.This Shain't Be IN Vain.

Space Cadet. 30. Female. USA. Married to corre, mi corazon, me myself, and I. Ask Here or check menu. "It cannot rain all the time, even when it comes in monsoons or tsunamis. The wind eventually breaks and that refuge for serenity, She serenades like all the mananas are worth yesterday's trauma being answered before the war cries of salvation come tumbling thorugh the [...]"

[archaoism]

here's making it to the big league after just roughing it in the trenches here's to the 'alleluja somewhere left within the righteous contempt that made makin' it this far for this long happen, let alone worth it;

whether I end up the romantic that does believe love is enough or I end up the romantic well aware that it is not always fair, dearest, but I do know: for the right One, consider my heart on my sleeve, consider no tricks left, no gimmicks to persuade, no anything aside from the intrinsic tug and pull of our energies so wrought in what it is we have been missing that we hardly know what to do except lean into it, free falling into the tenderness in hopes that maybe, just maybe here's making it to being caught every time

[archaoism]

have you ever known or beknownst to all those sum-bodies breaking down the walls of heaven trying to decree their pedophilia as art thoust Holier than thou in all those sermons the preachers commit treason in

if it weren't for the reasons, maybe the seasons would not have such an effectual purpose for leaving us from ashes to ashes to stardust to snowflakes to, to- sanity at its finest breed; darling, me tres, let's bend this way i may not always have the best to say in the moment, but afterwards we will have one hell of a prayer for what we just bon voyaged together

[archaoism]

arise to the occasion, free-faller, be as baller as the ballerina in yella let you before those fellas saluted and take it to the stars, viva la verde

the last queen has arisen to arise to be arose-eth from thy death it took quite the breadth to land the breath at thy first grand stand of a state of affairs that fucks with your minds as much as it does your spouses; it's annulled, don't worry, sweetie, sweet ' , oh I betcha I got the ketcha thy petcha without consent i got the ones that doth protest-eth my rights and all the rites it's taken for these signs and sine, navy sealed, and delivered y'us from the evil which sanctionfied our alibis until all that was left was laughing gas and some molecules pretending to be raspberry rum at the center of this fucked up galaxy.

[archaoism]

ain't got it in me for any more of me to be taken, more than I am given to in return

ain't got it in me to pretend it's okay used to have all these profound things to say and lately I am lucky to just make it through the day

ain't got it in me to let my guard down even after being convinced it's safe to when it's always a false sense of security ending in white flags of surrender that ain't ever enough to render it over

ain't got it in me any longer to ignore the red flags, either

throw me in a field of green or leave me to the wolves take me out to the buoy where the Sirens serenade the syntax back where it belongs, someplace nestled in the bones I got left

ain't got it in me to take the next swings learned the hard ways not to take 'em in the first place, so why am I more beat from the bruises that abandonment leaves rather than the real ones that healed somewhere along the ways (un)beknownst those infinite purgatories and limbo in between making it out half alive with just enough misery left to be the only company worth keeping these days, 'cause all the rest ain't worth the best I do got left in me to keep.

[impostersyndromearchives]

Dear Anonymous,

You don’t deserve any of the awful things this world has put you through, but I can’t be mad at the world.. because the world is what gifted me you. You’ve made me believe in fate the moment the world gifted me my soul mate; as well as my very best friend. I vow to always be here for you until the very end.

[archaoism]

finally making it somewhere past the infinite tunnels of debris leftover from the wars wagered that's taken more lives than they have saved

I know first hand. I tagged and counted the body bags of all the victims, versions, and trauma sacrificed along the way.

I know because their ghosts still haunt me, just as the residual decay of who I used to be will continuously haunt who I have become to everyone that has not understood:

when somebody says they are not okay it is not to be used as ammunition; when somebody gets the help they need the old wounds no longer need to bleed

when someone puts in the effort to be better determined to not ever settle for less after learning every lesson the hard way maybe it's worth the benefit of the doubt that who they are today is their way of saying:

I made it thru the badlands. I conquered the adversities and odds. I meant for this to be the me that loved you right the first time and I know it ain't much consolation, but please know I'll love you in the constellations and maybe in another lifetime it will matter what I did for us in this one. . .

. . . or maybe it won't.

Who knows aside from the Fates threading their strings of destinies, fabled fantasies can be speculated, but really just need to have my life force resuscitated, stat before there ain't no fight in me left,

'cause lately been wondering maybe would've been better off dead after all rather than left alone in my head playing Russian Roulette with survivor's guilt as though I was ever built for this as though I would have ever chosen this as though I ain't the last body bag I tagged, 'cause what's it worth dragging ourselves from the depths of hell to the horizons after with nobody left to celebrate the victory that ain't nobody believed I'd make it to anyway.

[archaoism]

please tell me how to get it right from here release me from the confines of the years i-i have spent so pent up from fight or flight that getting stable was a fable I had finally accepted I may not ever achieve, yet here I am finally stabilizing and getting on my feet, despite the feats it took to make it, and i-i know better than to take it for granted, i do; the thing is, what is it worth without you?

how are these decades worth their years in trauma if wherever the "here" I end up is with you there, someplace so far away the only traces I have left are those better days I keep tucked in the tiny reservoirs of places I pretend still to this day do not exist; for if I admit it, what must that say of the rest of me: the best I claim to be keeping reserved for The One, who I am beginning to wonder whether is out there for me at all, because i-i had plenty of my chances and risked 'em on bets wagering wars against my best interests, because i had convinced myself somehow that loving others meant looking out for their interest above your own, when instead it means looking out for one another's and not ever settling for anything less, together. . .

but here we are with three decades of retrospect to reminisce, dismiss, or take the lessons learned; have faith in the Kismet earned having made it this far at all; I mean, Lord, child, you made it. You did.

Take Your capitalization back and own it; if You can take accountability for Your faults, You can take ownership of Your assets, too, so remember when those inevitable moments occur when You deserve better - do not ever accept anything less, because You did not give up the best parts of what-could-have-beens up just to settle for what ain't worth more than that.

[archaoism]

oh, and I know at least enough to know it ain't gonna happen overnight making a safe home of your mind after lifetimes of being at the mercy of demons every night that are or are not yours; it takes many moons and suns, always rising no matter the demises as reminders that the less the odds have been in your favor, the higher the odds for better days oh, and I know that the inevitable eventuality is almost as painful waiting for as it is grieving for all that's done more leaving than staying used to have so much to say but these days lately I end up lonely after being convinced I'm someone's somebody but I ain't gotta be nobody's but mine to know I'm a once-in-a-lifetime find

if you're actually patient enough with the mess of my many myriads of my mind I cycle thru like phases of the moons, strung out on the winds of the tides passing by, whistling farewell lullabies to dreams gone by, knowing sometimes it takes too many goodbyes before finding The One that winds up staying, for better and for worse, no matter the wear, sweetheart, I'm up for the taking and ain't nobody making a home of what I'm blessed to have left so at best I'll take the rest and ride off into the sunsets that ain't got no regrets in the rear-view mirrors of those that I can finally look in again; that right there worth making it for, if anything

[archaoism]

there's a eulogy in me somewhere and a siren song of a soliloquy that died young

when I'm lonely I listen to how it haunts the most innocent parts of myself I lost before even knowing what it was like to have them

maybe this or maybe that; she's laid to rest it is probably best to mourn her but how many times must I

how many does it take to lose before survivor's guilt consumes more than what it takes to be the only one left who made it out alive

is it really alive or is this just a memoir to the mirage of my bone marrow

how once upon a time I sipped from it to get drunk in matrimony with my sense of wonder and faith in forever actually existing

instead, these days I am left drifting wandering aimlessly amidst the leftover debris of catastrophes that need not have happened in the first place

how much space and time does it take for entropy to finally settle so that I do not have to

[archaoism]

Darling, I get it. Put it on me and be better off seeking elsewhere what I ain't got. Lover, I shared the depths of me and every time it's too much and I-I know, I should know better by now; when to bow out, when to hold on, when to let go, when to go all in.

Instead I choose to free-fall into the infinite abyss of maybe this time it'll be different.

Searching tirelessly for that Heaven sent and hell bent on being better than I have been, becoming versions of myself I can live with and finally deserve to be loved in return the ways I didn't know how to reciprocate, prior to learning the hard ways: sometimes it's what you let go of that hurts more than what you hold on to. Sometimes it's not.

Lately, don't even know what I've got, don't know what there is to let go of or what there is worth holding onto and if it weren't for the remorse of losing what would've been best while settling for what was worse, it wouldn't be so damn hard for me to just accept some things really just are not meant to be.

[archaoism]

trying to write it out instead of keep it in but the labyrinth of my headspace exists within perpetual sinning, somehow always too much while simultaneously not enough; and I get it, I do, there's enough intensity in me to ignite an infinite inferno of such magnitude it takes eons to sift thru, but since when ain't depth a gift worth keeping. since when do you reap what you sow until the only thing left to grow in the sediment of your sentiments are the most fragile, delicate pieces of you that you kept hidden for a reason, because it wasn't worth letting the best parts of yourself go to only those who gave you their worst baby girl, no matter the curses, no matter how many adversities it takes, those tragedies are only temporary, my dear, and there is nothing to fear as long as you remember that you had the strength to make it here in the first place, so no longer convince yourself that you are only worthy of last put the past to rest, sweet girl, and keep trying your best; let that wild heart beat ravage as you treat yourself with as much kindness you do others; it’s only fair for you to care for yourself just the same; the shame for not always knowing how to isn’t yours to wield the burden of, little bird, that belongs to the ones that have taken every version of you for granted until all that is left are the best parts you reserved for The One as deserving of them as you are of theirs

[archaoism]

baby, if I could articulate it, I-I would have by now, I'd have left it in tiny villanelles in the very lining of your veins; in an attempt to spare the pain, to maintain the sanity we struggled thru the realities of far too apart rather than closer together; if it is any consolation, here is my fealty, here is my surrender, here is the please, remember me like this instead, stable with a head on my shoulders that knows better than to take for granted all you make me stumble through this world in, wide-eyed in awe-struck wonder before half-lidded in animalistic desire, nonethewiser that the strings in my heart wound 'round your fingers pull all the right triggers; and oh, please, let me do the suffering instead from now on, let the repressed demons battling in your head run wild in the winding labyrinths of my mind; darling, if ever you question I was near, place your hand over your heart and find the residual beat that got me thru the darker days until I found my way back to you the right way; oh, and I know timing ain't ever gonna be my forte and our story would've been written much different had I had not been forced to live the lives that I left behind every single time, returning bit-by-bit until what I have to offer is all that's left in the version of me that made it; if I could serenade your soul with syntax synced to your insecurities until it felt safe to be with me again, I would in a quicker heartbeat than the skip of mine every single time I am hanging on your every line; and I get it, sweetheart, I do; it won't ever be me that that is said to, but please know that no matter the journey, my love is unconditional, eternally infinite and forever devoted to The One who proved to me that soulmates truly are real

[archaoism]

This is getting more difficult. As it always eventually does.

Context would help, but I digress regardless because I'm inclined to agree. It is getting more difficult... and it has had a tendency to always eventually do so, but it doesn't have to. Doesn't have to be too difficult and doesn't have to get even moreso.

For whatever it's worth, I'm right here.. finally getting my shit together even if it's over a decade late. Sometimes what's the most difficult is what's most worth it.

I'm here if you wanna be in touch elsewhere, otherwise... we'll take solace in the eyes of the storms, I suppose, though I'd rather weather them together than alone.

[archaoism]

girl, you got me in a fever sever the ties of my soul, set me free-er let the star-bound odyssey of our love story set the course of the eons we crossed to make it here, so close without a touch yet as such, you rage the labyrinth of my inferno, you go down like absinthe and taste like ambrosia, lost in depths that I had given up to sky burials far beyond these realms; the pleas of my prayers, answered, one step closer to Heaven within your presence, going through withdrawals in your absence, and baby, it may've only been recently since we met, but the future ain't written yet; I bet you're worth all the all ins in the world 'cause I know I gave the entire deck to you and wherever the tides blow, to the hell with it, we're the shit.

[archaoism]

who's left here? anyone in the void?

[archaoism]

What I would do just to get back with you. I would lasso the moon and soon, my love, soon I will prove it beyond words, because actions speak louder and these days, I am bolder and less temperamental, less stubborn. I can admit when I am wrong and I am less clueless to losing it without being aware of it. There are parts of me I am shedding I am ashamed of, I admit, but on the other side is the version of me I should have been all along. Timing has not ever been my forte, but hardlines have always been ours. The same way I will always be yours. No matter what I do, who I become, or where I go will there be the imprint of you carried in the very pulse that beats in my throat that rages fury and hellfire to make it back to you, an inferno of such magnitude my consonants turn vowels into amber, suspended in time (quite the way I wish we were; I wish you were here).

[archaoism]

Someday maybe I'll be the wife. There may be blessings for a child or four and life will be worth the wars it has taken to make it there.

Someday maybe I'll have a wife. We shall battle the storms together as we wax and wane into eons that remember us forever.

Someday maybe the heartache maybe the restarts, maybe the breakdowns will make sense once the comeback stays around for good, but who knows.

These days what remains of my stardust may not be shining the ways it used to, but who's to say there ain't beauty in the darkness it takes for the light to prevail.