I'm just a bent paper clip.

Amber. Thirty-three years old. Married my lovebug in 2013. Mama to a baby girl born in 2015 and a little man born is 2020. South Central Kansas born and raised.

[areann92]

Welp, eighteen hours since we dropped Fred off, and he finally landed at "home." Now, maybe I can actually go to sleep and quit worrying since his mama will get to take over that worrying soon. 🤞

Knowing Fred will be home with his family all summer is so good for my soul. But knowing he'll be back here in less than three months is even better for my soul. I can't wait to see what fun he has and the real smiles show back up on his face. I know he's had a hard semester, and I'm so glad he gets to recover from it with everyone he loves at home. We're sure gonna miss our boy, though.

[areann92]

How much am I struggling with having to let go of my boys....? Taking a selfie with them much. Dude.... this is so freaking hard.... and I barely know these boys. I've known Fred for maybe eight months. I've only really known Mau for two. And I am gutted. Destroyed. Broken. Just at the thought of them leaving...

One thing about me is that I love hard and with my whole heart. Very go big or go home in that department, and I always have. My dad never understood it and always judged me for it. But, like, how sad that he hasn't experienced the love I have, ya know...? The love I have for these boys is so pure and beautiful. So wholesome and heartwarming. But also heartbreaking. Because how am I supposed to let them go...? Just leave. Not knowing when we'll see Mau again. Or even if we'll see him again. Thank goodness we'll get to bring Fred home in a couple months, because I can't handle losing him forever....

Tonight, Fred let me hold him and hug him until I was ready to let him go, and I hope I never forget the way that felt.... just my sweet angel baby knowing that his American mama is really struggling with telling him goodbye in just a couple days...

[areann92]

My sweet angel babies.

Today, I asked Fred if he would give his mom a mother's day card for me when he gets home next weekend. He said he would. I told him he'd have to translate it for her. And he said "oooooor.... you could try [to write it in Portuguese]." But I can't even find the words to say thank you enough in English. I don't know how in the world I'll be able to do it in another language! But I'll do my best. And consult Google if I need a little help. Haha.

[areann92]

Every time I see that picture of my family with Fred's, I want to cry. I'm still so grateful that I got to hug that man and thank him for sharing his sweet boy with us. It was just the best day.

[areann92]

Today, I stood in front of Fred while holding my baby cousin. I told him how hard it's going to be to not be able to hold his babies like that one day, because he'll be so far away. "But you'll come to Brasil." Yes, my sweet boy, we'll come to Brasil. I will hold those sweet babies. I will love them just like I love their dad. 😭

[areann92]

As long as I live, I hope "Hey Jude" always makes me think of our sweet André. I already miss that sweet boy's constant smile and contagious laughter. 😭

[areann92]

I hate being in pictures.... but this one stopped me in my tracks when Shae sent it to me tonight. Just me and my sweet Brazilian angel baby talking at lunch today. I know I'll blink and Leigha and Drew will be as old as Fred is now.... someday, we'll talk without arguing. Someday, they'll be my cool little friends that I got to raise. Someday, I hope to be sitting down to lunch with Fred and his sweet babies, too.

But today.... today, I'm grateful to have spent the day with three Tigers who I love dearly.

[areann92]

At one point tonight, Fred said "when you come to Brazil... you're going to come to Brazil." The look on his face was almost pleading. Like he needed reassurance that we aren't going to forget him just because he'll leave us one day. Like we're going to be a part of his life always. Without even meaning to, my mama voice took over when I told him that we will.

How are we so lucky that we have this beautiful human being in our lives? That even though he'll go home to Brazil someday, he'll always be ours. That my children will have him to lean on or rejoice with for the rest of their lives. He's already so very much ours, and we all love him so much. 😭

[areann92]

It's hard to wrap my head around the fact that we've known Fred for just a few months, but he's somehow become a part of our everyday lives. Literally. We've seen him every single day (except for last Friday) since he got back from break. One of the best parts of my day is watching him and the kids make plans for the next day. 🥹🥹

[areann92]

Family has always been really complicated for me. My dad was adopted at birth and had a relationship with his biological mother in my childhood. He didn't know who his biological dad was until I was in my 20s. His dad died when I was two, but his mom was a huge part of my life until a couple years ago. My mom's parents were divorced and both remarried. My parents split up when I was seven-ish. Then, my mom got sick and we lived with her best friend and her family for a while. They became our family. My dad remarried, and I gained another family. It was always just a lot. And within the last couple years, I've basically kept myself and my family separated from my dad and my brother for our own emotional wellbeing. Instead, we've surrounded ourselves with our chosen family. The newest member of that family has made the biggest impact on our lives, and I'm grateful for him every single day. Today, we met his dad, and it was so incredibly wonderful. Just for my actual family to turn around and ruin the high I rode all day. And this is why I have basically nothing to do with any of my blood family...

[areann92]

These trinkets - two keychains and magnets - mean more to me than the Tigers that gave them to me will ever know. And they made me real emotional tonight.

[areann92]

It feels like a million years since Leigha spotted this curly haired Brazilian on the sidelines of the soccer field. A million years since she picked a flower and sat it on his shoulder before running away without saying a word. A million years since I was forced out of my comfort zone to introduce myself and the kids to him. A million years since he became ours. It's truly amazing how quickly we've all grown to love him so deeply.

[areann92]

Missing our Tiger so much right now. 😩

I've struggled so much with just not feeling the Christmas spirit this year, and I think a huge piece of my heart being in Brazil with his loved ones is a big part of it. We're all much happier with our guy by our sides, and it's been a long week and a half without him... almost three more weeks until he comes "home," and I don't know how any of us are going to survive that long without him. 😭😭

[areann92]

I find myself wanting to come back to this space so that I can remember so many wonderful things that feel too personal to share with my Facebook friends. Life has just been so heartwarmingly wonderful, and I feel like I'm about to explode - in ways that I never thought I'd feel. When I started writing here as a teenager, I was so full of angst. I felt so misunderstood and so on the outside of everything. That's not the life I live today.

Today, about ten minutes before Leigha's second to last soccer game of the season was supposed to start, I got a text from her favorite French Tiger saying she'd gotten off work early but it was probably too late for me to come get her. Without hesitation, Drew and I loaded up to head to campus. Leigha had been so disappointed on the way to her game when she found out that Kelig wouldn't be able to come and that I didn't think Fred would be able to either. We pulled up outside the dorms to find Kelig standing with a couple of friends and Fred talking with a friend across the parking lot. The girls loaded into my car, and Fred came to say hi to Drew. Kelig told Fred he should come, and he hesitated a little before he said goodbye to his friend and climbed in the car next to Drew. Shortly after we left campus, Fred told us that he should be doing homework but he didn't care. And while I probably should've felt bad (as a parent and mostly responsible adult 😂) that he was missing out on time to get his work done, I couldn't help but be overcome with joy knowing that he thought being there to watch Leigha play was more important. I'm tearing up now just thinking about it.

Leigha introduced herself to Fred within the last few weeks, and he has so quickly become such an important part of our family. We all love him so much, and a tiny part of me is already sad knowing he'll only be here another year and a half (assuming he comes back to play for Cowley next year).

We've known Kelig since last spring and have gotten to spend a good amount of time with her this fall. She's also become a very important part of our family, and it'll be so hard to say goodbye to her after she graduates this year!

It's just so wholesome to see our kids develop these sweet relationships with their Tigers. It's been wonderful getting to cheer for them and then watch them turn around and cheer for my kids. I just can hardly handle it. My heart is so full! 🥹🥹

[areann92]

I've been trying to make this post on instagram for days, but I just can't.... Monday morning, I woke up to a message from my dad that said his best friend's youngest son had died. The sweet boy who I watched grow in his mom's belly and then earth side. The giggling toddler whose family we took vacations with. The smiling teenager whose graduation announcement hung proudly on my fridge. The young father and husband who I hadn't gotten to see in this season of life... and now I'll never get a chance to... my heart aches for his parents and siblings. My heart aches for his wife, baby, and baby to be. My heart aches for me and my family. My heart just aches....

[areann92]

I had a bunch of my Facebook friends come at me the other day when I'd posted about Walmart cancelling my order for suspicious activity (🤦‍♀️) and wishing I had somewhere else to shop. They all said "Dillon's." To which I replied that Dillon's was way more expensive and we couldn't afford to switch. They all disagreed. We do buy some stuff from Dillon's, but the majority of it comes from Walmart. So, today, I did the math. I put exactly the same things in my Dillon's and Walmart carts (the Dillon's cart has ten extra items, because they only sell Pepsi in six packs and Walmart sells it in twelve packs). Walmart came out at sooooo much less. Proving my point. But I didn't want to post this on Facebook and sound petty, even though I am. 😂

[areann92]

I am never, ever ready or mentally prepared to listen to any podcast episode about Jodi... it instantly takes me back to 2007. I didn't know Jodi, but we were from the same small town. I was a freshman in high school. I think she was a freshman in college. My parents would later buy the home she was raised in and abducted from. I lived in her bedroom before I left for college.... I'll never be able to forget opening up what would become my closet and seeing it full of her dance costumes from over the years... or opening up the hall closet and seeing the growth chart for her and her siblings.... or my friend refusing to come into my house because "Jodi lived here...." I didn't know Jodi, but I changed, alongside my whole town, when she disappeared....