that feeling of shock and the blurry vision/tingling was the exact same feeling I felt that night, I started crying again :) hahhhhgah fuck this

Nothing shall affect me anymore.

I just still struggle to accept that it happened to me, I still think it was just my fault and that because I didn't struggle much I surely must have wanted it or given the wrong signals. (Counsellor said it's likely I didn't or couldn't respond because my body was almost in shock or couldn't process things and couldn't fight back. Fight or flight.)

But I felt so helpless and limp

I wish I could remember how long it went on for, how it stopped (did I just lie there for ages and ages until he'd had enough? Did he feel guilty? Did he suddenly realise there were tears rolling down my face and that I was just lying there feeling disgusting and useless?), how I behaved....but I can't. I can't. All I remember are those few awful fragments, the one moment of crying, not wanting to go near him after, and somehow leaving. I don't think I'm ever going to remember any more than that and I guess I don't really need to.

Need to go for blood tests just to 'be sure' that I don't have HIV. Wonderful. Obviously the odds are in my favour but I'm still fucking terrified as fuck knows what sort of person he was like and what kinds of people he did things with.

I can't accept what happened to me as not my fault though.

I'm good and getting on with life but the memory is always there, not all the time, but it pops up at random times. Always lingering.

I write about this to try and process it, and I opened up more last week to counsellor about it apparently, which is good.

I've been for counselling twice now and it's funny cos what happened abroad isn't really doing me toooo much damage right at this moment (but idk how I will react when certain situations arise) but what is being spoken about more is the repetitive shit I received from people throughout my teenage years. Which I thought I was 'over.'

My counsellor said that I seem to think each time those groups of people were mean to me, that it was my fault as I always asked "what have I done wrong now, why do they hate me" and because of all of that, it's built up these insecurities and beliefs in me that I've never really got rid of and has consequently made me worry far too much about what people close to me think and whether people hate me all the time. (Those thoughts aren't loud all the time but they're always there)

I DIDNT EVEN REALISE THAT WAS TRUE TILL I HEARD IT FROM SOMEONE ELSE but it is. I always thought my self esteem was healed when my eating improved, as I didn't detest the way I looked. I never really realised that I was still uncomfortable with who I am as a person, even if I never really showed it or vocalised it. And it's largely due to how I've been treated and then instead of realising it was just them being assholes and not me, I have built up this belief that I must piss people off all the time.

Even all of this I've only told Laura, as I'm worried people will think I'm pathetic and a loser for having some issues.......ha

Onwards and upwards though from here right

#it helps to ramble online

Still so annoyed I didn't get to do any of asia :(

Like 5/6 weeks of travelling was not worth losing my old job over, I'm so so annoyed

Maybe I'll be able to find something better 🤷‍♀️

#no fucking luck yet though

Maybe he doesn't believe me

It's taken a chunk out of my self esteem, brought back my anxious paranoia, I feel like I'm terribly inadequate

But weirdly my thoughts aren't "oh *that* happened and now you're not good enough" it's more just "you're not good enough" which is strange

Who the fuck do I talk to?

#prob a therapist lol #will take weeks

Has it really only been two weeks

Feels like I've been trying to carry on for ages. But partly through no choice of my own, I've got to fly home on Sunday. I'm so upset that it has turned out this way, I'm so upset I haven't proven to myself that I can travel alone for months, I'm so annoyed that I don't feel like I'm capable of even looking after myself. I don't want to go home to the cold and the grim and no doubt the louder thoughts in my head.

Just fuck fuck fuck fuck you for 'not realising' or ignoring the fact I was crying and DIDNT WANT ANY OF IT AND I SAID NO ANS I REMEMBER SAYING NO AND THEN IT HAPPENING ANYWAY AND CRYING AND JUST LYING THERE LIKE A FUCKING RAG DOLL LITERALLY NOT RESPONDING TO ANYTHING

I don't remember much after that, until you begged for a hug and I repeatedly refused - this makes sense now. You must have realised I was a mess and realised what you did and "oh please come on, just give me a hug" "no" "come on" YOU MUST HAVE KNOWN

Then survival instincts kicked in idk how much later, and I ran. That is it.

I know I should probably talk through my feelings about this with someone, but typical me I genuinely (?) think I'm okay.

It's always like this, I overthink whether I'm okay or not.

I'm worried I've just shoved it to the side and that it will resurface when I'm eventually next intimate or whatever.

Sometimes I have really thought I was okay and happy, until something changed and I realised how unhappy I actually was.

I remember saying no and not having the energy or even being aware enough of what was happening to fight it

But I'm fine, right?

When something happens that everyone tells you was out of your control and isn't your fault, yet you feel like it is all your fault, what do you do?

It could have been way worse and other people have had it way worse but I feel lost and like I'm just wandering around aimlessly with no idea what to do.

I don't have the energy to socialise with anyone yet I'm scared that if I'm on my own for too long my thoughts will get the better of me.

I could have stopped it I could have stopped it. I think?

I found a red mark on my waist. Not sure how it got there.

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