#-nyne

[bubblyaquarium]

Been in a depressive episode and have been isolating myself for the past couple months and it's gotten so bad my brain is now shoving the social alters to front 💀 Piper and now Siren are just kind of taking over ig

[bubblyaquarium]

Am I bisexual or am I mixing up feelings with my system

Am I genderfluid or am I mixing up feelings with my system

[bubblyaquarium]

Miss being openly queer and just like going out and doing things. We look like a cis girl right now and we spend most of our time at home (which to be fair, we live somewhere we're comfortable now). I kind of miss biking around town all afternoon and reading tarot at the park and staying up late to chat with my old friend group. I miss changing my hair every few weeks and collecting pride pins and the giddy feeling of someone calling me "sir" in public. I always thought that after I went back to working just the one job I'd be able to go back to that, but I just stay home and work. I don't see my friends often, and I don't leave the house unless I'm running errands. I feel stuck, and so fucking lonely.

[bubblyaquarium]

Trying to get tickets for worlds and Eve is hovering near front all anxiously observing lmao like girl calm down /lh

[bubblyaquarium]

Something very funny about my boyfriend and I watching a fanservice-y anime where he unironically enjoys it for the plot meanwhile I'm here for the tits

[bubblyaquarium]

I made the realization I can pickle things and now I'm going feral

[bubblyaquarium]

Didn't really notice the constant feeling of guilt / need to defend my actions until I read it was a symptom of c-ptsd and now it's bothering me because it really is constant.

Every little thing I have an excuse for just in case. I have to have things at work and at my house set up a specific way or I get panicky at the thought of someone being mad at me. I can't be out late or on my phone too much without feeling bad about it. I overthink every conversation I have. I get sick to my stomach if I even think someone didn't like something I did. I'm literally on edge 24/7 and feel the need to lie about the dumbest smallest things.

I don't really know where to start when it comes to working on that, but at least I'm aware of it now, so that's something.

[bubblyaquarium]

It's very sad our social media of choice is tumblr because none of our friends (besides the two we convinced to get it lol) or our partner have it so it's like. Yes, we're very open about our system and are comfortable posting as ourselves!

...but only on an app that no one we know irl will see.

We try to on discord but it's hard when it's just texting, though that has been a nice change for us and it's definitely helping us feel safer being perceived.

I'm hoping we can find a way to talk about ourselves more without it seeming conceited 😅 it's very awkward to infodump when we aren't directly asked first.