Re: Simon’s Unlabeled Sexuality
I was looking at this hilarious but heartfelt comic of the scene where Simon and Baz discuss Simon having slept with Agatha in the context of trying to figure out his sexual preferences (I have Shared Thoughts about this already, but I feel like I can say more things in a more organized manner this time) so anyway, the more I look at this the more convinced I am that it sheds light into 2 things
1. Why the apparently “obvious” labels are confusing for Simon.
It would be easy to look at things at a surface level and go “well, Simon had a gf then a bf so surely he must bi or pan” (and I’m not gonna go against anyone who hc him as that!). If I’m not misremembering, Baz brings up the question to help Simon figure out if he feels attraction towards women, which makes sense. For a lot of people, sexual attraction and sex go hand in hand –but they don’t have to! There’s a distinction, and there’s people perfectly capable of having sex (and enjoy the sensations etc) without experiencing sexual attraction for the person they’re with.
When Baz asks whether the sex was good (for Simon) Simon is dismissive and tries to change the subject. He goes “it was fine, it was sex” (I mean, imagine having sex with someone, asking them if they had a good time and they answer like this… it doesn’t sound negative, but would you think they actually enjoyed themselves? I know I wouldn’t lol). Then, Simon decides to open up and confesses that he doesn’t know if he was actually attracted to her, and Baz insists that “surely having sex means you were attracted to her” (again going with sexual attraction=sex, which is true for a lot of people, but isn’t always the case). It’s especially revealing to me that Simon answers “I thought I was! I thought I was going to marry her!” in the same breath, because it’s a sentence about being wrong. Simon thought he was going to marry Agatha, but he didn’t. He thought he was attracted to her, but… he wasn’t. Maybe he actually wasn’t. (The confusion it’s understandable, Simon did find her very beautiful, but being able to see or even appreciating beauty it’s not the same as feeling sexual attraction. It could go hand in hand! But again, it doesn’t have to).
In his own words, everything about Simon’s relationship with Agatha was just going through the motions, including trying out sex, which is supposed to be something at least somewhat passionate (they probably only took that step because of Teenage Curiosity in the first place). Simon (and also likely Agatha, since she’s Simon’s mirror) only did things because he thought he was supposed to. It was probably like going through the “Things Traditional Heroes Do With The Damsel In Distress Trophy Love Interest Because These Stories Tell You You Aren’t Complete Without A Typical Straight Romance” check-list with no particular stakes or attachment.
Either way, thinking about having sex with a girl he thought he was attracted to is not answering the question or whether or not he’s attracted to girls for him. He wonders, “what does that mean?” (that he had sex with a girl? what does that mean for him? for his sexuality?) and follows “we were just going through the motions” (which is like… the most unsexy way to describe having had sex, seriously, it makes me lean even more into there not being actual attraction on either side… did they have a little manual they were reading from step by step when they did it? gosh does it sound mechanical).
So, what does it mean? Well, it means that shit it’s confusing as hell, that’s what. It means that figuring out who we are, and what we want, and what we actually feel can be really fucking hard, and some times looking for answers just leaves us with more questions. And that’s perfectly fine! It’s normal. Some shit can remain a mystery, as a treat. Simon can wear a rainbow in the pride parade and not worry his handsome little head full of cute little curls about choosing any specific flags as far as I’m concerned.
2. It further highlights how strong his (sexual) feelings for Baz are
In this same book, the are many ways and instances where Simon looks at Baz and, in the words written the legendary Prince, he goes “Nothing Compares 2 U” [cues the saxo solo]
When Simon says that he never looked at Agatha and thought “how will I ever be big enough to hold my feelings for this person?” it’s obvious that he’s comparing it to what he feels for Baz. He goes from following the manual of “the fuck are couples supposed to do when they are together” comfortable in not really feeling shit, to feeling so much he doesn’t know what to with himself. That’s what Baz does to him, which is part of what scared him before they started communicating –there’s no manual for when you’re feeling all the feelings, you have to figure it out yourself, that one. Nothing mechanical about it. Simon loves him so much (like he has never loved before, like he will never love anyone else, he’s the love of all his lifes), and in the same line, he desires him so much, he feels like there’s just not enough of himself to contain it all.
There’s also a contrasts in Baz asking “was it (good?)” about his past sexual experience and Simon being like “well, it sure was a thing I did” but in scenes of closeness with Baz, Simon’s constantly going “it’s so good” and “I’ll make it so good for him”. Hell, there’s a scene in this book where Baz simply looks at him through his lashes that gets Simon so hot and bothered and “it’s so good” that he wants to smash his head against a wall lmao
Unlabeled Horny Simon Rights! it’s what I’m saying.
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