In The Land Of Nod (Part 2)
I made my way down the main staircase of the apartment building, the elevator unfortunately non functioning with the power in the city cut off. That had happened surprisingly quickly, but then again, these were surprising times. There was a cluster of people gathered around in the lobby of the building, everyone going through the large pile of material goods that had been piled up in the center of the room on a group of tables that had been pushed together. After everyone had more or less pulled themselves together this morning, I had gotten them to grab everything of interest in the building and put it down here, so that we may sort through it and assess what we had available to us. There were a lot of clothes, of course, of all shapes and sizes, which were currently being picked through by about five people, Hagar among them. She looked up and smiled nervously at me when she noticed me descending the stairs, and I gave her a slight nod. Good, it looked like she was doing as I told her, and there had been no mention of my little outburst earlier. But the clothes were not what I was interested in at that exact moment.
Instead, I made my way over to the considerably smaller pile of food that had been haphazardly arranged on the tables. I grimaced as I pushed my way through the crowd of people who were digging through it, the smell causing my nose to wrinkle. Already some of the meats were starting to rot, with the fresh fruit and vegetables seemingly not far behind. That’s what happens when refrigeration goes out, I suppose. Perhaps I should have told them to leave the fresh food in the refrigerators, but it would not have lasted long anyway, and then it would have been a huge pain to collect it all up when it begain to decay. Yes, again I was sure I had made the right choice. Instead, I turned my attention to the canned food, of which there was an appreciable amount, but not nearly as much as I perhaps would have liked. This would last a group this size a week, maybe two if we rationed it, tops. We were going to have to go get more, just as I had said to Hagar earlier, and we would have to do it soon.
I clapped my hands together, causing the attention of the room to turn to me. “Alright everyone, first of all, I would just like to say, great job yesterday!” I paused for a moment, and a smattering of applause rang out from the gathering. I would have liked more, but it was a small crowd anyway, a lot of people were still in their rooms sleeping or recovering from their injuries.
“Now, I know we lost some people on our way here, but we have gained some too! Those that were already living here have graciously agreed to join our flock,” At this I nodded at a man who had indeed been doing that and was now sulking around the edges of the room. He nodded back sullenly, his eye black from the persuasion of yesterday. “And that is just the beginning! I know that as we continue forward, there will be more and more that rush to us in search of leadership and friends, and we will of course welcome them with open arms.” A larger amount of applause in response to that. It seemed people liked the idea of growing our numbers. I know I did. I smiled at the crowd, pleased, but then allowed my face to grow more serious.
“But there will be concessions that will have to be made as well. We are a strong people, and we are used to living through harsh conditions, but these will be like nothing we have ever seen before. Strange beasts roam the streets, but it is not them I truly fear. Nor is it other survivors of this madness, who yes, may attack us, but I know we are strong enough to hold off. No, what I fear is something that comes from within.” Murmurs circulated through the crowd. “What I fear is that there may be people who disagree with our way of living, people in this very building! I know that none of you fine folks would ever even think about hurting those that you care about, but I am ashamed to say that is not the case for everyone.”
Now there were no more murmurs, everyone’s attention was fixed solely on me. Perfect, I had their undivided attention. I even saw a few people descending the staircase from the other apartments, quickly joining the group, causing it to swell in size. I paused for a moment, allowing tension to build.
“Yes, I am deeply saddened to tell you all this, but just yesterday, on our way to this very sanctuary that I so carefully selected for us, I was attacked!” Shocked gasps, eyes darting to and fro in the crowd, looking at me, at each other. “Not by anyone here, of course, but by the man who verbally attacked me when I was informing you all of the plan yesterday! The bearded man!” This time there was a gasp from a particular woman in the crowd, one who I recognized as often hanging around the bearded man. Perhaps the two had been in a relationship?
“You can’t be talking about Jehoiada!” She said, looking at me with surprise and worry in her eyes. Was that his name? Context clues made me suppose so. I pointed at her, yelling out:
“Yes, it was him! Jehoiada! He made his move when the great three-legged beast attacked, attempted to take my life with his weapon while everyone was distracted by the creature! It was terrible, the way he waited until we were at our most vulnerable to strike! There is no doubt, no doubt at all in my mind that he was going to slay me so that he could then attempt to seize power in a bloody coup, perhaps with people he had already planted within our very ranks! You, woman, you say you knew him? What is your name?” The woman recoiled at my accusing finger, nervously glancing at the crowd that now surrounded her.
“M-me? My name is Jehosheba, bu-but you can’t honestly think that I would try to hurt anyone, I was just-”
“You say this, that you would never attempt to harm anyone, and yet you freely admit to consorting with the traitor Jehoiada, so what are we supposed to think? That you seriously had no idea that he was going to make an attempt on my life?” I glared at her, and she attempted to back away from me, but found herself surrounded by the crowd of people, unable to escape.
“Yo-you have the wrong idea. He was just a person I talked to sometimes, we-we were never close or anything. I was just su-surprised to hear that he would do something so heinous to you Ms. Athaliah, that’s all!” Jehosheba sputtered out, nervously smiling at me. I pretended to consider what she said. Obviously, I knew she had nothing to do with his attempt on my life, as there had been no attempt on my life, but I still needed a moment to think about how to proceed with this situation. Do I deny her, and have the congregation throw her out? It would put up a strong front, that was for certain, but on the other hand, I could be forgiving and let it go, and show the people that I was a kind ruler.
I pondered these two options for a moment. Throw her out, or allow her to stay? Strong, or kind? Finally, I made up my mind, and opened my mouth to tell the people, before I saw something that caused the words to dry up in my throat. There, standing in the doorway to one of the hallways branching out from the lobby, was the man in black, the one from my visions. The man who had stood at the top of the staircase. The man who had run by me in the hospital. The pale man, with the black coat and dark stubble and midnight hat, he was here, in this very room, watching me. His face was covered in shadow, and his clothes almost seemed to blend into the dark hallway that he stood in, but he was undeniably there. I blinked and rubbed my eyes, but still he stood there motionless, and even though I couldn’t make out his face from its place in the deep dark, I knew he was staring at me. The lights seemed to dim and warp, as though they were being pulled into him and being snuffed out simultaneously. I felt heat rush through my body, from the tips of my toes up to my face, hot flashes running up and down and up and down, hitting everything except the tips of my fingers, which were somehow ice cold. I felt as though I couldn’t move, rooted to that spot as I looked at the man, so much like the vision that had occurred just a few minutes earlier, but so much worse. The other me, it had been aggressive, coming after me, assaulting me. The man in black? He was waiting for me to come to him.
“Ms. Athaliah?” The voice seemed to come from far underwater with how distant it was. I barely acknowledge it, terrified to take my eyes off the man for the fear that he would disappear as quickly as he appeared. “Ms. Athaliah, what should we do with her? She was friends with the traitor, should we throw her out on the street?” I didn’t even know who was talking. I managed to move a single foot by summoning up every ounce of strength I had, taking a tiny, minuscule step towards the man. Wait. The thought came from deep inside me, so quiet I almost didn’t hear it. I need to say something first; I can’t just run off.
“Well? What do you want us to do?” The voice said again, and I finally managed to spit out a few words, not really caring what I was saying. The only thing I could do was keep my eyes on the strange, dark man.
“What?” I mumbled. “Um, she can stay I suppose. She didn’t know anything. It’s fine. Uhm, excuse me for a moment.” I heard a sigh of relief from the woman, whatever her name was as I pushed my way through the crowd, but I paid it no mind. I tried to rush over to that strange dark man, but the crowd was thick, and I was terrified of losing him. Who was he? Why did he keep appearing in my visions? I needed to talk to him, but at the same time, I was deeply afraid of him. There was a terrifying aura to him, and I knew in my heart that only bad things would come from chasing after him, but I needed too anyway. I needed to know.
I shoved my way through the crowd, but as I got closer he retreated into the darkness of the hallway, movements smooth as black velvet. “Wait.” I muttered, words falling out of my mouth as I tried to catch up. “Wait!” I said again, more force behind it this time. I finally broke through the circle of people, and made a break for the hallway, rushing into it just in time to see the man retreat around a corner, something silver flashing in his hands. What was it? What did he have to do with me? Why did he keep showing up? I needed to know, I needed to. I ran down the hall, turning the corner to see him standing in front of a door, his back to me. I could just make out the thing in his hand. It was a gun, shining bright silver despite the dark gloom that surrounded everything else. He opened the door with his other hand and stepped through into a strange, warm orange glow that came from within it, gently shutting it behind him. With the gun and its shining light gone, the hallway seemed to become even darker, if that was even possible, but I couldn’t, didn’t, let it dissuade me.
I ran to the door, stumbling and tripping, nearly slamming into the wall at one point, but it seemed to get only further away from me, as though the hallway was stretching with every step I took. Still, I pressed on, and somehow managed to make my way to the door, grabbing onto its handle as tightly as I could to make sure it didn’t get away. I yanked it open as fast as I could to prevent him from making distance, but when I did so I was instantly blasted with heat and flames from the newly opened doorway. I stumbled backwards into the opposite wall, fire quickly engulfing the entire opening as my face seemed to crack from the heat and my lips became dry and blistered in an instant.
It was an inferno; there was no way the man, any man, could have walked into that so casually and survived. “But” I thought to myself as I stared into the flames, the heat overwhelming every sense I had, “Maybe he was not a man. Maybe he is something else. I was unable to continue that line of thinking, however, as the flames seemed to swell even more, driving me to retreat back down the hall from which I had come. I shielded my face from the fire as I inched backwards on all fours, barely able to see anything through the smoke and the heat haze. But still, I couldn’t help but attempt to peer into that door, trying to get at least one more glimpse of the dark man who seemed to haunt every step I took.
And, yes, there he was. At least, I think it was him. The figure that stood within the flames, the man in my visions, peering out through the smoke with eyes that glimmered like stars in the night sky. He watched me, never taking that piercing gaze off of me, and I suddenly knew in my heart that no, this was no man. It was undeniable. Perhaps it had taken the form of a man, fooled me by making me think that the person I saw was a human being like me, but here, in this moment, with its strange and powerful eyes glittering at me like cut diamonds, I knew that this was something else. Something undeniable and unstoppable and most of all, angry. It was something stronger than the monsters, stronger then Mother, stronger than any weapon that man could ever even dream of making. It was the cosmos incarnate. And it was looking at me.
I whimpered and covered my face with my arms, attempting to get away from its gaze, flames and fire forgotten. But even through the flesh and bone of my arm, even with my eyes closed, I could still feel it watching me, could still see it watching me. I felt as though it had always been watching me. It felt as though it would always be watching me. I screamed, backing up even further, wrenching my arm away from my face and looking away, looking anywhere else to get away from its Judgment. My eyes happened to turn upwards towards the ceiling, and I was terrified to see that its eyes were there too. Or at least, one was. I could see, through the roof of the building, see through the many floors above me, even see through the millions of miles of space that separated us and yet seemed to not matter at all, that there was a single eye of the Thing That Was Not A Man watching me. Only it was not an eye. It was a star.
My eyes snapped open to an empty hallway, with not a single doorway or judging eye in sight. It was just me, a flickering electric light, and my own labored breathing to fill the space. I flung my gaze back and forth, but there was nothing to see. It was, for all intents and purposes, a completely normal apartment hallway. But how could I be sure that this was real, and not yet another vision? I snapped my hand to my mouth, and before even thinking about it, bit down on it, hard. The pain shot through my arm into my body, screaming at me to stop, but I didn’t, instead pressing down even harder until the metallic smell and taste of blood flooded my senses. Okay, this was real. Or, if it wasn’t, then I really didn’t know what to do about it. I thought about the fire, the way it had burned my face. I reached up and touched my lips to find them a little chapped, but otherwise fine. It was starting to get very difficult to tell reality from fiction.
I stood up, using the wall behind me for support. I had to get back to the group. They were probably wondering where I was. I needed to think of a reason for why I had run off like that. I began to walk back the way I had come, slowly at first as to not stumble, but then gradually moving back up to a normal pace as I re-found my footing. I glanced back at the doorway, with not a single burn mark or scratch on it. I looked at the ceiling, which was in no way transparent. I looked at my hand, blood still trickling down it.
I’m fine. This was fine. I mean, it was a little unusual, sure, but it really wasn’t anything to be worried about. This was just another vision, just something for me to unpack and understand. I slapped my hand onto the hard drywood wall next to me for no particular reason, just to do it. I slapped it again. And again. Harder and harder, until my palm stung and my arm hurt from swinging it so violently. I felt the need to scream, but I didn’t, because that would attract unwanted attention, and I really didn’t know how I would explain it to anyone who came running. Instead, I just breathed deeply, which was really just as good if you don’t think about it.
I was important. I was powerful. I was selected to receive these visions, because I was special. I thought about those shining eyes, and their judgment. They didn’t matter. I thought about the burning room. That didn’t matter. I thought about the fingers that squirmed under the duct tape on my side. That didn’t matter either. All that mattered was the here and now. I just needed to keep going.
I know that I am very important, and obviously I am up to that level of responsibility, but I will say this: I sometimes wish I had someone to talk to about this. Not Hagar, obviously, not anyone in the flock, but someone on equal footing with me. Someone who was as special and important as me. The woman under the tree suddenly popped into my head, quite unexpectedly.
Of course! Mother! Well, she wasn’t actually my literal mother, obviously, but for whatever reason, I had begun to think of her that way recently. Perhaps it was as simple as I looked to her for answers when I didn’t know what else to do. She did tend to act as a guiding force, always there for me, always helping me figure out what my next step should be. Her methods were a little vague, but that was alright, I figured them out. Like how I figured out what to do with the bearded man, the one who thought that he could take my place as leader away from me. Even now, her advice to get rid of him (represented by the squashing of the bug) was still paying dividends, helping to draw the flock closer together but making them fearful of an outsider trying to tear them apart. Nothing brings people together like an outside enemy!
But more than that, I just felt…warm when I was with her. Not literally around her, of course, I had only ever seen her through the strange visions, but almost all of the other ones were painful or frightening. I thought of the very first, being trapped in the trenches of a war and being hunted, or the one of being consumed in a basement, and especially this one, this terrible one of fire and stars, and I shuddered at them, even in hindsight. But hers were always warming and comforting, like a pleasant day at the beach, or curling up by a nice fire with a good book. Or at least, I assume it’s like those things. I have never done either.
I wish I could go to her, see her, talk to her, ask her questions, get comforted by her when I was frightened. Like now. I was so scared, so confused. But alas, I was on my own. But that was okay. I could handle myself, and whatever was thrown at me. Even if I didn’t have Mother to give me advice, I could figure it out by myself. I was strong like that. I was approaching the end of the hallway, which meant it was soon time for me to rejoin the flock. I would have tell them why I had suddenly left them, right in the middle of a big empowering speech. I would figure that out too.
