This is a blog, a blog with herons.

He/him. I love herons.

[ardeacinerea]

For the past months (I think ?) I've been hearing what sounds to me like heavy stomping steps pacing back and forth in the apartment upstairs ; what makes me doubt that interpretation is that it can last uninterrupted for hours, but it's definitely moving so it can't be something like a washing machine...

It's not that loud, so during the day I can just put on my headphones and it's enough to block it out (which makes me pretty sure it is a real sound), but it gets unpleasant when it happens at night when I am trying to sleep, or when it is really hot and I'd like to not have something on my ears... Last week I almost went to ask them if they could maybe do whatever it is less loudly, but when I got to their door I realized I needed to practice what I was going to say (because if this is truly someone who is pacing for hours every day I don't want to embarrass them about it or be rude in general), and it had stopped when I got back to my place (coincidence ? Or they heard me in the stairs and knew somehow that I was coming to ask about this ? I am almost completely sure this is a real sound but it made me doubt a little)...

[ardeacinerea]

Time to write and then a bit of Hungarian, and if I can manage some cleaning too before I leave for the afternoon (which I will spend cleaning elsewhere) that would be great (but it will depend on how I manage my time)...

[ardeacinerea]

Very very grateful for Internet friends ! Thank you for being there !

[ardeacinerea]

Animal death, about a past rat infestation.

The rat infestation occurred when I was renting in cash, by the week, a tiny room (with a shared bathroom in the staircase), right by a gaelic football stadium ; the building was so shitty the walls rattled when there was a match and when my upstairs neighbors had sex. The one thing that was kind of nice was that my room was garden level, there was this tiny garden outside my window, the only problem was that my neighbors went there to smoke, and I don't tolerate cigarette smoke super well and don't like the smell at all.

So when there was the rat infestation, I think the rats were used to crossing my room to go out through the garden. In any case, after my landlord put poison, I woke up to several dead or dying rats on the floor of my room. I love rats and I was really upset that they had such awful deaths. I took the one that survived the longest out to a park and left her in a quiet spot, which in retrospect was kind of stupid, because she probably died and became poisoned food for anything that eats dead rats. But at the time I was mostly thinking of how awful it would be to die in my shitty room.

Not too long after that my landlord, huh, informally evicted me (stopped renting that room), because he got scared by the perspective of an inspection given that absolutely nothing was up to code there...

(Generally speaking my life at the time was comically miserable, I mean, I worked in a call center.)

[kn0wmore]

[ardeacinerea]

OK, after spending time with my friend Marcel and his little guys (Bloch and Saint-Loup are currently there, duo de choc) + looking up pet cockroaches (different species but helpful to integrate that these are just animals and not some mysterious Uncleanness Scourge) + doing some minimal cleaning while remembering the true hygienic lows of 10 years ago + mild sedation, I am doing a lot better and can envision my potential cockroach future as being more or less like my current life with an extra source of unpleasantness and inconvenience. It would suck but I've seen worse.

[ardeacinerea]

Latest bug scare ongoing

All right.

Every year or so you see a cockroach, or you think you've seen a cockroach, or you find a real material undeniable dead cockroach that stays real until you get rid of it. It makes you launch into this completely disproportionate emotional reaction, where the main motor components are roughly

1. a cockroach infestation is what will make your entire life spiral downwards with no chance to recover, it is a problem you will never be able to fix or reduce or adapt to and it will make you lose any motivation to attempt improving the rest of your situation in any way, the areas of your life you are too disgusted to touch will spread and things will just get worse and worse and worse.

2. a cockroach infestation will be your fault for being disgusting ; other people have cockroach infestations because there are cockroaches spreading through their building, but in your case the cockroaches probably smelled from the street how full of trash your place is, or they arrived to your doorstep with a map where you are indicated as a gross thing that should not be allowed to live without supervision.

All right. What seems clear is that you are not thinking of something that is happening right now. And maybe nothing will happen or not for a long time. Knowing this doesn't feel like it helps that much right now, but at least you are now aware that it is safe to distract yourself from this, and maybe when you have done that for a while and have calmed down you can try thinking about it again.

[ardeacinerea]

Pif qui gratte à un emplacement indéterminable.

[zedtron774]

Kawanabe Kyosai, White Heron in the Rain, colour woodblock print, Japan, 1880

[tomofmunich]

@ardeacinerea

[ardeacinerea]

I'm starting to feel the shame from this afternoon. I hope I'll forget about it soon and that people won't prevent this by being weird but I am not too optimistic.

[snailychan]

Reflecting

[ardeacinerea]

Saying this here to refrain from being pedantic to a random innocent person : a Jesuit is not a monk. Different beast, different range, different behavior.

[ardeacinerea]

Friar is the one that grows from the ground (mendicant humility) whereas the monk grows from the cell-ing.

[ardeacinerea]

And Jesuits are neither from the ceiling nor the ground, they're just regular...

[ardeacinerea]

Saying this here to refrain from being pedantic to a random innocent person : a Jesuit is not a monk. Different beast, different range, different behavior.

[ardeacinerea]

Friar is the one that grows from the ground (mendicant humility) whereas the monk grows from the cell-ing.

[ardeacinerea]

Saying this here to refrain from being pedantic to a random innocent person : a Jesuit is not a monk. Different beast, different range, different behavior.

[ardeacinerea]

I'm slow and not very sharp and it is very frustrating ; there is so much I want to read and experience and think about but I can't get to most of it because I am so slow and there is so little time...

[ehbahpu]

Aider H à fuir une situation dangereuse

Cagnotte en ligne

Aider H à fuir une situation dangereuse

Français 

Cette cagnotte est pour notre amie H. qui a été séquestrée par sa famille en raison de transphobie. Elle a besoin de refaire un passport, acheter un billet d'avion et avoir un peu d'argent à son retour en France en attendant de stabiliser sa situation. 

On est obligé d'agir assez rapidement, notamment pour acheter le billet. Donc si tu as même 1 euro à mettre, ça nous aidera énormément ! 

Merci mille fois pour ta solidarité 🙌🏾

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English

This fundraiser is for our friend H., who has been held captive by her family due to transphobia. She needs to get a new passport, buy a plane ticket, and have some money when she returns to France until her situation stabilizes. 

We need to act quickly, especially to buy the ticket. So if you can donate even just one euro, it will help us enormously!

Thank you so much for your solidarity 🙌🏾

[ardeacinerea]

Made it exactly 8 months at the new worksite without getting the safety guys called on me !