APPLESON//unfiltered

[applesonwang]

DWELLING PLACE

I will look on you with favor…And I will set My tabernacle among you             

Leviticus 26:9,11

Wowowowow. As I’ve been reading the Old Testament, I’m always surprised by how much God loves us and wants to know us.

“I will look on you with favor…i will put my dwelling place among you”

Even in the Old Testament, God wanted to know us. To be near to us. To dwell with us. Even if it could only be through a wooden box that the israelites had to carry around, he wanted to be with us.

Dang and it’s like when Jesus dies on the cross. We have salvation and can enter into a relationship with him. Christ can be experienced. He can be gained. He can be enjoyed!

He leaves his holy spirit so that he can dwell among us.

there is an intimate closeness, a level of love god wants to touch everyone with.

when we say god is close with the broken-hearted. he actually wants to dwell in the hearts of broken people. and I’m like whyyyy and he’s like because i love you and want to be near you.

God, make your home in our hearts today! Make our whole inner being your dwelling place, may our spirit be transformed into your life-giving love!!! God, make the entirety of our campuses your dwelling place, make the entirety of the world your dwelling place. May your kingdom come. May your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

Revelation 21:3

And I heard a great voice out of Heaven, saying, “Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and He will dwell with them; and they shall be His people, and God Himself shall be with them and be their God.

[applesonwang]

DETOXING

in relation to tumblr -

Today, I’m cleaning up my tumblr.  My drafts folder has been slowly accumulating to the 50s. So now I’m posting all the drafts I never got to post lol.

--

in relation to my life -

Be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth. Ephesians 4:23-4

Since January, it has become my desire to not only become swolle in the physical, but also swolle in the spiritual!!

And so I’m asking god to help detox everything that is not of Him. To become not just a believer of Christ, but a disciple of Christ. To continue to be molded into his very spitting image and to make disciples who love Him too! 

Because I’m so fleshy. So very very fleshy. 

Today, I literally was dragged out of bed 20 minutes late to our gym date by a couple of friends at 10 am. And as they were giving me advice on how to be on top of things and how to be more disciplined and organized, I realized just how not only un-disciplined, but also un-discipled I looked.  

For if you are living according to the flesh, you must die; but if by the Spirit you are putting to death the deeds of the body, you will live. Romans 8:13

I am subject to my flesh. 

But God asks us to die to our flesh. He asks us to deny ourselves. 

That’s kinda intense. 

I used to be so confused by this - this thing called discipline. I disliked this idea of acting on our faith because I thought the most important thing was that we love God personally first. And it’s when we act and minister during dry seasons that we get burnt out and become disillusioned. That the most important part is to take care of our heart. That we love God. 

But I realized something. First of all, that I was wrong kinda, and second of all that there were kernels of truth hidden in obedience. Yes, when we go into a commitment, we have to know our motivation, which is to love God! But truly, when we make a commitment to God, it gives God the opportunity to use us. Even during those really rough seasons. When we siphon off our flesh and choose to submit ourselves to the throne, when we choose to deny ourselves, we give God a willing part of ourselves to be refashioned and equipped for His kingdom. During those times when we hate God, when we feel as if God has forsaken us, when we choose to submit ourselves to commitments made before, it gives God a chance to reck us, to build character, for us to see that GOD ALREADY HAS VICTORY. To die to our flesh, to become blind to what we see in the physical and choose to have faith in an eternal kingdom mindset. During times of hurt, when we continue on to act on our faith, when we continue to minister to others, it gives God a chance to minister to our lives. Because when what little living water we have flows into others and we see the fruit of that, we are surprised and God flows into our lives. When we pour into others, God pours into us. For truly, God can’t teach stagnant people.

God’s kingdom is advanced through obedient people. 

Each day we die to our flesh, we come closer to God. Each time we choose to train, to read, to pray, to love - a piece of flesh is chiseled off, chains are broken, and our hearts comes closer to His. We grow spiritually and learn to love him ever more fiercely. 

So God, I’m ready for my detox. 

Detox Shortlist.  - Reading 10 chapters of bible a day - Scheduling in gym time 7 days a week and taking 2 cheat days :D - Praying as much as I gym - Actively sharing my testimony at least once a week (surprisingly the easiest thing on this list haha) - Singing a song of praise to him every morning - committing to my commitments.

[applesonwang]

...

I wonder what the aroma of Christ smells like.

[applesonwang]

FAITH

it’s when we step out in faith that we are most surprised

and disappointed.

but let us not live by the things seen.

and trust.

more trust!

because we know a god 

who is good.

who brings salvation and restoration

who is eternal joy,

love, and

truth.

trust. 

he is truth. 

love.

love until you can’t love anymore. and then love more.

joy.

knowing He is good in every season.

faith.

He is worth losing your life for.

[applesonwang]

DEC 5 2015: 

Today I cried. It was only really one tear, but still I cried. I remembered all the people I had hurt in my life and was saddened to know that I made a negative impact on their life, that I hurt them. That I caused brokenness whether big or small in another individual out of my own brokenness. I really wish I could undo all the pain that I’ve caused. I wish that I was better back then. I wish I was born into a Christian family. I wish that when I became Christian I didn’t mess up so freaking much. Ahhhhh, I’m so imperfect. But I so desire to be holy. I pray that wherever those people are at, the ones who I hurt, that God continues to move in their life. That there will be reconciliation. That they will know that they are loved. That God will cover their wounds with his overflowing and restoring love. It pains me to think of the damage I caused in people’s lives. I wish I could undo everything. But the only way we can go is forward. I know that my actions have caused the repudiation of several Christians’ faiths, which can be sometimes very hard to process. I wish I wish I wish it didn’t have to be that way. And I just want God to just love on them in a very real and tangible and unmistakably God way. Because I know what he did for me. I know he brought restoration to a city in ruins, brought living water to my dry bones, and breathed life again into my hardened heart and soul. He brought joy and friendship and love and peace. He brought salvation and freedom. And I sincerely desire those things for the people I have hurt. And the people I’ve felt bitterness towards. I just want them to have a revelation on his love. And how infinite it is. How big God is. How nothing on this earth will ever satisfy us except for God. How God is so real. He is everywhere and here all at the same time. He is the tether of this universe. God is good and God is real. I don’t want them to feel lonely or unloved. I want them to love and pursue God. To not just be disciples but to disciple others.

[applesonwang]

CALLING

We are all capable of hearing from God.

God has given us clear minds, clear heads, the ability to hear from Him and to discern His will. He calls us to bigger and brighter things. Wonderful and supernatural realities. Bigger and bolder acts of love. More wondrous and more fantastical works of creativity. He has left us with His Holy Spirit that lives inside of us. We just need to believe. 

My fall from God happened over junior summer. It’s funny how summer has historically been my least favorite season - the scorching temperatures, the ensuing laziness, the mental fuzziness/dizziness that accompanies such weather, the waking up in a puddle of your own sweat. It’s all too much for me. And the unfortunate events of last summer just further confirmed how much I disliked that season. 

To put it shortly, God had a promise. God did not follow through with said promise. I felt forsaken. And that’s what I thought.

But looking back now, I can see a different story. I felt convicted that God was telling me to be in New York. I thought that it meant taking a specific internship. I felt forsaken or that I couldn’t trust myself with hearing from God when said internship fell through. I felt stupid and internship-less for the rest of the summer. I thought that maybe I wasn’t supposed to be a designer. That I wasn’t qualified enough or I didn’t have the talent. I felt just….kinda shitty I guess. And that there was a lot more ambiguity surrounding the sitch than I originally thought. 

Since then I stopped praying because I thought I wasn’t good enough to pray. Or that my mind wasn’t clear and I couldn’t hear from him accurately and that as a result, maybe I wasn’t supposed to go into design. That’s why I started going through recruiting. Thank god I basically got rejected everywhere I applied. If that summer put me on the brink of summertime sadness, then working a consulting job would probably put me on the brink of hating myself and everyone around me from all the stress.

But I remembered something - Faith is believing without seeing. 

Or in my case, faith is believing that I can hear from him even when I was wrong in the past, or faith is following his will even when in the past, it seemed to have led me to a place of pain. If forgiveness is the willingness to be hurt again, then faith is the willingness to put my trust in God when I’ve been hurt before. 

I wish I could say that all of that registered in my brain, that I was fine, and that I realized I just needed to press in more. But instead, I kind of spiraled into a place of darkness. And it took a lot of prayer and wrestling and ministering to get to where I am today. Which is in a good place. And I thank God for that. 

It’s the times when we feel hurt by God that we need to press in more. It's when we think that we can’t hear from Him clearly that we need to listen and trust our ability to discern more.

But he didn’t just teach me that. He also showed me why I had to go through such a season. He wanted to teach me how to honor the process more than the outcome. That there is no rush. And how obedience is formed from daily habits. 

[applesonwang]

SLOW

What matters more is the time you put in, the experiences you gain and not necessarily the resulting outcome.

I got my worst grade ever at Dartmouth.

And I didn’t even see it coming. 

Is what I’m doing right God?

GIVE ME CLARITY PLZ.

Why do I feel like I get worse at design.

I feel old.

I’m running out of time. 

That is my running list of anxieties. When I’m anxious, the topic of concern usually revolves around one of those points of distress. 

I put it out there because I want to die to those concerns. I want to die to those thoughts and worries and not look back. I want to declare that God will give me greater peace and joy and love when I set my eyes on him and I want to refuse to look back when I jump off the boat and into his overflowing river of love. 

[applesonwang]

PUNKS

You know, I really like talking to people who are different than me. It exposes me to totally different life perceptions, different personalities, different callings. It reminds me of how awesome people are even though they don't have a job or don't go to church or do drugs or something like that. People are broken. We are all broken. But our brokenness does not define who we are. And I think that's the key thing to learning how to love people. Knowing that their brokenness, the brokenness that you see does not define who they are. That when put together, people are a mirror reflection of our God in heaven. That if we could see past all the messiness they cover themselves up in, we could see an identity made in the image of Christ. And this applies to every human. Today, I met a total punk.

[applesonwang]

WHY/WHAT/HOW

why am i here?

what am i to do with my life?

how should i go about implementing your plans?

where are you God? 

[applesonwang]

GREEDY

Oct 25 2015

I’m so greedy. I want everything this life has to offer. I want to experience extended travels in Asia, befriend people of all different types, shapes, and forms all over the world, learn from world-renown artists at a good graphic design school, be super swoll and healthy from the inside out, read up on Aristotle and other famous Christian theologians/apologetics, find a job that excites and challenges me, leave America and maybe come back, see the world from a different point of view. Experience life, live and love. 

I want all these things. But here I am now, applying to grad school at Dartmouth. 

Dartmouth has been slowly but surely suffocating me to death. Every day it’s the same. Everything that I do is the same. Day in and day out. The same people. The same classes. The same before-every-meal prayer. The same city. The same meals. The same gym workout. The same activities. The same commitments. My life has become a routine chore. And I feel almost bored, but not really. 

Empty. Not broken, not sad, not angry, not hurt. Just like no emotion. 

[applesonwang]

JK

Today I got a really bad hair cut so maybe ill hold off on that video blog. #itsreallybad

[applesonwang]

A THOUGHT

Maybe I should start video blogging again.

[applesonwang]

UNKNOWN

For now, I’m just living and processing.

I don’t know what I’m doing. And I don’t know what I’m going to do. And at times, I feel more like a blank slate than a developed person. Like an ambiguous and extremely malleable docket of personality traits continuously in flux. 

But I’m not allowed to be in this state forever. I can’t just be a wild card forever. For now it’s nice, but eventually, I will have to mature out of this stage.

I have to go back to school. And when I go back, I will have to give up my blank slate, I will have to give up my ability to be whoever I want to be. I will have to choose who I want to be. And yes, I can always change my mind, but a person can only be one person at one time. I will have to learn to grow up, to figure out more of just who I am when I should have figured this out years ago. I will have to be someone in 1.5 months. I will have to face reality and people. I will have to put my best foot forward and hope that it’s the right foot.

But until then, I’m content. The world moves at slower place. My body feeds off the nutrition I give it. My mind is intact and in place. I have the ability to change my mind with no repercussions. I make decisions with relatively little consequence. Being whoever I want to be depending on the mood or the day. Continuously in limbo and in thought. 

[applesonwang]

Clicking

Today I made a new friend. Today I talked with a current friend. Today I was helped by an old friend. Today was a good day.

Someone today told me that he would rather be 20% imperfect than completely 100% perfect so that he could leave space for that one special someone that’d make him perfect, a soul mate of sorts, a perfect complement in an imperfect world. It made me think.

[applesonwang]

I just cut off more than 2/3 of my hair.

[applesonwang]

MORNING

June 19 2015

5 am in the morning.

And... I think I can say I feel good. I feel a lot better.

I really don’t know where the time has gone... spent it watching re-runs of Bob’s Burgers (really want to purchase a keytar now). Reading through my newest book, “Rees Howells: Intercessor”, a biography by the founder of InterVarsity Christian fellowships. Working on random applications for missions trips I’ll probably never go on. Playing charades with myself in the mirror. And pretending I’m a big-name actress and reading off random scripts on the internet.

And now it’s 5 a.m.

But in a good way.

I realized that God is so much bigger than me. So much bigger than my tiny tiny puny wee little brain. I received a prophetic fortune cookie from a hole-in-the-wall Thai restaurant the other day: “Spectacular accomplishment is never preceded by less than spectacular preparation”.

Preparation. That was something I’ve recently been struggling with. Along with stewardship and obedience. For the last 4 weeks I’ve been feeling like my head was stuck in the crapper. Like my joy was taken from me. Things were falling apart, and I couldn’t hear God or know what in the world He was trying to do. But I know the end of the tunnel is near (it has to be...i mean summer’s basically here). I know that whatever God has planned will be made known soon. I really think so. (At the very least I hope that I’m listening correctly)

I know because yesterday I said yolo. And felt immense freedom like wearing no pants or something.

No, I didn’t actually say “YOLO”. But I did something I was meaning to do for a really long time now. Like a really long time. Like I was supposed to do it a long time ago but didn’t do it. Like because I didn’t do it, I was being disobedient to God. Being disobedient is being in sin. And disobedience to whatever the Holy Spirit had convicted me of was just as bad as lying, cheating, or stealing - things denoted as bad in the bible. Sin is sin. And the Bible is words yes. But words that have greater meaning because of Holy Spirit inspiration. So how much more important should it be to do what God convicts us to do when Holy Spirit communes with us now, today, in the present. Like in your face style. Day in and day out.

With one act of obedience, I felt so much freedom. It’s so weird because you would think that in a slave-master situation it would be the opposite. That you would continue to feel the terrible ponderosity and incredible burden of your “oppressed” situation as a slave to God through in and through all. No, not true. Because there is so much freedom in doing what pleases God. Choosing not to be slaves to temptations from the devil ot to what we want ourselves and choosing to follow God brings freedom when we act on the basis of our King in Heaven and Earth. We either choose to be slaves to ourselves or Him. We choose to hate Him or love Him. Obedience to Him and only Him brings freedom. Because His Kingdom is the only true and righteous thing on this planet. In a perfect kingdom, there is perfect freedom.

Disobedience is honestly, just not worth it. I say this after realizing how long I have been putting this off and how long I’ve been...well disobedient. I put off something that I shouldn’t have. And that led me to put off other things in my life as well.

Disobedience affects the time and space around that single disobedient action. It leaks into the other parts of your life. And pushes and shoves other things out of place until you’re left with a mess and the inability to discern the source. It led me to be a bad steward, and wreaked havoc on the things I needed to spend more time and prepare more for. I couldn’t prepare spectacularly because I was distracted spectacularly because I was procrastinating spectacularly because I was putting off something spectacularly because I didn’t want to be obedient.

I was disobedient. I was wrong. But joy comes in the morning.

Joy is a gift that God bestows upon us. Joy in the Lord, Joy in people, joy in everything! It’s a gift he bestowed upon me. It’s a gift that I realize is so hard to live without. It’s a gift that is mine to take only when given to me. And something worth praising Him of every day. I take a lot of what has been given to me for granted I think. lol, I know.

[applesonwang]

Occasionally our sense of inner peace and spiritual bliss fades. This may be because of some disobedience or because the Spirit departs from us for a time so that we recognize anew how empty and restless our souls are without God. In this way, God can reveal again to us our utter weakness and teach us that without spiritual life we are nothing but dry bones. God wants to protect us from the pride and complacency of thinking that we have achieved something out of our own human strength. God trains and educates us so that we turn ever anew to the Master and so find never-ending spiritual happiness.

Sundar Singh, from “Wisdom of the Sadhu”

nothing but dry bones, nothing but pride and complacency, nothing but emptiness without you.