Simply Ari. @ariandapplesauce - Tumblr Blog

Suicide and things like it...

Last night, I felt so weak.

Although my mind was strong, I was an emotional disaster. My logical brain directed me to call a suicide prevention hotline. My experience with them was an oddly humorous one. After a few minutes of hysterically bawling and the operator realizing that I wasn’t having an “emotional emergency “ she shunned me away in the nicest way possible, stating that her hotline was only for those with thoughts of ending their lives. I cried harder, because I was so so sad. She then directed me to the number to a “warm line” which was a little more flexible for people like me. I spoke with a gentleman named Dorian, and he encouraged me to just cry it all out and tell him everything without holding back. It felt SO GOOD. He also gave me so many gems and encouragement. No, I’m not trying to kill myself, but thank you Dorian, because there are people like you who provide safe places. The epidemic can decrease significantly. I can’t stress enough how important those places are. I am imagining how things could have been had I not called and just sat on my bedroom floor and cried myself to bed then got up the next day. How it would be to hold in all of my sadness until I did reach the point of wanting to kill myself, I can certainly assure you that I wouldn’t call anyone’s hotline. So in hindsight, I guess getting turned away from the suicide hotline was a blessing in disguise no matter how silly, insignificant, and small it made me and my problems feel.

If you are anything like me, (even if you aren’t) and you need a listening ear and a safe place, I encourage you to call your local Warm Line(you can google the number) and just let your feelings out... it feels so good and you can potentially save your livelihood and well being.

No form of mental instability or illness is greater or more important to the next so never feel as if your feelings are silly or invalid, you can still seek help.

You feel weak, but you are so strong. Please seek help. Please express your feelings. Continue to take things a day at a time. I love you.

#suicide #mental health #support #relateable #girl #;#depression #anxiety #beautiful #itsok #itsokaytonotbeokay #expression #entry #selfworth

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How do you fall back in love with life?

clean your room. clean space, uncluttered space, space that doesn’t have miasma clinging to it can work wonders. clean the dishes. sweep. take out the trash. peel the clothes off the floor and wash them, and then actually fold/hang them. take a long shower. scrub behind your knees. brush your teeth. (this can be utterly exhausting, but try to get it done in a day, if you can. the end result is worth it.)

pull out your notebook. it doesn’t need to be a new notebook, but preferably one that you don’t usually write in, or that you haven’t touched in a while. fuck moleskins. the yellow legal pad will work fine. sit in your room, or in the park, or in the library, and write a list. count clouds. describe all the colors that you see, and note patterns that arise. sketch the cracks in the walls. note the shape light makes when it enters a space. talk about what the air tastes like, smells like. what sounds are there? even the white nose, break that down: air planes, fans, cicadas, anything. remind yourself that you are sitting in the middle of a space brimming with detail. remind yourself that you are not in nothingness and emptiness. your world is fathomless. it has potential.

drink cold water and try to eat something that isn’t processed. it does not need to be fancy. buy yourself an apple with the change between your couch cushions. eat it outside. if you’re someone who walks, walk somewhere afterwards, just to stretch your legs. take your fucking meds. remember that its a good thing that you are inside your body. your body is a fantastic and endlessly intricate machine, and even though society has smacked a bunch of poisonous ideas on it, that doesn’t change its inherent worth and splendor. take care of it.

read a novel. underline your favorite lines, and write phrases that twist your heart inside your chest on the back of your hand with an ink pen. read a novel like it’s poetry. read poetry, something decadent but unpretentious. watch a movie you haven’t seen before. if there are free art galleries near you, walk through one. take your time. let yourself bask. if there are patterns in what makes your soul ache, write those patterns down – marbles arches or soot crumbling bricks or dandelions or descriptions of dresses or whatever it is, write them down.

your chosen family is important. remember, they picked you as much as you picked them. the love has no obligation. it is given freely and it is given from a place of compassion. you are not a burden. if you need to breathe, take a minute by yourself and just exist, but remember to go back to your people. when they need you, listen and be gracious. always be gracious. the universe sometimes remembers things like that.

listen to new music. link jump on youtube or related artist jump on spotify or ask the chap beside you in the cafe what their favorite band is, and listen to that. listen to something that you don’t usually listen to. we tend to tie up a lot of memory with music. we are falling in love again. the soundtrack needs to be specific to that.

allow yourself to indulge in romantics. press flowers in old books. play movies with subtitles and mouth the words. dance in your room. wear something that makes you feel good, even if you wouldn’t wear it in public. write your chosen family letters, even if you hand deliver them. write poetry, even awful poetry. revel in its awfulness. eat dark chocolate and when your chosen family want to go out, try to go out with them sometimes, even if its just to the market.