Blogs By An Idiot

Schtick by Schtick

[archthoughtsdotblogspot-blog]

If you were pretending to be on a diet, the CDC just ended it for you

From time to time people like to think going on a diet the week before holiday season kicks off will do some good to their body. I’m one of them. That shit will end right now. The CDC just ended my diet and every other chunky persons by announcing Romaine Lettuce is not healthy to eat. Do I know the reason why? Hell no and I don’t need to. Salmonella, typhoid fever, you think I give a shit as to why? I’m kicking off this Thanksgiving Szn like any other American. Getting wasted and seeing people from High School that you could not care less about at your local bar. I’ll be taking wagers on how long into the night I want to go home and sit on my couch. I’ll set the line at 1 hour. Smash the under. Other prob bets to make for the night:

Total people you speak with who you haven’t since high school

How many of the hot girls from high school are now waitresses or bartenders

Can you predict 3 of the most random people you will speak with

Over/Under 12 minutes to get a drink

Enjoy your Thanksgiving Eve everyone, the most overrated drinking holiday of the year!

[archthoughtsdotblogspot-blog]

Jeopardy! is on Netflix and now I will become a genius

With Jeopardy! (Pretty cocky move by Jeopardy adding the exclamation mark) now being on Netflix, it’s time to face the reality of my own life...I’m a genius who just hates reading and learning. After getting a Daily Double and Final Jeopardy question right in one game, my brain is firing on all cylinders. Two questions in a row, no problem. I’ve done that on a binge session. Critiquing how much a contestant wagers on a DD, buffoons! I’ve come so far in the few days of watching Jeopardy that I have thought about reading a book. What type of book you may ask, well I’ll tell you. I googled “Books to be better at Jeopardy” and was not disappointed. Unfortunately I’m too lazy/poor to even buy the book on Amazon and my library card hasn’t been used in so long it doesn’t register on their website. For now, I’m stuck waiting for 2000’s Rap Music and NFL questions to become categories and to pretend to know other questions by saying “ I knew that, I should have said it” to appear smart in front of others.

[archthoughtsdotblogspot-blog]

Are the Cavs becoming the Shanghai Sharks or an off brand soda?

The Cavaliers just swagger jacked the Shanghai Sharks with their new City Edition jerseys and I’m all for it. The Cavs continue to show no resemblance of an NBA team so they might as well steal some of the Sharks fandom. First step: jerseys. Second step: Jimmer Fredette. The only storyline for the Cavs revolves around the off court situations. Will JR throw various liquids at the coaching staff? Will interim head coach Larry Drew continue to be “The Voice” of the team (and what the fuck does that mean, am I the voice of my own life? I don’t understand)? How many times this season will Tristan Thompson be caught red handed rawdogging women other than the worst Kardashian? Once the Cavs sign Jimmer, confirmed BYU soaker, the Cavs entire roster can enjoy an Orange Slice soda. Who knows, maybe Pipe God will dump it on an assistant coach.

[archthoughtsdotblogspot-blog]

It’s Election Day meaning everyone on social media is better than you

Did you vote or did you just tell everyone who watched your Instagram story to vote? I’m doing neither. Not because I don’t love the freedoms provided by democracy. It’s strictly because every person is posting a picture of their “I Voted” sticker with a caption demanding everyone to do so. Yes, voting is important but don't force me to vote just like you can't force me to wash my hands after pissing or not to lie about how long until I will be somewhere. I never wash them and if I say I will be there in 10 minutes, I’m still at home on the couch. It’s just who I am. If you tell me to watch a show on Netflix, I’ll say it fucking sucks and then start it in 3 months. So if you I see your tweet telling all 458 of your followers to go out and vote, my response is the same as Nick Saban’s sideline interview.  “I’m not going to, so quit asking”. 

[archthoughtsdotblogspot-blog]

Youngstown News of the Day: Man Strikes Neighbors Door with axe, proceed to exchange gunfire

The whole story is amazing beginning with a neighborly quarrel which resulted in 56 year old Martin Quimby telling his neighbor he would chop him up into little pieces before grabbing his axe and getting to work on the guys front door. Thank the Lord above both men were armed starting with the man protecting his home. He fired and missed both rounds of his double barreled shotgun. Quimby did not take too kindly to that. “So thats how you want it?” said the axe wielding man calmly settling an argument before firing his entire clip of bullets from his pistol. 

We are a different breed within a 30 miles radius of Youngstown. Florida Man and Youngstown Man would get along just fine. The story may sound dramatic to any other city but really its just in our blood. I was on page 2 of my local news before I stumbled across it. I must find out what the argument was about. For the life of me I have avoided any contact with my neighbor. If I'm outside and I have any sight of my neighbor I am knees to chest sprinting inside to the warm embrace of the internet. I’ll be thinking of you, Martin Quimby. Mostly in my head of different scenarios in which I would be mad enough to go George Washington on a neighbors door but the thought still counts. 

[archthoughtsdotblogspot-blog]

The Cleveland Cavaliers have ruined Clevelands only chance of infamy

Would you rather have the worst regular season record of all time or have zero wins for an entire NBA season? This shouldn't even be a question, shooters shoot and Legends never die. While on pace to have the worst record of all time, the Cavaliers would forever be remembered if the Cavaliers would have graciously went winless this season. 2 professional teams with a combined total of zero wins would have been remarkable. Nobody would ever forget the historic year of Cleveland teams. You could even make the argument that the cities sport teams had a curse placed on them (ignore the Indians, let baseball continue to be irrelevant in my mind). Now there is nothing to look forward to in this basketball season. The Cavs are 1-9 after blowing a 5 point lead with the ball and 40 seconds left against the Orlando Magic. It’s amazing, that sentence sounds like a curse itself. Instead of watching the games to see if the streak continues, its just a sad team. LeBron left us and so did the relevancy of the Cleveland Cavaliers until JR Smith places his lunch order at Panera Bread. 

[archthoughtsdotblogspot-blog]

Travis Scotts Private Jet is almost certainly bigger than your apartment

A sectional? A fucking sectional. Travis Scott’s Private Jet has a damn sectional on board. I couldn't fit a sectional in my living room and this asshole has one on his private jet with ample room around it. Don't worry, he wasn't even laying on the sectional. His private jet has  separate couches which he was laying on. Phil Jackson would make the assumption that his posse was on board with him. Well Phil, you'd be wrong, dead wrong. He was alone on the massive jet which had multiple area rugs sporting his Cactus Jack logo. It’s a major glow up for Travis and one which won’t be ending anytime soon thanks to his relationship with the worlds youngest self-made billionaire Kylie. Drop Astrowold again. 

[archthoughtsdotblogspot-blog]

I did it, I trusted Frank Ocean...again

The internets favorite troll is back doing his usual hi jinx. Frank Ocean fooled us all into thinking he was releasing new music. From 9 to 10 this morning, Frank Ocean took over Beats1 Radio and had everyone anxious for new music. Instead, he spent his hour playing old music including  Playboi Carti’s Flatbed Freestyle (fire). Sure, thats fine but where is the new music to get me back in my feels? I need that shit has me crying in the club right now. If you're a fan of Frank Ocean you've been through this exact situation too many times. Frank will cryptically give out a date for his album to be released. That entire day you're buzzing with anticipation only for the 24 hours to pass with no mention of a future date. Then someone on Twitter who clearly is more motivated than me will have another date in the future which never brings the new music we all long for. Eventually Frank surprise drops an album only to disappear for a few years. I am DONE falling for Franks games and fake outs. He may have Michael Jordan palm pump faked me today but never again. The internet sleuths can spend their day waiting for music. I’ll be busy on Twitter living my best life ignoring all real responsibilities.