We Have What We Have When We Have It - Part 3
The day to return the stones finally came. Steve made sure that the soul stone was the last stop on his trip. It was time to say goodbye. Read on AO3.
The day to return the stones had finally come.
Bruce had spent the past number of days making all the necessary tweaks for Steve to safely travel to all the different locations and spots in time and get back in one piece. The last thing he needed was to get stuck in the past and/or on some planet lightyears away, so he was thankful for the extra time that the scientist was taking in exacting the formula.
Meanwhile, Steve had spent the last few days reading and re-reading all of Natasha’s notes and letters. All of them were for him. Each one was different; the tones and lengths varied and the timeline in the shifting of her affections became more and more noticeable as he read. A lot of them described missions they had gone on or were about to go on, sometimes in extreme detail like it was almost therapeutic for her to do so and other times in broad brushstrokes with just dates and times. Some of them accounted conversations they’d had with one other and he found himself recalling the memories with ease as soon as the words popped from the page as though he was back there in that moment with her. It was so easy – too easy – to get lost in the memories, to change them ever so slightly so that they’d end differently – like maybe he gathered up the courage to compliment her or maybe even to be so bold as to tell her how he truly felt.
He caught himself replaying her phrases all throughout the day, each time hearing them with a slightly different voice of hers – sometimes light and airy, other times heavy and quiet. At night he lay awake imagining the ways in which she might have revealed her feelings – sometimes they’d be on a mission and she’d blurt it out casually in between kicks and gunshots; other times they’d just be sitting together on the couch like they did countless times before and she’d just whisper it into the room like a soft prayer. Each time it hit him a different way because while the scenarios he conjured up weren’t real, her words were.
Every now and then she’d write something that would appear so out of place among the rest of the sentences that it’d cause him to pause, put the paper down and squeeze the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index finger because it’d get too much. She’d note things like: ‘And then you smiled at me, and it was different than your usual smiles. More…I don’t know, private, I guess? As if it was just for me. So I smiled back and I can’t explain it but it was like something expanded in my chest. I felt…warm, I think. But not in an uncomfortable way; in a really, really nice way. I kind of always want to feel like that.’ But then, later on, she’d write something like: ‘Do you have any idea how stubborn you are? You think you know what’s best but really you’re just floundering about like the rest of us because newsflash, Rogers, none of us have ever had to face anything like this before. So we’re all just trying to throw around ideas and come up with a plan and you’re just sulking over in the corner with your arms folded across your chest in this defiant, patriotic stance – and it’s really unhelpful. Sometimes I wish you’d just listen a little bit more.’
Reading them was unpredictable, much like Natasha herself. And there was a beauty in that. There was a beauty in the way she didn’t just paint pretty pictures of how she felt or how things went down; she was raw and honest and funny and heartfelt. The letters were like a glimpse into her soul and while Steve knew without a shadow of a doubt that he loved her, he knew it even more as he read her stories and worries and fears and insecurities. And though knowing that nothing he could do could bring her back, they provided him the chance to have her with him always.
The night before the mission, Steve had been up writing a letter to her, trying and failing to find his words that could accurately and deeply convey everything he felt about her. God…he really didn’t want to say goodbye. He never planned on saying goodbye. So the words didn’t come easy. They were hard-fought and clunky, and didn’t really make much sense when he read them back to himself, but what else could he do? He hoped that maybe, somehow, by some stretch and bend in the cosmic world, she would be able to hear what he had to say because he was planning on leaving his heart there on that mountain in Vormir. This felt like the best way to finish their story. Because that’s what it was. She wasn’t coming back and there was nothing anyone or anything could do to change that.
But Natasha deserved to hear that she was just as loved and wanted – he was going to make sure of it.
He was thinking of taking a break after this, some time off to re-evaluate what he really wanted to do. While walking away from Captain America wasn’t something he thought he could ever do, a hiatus from it all felt like the right decision. There were people out there looking after different worlds and nations, people who they could count on if anything got too hairy down here, people who could be trusted, people who were friends. Earth was in safe hands.
It was time to get a life and getting a life meant figuring out who Steve Rogers was without the title and the role that came with being an Avenger.
It was strange; it felt as though returning the stones was the end of an era, the last chapter of this book that he had been writing for the past few years. Going on missions, fighting and saving, being part of a team, had become a part of him over time and it seemed funny to him that he was going on this, pretty huge, pretty vital, last mission by himself. But, in a way, that was what he wanted.
This mission allowed him to say goodbye to the two women who shaped him into the man he was now.
Getting a chance to say goodbye to Peggy in a way that he never thought possible was too great of an opportunity to miss. Not ever getting to have that date or that dance together was something that haunted him for years and even though she was alive when he came out of the ice, he never quite felt like he expressed just how much she meant to him, at least not in a way she could understand. And he really wanted to show her. Just one dance. That’s all he wanted. And then he could move on and put that life, and all that came with it, behind him.
But when they mapped out the various routes for the trip, he made sure that returning the soul stone was the final stop on his quest.
It was a beautiful day; sun shining high, not too hot, not too cold, a delicate breeze in the air. The perfect day for a last mission – at least for now, anyway.
The suit felt tighter.
Heavier, too.
Almost like the material knew it was the beginning of an end.
Steve took a long, hard look at himself in the mirror in his bedroom, taking note of all the scratches and tears and patches that now adorned the suit. They were battle scars; scars of victory and scars of loss. He smiled sadly at his reflection, catching all of the scars his face and body displayed too. He looked different; tired and dismayed. Older. A version of himself he’d never met before.
From outside he heard Bucky call his name.
It was time.
Bucky and Sam had insisted on sending him off, even though to them he’d only be gone a few seconds, but Steve knew that if the roles were reversed, he’d do the same. Getting both of them back really helped in the aftermath of the battle; whilst talking about what he was going through didn’t come easy - or at all most days, just having them around as a solid presence brought him a sense of peace. There was a solace in knowing that he wasn’t alone.
When he ventured out to the lake, Steve admired the view one more time. The trees that protected the lake like a fortress now swayed in the light breeze, almost as if they were waving farewell to him. Even though he knew and believed that he was coming back, he knew he wasn’t coming back the same – and it felt like nature knew that, too.
“You ready?”
With a nod, Steve joined Bruce and Sam by the workstation that had been set up.
Bruce, arm still in a sling and looking a little more worn than usual, presented the case with the infinity stones inside to him.
“Remember,” he started, “you have to return the stones to the exact moment you got ‘em or you’re gonna open up a bunch of nasty alternative realities.”
Steve nodded. “Don’t worry, Bruce,” he assured, taking the case. “I’ll clip all the branches.”
“You know, I tried - when I had the gauntlet, the stones...I really tried to bring her back.” The man paused, forlorn and defeated. Turning his head to look at Steve, he continued with a sigh, “I miss her, man.”
The blonde dipped his head at the admission. It was obvious that Bruce still cared about Nat and though he never really let his mind go there, Steve knew that a part of her still cared about him, too –not in the same way she had at the time of Ultron, but still enough to want to rebuild a friendship with him. And despite never discussing the relationship they had, Steve knew that Bruce was grieving just like he was.
He peered up at the other man. “Me, too,” he replied, the words heavy and definite.
An understanding smile passed between them.
The letter he had written to her burned in the pocket of his undershirt that lay against his heart.
“Let’s do this,” he proclaimed louder, more assured, Captain America in full flight.
Returning the stones (and Mjolnir) hadn’t been as difficult as Steve anticipated. Sure he could have done without having to inject the reality stone back into Thor’s old lover while she slept – that he’d be sure to lord over the man for many years to come, but the rest were thankfully fairly inconsequential. Sneak in, return, sneak out, don’t cause any ripple effects or alter anything in the process. There was a slight hiccup with the space stone in Morag which resulted in a ducking-and-diving-from-an-intergalactic-weapon kind of getaway, but Steve considering fleeing from gunfire to be pretty standard territory at this point.
The second last stop on his quest was to return the space stone back to the military base in 1970. And he finally, after all these years, got to have that dance with Peggy. Maybe it wasn’t in the location they’d pictured with the fanfare and anticipation and all that came with a first date, and maybe there wasn’t any music playing, but it was worth waiting for. A part of his heart that once seemed empty had now been filled and while it hurt more than he would ever admit to say goodbye one more time, he took comfort in the fact that she would live a great life and be happy. And he was glad that he was able to keep his promise to her, too. Feeling bound to his old life had taken up so much of his time in the present day and he more than knew that couldn’t keep living his life like that anymore. Time had passed, he had changed – the Steve Rogers from then didn’t exist anymore, and getting this chance, this final moment in time, gave him the push to really and truly move on.
Though all of his travels were always going to lead him to Vormir last, a part of him sometimes wished he had gone there first just so he could get it over with. As the time dragged on and each stone had been put back in its place, the dread of knowing what was to come gnawed at his emotions. It felt like the week leading up to a funeral where all the arrangements had been made and you were just waiting until the day when it became official. He didn’t want it to be official. There was this odd comfort in ignoring the obvious truth for a while but he knew the second he landed on that planet it would all become real again and there’d be no more escaping into daydreams or fantasies. No, he’d have to stare the loss right in the eye.
What he didn’t expect was how beautiful Vormir was. Not in the traditional sense, but in this other-worldy way that his mind would have never been able to conjure up on its own. It looked like what he thought a planet in outer space would look like – but then so much more. Vibrant clashes of colour with impressive shapes of land like sketches of a child where there was no rhyme or reason to what something could and should look like. It exceeded all human concept and imagination. And even as he gazed out at this barren landscape, he had a moment of awe at the direction his life had taken. It was breath-taking and beautiful, yet crushing and painful at the same time. He had achieved so much, had seen so much, experienced more than he ever thought, saved the world and individuals alike. But he’d also learned true pain, felt isolated and alone, discovered new levels of anger and confusion, lost battles and friends.
The mountain sat ominous and foreboding in his eye-line. It was sharp and jagged; a place that looked like death and danger personified, and it was surrounded by pools of water laid out in a nonsensical pattern. Wind whipped around him, flicking snowflakes into his eyes as he trudged his way up, jaw tight and set as he ground his teeth together to fight off the cold. His breathing was laboured as he made the ascent and he briefly wondered at how Natasha had felt about making the climb – he could imagine her and Clint complaining about the others having it easier than them and a sad chuckle sounded from him at the thought.
When he finally reached the top, he took in the surroundings. Nothing to be seen for miles.
Suddenly, a voice boomed from behind him, “Welcome…”
Steve zipped around to a see a floating entity dressed in black. His eyes narrowed.
“Steven, son of Sarah,” the voice continued, making his blood run cold.
He approached it slowly. “Who are you?”
“Consider me a guide to you and to all who seek the soul stone.”
The blonde raised his head. “I don’t seek the soul stone,” he announced calmly and then reached into his pocket to take out the glowing orange rock. He had discarded the case after seeing Peggy, making sure to tuck the final stone into a secure part of his suit for the last trip. “I seek to return it.”
“It has never been done before.”
“Well then I guess I’m the first,” he pressed.
The body then moved toward him and as it drew closer its features became more defined. Steve’s eyes widened as the face of the Red Skull became clear. “What are you doing here? How are you here?” he seethed.
“I am the keeper of the soul stone. I was banished here to this purgatory state to guide others to a treasure I cannot possess.” The Red Skull waded past him toward the edge that overlooked a canyon of darkness. “A great sacrifice was made for that stone that you hold.”
The rock suddenly felt weightier in his hand. “I know.”
A few moments passed and then, “What you seek lies in front of you, as does what you fear.”
Steve peered over into the abyss and swallowed hard, knowing that at the bottom was where she once lay. There was nothing there now. Just emptiness. “I don’t understand,” he said. “I already have the stone; what is this?”
“The soul holds a special place amongst the infinity stones and its ways are unknown. The soul demands a sacrifice – in order to take the stone you must lose that which you love. No one knows, not even I, the price for returning it.”
He was irritated now. “So you’re trying to tell me that I have to do something in order for this to be put back? I don’t see how that makes sense.”
The Red Skull’s timbre was haunting. “I’m merely offering you all the knowledge I have on this matter. What you long to do has never been attempted before. There are secrets of the stone that I do not yet know and cannot pass on.”
“Well thanks you’ve been a great help,” the man sniped sarcastically and then released a long sigh.
So no rules, no ideas, no maps to follow. Just gut instinct and a bit of luck. Steve didn’t believe in luck.
With a shake of the head, he walked to the edge and retrieved the letter from his pocket. No matter what, no matter what worked or didn’t work, he came here for this. He stood there on the cliff edge, the chill in the air not just from the temperature but from the unnerving atmosphere of grief. The price of sacrifice hung in the breeze that started to grow stronger the longer he stayed there.
Stars sprung and danced across the purple sky, blazing and burning in countless patterns. It was stunning, and not for the first time on this journey, Steve tensed his eyes so that the tears that were threatening didn’t dare to fall. No more tears. Knowing that this sky was the last thing that Natasha saw was like the universe offering him one last link he could share with her. A short, but real smile flickered across his face at the thought, his soul feeling somewhat soothed.
He unfolded the pages and began to read.
“Dear Nat,” he declared out into the void.
“I know it’s late, I know it’s not enough but wherever you are, I hope you know that I feel the same way as you do. Writing letters is something I gave up a lifetime ago but after I read yours, I knew I had to respond. Forgive me if it’s not as eloquent as yours. Usually the first thing you do in replying to a letter is thank the person for writing to you in the first place and so I wanted to say thank you. Thank you for leaving me something of yours that I can have forever, for baring your soul and letting me into your heart. That is a privilege I don’t take lightly.
I don’t know how space and time and all that works, but I’ve seen enough to know that nothing seems impossible anymore. We’ve seen things that just defy explanation. So I believe that as I read this to you, you will hear me.”
He cleared his throat. “Nat, I’m sorry.
For so many things.
I wish…I wish things were different. I know why you did what you did and if I was in the same position I probably would have done the same thing, because whatever it takes, right? That’s what we all agreed; we knew what we were doing. But, God, I wish there was another way. But the thing is,” he sighed, “even though it’s selfish of me to stand here and wish you hadn’t of done it, I know that you would make that choice every single time because you would do anything for your family, and all you ever wanted was to make everything right again – because you, Natasha Romanoff, are a hero. You’re my hero. Go ahead and laugh all you want at that –because I know you are; I can hear it,” he sniffed sadly. “But it’s the truth.
We won because of you.
We got everyone back,” he stopped then, mouth dry, “… but we lost Tony. He sacrificed himself so that Thanos could be defeated and I miss him every day. And he missed you, by the way. It’s funny, he’s usually so vocal about things but when we all found out that you didn’t make it, he was strangely quiet. I think it hit him harder than any of us knew. You were important to him. To all of us.
The trouble with trying to save the world is that we embody this kind of confidence – maybe even arrogance – that we’re gonna make it, that while there’s risk and danger, we’re gonna win and we’re gonna get through. And that’s good because if we weren’t confident in ourselves and in each other, then I don’t think we’d ever win. But it’s also bad because it blurs the lines of reality that one of us or all of us could be killed. We don’t let ourselves think of that. We drive forward with intent and do what we have to do. But, Nat…” he shook his head, rolling in his lips, “…I should have been clearer on how I felt about you – you said it yourself I’m always waiting, but this time it’s all on me. I should have made more of an effort during those 5 years; I should have reminded you more of who you are and what you’ve done. I should have been more open and more honest. You deserved to hear that you were loved by us all, especially me.”
Steve lifted his gaze so that his eyes were searching the skies. “I love you, Nat. And I’m sorry you’re finding out this way.
When I met you, I gotta admit I was a little intimidated. You were the most skilled fighter I had ever seen. You didn’t take anything from anyone, and you trusted your instincts. I always admired that. And when you opened up to me the day we realized that SHIELD was really HYDRA well, I saw a part of you that I could really connect with. I saw a glimpse of the real Natasha. You know, sometimes I think about that day. I think about how you had just found out that everything you’d been working for had been a lie and for most people, that would have stopped them dead in their tracks, but not you. No, you’re not most people. You became adamant and focused on fixing it. You showed me true loyalty when I hadn’t given you much reason to. You showed me that you were someone who wanted to be better and wanted to fight injustice.
You know, we’re not all that dissimilar when you really think about it.
And as the years went on I saw more of that person, and I grew to not only respect and admire her, I grew to care for her – more than ever I cared to admit to even myself. You risked your safety and security and position to help me when I went after Bucky – you trusted my instincts. You showed up at Peggy’s funeral even though we disagreed on what to do with the team because you didn’t want me to be alone. And, Nat, I was never alone when I was with you. Ever. You said that I made you feel seen, well you opened up my heart again.”
His voice cracked at the end of the sentence and he cursed, annoyed at how hard his heart was thumping and how his lungs burned and his head ached. He could feel the Red Skull’s stare on his back but he persisted on.
“You know - and I’m pretty sure you’re gonna be smirking after I say this - but sometimes I think about the time you kissed me on the escalator. Though I hate to admit it, I lied to you then; that was my first kiss since 1945. But now more than ever, I’m glad that it was with you…even if it was terrible and I was way, way, out of practice.
But I’ve also thought about the other times we got close to kissing yet never did because…well, because we couldn’t risk losing each other. It never felt like the right time, it never felt like the right thing to do, but once the moment had passed, all I felt was regret. Every time. I think we were just scared to enter into new territory. We knew what lives we lead and we knew that it would complicate things and that we needed each other on a much deeper level and underlying it all, there was always this fear that it would ruin what we had. You have no idea how much I wish I had taken the jump and told you sooner, though. I wish we could have navigated it together - and you’re right, I don’t know what it would have looked like but I know we would have made it work because,” he softened his voice then, bringing to just a breath above a whisper as if she right there in front of him, “you’re the most important person in my life too, Nat. I would have put my everything into making it work, because you’re worth all of the uncertainty and all of the risk and all of the confusion. And I’m going to say that again so that you really understand: you are worth it. All of it. I know you think that your past prevents you from having anything good in your life, but I want you to know that whatever experiences you had to go through to get here, they shaped who you are now. And she is someone who I think is incredible.
I miss you so much that it hurts, and I know that it’ll always hurt when I think of you. I’ll miss the late night conversations and the jokes and your eyebrow that can change everything with just one move and the assurance of knowing someone has my back. Most of all, I’ll miss the way your eyes light up when you get excited about something and the smirks that transform into real, genuine smiles once you’ve let your guard down and the way you understand me, like no one else does. You were my best friend, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to find another one like you.”
The last line of the letter became blurred through his tears and Steve tore his eyes away from the page for a few beats, unable to bring himself to read on. Once he read it, it was over. This was the end. A couple of drops landed on the sheet, blotching some of the ink. His hand shook as he raised the page closer to his face as if the proximity could force the sounds of him. He needed to do this.
Voice thick and quivering more than he would have wanted, he finally whispered, “I love you, Natasha Romanoff, with all of my heart. I hope that someday, somehow, someplace, I’ll see you again and get to tell you to your face.
All my love,
Steve
Before he could change his mind, he then released the piece of paper and looked on as the wind caught it and swirled it around open space. Hands clenched tight, he made sure to keep his stare on it as it plummeted to the bottom of the cliff. Tears burned in his eyes. The orange rock shone in his hand, its dazzle almost taunting him. Here goes nothing, he thought and without much effort, he let the stone drop from his grasp and inhaled sharply as the glow illuminated the steep descent. This was it. No more stones. No more chance of seeing her or getting her back.
It was over.
And then it all went dark.
The slop and slosh of water yanked him from the depths of darkness and he could feel wetness flowing around the frame of his body. Blinking heavily, Steve’s eyes opened to a new scene; the magnificent purple sky that had enraptured him earlier was now a silky lilac, all of the stars tucked back away for a later time. Was it now morning? A white moon, much like the one on earth floated off in the distance as if awakening too.
Realization that he was lying down dawned on him, and he pulled himself up into a seated position, turning his head from left to right as he scanned the new surroundings he found himself in. Over in the distance, what could have been miles away, was the mountain he once stood on.
“What the…?” he mouthed aloud to himself.
“I think you found a loophole.”
He jerked at the sound from behind, and hurried to his feet, arms out in front ready to attack if necessary, water splashing around with the movement.
But then he saw her.
And his whole body went slack.
Red hair tied in a braid with streaks of blonde running through it. Green eyes that bore deep into his own. Lips slightly curved into a smirk. Black suit he’d know anywhere, anytime, anyplace.
This couldn’t be real.
This wasn’t real.
“Nat?” he breathed.
She just nodded, eyes filling just a little. “Hey, Soldier.”
Though it was obvious the greeting was meant to be a little mischievous, it came out raspy instead, like she hadn’t used her voice in a while and was trying to get a hold of it again.
“Wha…” he paused, gulping and then, “…how?”
“I don’t know,” she rushed, licking her lips, breathing slightly ragged. “I…” she gazed fiercely at him, “I…could hear you…somehow and then…” she squeezed her eyes shut for a beat, “…and then there was this glow and it was so bright and I just…I just woke up here and I saw you and…” she pulled up then as if really seeing him for the first time, “…I saw you,” she repeated in awe.
The stone. He threw the stone down with the letter and both of them ended up here.
But how?
“You heard me?” he asked.
“Yeah,” she whispered. “I don’t know how but I did. All of it.”
As much as he had prayed to a God that he wasn’t sure even existed that somehow this would happen, he still couldn’t understand how she was here with him. Unless…
You must sacrifice that which you love.
Steve understood and was willing to say goodbye to someone he loved wholeheartedly.
Letting go of Natasha was the ultimate sacrifice. The ultimate exchange.
The price of returning the stone.
He had brought her back.
His eyes clapped on her then, his relief and joy unbridled. She met his gaze with similar intensity. Steve closed the gap between them in an instant and pulled her into a hug, needing to feel that she was real. With only some hesitation, Natasha encircled him with her own arms, one hand gripping his back, the other on his neck, fingers brushing the end of his hair.
“This is real?” she asked so quietly he almost didn’t hear her.
All he could do was nod.
“I can’t believe it,” she breathed, her words watery.
Breaking back only so much that their faces were mere inches apart, he tenderly brought up a hand to cup her face and gently danced his thumb across her cheekbone. “Nat, I love you. I’m so sorry I never said it.”
Her brow crinkled, green eyes incredulous but so hopeful, “You do?”
“Yeah, I do.”
The words ran off her tongue as if she was afraid they’d disappear if she didn’t get them out, “I love you, too.”
Her own admission seemed to take her by surprise and before she could say or do anything else, Steve leaned in and kissed her. The most perfect kiss he could have ever imagined. It wasn’t forced or rushed or planned or complicated or any of that other stuff that comes along with a moment like that; it just was. It was everything he wanted and so much more.
When they pulled away, one of her signature smirks appeared and boy, did he miss them. “Now that was worth waiting for,” she laughed breathily. “Have you had practice?” she quipped, cocking an eyebrow. He missed that, too.
He offered a smirk of his own in reply. “Just saved the best for the right person, that’s all.”
She bit her lip, dropping her stare. “I,uh… think I have to get used to this. This is really…” she waved her hand out in front of her loosely, “…really new to me.”
He nodded in understanding, wanting her to feel seen and heard, wanting to be her safe place again. “We’ve all the time in the world. I’m not going anywhere, Nat,” he assured, taking hold of one of her hands.
“Well, good,” she responded, now fixated on their hands, “because neither am I.”
“So…how about we go and get that life we were always talking about?”
Her smile was full. “I thought you’d never ask, Rogers.”
The End.
