Fear made a cornered animal out of them all. The instinct to fight, to bite, to claw without thought. It was an emotion that she hated greatly. It contradicted greatly with the side of her that wanted to be analytical, that tried to be logical and critical. And as she stood there, shaking and crying, she found herself hating every single second of this. Of the constant fighting that erupted between them. All it led to was more pain and a deeper divide that tore them further apart from each other.
"I want to believe you," she cried. "I want to trust you. I hate how scared I am all the time. I hate struggling over every word and wondering what's true or not. I don't want this. I don't want us to have this relationship. Your feelings are not invalid; I want to be able to believe and understand everything you tell me again. I want you to be able to tell me how you feel and what you're thinking without wondering if there's more to it all. I just don't know how to make that a possibility again." Ever since her life changed by a single confession that day, every one after that, she wondered what else would suddenly be told to her. What else could dramatically change everything. Living day by day in fear of learning something new about him was a life she never wanted.
The rumours reaching further made it all worse. Nilay couldn't see what everyone speculated. It was nothing more than hokum to her that has made her life for the worse. She couldn't even look at her colleague anymore. She couldn't think about them without a bitter taste in her mouth. Had she the foresight a year ago when she came up with the project idea that has accumulated into all of this, she never would've gone through with it. "I never wanted them. Not for a single second. I don't know what was seen or what people thought they saw, but I don't want them. I don't even talk to them anymore." Looking at Cash, her head shook. Feeling deflated as she went on, "I just wanted to do a fun project for my students. Nothing more, nothing less. I never would've even spoken to them had I an inkling about the mess this all led to a year ago."
Would he even believe that? After everything? Now, Nilay doubted it. Even with it all being the truth, she didn't know anymore if Cash would want to take that leap of faith with her. If it even felt worth it at this point. "Then talk to me," she pleaded. "I don't want to make assumptions out of fear; I want to be wrong. I want my fears to be wrong. I want to be able to look at you without questioning who you are. I want to be able to know you completely again. I don't want to wonder what else is being hidden from me."
How can you love someone you don't trust? It was a challenge that caused her to smile sadly. "I could ask you the same." Wiping away the tears that rolled down her cheeks, she sighed, taking in his words. Lifting up her head, she looked around the kitchen. Taking in every detail. She recounted his bedroom, the entrance, what she saw of the living room. Closing off her emotions for a moment and being the anthropologist, the scholar, that she needed to be. She thought hardly, intently, without bias and without fear clouding her judgment. She took in mentally everything she has been able to see, not just this past visit, but every single one she has taken since March. Nilay looked back at Cash, her lips pressed together as she studied him. The answer was exactly what she hoped for, which didn't stop the guilt from coursing through her. "You're right," she croaked out finally. Nodding as she acknowledged the facts that outweighed the feared assumptions. "There's no signs of anyone else... I'm sorry."
Did the apology even mattered now? The deed was done. She became a caged animal that bit and that didn't just wash away. No moment of logical thinking changed the emotional fire that blazed through. No admitting that he was right changed that she assumed him capable of being with someone else. And even though she acknowledged it, the damage was still done. Another crack added to their relationship because fear and jealousy grew too much.
"I want to," she croaked out softly. "That's the thing, Cash: I want to believe you. I want to trust you. I want that more than anything and I want to stop being so afraid of the worse happening again. I just want to understand why you didn't tell me. I want to understand why you kept it from me instead of telling me. That's the issue here." Nilay wanted to choose to believe him again. She wanted to choose to trust him again. But that couldn't happen with a snap of their fingers, not when it was something that needed to be repaired thoroughly.
It hurt to hear about the night. To get the details that he could remember and recount them to her. Yet even as she winced, she listened. She shut her mouth, bit down on her tongue, and listened to him. She pushed aside the jealousy and insecurity she felt as she thought of the nameless woman. She stood there and watched him, placing her hands on the edge of the counter behind her as she stood silently for a moment. Taking it all in until after a while, she whispered, "Okay." Nilay nodded as she took in his features, his body language, and his words. Trying to give him that leap of faith that she had desperately wanted from him as well those months ago. "Okay. I believe you."
Yet a new fear grew: it was too late now. It was too many months and too many arguments too late, and she looked down at the floor as she gripped the countertop. No matter what was wanted and wished for, it didn't change the fact that perhaps things were too broken, far beyond repair, at this point for them. And as she squeezed her eyes shut at his words infiltrated and pierced her heart. Her mind told her to remain silent. That anything further said would be detrimental. Her heart pointed out the hypocrisy in that. So as she opened her eyes and took in a deep breath, she exhaled slowly. "Or maybe part of me wanted to believe that one day, you'd find better than me," she admitted gently. Looking up at him. "Maybe part of me is still that person who told you years ago that I didn't believe I deserved to be loved. I don't know... All I know is that this is hell, and I don't know what needs to be done to stop it."
Staying away from him was hell. Being near him yet full of fear was hell. He was in pain. She was in pain. And this was a dreadful cycle, continuing on and on with no end in sight and no right answer to fix this. And as she listened in silence, tears rolling down her cheek over his words, it was agony. But she wanted him to talk to her. She had wanted to hear his thoughts and to understand his feelings, even if it was seven months later. Nilay was silent as she let him talk his emotions out. After a moment, after everything he felt was shared and he walked away, she turned to face him. Staring at his back and wishing she could hold him, yet fearing she'd be, understandably, rebuffed in the process.
"I was jealous," she admitted after a long silence. "I was insecure. I thought... I-I thought that, maybe, you'd fallen in love with someone else, and that's why you didn't tell me. That after all the speculation, you realized you wanted someone else, and found them." Exhaling shakily, she continued, "All my life, I watched as everyone else was chosen to be loved while I remained in the shadows. If I was wanted, it was for something I could offer, then be discarded when they were done with me. Being loved unconditionally and without expectations? I never knew that, until you, Davit, and Nur. But I still lost Davit. And part of me always feared that one day, I would lose you, too. It doesn't matter how many degrees I have, how many awards I receive, how many people follow my work: I'm still that unlovable street rat from Midyat."
Nilay shook her head, her hands moving to play with her wedding band. "It was never about a drunken mistake; it was the secrecy. And for what it's worth? I have started to forgive that. It hurts, it's still tender, but being an honest mistake, instead of something intentional? I forgive you for that." Carefully, she walked over to the table. She kept her distance, yet she looked at his face. "I forgive you for making a mistake, Cash. And I want to repair things. I want us to be able to trust each other again. It's just something that'd need time. But I love you. And I forgive you. Maybe one day, you'll forgive me, too."
Nilay sighed softly as she finally turned her back and headed to the doorway. As she put her shoes on, the stark realization that this could be the last time she was in his house, the last time they were entangled with each other, the last time they kissed each other, and the last time they told each other that they loved each other hit her. It was terrifying and fresh tears filled her eyes. She loves him, and she needed to let him go before even more pain and hurt and fear was inflicted between them.
