(by choibinuu)
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@arabellaandthenargles
(by choibinuu)
i love when words fit right. seize was always supposed to be that word, and so was jester. tuesday isn't quite right but thursday should be thursday, that's a good word for it. daisy has the perfect shape to it, almost like you're laughing when you say it; and tulip is correct most of the time. while keynote is fun to say, it's super wrong - i think they have to change the label for that one. but fox is spot-on.
most words are just, like, good enough, even if what they are describing is lovely. the night sky is a fine term for it but it isn't perfect the way november is the correct term for that month.
it's not just in english because in spanish the phrase eso si que es is correct, it should be that. sometimes other languages are also better than the english words, like how blue is sloped too far downwards but azul is perfect and hangs in the air like glitter. while butterfly is sweet, i think probably papillion is more correct, although for some butterflies féileacán is much better. year is fine but bliain is better. sometimes multiple languages got it right though, like how jueves and Πέμπτη are also the right names for thursday. maybe we as a species are just really good at naming thursdays.
and if we were really bored and had a moment and a picnic to split we could all sit down for a moment and sort out all the words that exist and find all the perfect words in every language. i would show you that while i like the word tree (it makes you smile to say it), i think arbor is correct. you could teach me from your language what words fit the right way, and that would be very exciting (exciting is not correct, it's just fine).
i think probably this is what was happening at the tower of babel, before the languages all got shifted across the world and smudged by the hand of god. by the way, hand isn't quite right, but i do like that the word god is only 3 letters, and that it is shaped like it is reflecting into itself, and that it kind of makes your mouth move into an echoing chapel when you cluck it. but the word god could also fit really well with a coathanger, and i can't explain that. i think donut has (weirdly) the same shape as a toothbrush, but we really got bagel right and i am really grateful for that.
grateful is close, but not like thunder. hopefully one day i am going to figure out how to shape the way i love my friends into a little ceramic (ceramic is very good, almost perfect) pot and when they hold it they can feel the weight of my care for them. they can put a plant in there. maybe a daisy.
Grateful makes sense. A grate is something you put over a gap to stop things from falling. It is a sense of trying to hold something as it would ordinarily fall.
I think of this a lot with the names of animals. Frog is perfect, as is cheetah and grackle. Some animals are perfectly right only in the plural—wolves and mice for instance. The sharp surliness of wasp, the mellow and open-ended fuzziness of bee, and who could deny the intrinsic bugness of bug?
Fish is right when you see one cold and dead on your plate or next to a tidepool, but has nothing to say for the animals glinting and alive. Skunk is just right. Hawk is close enough, but eagle is missing something. Those things certainly are chickens, but pigeons aren't that at all. We should call them doves again. I can't disagree with quail, pheasant or duck, and plover is absolutely splendid.
With plants sometimes they do not have a real name to themselves, just a name that compares it to something else. Sometimes the scientific name feels like the true name, and sometimes I can't find any true name at all.
Tulip poplar is neither a tulip nor a poplar, but Liriodendron tulipifera seems to capture it. American sycamore's name isn't sycamore, but Platanus occidentalis is just as blatantly wrong.
Sometimes I think there should be different words for a tree and the wood that comes from it, like we have different words for cattle and beef, or pigs and pork.
The correct name for Bradford pears is Callery pear, but I can't stop calling them Bradford pears, because Bradford is much closer to the tree itself than Callery.
I like the word Kudzu. I did a univocal poem in my poetry class, which is one where you use only one vowel throughout the whole poem. It became a project that stretched well beyond the bounds of the class; I compiled huge lists of words based on the vowels they included. Do you know how few multi-syllabic words there are in English that have U as their only vowel? Murmur, susurrus, upchuck, humus, mucus, unfurl, fungus, upthrust, uncut, sunburn, cumulus, tumult, unjust, usurp, suburb, lustful, unhurt, fulcrum, dumbstruck, sulfur. My list doesn't have kudzu yet. I didn't think enough about plants back then.
Though a mighty army surrounds me, my heart will not be afraid. Even if I am attacked, I will remain confident. Psalms 27:3 NLT
I feel kind of proud of myself lately. Even when I'm feeling like everything's going crazy again and the urge to run away felt strong again, I just ran to You! You've given me undeniable confidence that there is no problem as big as YOU! The enemy cowers just by Your presence and I am proud to walk confidently with You.
Even when things seem out of sorts, I know they fall into place in Your hands. You've already won the battle for me, why should I be afraid?
I'm so ready for this season, Lord. Unti unti ko nang naipapanalo yung tug of war.
Things that take time & many tries to get right:
learning to be a good friend/partner
healing from depression, failures or heartbreak
becoming amazing at an art or skill
overcoming anxiety, insecurities and low body image
overcoming the need to isolate yourself
changing self-hating thoughts to kinder ones
making a real connection with someone
overcoming self-defeating and self-sabotaging thoughts
learning how to study effectively
finding a sense of stability and calmness at your core
quitting habits or addictions
leaving people and behaviours that turn you into the worst version of yourself
getting used to healthier coping mechanisms & mindsets that feel fake
treating yourself like you truly care about yourself
becoming the person you always wanted to be
“When he says He doesn’t love you anymore, Roll your shoulders back And look him in the eye Even when it feels like your ribs Are breaking inward, like spider legs. When he digs up old aches That he swore he forgave you for, Smile And ask him why he didn’t leave you sooner. Ignore the way the words feel like sandpaper Running all the way up your throat to your mouth. When he blames you For mistakes that wear his face, Do not scream. Do not cry. Tell him that there are boys Who would be proud to say they’d loved you. Tell him that in two years You won’t even remember his name And don’t let him see the way you can taste your own lie. When he leaves Ignore the howling in your blood And do not get up after him. Not even to lock the door. Do not, do not Do not. Smell his shirts when you box them up To give them back. Not one. Swear off dating when you realize You’re chasing ghosts that wear his smile. It’s okay to cry over him. It’s even okay to forgive him. But do not go back to him. If he did not know how to love you the first time, He won’t know how to do it the next.”
—
How To Pretend It Doesn’t Hurt, by Ashe Vernon (via 1811181)
wow
(via luqsh)
— I remember being suffocated by a love that I thought was real,
but it made me feel like I am just someone who was easy to get and usable,
as someone made me feel that the love they offer was genuine,
but in reality, it was all deceptive, as the intentions were kept beneath a mask,
pretending to be loving and kind, but it was actually manipulative and rude,
how ironic that I did let my guard down, allowing them to break me,
break me from the insides, and it took quite a long time,
to recover from that kind of relationship, kind of love,
and until now, I am still on the process of healing my wounds,
does time heal all wounds? not exactly the way it should be,
but accepting the circumstances, do heal the wounds,
until such time that I am fully ready, to try once again.
• Wounds and Healing •
“All I wanted was to live a life where I could be me, and be okay with that. I had no need for material possessions, money or even close friends with me on my journey. I never understood people very well anyway, and they never seemed to understand me very well either. All I wanted was my art and the chance to be the creator of my own world, my own reality. I wanted the open road and new beginnings every day.” ―Charlotte Eriksson,Empty Roads & Broken Bottles; in search for The Great Perhaps
everything suddenly hurts again. that gaping hole is back and my tears are scorching again. my mind is in a deep well, my heart is in a pit. why am i feeling this again? i don't want to hurt again. please. i don't want to feel unwanted again.
I admit, that hurts. I was somehow onto the notion that things would eventually turn around. But that was selfish. It was selfish to believe that we can still go back like before with you being okay with all these. Of course, it wouldn't be that easy. I just hope that with this, you can be more healed and renewed. I know you've been hurt and I pray God heals that hurt. I'm sorry. I really am.
Dear God,
For the first time since April 6, I’ll be the only one working tomorrow at the warehouse. I have been so calm somehow and have been able to stay collected since the beginning as whenever the going gets rough, my boss would automatically play worship songs so we can feel that you are there helping us get things done. Lord, I am a lone working person tomorrow, but just as You have fed thousands with just five loaves of bread and two fish, may the work of one be as fruitful as the work of three tomorrow. I am really not in the state of stability when I can take in irate feedbacks as they really send me at my lowest. So tomorrow, may Your spirit lead me to a path of productivity where I would be able to serve Your people still with a smile on my face and in my heart. God, I am not strong enough but I know You have plans to lead me to success. Bless me with your holy blood and may You keep me sane and safe from harm and from the virus. I put my Trust in You.
you’re lucky enough to meet her in her peace; lucky enough to not see her in her chaos. you’re lucky enough to only experience the small tremors. oh, yes. those are just wee bit of what is happening inside her. the whole earthquake that shakes her mind; a catastrophe. you’re lucky enough to only experience the drizzle and a little bit of wind; those only that could shake her and sway her.
i wonder. i wonder if you’ll ever get through if you met her back when she was in deep blue, getting sucked constantly by a whirlpool of emotions. getting drowned by the whole barrage of feelings she never wanted.
but she needs not any help. she is her own knight. no dragons or season can trap her in what seems like a forever night. she’ll be bruised and scathed she’s the only person she needed. She’s her own light. She’ll get through these on her own, with just her might.
Do one thing that scares you.
I have finally mustered up the courage to book a dance class I’ve always wanted to attend. I have been meaning to attend Ate Jawi’s class since she started her KPOP series but I never had the confidence to dance with strangers. I have only been confident dancing with TDT and it really kinda freaks me out just imagining tomorrow’s class. But hey, I’m kinda confident because it’s Twice. I think I would’ve never signed up if it was a different class. I just know that I can do this, for Nayeon, for Twice. Also, in honor of Mina’s comeback after her mental health rest. Ahhhh. I really can’t wait for tomorrow.
I can’t wait to finally, slowly, come out of my shell. Who knows? I might book more classes other than KPop especially now that TADS Summer Dance Camp is about to start again.
I really, really, REAAAALLLY miss dancing. This might be a way for me to come back to the thing I love the most. I can’t wait to step on the dance floor again tomorrow.
Wish me luck!
Okay, hear me out. I have always been in love with my province that I want every person that I love to witness the beauty of our island. That’s why when Ate Iah sparked interest in going there, I got excited and really, really, reaaaaally looked forward to having them meet my family. But we all got lazy so it never pushed through. Today, I just saw her best friend post that they are in fact in MDQ. Kinda hurts seeing them there without me. I would’ve loved having them in our house, with my family spoiling them with every food they can cook. Kaso as I said, I want every person that I love to see MDQ. I mean, I still love Ate Iah and she’ll always be a sister to me, but we can only give enough to people who don’t love us anymore. Wala lang. I don’t even know bakit ako nakakaramdam ng tampo? Siguro gusto ko na lang din kasi makauwi. 2019 was the year since 2013 na di ako nakauwi. Gusto ko na magpahangin sa kubo and go stroll sa tabing dagat. I miss home. I miss my titas. I miss my cousins. I miss the fresh air. Hopefully, by summer, makauwi na talaga ako. I’ll bring Karl with me para maexpi na niya ang hospitaliity ng Mariposque-Cruz fam. I’m excited for him to see my first love: Marinduque. I really hope he can come. My cousins want to meet him na. It’s actually kinda nerve-wracking to have them meet someone new. They are a little hard to please. But mommy and sibs warmed up to him so easily so I’m praying my dad’s side of the family does as well. Pero medyo nagttampo talaga ako na hindi ako kasama sa Marinduque. Ewan kung tampo... or inggit lang talaga.
1. Date a boy who makes you happy, but marry him only if he makes you laugh deep-belly rumbles that hurt your ribs as they expand outwards. Date him when he sees that you’re hurting and he gives you a moment to feel that pain like a handprint spreading across your consciousness, marry him only if he can make you smile even while you’re gross sobbing. The world is not a kind place. You will feel a lot of pain. Make sure you are with someone who makes it all bearable. Humor is an excellent gauge of intelligence. Life gets boring. Find someone who makes the banal interesting. 2. Make sure he has scars on the back of his hands, it’s a good sign he has experience either fighting or making things - creation is an act of selflessness and bruised knuckles are a good sign he knows how to defend himself. You’ve got too much soul to be handled by someone who has never been passionate. If he’s never thrown a punch, let him at least have tasted the insanity of bringing an idea into existence. Rough palms are better than soft ones, they have been salted by this earth and made into leather. Callouses are evidence he has lived, that he has broken skin and been in pain over and over and over again and still came back to the source of it. People rub against each other. Don’t marry him if he can’t handle even a little blister. 3. Before you say yes, get him angry. See him scared, see him wanting,see him sick. Stress changes a person. Find out if he drinks and if he does, get him drunk - you’ll learn more about his sober thoughts. Discover his addictions. See if he puts you in front of them. You can’t change people, baby girl. If they are made one way, it doesn’t just wear off. If you hate how he acts when he’s out of it now, you’re going to hate it much worse eight years down the road. You might love him to bits but it doesn’t change that some people just don’t fit. 4. Trust your instincts. If he ever makes you feel unsafe, don’t make excuses, just get up and leave. That’s all there is to it. It’s better to be safe than sorry. 5. If he puts money before you, he’ll keep pushing you to the bottom of the pile until you become his last priority. It’s one thing if he can’t afford what you want, it’s another if he has the cash but won’t spring for a box of chicken mcnuggets. Money and love are arch enemies. 62% of divorces occur due to economic strain. Make sure keeping you is more important than his 401k. 6. How a man treats animals is a good indicator of how he treats children. If you see him raise a hand to a dog, pack your things into a little black bag. Animals at their worst are only half as annoying as a toddler on their best behaviour. Your kids will be beautiful, but they will also misbehave. Same goes for waiters and hotel maids - if he’s rude to those who are working for minimum wage, it says a lot about how he sees himself. Patience is rare and so important. If he’s not forgiving to a dog, he’s not good for your kids. 7. If he isn’t in awe of you, he doesn’t deserve you. You are my little girl and you were born perfect. If he can’t see that, it’s his loss. There is someone who thinks your flaws power his heart. Be strong. If he asks you to change, be like like rock of your birthstone, do not waver. You are wondrous just the way that you are.
My father’s recipe for the man I should marry (part 1/2 of a series). /// r.i.d (via elauxe)
messy redraw ‘cause I’m on a Tangled high ♡
2019 Wrapped Up
Okay, honestly, the moment that 2019 started, all I had in mind was that I’ll be seeing Blackpink in February. I couldn’t contain my joy as I anticipated for February 2 and January almost went by like a blur. But hey, January was the month when I enrolled for my final semester and upon seeing my stats in my evaluation form, I knew that 2019 will finally be the year that I’ll finish college. Yep, after 7 years ano po mga siz? I wanna narrate everything but I just want to remember the good parts and just keep the bad and the sad to myself, making them a guiding compass as to what I deserve in the future. This year was tough. I graduated from college after 7 years and I ended a 7-year relationship. It was so liberating. It was scary. But hey, I’m here. I made it until the end of the year. I am still whole and I am more intact with myself than before. I can say that I’m stable right now. I am slowly learning to love myself and I’m relying more on prayers that on my own self-centered decisions. I have learned to grow closer to God this year. Thanks to my workmates who have been introducing me to Jesus and the wonders of God’s work everytime we meet for business and in every event that we do. And yes, I got a real job this year. I was able to buy myself my own glasses, paid for my hospital bills when I almost got confined, and I started paying bills. It’s a different kind of freedom. It’s still so scary but it’s freeing. I fell in love with a friend in the last quarter of this year. I have known him since 2013 and we’ve been friends since. People are aware that I have a happy crush on him but all that is set aside when he got in a relationship with one of our friends. Years later, they broke up and I and my ex broke up and we found ourselves seeking each other’s comfort. It was all no commitment and justfun before but I got to know him as days go by and it wasn’t hard to like him. It was definitely not hard to love him, too. The rest was history. He’s my boyfriend now. I’m hoping to have a better relationship this time. One that won’t require me to bend over backward too much. One that won’t require me to lose myself to keep him. One that won’t keep me up at night confused with a gaping feeling in my chest. I don’t ever want to cry for a guy ever again. I want to cry WITH him; not because of him. So I am hoping and praying that all will unfold well. If not, then God must have planned something different. I’ll still be thankful for the lesson learned. I am missing a lot of people right now, to be honest. But some of them, I can only miss and should stop trying to please. I am grateful for them-- forever. And I will always be praying for them. I hope in a time when things fall into place and everything’s alright, I wish we could cross paths again and can finally smile without pretention and have nothing but pride and adoration for each other. Life just works that way, ‘no? People would really come, and sometimes would even stay for a long time but there’d be a day that they will no longer be good for you and you will no longer healthy for them. It’s weird but it’s life-changing. I’ve learned so much from everything that ended this year. And I’m starting over again from experience now, not just from scratch. It wasn’t a perfect year but it was a year I will be most thankful, so far. I survived, though bruised and scarred, I’m alive.
Now, I will no longer face battles on my own. I will surrender the fight in God’s hand and let Him handle my life. All in prayers, I will trust. All in His Glory, everything that I’ve been hoping and dreaming of will come to fruition.
In Jesus’ name.