THE REBUKE IN MAUL’S voice is confirmation enough for him. confirmation that, by the end of all of this, all it was ever about was vengeance. were the gentle touches, the careful caresses, the soft voices in the dead of night, were they nothing then? did they MEAN nothing? they meant something to uli— no, kenobi. they meant something to KENOBI. but now . . . he’ s not so sure. was that just something of convenience? he wonders if this is their lot in life — a fleeting taste of something GOOD, only for it to be a short-lived. only for it to mean NOTHING in the grand scheme. the jedi were right. attachments only lead to the dark side.
obi - wan is silent for a long time before he exhales a long breath ( pained breath ) and he thins his lips, looking down. he nods, rubbing his index finger and thumb under his eyes before pinching the bridge of his nose. he will not cry. THERE IS NO EMOTION THERE IS SERENITY. he will not yell. THERE IS NO PASSION THERE IS PEACE. he will no lose himself to his thoughts. THERE IS NO CHAOS THERE IS HARMONY. there is only the force. he folds his arms over his chest, as though to protect his heart from the PAIN he feels in this moment.
and oh, he can feel MAUL’S as well. ( he carefully closes himself off. ) his disposition is icy now, his voice cold and collected as he speaks. ❝ you don’ t understand, maul. ❞ he says. ❝ i can’ t explain it to you but there’ s something bigger than this. revenge is not the way. it’ s never the way. it is not yet our time. sidious has done cruel things, he does not deserve to live. but we cannot execute him . . . it’ s not the will of the force. ❞
he understands now. THIS WAS A TRIAL. just like when he first fought maul on naboo over a decade ago now.
A SINGLE STEP FORWARD , hand ever so slightly outstretched as if he wants to grasp kenobi once more — and maul halts . he recognizes the cold anger of obi - wan kenobi , knows the right words that would send a thaw through the other man , knows the way to hold him , to caress him , to bring him back from the brink .
but that is no longer his place .
has it ever been his place ? maul doubts it . he wants it to be — wants them to make a home in each other in a way that maul has never been allowed , wants them to find any comfort they can . and perhaps , for a while , they did — but it couldn't last . obviously it couldn't last , because maul is not allowed closeness . he is not allowed tenderness , or care , or lo — he's not allowed any of it .
perhaps sidious was right to try to break him of this desire , this need for other people . maul almost wishes he had been able to , wishes he felt nothing in this moment , wishes that he'd taken to his master's teachings the way he should have . but maul was , in that as well as so many other aspects , a failure .
( his master's words echo in his brain , dizzying him , sending pinpricks to the corners of his eyes . )
( OH , POOR MAUL . ALL HE EVER WANTED WAS A FRIEND . )
a derisive snort , forced past the agony he feels . ( pain into anger . pain into anger . pain into anger . ) his hand drops to his side , and he digs his nails into the palm of his hand as if desperate to feel something other than heartbreak . he will not cry , will not give kenobi the satisfaction . ❝ the will of the force , ❞ he sneers , ignoring the sinking feeling in his stomach . ❝ since when have i cared about the will of the force , KENOBI ? ❞ and once again the name is used as a weapon , sharp , hateful , dripping with an unidentifiable toxin — regret , perhaps — or desperation . ❝ i should have known better than to trust you in this , should have known that you would eventually abandon — ❞ me , he does not say — ❝ our mission . i should have seen it coming . ❞ and this last is said barely audibly , more a rebuke of himself than of obi - wan kenobi .
he should have known better than to trust anyone , should have known that he is , as he has always been , disposable .
