Okay who is this fucker and what did he do?
So you know when you’re out walking in the street and all of a sudden you can just tell that you’ve stepped in chewing gum, because your shoe feels oddly sticky, but there’s nowhere for you to wipe the gum off, so you have to wait until you get home and then you pull off your shoe and there’s just this huge, amorphous blob of shit-and-saliva coated gum, and it clings to all the grooves in the tread of your shoe and it takes half a roll of toilet paper to get it off, and you just wish you were never born? That’s Dominic Cummings.
To sum up why I want him to fuck himself with something hard and sandpapery:
He was one of the devious, morally bankrupt fuckstains who was responsible for the Vote Leave campaign in 2015-16, which (unfortunately) successfully campaigned for Britain to leave the EU, and was later found to have broken electoral law by spending more than its campaign budget and funnelling it through allied campaigns. It was also fined for improperly collecting people’s phone numbers and spamming them with political texts. He was later found to be in contempt of Parliament for refusing to take part in an investigation about whether the campaign had relied on fake news during the referendum. He was also later revealed to be a huge hyposhit, which is a portmanteau I just coined to describe a hypocrite who is also a complete unremovable shitstain, when it was reported that he’d taken over €200k of EU subsidies to manage his land.
He was the Special Advisor to Michael Gove before this, a man who consists of approximately 98% tapioca and 2% spine. When he was the Secretary for Education and Cummings was his advisor, Gove completely decimated England’s education system and made working conditions practically untenable for teachers. Cummings’ complete lack of moral fabric was pretty famous within his own party, with even Mr Fuckthepoor himself, David Cameron, referring to him as a ’career psychopath’. When another psychopath is calling you a psychopath and doesn’t mean it as a compliment, you’re probably a bit of a shit.
In July 2019, when sentient gargoyle wrapped in ham Boris Johnson became Prime Minister, he made Dominic Cummings his Senior Advisor. It soon became pretty apparent that he was untouchable in this role after he fired (read: had her frogmarched out of Parliament by literal armed police) Sonia Khan, an aide to Sajid Javid, without asking Sajid Javid’s permission, something he wasn’t actually allowed to do, and then, instead of giving him a thorough telling off for overstepping, Boris Johnson gave him retroactive powers to fire anyone he wanted. This pattern of Cummings blatantly acting outside of his sphere of responsibility and indeed permission and then being backed up by the Prime Minister came to a big ol’ motherfucking head this week WHEN
Dominic Cummings, a man who thinks a ‘soul’ is just a different way to spell the bottom part of a foot, broke the lockdown rules of the UK by driving his wife, who was symptomatic with COVID-19, and child 260 miles from London to Durham. Despite the official line being that anyone with symptoms was to quarantine themselves, Cummings decided to drive halfway up the fucking country for ‘childcare reasons’, obviously stopping at services along the way, because apparently Typhoid Mary is one of his idols, I guess. This is blatantly a fireable offence, not least because another minister resigned for breaking lockdown rules recently, which was met with stern grumbles of ‘yeah, you NEED to resign, you terrible ingrate’ from just about every Tory minister. However, instead of pressuring Cummings to resign or punting him into the sun, Johnson defended him, saying he had ‘followed his fatherly instincts’ (a hilarious defence, seeing as Johnson’s own fatherly compass is pretty fucking broken) and acted with ‘integrity’. Some fellow MPs, notably Health Secretary Matt Hancock, who’d chided Ferguson for breaking lockdown rules, defended Cummings on Twitter, trotting out lines about what a great father he was and how people are just being MEAN to a WORKING FATHER, and it became pretty apparent that Cummings was not going to face any sort of reprimand at all.
Shit, my friends, hit the proverbial goddamn fan. People rightly pointed out that thousands of people across the country had been unable to follow their ‘fatherly instincts’ because they’d chosen to follow the, uh, actual law instead (tw for death of a child in that link.) There is some evidence that he may have travelled to grieve his dead uncle with his family, which, while VERY SAD, is a total slap in the face to people who have been unable to grieve their dead relatives with their family because they’ve followed restrictions (in the UK, funerals are limited to very few attendees, wakes are banned, burials can’t be attended, and you can’t visit dying people in the hospital.) Thousands of people have missed the deaths of their loved ones, or been a single parent and had to care for a child while symptomatic, or not seen their children whilst ill, or had to grieve a death alone. Essentially, by defending and exonerating Cummings, the government has told these people ‘we know we said you couldn’t hold your dying mother’s hand / care for your sick child / visit your ill relatives / grieve as a family, but… turns out you could’ve, lol!’
Now, there are calls from some rare Tories who evolved to have a spine for Cummings to be fired, the whole country is basically saying ‘well, if he can do it, then why can’t I?’ and threatening to break lockdown, and we’re all wondering exactly what kind of saucy photos Cummings clearly has of Boris Johnson for him to be so ridiculously untouchable. You could tip a whole (EU subsidised) farm’s worth of manure on Cummings and none of it would stick, except this manure also carries a deadly virus. It’s super.
So, tl;dr, he’s Typhoid Mary who knows all of Boris Johnson’s darkest secrets and isn’t afraid to use them.
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