Aperture Science Employee Notification And obituaries Service

(side blog of @friedtoastandegg btw)

[aperturescience-notifications]

We are hiring new test subjects,

Are you down on your luck? Just been kicked out of your apartment? Gotten Divorced? Accidentally called your teacher mom? Or if you just want A bit of extra cash?

We want you!

Please send your applications

Pay: $100 per test*

We provide accommodation and 3* Cooked meals A Day!

Applications should be send to our ask box

[memesmusingcorner]

Reblog if it's okay to invade your ask box

Always

[scribbledstars16]

ALWAYS

[theaterkidest2009]

LITERALLY ANY TIME!!!! PLS SEND ME ASKS THEY MAKE ME SO HAPPY

[tr4v1s-sk4t3rb0y]

I like yapping :) so always

[artemis-offical]

(ooc: ofc lol)

[poseidon-offical]

Naturally we gods would accept offerings.

[sans-the-skeleconch-offical]

ASK ME THINGS, I ANSWER EVRYTHING!

[pegz-and-rexy-offical]

Plz (this goes for all my blogs)

[aperture-hr-official]

() (This goes for me,)

-{And me,}

[rattmann-offical]

And me!!

[aperturescience-notifications]

Hello! Our record indicate that you serve an Aperture Science Enrichment Cebter from an alternate universe! We would like to establish a working relationship with you. Please respond within [10] business days and [50,000] business years. Thank you!

- @aperture-announcements

Everyone here at Aperture Science would like to humbly acknowledge the communication from Aperture Science to Aperture Science. Aperture Science, in its pursuit of Science, has neglected what made Aperture Science great: the Aperture Science methodology of Science™ . Aperture Science would like to accept your offer of a working Scientific relationship with you to keep this methodology of Science strong, and to unite in the pursuit of Science, for the sake of Science (and increased Shareholder value). We will keep Aperture Science, and Science, in the forefront of our mind, while we, here at Aperture Science, work with Aperture Science.

-Aperture Science

[aperturescience-notifications]

[︵ ▣

Hmm, a Aperture Science Weighted Storage Cube. I wonder where that came from?

[aperturescience-notifications]

(The Cat seems to have wandered into the facility)

(it seems the florescent lights may be hurting its eyes, as it is squinting slightly)

@scp040jp-offical

We will take great care to not disturb this cat, however our science team had alerted us to some interesting developments, including a very “pleasant” phone call from someone from the so-called “SCP” foundation.

However, until someone comes to collect them, they will be stored in the Aperture Science Anomalous Creature Containment And Research Facility.

Is this your cat? Please call [phone] (extension 262) or use the Ask button to get in contact.

[aperturescience-notifications]

👁️👁️

*hides in the vent shaft*

- @rattmann-offical

the RATMAN may want to learn to HIDE a bit better,

Your precious cans of food have been DESTROYED

If we had neurotoxin emitters in the vents, I would be using them

oh wait

your days are numbered... ratman

until we meet again

[aperturescience-notifications]

Do you offer free top surgeries and testosterone in exchange for completing tests? Cuz I'll sign up and do any amount of tests y'all want me to do if that's a possibility

Yes, Prospective Test Subject! Through the works of the Aperture Science Cave Johnson Negotiation & Compromise Committee and the Aperture Science Collective of Gender, We Offer Gender reassignment/removal at NO extra cost to the subject. (excluding the cost of the new testing uniform, repeat prescription and the deduction of your paycheck)

Rest assured, if their is a demographic we can appeal to, we will.

It does come with a short 12-36 Month testing contract, but with results like this, who could complain.

[carolineisntdeleted]

I Have Opinions About Your Boss!

- @miss-boss-official

I am quite sure you do! We all do.. but please, go ahead, I'd like to hear yours..

[aperturescience-notifications]

Reminder to all employees:

Discussion of Cave Johnson on company time is PROHIBITED!

In that regard: Discussion of mr Johnson on NON company time is ALSO PROHIBITED

(However, the DOL do prohibit us from making that a rule)

Issues with our leadership should be taken to: The DOOR! If you don’t like the way we manage this company, I’m sure plenty of other places will be MORE then willing to take you, and listened to your little, hare-brained ideas that “Mr Johnson shouldn’t be testing on children” or “Mr Johnson shouldn’t have spent all that money on… blah blah blah BLAH”

[chell-official]

[various conversational gestures]

!! 👋 :))

[friedtoastandegg]

In other news, chexk out this mug I got for Christmas

[aperturescience-notifications]

Someone (cough Suzan W. cough) left weed brownies in mr Johnsons office...

Well then this explains the whole “when life gives you lemons” rant.

[carolineisntdeleted]

Guys it was actually me sorry, I was trying out a new cake recipe and it turned into that.. I didn't intend for Mr Johnson to get them....

[aperturescience-notifications]

Someone (cough Suzan W. cough) left weed brownies in mr Johnsons office...

Well then this explains the whole “when life gives you lemons” rant.

[aperturescience-notifications]

Send glados to kill a stalin, I trap in gulag, location unclear.

Scencierly, a Kazakh Journalist

Cave Johnson here,

Stay strong, unnamed Kazakh Journalist! Here at Aperture Science we are firmly against those reds, in fact, we will personal ensure their extermination! Im sure we can ramble up some good ol Cold War spirit, and-

Whats that?

What do you mean we aren’t in the Cold War anymore?

Fuck it

Unnamed Kazakh journalist! We are coming to you with our brand new, Aperture Science Emergency Kazakh Journalist Exfiltration Device! If someone will give us state regulation to launch it!

[aperturescience-notifications]

[🍰

What is this, i don’t see anything

[aperturescience-notifications]

I need a robot that looks like this, it need to be giant and very armor

Instructions unclear, we have made armoured hill, no statue.

We hope it is up to your specifications, we are under the impression you are important Kazakh reporter, I hope this means a good article, and the beginning of a strong relationship between our company and yours.

[aperturescience-notifications]

[intercom statics to life]

Cave Johnson here,

It’s come to my attention that some of you think Ive been acting like a Michael Cain, and-

[Assistant whispers in ear]

What do you mean it’s a book! I thought it was-

[Further Whispering]

What kind of name is Scrooge.. *cough cough*

Ok-

—

It’s come to my attention that some of my employees think Ive been acting like a certain “Ebenezer Scrooge” from a book know as “A Christian carol”-

[checks notes]

- “A Christmas Carol”, and I would like to make it clear these rumours are FALSE!

In fact, I -Mr Cave Johnson- would like to announce: The Aperture Science State-Mandated Annual Festive Half Day. This a new idea that the boffins down in legal have chalked up and I must say it’s pretty ingenious. I do however, want to stress that this is a HALF-Day. I expect you all here bright and early tomorrow morning, or on your head be it.

From everyone here at Aperture science, Merry Christmas. For everyone who doesn’t celebrate Christmas- you get the idea

Caroline! Grab me the Turkey! I can feel a hunger coming on-

[aperturescience-notifications]

Hey, Id like to apply! idk i can be bothered to actually turn up though

At this point management woukd probably accept anyone. Do you happen to be resistant to neurotoxin by any chance?