Once Ash had woken up, untangling himself from Alessa’s sheets and Alessa herself, and snuck out of the fifth year girls’ dorms–– escaping undetected, by the skin of his teeth, really ––he’d gone back to his own dorm area, showered, and paced about the foot of his own empty bed.
He’d never fought with his sister before–– and even now, he wasn’t really FIGHTING with her, but she was still angry and upset with him. Understandably so. She’d be even more hurt if she knew the truth, if she knew just where he’d spent the night even after everything that had happened in the woods. It.. scared him, this rift between them. It scared him even more that he seemed so willing to risk ripping it open further by still wanting so badly what he should not–– who he COULD NEVER have.
But he wanted Alessandra anyway. He wanted to light the cigarettes that she would steal from his lips, and he wanted to hear her laugh, and he wanted to find out if she really could play piano as well as she said she could. He wanted, he wanted, he wanted. It was selfish. It was wrong. Out of all the people in the castle, of whom he more or less could choose freely––– he wanted the one he could never have, in a way he’d never wanted anyone or anything else before.
He’d sworn to himself, that night in the woods, that he’d never act on it in the way he’d been expressly forbidden to, but even the simple fact that he couldn’t clear his mind of her ( her smile, her wide, clear eyes, the way she bit her lip, the way she bit his ) for a single moment was enough to have him setting off out of the castle, ignoring his class schedule in favor of heading toward Hogsmeade.
When he spotted Sera in the great hall at dinner, later–– he’d be able to pick her out of the most crowded Quidditch stadium in an instant ––he’d had to steel himself before walking over, before silently settling down on the bench next to her. Ash kept quiet for a few beats, even as she made it quite clear how unwelcome he was next to her––– which made his heart twist, his stomach drop unpleasantly.
Slowly, tentatively, he set the long and slim transparent box of macarons on the table between them, right under her gaze. They’d been freshly baked this morning. They were her favorite. They weren’t enough of an apology. They were the only thing he could think of to extend as a peace offering. He’d sent up about twelve more boxes, identical to that one, to her dorm. It still hadn’t been enough to assuage his guilt.
“…Don’t be mad at me. Please, just–– stop. I don’t know what to do to myself.”
She looked down at the table - at the box of macarons - eyes shooting up to meet his. “Flowers and cookies aren’t a real apology, Ash.” She sighed, opening the box and taking out one of the macarons, taking a bite - anything to occupy her mouth so she didn’t have to talk. On instinct, she picked up another cookie, offering it to him without thinking –– a gesture she’d made probably a thousand times. She swallowed the bite, reaching out to take a sip of the water on the table in front of her. Her gaze stayed on the macarons as she lightly traced her fingertips on the box. It wasn’t fair. She was ALLOWED to be mad - she had a right. But she didn’t know what to do either and it felt strange not to settle into the familiar patterns that had been built over her lifetime. Not to lean into his side or search for the smile that he only offered her.
“I can’t just STOP. It’s not that easy. You were careless. I –– of all the girls in the castle –– drunk or not you should have been better. I love you,” she said, her eyes flicking up to meet his, FINALLY. “I always love you, but you hurt me, Ash. And I thought you were the one person who would never do that so I’m sorry if I’m not your best buddy right now.” UGH, the tears were back and Sera averted her gaze, staring at the table again. She would not make a fool out of herself - crying in the middle of the Great Hall. She wiped at her cheeks and sighed. “Alessa is my best friend and you treated her like... like she was anyone. And I said things that I wasn’t proud of - but I don’t know how to just BE OKAY with it, Ash. It’s more than apology flowers and macarons, Ash. I already know you and I already know you know me. I have to figure out how to trust you right now.”