Dear You

Personal Journal ; Mostly TalkToSelf POEMS

[aprealvicencio]

It's my 3 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

[aprealvicencio]

She gave her self one last chance to breathe

When she thought that chapter of their story has finally closed and the pain's over and gone... here she goes again being too stubborn and stupid.

She cares for nothing and nothing else at all.

"I need to breathe, and I'm trying to be human again..just let me be - self.

Let me feel joy and fire and pain and weakness all at the same time. Just this once..please.

And when all else fails, Maybe I'll finally be able to sleep at night

And maybe tomorrow, tomorrow when I wake up, I'll finally be able to say I AM OKAY".

• Apreal2020❤️

[aprealvicencio]

WAKING UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Waking up in the middle of the night because I dreamt of you..again.

It's been happening for quite some time now.

I don't really remember a time you never appeared in my sleep.

Waking up in the middle of the night because I saw you in my dreams walking away from me, saying goodbye..again.

It's been happening for quite some time now.

I remember really well when you first appeared in my sleep.

Waking up in the middle of the night because I felt like crying again.

It's been happening almost every night now.

I don't remember when's the last time I had slept without tears in my eyes.

Waking up in the middle of the night because I'm missing you...again.

I've been dreaming of you beside me for quite some time now.

I remember your last embrace so well, it was like a farewell.

Waking up in the middle of the night because I dreamt of you..again.

This time it's different. This time I felt different.

I don't remember the last time I've had inner peace since "us" happened.

I don't want you anymore.

I never want to remember you at all.

It was all just a bad dream.

I am going back to sleep.

I hope not to dream of you tonight and for the rest of my life.

Apreal2020 ♥️

[aprealvicencio]

Kiss you goodnight ♥️

Your eyes are tired

Come, i know you've cried

Your mind's been preoccupied

Come, lay here by my side

Emotions are at peak

No one else to speak

Body's gone weak..

I missed you all week.

You were trying hard,

I know. Enough's been tried.

Come, close your eyes.

I'll kiss you goodnight, don't be surprised.

•Apreal2020♥️

[aprealvicencio]

Never Alone

(Baguio, August 2019)

I once had the courage to go solo

Until I saw you like an angel with a halo

Those eyes that pierced through my soul

You must be mine, that's my new goal

I never liked the cold breeze in late August

The love and memories we made in stone,

All gone as you became a ghost

A promise you broke that I WILL NEVER BE ALONE

As I walk down this narrow road,

I had hoped your hands were here to hold.

Your warmth I missed in this cold,

I had hoped we're together as I grow old.

*Apreal2020♥️

[aprealvicencio]

I BEG YOU MY LOVE, REMIND ME AGAIN WHY

It's not going to be easy

Definitely, I'll be thinking of you

Hoping that in every uncertainty...

You still believe all that I said were true

With you I have found a santuary

& each day goes by with such clarity

never a dull moment as long as I'm with you.

I just wish I never have said that we are through

at night you're all I dream about

Your name is what I want to shout

Please believe me, never a doubt

I know my tears will never ran out

But I beg you, my love...

Remind me again why this didn't work out

* Apreal2020❤️

[aprealvicencio]

Do you still cry?

I still do. A lot.

[aprealvicencio]

Nightmare a.k.a LIFE

I was wondering how long have I been in this bad dream because It seems to be on loop, & I think I'm stuck to this whirlwind fantasy called LIFE.

Have you ever had a dream that put you in a foul mood the whole day & It made a huge impact on you that you started to google what it literally means and why it has affected you that way. You begin to point out areas of your life that may have something to do with that dream but ended up getting more frustrated because it didn't make any sense?

Or you had a dream about someone, in fact nothing bad happened in there, but you considered it a nightmare because that specific someone was just there, living in your fantasy world..

Or you ever had a dream so wonderful you never really want it to end because when you wake up, you know you must go back to your own world where a real life nightmare exists.

The recent happening in the world has made most of us to wake up practically without a purpose. Our daily routine since we understood life on earth has been put to a stop and it's maddening. We are left with nothing else to do but to ponder things we ought to be doing or should have done before the shit hit the fan. Imagine the world right now where a single touch could actually kill you. Gone are the days of unlimited hugging, kissing, and most of all - lip reading.

However, no one is experiencing this journey alone. We are all together in this Nightmare a.k.a LIFE. We can either surrender to the monsters living in our world and let it consume the best of us or be grateful for the surprises that life is throwing at us and push our way through one more bad dream. Because like any other thing in this world, this "Nightmare" we are currently experiencing will meet its end.. soon.

I am hoping that we all get to wake up one day and continue living LIFE as we knew it.

One day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through and it will be someone else's survival guide.

[aprealvicencio]

What if you met you?

If given a chance to see yourself from another people's perspective... do you think you'll like yourself or not?

What if I was asked to meet myself, would I be happy to take myself on a date? Is she worth my time and attention?

It's interesting to hear other people's comments about us as a friend, a co-worker, a sister or a brother, as a member of your family, and even as a partner. We often seek for validity through people's outlook towards us.

One of the many qualities of a human is being sensitive. Sometimes we get upset when we hear them say awful things about us. We tend to be defensive of their ugly accusations because it's unacceptable. We most probably will ask someone else to confirm if what they said against us or about us were true. Yet we never get upset when we hear them say wonderful thing about us.

I think it's best to look at ourselves from time to time and check how are we as a human being. Have we been compassionate? Have we been loveable in the eyes of someone dear to us? How many times have we made somebody cry over something awful we said?

I used to imagine that when we are facing death, we get a glimpse of our life here on earth.

That before we die, there's a replay button and we must watch a montage of our life before God decides which part of heaven or hell we're supposed to go.

So what if you met you? How would you evaluate youself?

"Take your observations and turn them on yourself"

[aprealvicencio]

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT

I'm going to shed a few more tears for you.

I'm going to let myself feel this pain again for the last time, hoping that when the sun shines tomorrow all is going to be well enough for me to let this go and finally move forward.

I kept blaming you for all the sorrow you've put me through. It's only now that I realize it's unfair to you too.

It's not your fault if I let myself fall inlove with you so deeply I almost drown.

It's not your fault that after saying "No" to you so many times, you still pushed further to change my No into a "YES"

It's not your fault that we both let each other think we have each other's back for always.

It's not your fault that you felt the need to lie to me

It's not your fault that you felt the need to hide something from me

It's not your fault you kept secrets from me because you know I'll react negatively

It's not your fault that I don't trust you completely

It's not your fault if I question your real intention

It's not your fault that you felt the need to always defend your actions

It's not your fault you got so confuse, you hurt me unintentionally with your uncertainty

It's not your fault for making me feel I was not good enough for you

It's not your fault that after giving you my heart, I let you poke little pieces of shard glasses into it I'm still bleeding.

It's not your fault, because I let it all happen.

It's not your fault because none of this would have happened if I did not allow any of it to happen at all.

The blaming has to stop.

I am finally saying goodbye for all the lies I chose to believe, for all the lies I made you believe, for all the broken promises we made for each other and for all the happy memories together we thought would last forever.

Sometimes you heart needs more time to accept something that your mind already knows.

Paulo Coelho

[aprealvicencio]

WHAT IF?

And the What Ifs are the worst.

Susane Colasanti - Take Me There 📖

Two words - WHAT IF

Have you ever asked yourself this? I know you did.

Have you had a heart to heart conversation with yourself that lead you to doubt the decisions you've made for the past years? Ofcourse - I'm absolutely sure of it, because I've done it. Many times. Too many times I already lost count. Oops!

My life consists of a buttload of WHAT IFs and a great deal of REGRET comes after.

then SELF LOATHING and ANXIETY will definitely follow. Of course ANGER and HATRED must also be present to complete the PARTY.

I mean...who doesn't, right? We all have that.

I am not only talking about the major decisions you've made.

This can also apply to that little brownie you shouldn't be eating because you've eaten too much for today. And then regret it tomorrow because, you know?! The shirt you bought online won't fit.

Or to that Netflix movie or tv series you decided to watch and then regret watching them because it's too much for your personal taste. Time wasted. Gets?!

However, we are at point in our lives where thinking a lot is part of our daily routine.

& When we do nothing, our minds wander practically all over the place - including memories and long lost feelings we shouldn't even touch.

Our imaginations go beyond what is actually happening in real life Or what sould have been if only...if only. And that's exhausting!

There is always that "one thing" that will keep me awake at night thinking what could have been if only. I realize that I will forever wonder and it's not going to help me move forward.

I can only be happy and contented with everything right now and learn to move past that aching what if.

I've felt like this for quite a long time. I'm not going to hit you with boring stories about it. I just know that I am slowly recovering from this ugly thought - WHAT IF?! (It's an achievement! *taps my own shoulder*)

CRY. FORGIVE. LEARN. MOVE ON. LET YOUR TEARS WATER THE SEEDS OF YOUR FUTURE HAPPINESS.

This is my daily motivational quote for the day. And it is very timely.

Since I started to be real honest with my feelings, everything has changed. My views on various situations now, especially regarding my personal issues, is so much better I feel less regretful of my previous mistakes and my should-have-beens.

Remember, wherever and who we are right now, goes right back up to the choices we have made before.

I just hope one day, you find it in your heart to forgive yourself and let go of the things you are still clinging to that hurt you.

Do not focus on "What ifs", focus on "What is" - what is in front of you, what is still there with you and so many "what is" present to be grateful for. ♥️

You can't be overwhelmed by the what-ifs, or you'll miss out on the best part.

Rebekah Crane, The Upside of Falling Down

[aprealvicencio]

"A picture is worth a thousand words"

Every now and then, It's fun to look at some old photos and remember what was it like back then. You try to think of the people you were with at the time the photo was taken, & how it made you feel.

Memories, right? We often take photos with our loved ones to capture that moment's beauty. We want to immortalize and put a seal on it so it's never to be forgotten.

A beautiful reminder of something so wonderful.

But what if that something wonderful is gone forever?

It's amazing how that one single photo can hold so much power over you - you become nostalgic.

There are photographs that set off an emotion such as joy, sadness and often times - anger. There are stories in each photo that you can always cherish or DREAD for a lifetime.

Reminiscing the past through these images might open wounds you thought were already healed; painful memories you thought won't hurt you anymore; broken promises you thought you're over with - and those pictures are the sore reminder of these almost forgotten feelings. But that's pretty normal.

I personally look back at my old photos and remember the type of a person I was once when that photo was taken. Am I still the same person? Have I changed too much? Do I remain friends with the people with me then? Have they changed too?

Regardless, I think it's best to be grateful that once in our existence, we were able to experience something so wonderful with those people.

PICTURES - You can delete them or burn them or throw them all away. But you can never dismiss the reality that the stories behind these photos will forever be a part of who you are & who you will be.

What i like about photographs is that they capture a moment that’s gone forever, impossible to reproduce.

KarlLagerfeld

[aprealvicencio]

*2020*

(Photo from Pinterest)

Could this year get any more distressing?

Aside from the usual heartache and stressful events that we encounter as humans, more depressing episodes happen almost every day.

2020 came with a crashing wave of unhappy stories that are so dreading, this shit goes automatically in our NOT-SO-FAVORITE Part of our existence.

However, we are only halfway through the year to finish this upsetting phenomenon. It depends on how you actually see this - Glass Half Full or Glass Half empty.

You can either be emotional or depress about what's going on, or you practically take everything as a challenge. What type are you?

I don't know. We can never tell anyone who's suffering more than us not cry or sulk in pain. That's not ideal.

You can cry yourself to sleep, wake up then repeat. Or you can cry today, sleep and be better tomorrow. No one can tell you what to feel.

For all we know, everybody's entitled to be emotional and feel like a total wreckage because this is the only time you can ever be vulnerable. Nobody should judge anyone for feeling so down, or for being so pathetic and lost.

You are allowed to feel whatever you want.

You are allowed to speak your mind or be quiet about everything. No one should really be ashamed of being honest about how they feel.

I personally don't really know what to think or what to feel. Sometimes I'm so confuse, I always end up eating a lot or sleeping a lot. Both are helpful.

The year's not over yet. Believe that something good will come out of this mess. Maybe you feel less sad when you sleep tonight.

Who knows what tomorrow might bring.

May it be another surprising mess, Or a beautiful disaster.

"There's a light at the end of the tunnel",

Perhaps this is one hell of a train ride and we must endure a few more railroad bumps to see the end of it. *sigh* Hang in there buddy.

Would you be proud of youself when all this is over? You should be. 👊🏻

Maybe you have to know the darkness before you can appreciate the light.

Madeleine L'Engle

[aprealvicencio]

4TH ENTRY in 24HRS

Sometimes It's fun to just shut your mouth and put everything else into writing. Since almost everybody are caught up in their own personal dilemma, we choose not to bother other people. Or in my case, I just don't think they would understand, so I chose not to speak. May it be anything about mental or emotional health. I'll do it alone. By myself.

It helps to just write all the things that bother you on a paper (& thanks to our modern technologies, we most probably will type it on our cellphone and save it- very convenient, right? Write!!)

For me, I consider it my own version of therapy.

I noticed that most of my writings happened whenever I am at my most emotional state. In short, I write whenever I am SAD. 😳 I write because there's no one to talk to.

I write because I am alone.

But now I write freely. I write my feelings down because it helps me understand the situation better. I write because I want to express how I feel. I write because sometimes I can't speak my mind. I write because I have something important on my mind to immortalize, I want to write everything down because I know how my brain works, And I realize I have so many wonderful ideas to save. So many powerful words to say - not only for myself to read after, but to anyone who may be having the same thoughts as mine.

I write to inspire. And I hope someday, I can inspire myself more.

I write because I want my counterpart in another Universe to read how I have been. Maybe one day, (I wish) she'll be able to read it and tell herself how wonderful it is to be me - this ME-version is doing better just like her. ♥️

"It's beautiful to be alone. To be alone does not mean to be lonely. It means the mind is not influenced and contaminated by society."

Jiddu Krishnamurti

[aprealvicencio]

ANONG KWENTONG BAGUIO MO?

*edited

I saw this on twitter and it made me want to share a few things about me & BAGUIO!

Una sa lahat, hindi ako fan ng malamig na lugar.

Pero Baguio yata ang lamig na uulit ulitin ko, kahit sa panaginip.

WARNING : Short LOVE STORY ahead. Read at your own risk!

Once upon a time, a guy so dear to me made me fall in love with Baguio to the deepest level of my well being.

It's just so amazing that thinking about it now & all that happened there (with him) would make me smile and ache at the same time.

He asked me if I want to go to Baguio that night and stay there for the weekend. Of course I said YES.

Baguio was his territory, he practically grew up there from being a young boy to the man that he is now. I guess half of his unforgettable experiences were made in Baguio and he must have had the best years of his life staying there.

Me? I am a stranger to that place. I know nothing about it except that it's cold and that we can buy fresh strawberries almost anywhere there.

While we were there, It was so evident that he loves me and that he cares for me. The feeling was mutual, of course.

I was inlove with this guy for a long time.. & After our stay in Baguio, I saw him in another perspective. I saw how caring and loving he truly is.

I fell inlove even more. But I got scared. Really scared. What I've felt for him that time was so overwhelming, I didn't know what to do.

I was afraid of how much I love this person. And so I became the Princess of Cowardice.

How I wish I was strong enough to face THAT fear and took a leap of faith.

Perhaps we'll both live happily ever after.

THE END.

I've been to Baguio a few times, but with him was my favorite. And if anyone asks me -

Would I do it again? The answer is Yes. I'll make the world stop...for just a few days, and repeat Baguio days with him all over again.

But after reliving those moments again for the last time...

⬇️⬇️⬇️

PLEASE HELP ME FORGET EVERYTHING

Erase it all from my mind, all those bitter sweet memories that might remind me of him. Delete it - as if it didn't happen at all.

[aprealvicencio]

Another Day. Another Opportunity.

Some might say "Another day, another drama.."

I don't disagree. I just see it differently.

People nowadays are getting more and more pessimistic given with how the world works today.

And it's sad.

You wake up each day hoping that the majority of your day will come by as planned. Nope. Let me drop a needle on your thought bubble right away.

I think it's best to anticipate that every waking day of your dramatic life will definitely, if not always, not work out the way you expect it to.

Shit happens. And it's how you react on certain scenarios that makes those ugly events worthwhile even though that sometimes, you wanted to skip the worst part of your day because , let's all admit it, IT.DOES.NOT.FEEL.GOOD!

Often times, our emotions get the best of our judgement and methods, perhaps it's one of the reasons why we most certainly screw up in our daily decisions.

But then, who am I to tell you how you feel and what to feel? However, if you're feeling down, I just want you to know that right at this very moment, you are not alone. Majority of the population in Planet Earth feels almost exactly the same as you.

Even so, kindly get up on your bed, wash your face. And remember, You're better than this. You have today, and that's all that matters now. Unlike others, You are given another chance to live your life. Do better. Be better. Smile. Life is not a race, move at your own pace. One step at a time.

•Soon, when all is well, you're going to look back on this period of your life and be glad that you never gave up.

- #BrittanyBurgunder

[aprealvicencio]

Dear Future Self

4 months after COVID19 PANDEMIC hit the majority of the WORLD

Im currently reading reports about Covid-19 Pandemic scenarios and MECQ, GCQ, ECQ and what not. (Look for its meaning on google, it does have a lot of meaning these days)

I've been thinking on what to accomplish and what to contribute despite the fact that we're all requested to stay home and stay healthy.

Current state right now?

Im bored to death.

In a good sister relationship with Ara Mae

Trying to wake up with a purpose tho. But Im thankful after months of struggling with how this Pandemic change our lives, my family's still healthy.

Currently single - yes? But it's complicated. As in.

I have cried a lot these days, most especially at night when no one is awake to see or hear me cry.

I cry because Im sad and confuse and I feel so lost.

I miss a lot of things. Perhaps this is the Universe way of saying "Damn girl, you took for granted most of the things that matter, such as time and opportunities".

It's been a while since most of us has done what was usual.

I am worried. Worried about various things.

Work, financial stability, my health, my mental health. My parents' health. Our house. Our car. Bills to pay. My heart.

Dear future self, I am writing this letter for you to read and realize that you are ALIVE and that you've come so far.

My future self, I hope one day you'll be free of these worries that keep you awake at night.

I hope one day, all these are gone and that you are in a much better emotional state where you are right now.

My future self, I hope one day you'll let go of your fears.

My future self, I hope one day you still cry, but not because you're sad and confuse and feeling lost, I hope you cry a lot..with a smile on your face, with the people you most care about.

My future self, I hope one day you wake up with a purpose and that you're much in a hurry because you are to fulfill those purposes.

My future self, I really hope one day you are free of worry and anxiety that you are not good enough for anyone and all that you do for yourself days or weeks from now will always be filled with joy and laughter. And all those uncertainties will make you push yourself to face your fears and in the years that follow, regret will no longer be in your vocabulary.

My future self, I hope one day you'll be able to read this and tell youself these words..

Apreal, you made it. And you are fucking lucky and happy!

Today is July20, 2025

And I wrote this 5 years ago...July20,2020

PS : You did good today. ♥️