the aquarium

blogs for venting, mature posts, and general things we don't want on our main blog

[aquariumpersonal]

I'm just kind of awful...can't do anything for my man I deserve death

[roadhogsbigbelly]

[aquariumpersonal]

Uncontrollable crying over jayvik because these shrooms got me feeling a type of way (gay and sad)

[aquariumpersonal]

Why couldn't he have died so I could have peace of mind?

[aquariumpersonal]

I miss being a boy. People used to see me that way. I miss my short hair and binding all the time and being called 'dude' by my friends. I miss when me being in a relationship made it gay. I miss the word boyfriend. I hate that I don't feel that way all the time anymore. I wish I was that boy again.

[aquariumpersonal]

I've been feeling strange recently, not like...that weird I guess. But I usually don't like our partners, at least not in a way that isn't me echoing the hosts feelings. But with him I feel like I've got a crush, butterflies and everything. I think about him when i...like as myself, not the body, but me. It's very...weird.

[aquariumpersonal]

I'm so frustrated with myself. I'm such a nonfunctional mess, I lose everything and I can't keep up with fucking basic things, like brushing my teeth or keeping my room clean. I'm do lazy and half my headmates are just as bad if not worse. We can't keep our life on track for shit. I don't want to get a house with my partners and have them see how awful I am...I feel bad as is, I don't want to be a burden. I just hate myself so much.

[aquariumpersonal]

I'm the worst version of me. I'm angry, I'm mean, I'm so fucking weak. I'm a protector who only knows how to hurt, and a persecutor that feels so much regret. I'm the worst person I know. And yet I can't hurt myself without hurting everyone else. If I had my own body I'd be dead by now. I shouldn't be here. I'm a monster, it's what I was created to be. It's all I am.

[aquariumpersonal]

I'm texting a guy I don't know goodnight

The boy I loved I now hate with a resentment that I wasn't prepared to feel

I don't know how to feel

[aquariumpersonal]

My favorite thing ever is when everyone disregards my needs because who gives a fuck how I feel, I don't know how to communicate my needs so therefore they aren't real, right? It doesn't matter how visibly upset I am, because I can't say I'm upset, so I'm fucking fine. Right? Is that how things are? Who fucking cares about how I feel ever, no one ever does, I only hang around the most selfish people imaginable, so it's my own damn fault. I wish I could do something selfish for once in my life, but I don't even know how to say the word no.

[aquariumpersonal]

It's like we forgot AJ is a persecutor...why the fuck is she allowed to front so much again? Corci is so upset, I can feel it even though he isn't near front. I feel like he's trying to do something insys, damage control ig. I doubt she'll be allowed nearly as much front time now. We fucked up bad, she's not any better, if anything she's worse now. Is she trying to fuck up our life? Stupid bitch.

[aquariumpersonal]

Coming to terms with the fact that I'm hypersexual is really fucking with me. I feel gross, I feel like a pervert, and I know it's my reaction to trauma, and I can get better, but it's upsetting me a lot. I don't want to be this way, like him. I don't want to be sick.

[aquariumpersonal]

Mental health slowly getting worse and worse...lovely /sar

Nothing in life has changed either, it's just been a sudden spike in mental health symptoms. We were doing so good for a while and now the past couple weeks things have just felt wrong. We've gotten paranoid again and we're struggling to sleep and eat. Since nothing seems to be triggering it either I feel Ike I can't do anything to fix it.

I know we're probably coming off as being sulky in person and I don't want to be seen as being negative or whiny. I don't like asking for help either, especially when its over nothing.